What to do about our au pair stealing?

[aupairhelp]

We've had au-pairs since DS1 (now almost 2) was a few months old. At first, we just needed an extra pair of hands around the house as DW and I (DH) both work from home and run our own business. We're always at home but need to be able to dip in and out of work to keep the lights on, so to speak. Most of our AP (au-pair) experience has been great and we still speak regularly to two of our three previous APs. Our second AP wasn't ideal as we didn't feel we could fully trust her (she would lie about little things) so we gave her several months notice and supported her finding another family.

Our latest AP started with us about a month and a half ago. She's been taking care of DS1 and occasionally DS2, who is now 5 months old but rarely both at the same time as DW and I have been balancing DS2 with work most of the time but this has started to get very difficult for us to manage. The few times our AP has had both, it's seemed like she was struggling and in general, it's seemed lately that she's been struggling with just DS1 on his own a little. We've been considering our options lately for additional childcare as we've realised two young kids is too much for one AP and so have been looking into local nurseries and childminder services for DS1 so that AP would just need to take care of DS2, who at 5 months old, is a lot easier to take care of than a full-of-energy 2 year old.

However, DW started to get little worried earlier this week because she noticed that DS1 seemed to be a little afraid of AP at times. He wasn't going to her for hugs like he does with us, our previous APs, helpers at creche etc. On top of this, his language development seems to have slowed down a bit - that could just be from a cold or sore teeth (rear molars might be coming through). During term time, he usually has a couple of hours at a creche several days a week but that's not been happening lately. We were worried that he was missing out so contacted the creche and they put us in touch with a girl that's been doing some babysitting during the holidays. She took him out every day for a couple of hours and he seemed to love her. DW asked her about hugging and she said he'd been really warm and happy to hug and be picked up. This worried us even more in regards to our AP.

Sorry for the long background info but I felt it was necessary as, as a result of the above, I decided to hide a camera in our lounge, just to be on the safe side. I had a spare one that I'd been meaning to mount on the outside of our house a while ago, so I balanced it on a bookshelf and semi-hid it with some cards that were already on the shelf. I've never felt the need to monitor the insides of my house before and I feel uncomfortable with recording anyone surreptitiously but the odd behaviour of DS1 convinced me it was worth checking. I figured I'd run it for a few days or a week, to get an idea of what was going on when we weren't looking and then take it down or, if there was anything concerning, consider wall mounting one properly and telling anyone that comes in that there's a camera there. The camera covers the play area in our lounge and the dining area part of our kitchen. I put it up overnight on Thursday but only set it up digitally around midday on Friday so it's not been running long and has only recorded half a day of her working. I scanned through that briefly on Friday night and, although she was glued to her phone and barely interacted with DS1, I didn't see anything outright alarming. DS1 was happily running around playing and she was sometimes out of line of sight for longer than I'd like but it seemed ok. She did come over and smile at him at one point, which set my mind at ease a little as I'd been worried she might have been cold with him as she's often quite negative (glass is half empty kind of person).

Anyway, tonight I thought I'd check the camera again to make sure it was working properly, ready for the first full day tomorrow. I glanced back through today (Sunday) and saw that there was some motion detected around the time DW and I took DS1 and DS2 out for about half an hour. I thought it would just be the dogs pacing, upset that we were out but I saw AP come in, look around to see if anyone else was around and then reach up to the bookshelf the camera was in. My heart froze for a second because I thought she might find the camera but then I saw that she'd picked up some cash we had lying on a high up shelf further down the bookcase (from when DW sold a baby rocker and some other baby things that we didn't need anymore). She rifled through it and took what looked like to be £10 and pocketed it. From her behaviour, it didn't look like this was the first time she'd done this and before taking it, it looked like she double checked that we weren't in. I don't know how much she's taken in total but I believe it's more than £10 that's missing but not massively more.

Again, sorry for the long story, but I needed to write this down as I'm not sure what to do about it. I've not told DW yet as she's asleep but I'm all wound up as a result of this all. It's not about the money, it's about the act. I'm just shocked that she would do this.

As I'm sure it'll be asked; we pay what we believe to be above the going rate for APs, based on what we've seen on other family's profiles and AP told us that we're paying her about 50% more than she got at her last family. We live in a nice location, our AP's room is a lovely room (freshly redecorated two years ago) with a nice double bed, lots of light, new TV, air con unit and we gave her a new iPhone to use with unlimited data, all the entertainment subscription services. She has one of our bank cards (for an account we set up just for AP needs) that she can use for buying groceries or any food she wants, we prepare her food most evenings and we buy her takeaway most Friday and Saturday nights unless she's out and we've always welcomed our APs to spend time with us, watching shows and films with us if they want, that kind of thing. Of course, she doesn't have to pay for any bills. She works for about 7 hours a day Monday-Friday with no evening or weekend work (starts at about 8 and finishes at 5 but has a 2-3 hour break when DS1 has his nap). We don't ask her to do any cleaning (we have a weekly cleaner) but we'd expect her to do normal household things like loading or unloading the dishwasher, wiping down the surface after use, that kind of thing. I don't think we're asking too much and we've always tried to be as welcoming as possible.

Has anyone gone through anything remotely similar? Any advice on what we should do about this? It's complicated because she lives with us and it's going to be hard living with someone we can't trust. She's not mentioned anything about needing extra money or having any debts etc, so I'm not sure what to think. I think we need to let her go, as you can't get that trust back, but this is her home at the moment, so just knee-jerk reacting and kicking her out doesn't seem right as she'll have nowhere to go. Although we've started looking into alternative childcare already, we're in very early stages right now as we were planning a little further ahead and we haven't worked out all the details on cost etc. I plan on keeping the camera up and watching it more carefully over the next few days and will obviously discuss all this with DW tomorrow but I'd value any input anyone might have.

Apologies for being so long winded - I'm a little worked up right now and wanted to be clear on the facts and what led us here. First time post on here so have done my best to get the abbreviations right.

What is stopping you from firing her for stealing?

Use this as a lesson. You need to pay for a proper nanny and/or housekeeper or you will keep having these issues.

No au pair genuinely wants to be struck in a house with a couple and their small children, they do it because they need a place to stay while they explore a new city.

Don’t fool yourself that you are a great employer. It’s a lousy job and au pairs are very often exploited.

OP is getting a hard time because putting the stealing to one side, this is not what au pairs are for. OP says they got on really well with other au pairs but as the youngest is five months old I'm assuming the previous au pairs only had to look after one child. Au pairs are not and are qualified to provide this level of childcare.

that said, obviously stealing is bad so OP use this as a reason to part ways with your au pair and pay for a proper nanny/ childminder/ nursery like everyone else has to.

I’d just tell her the truth. You can’t have her there for three more months,

But, the parents are in the house with her. They are just expecting her to keep the children occupied while they dip in and out of work.

That's what they say but I expect the reality is the au pair is looking after the children while the parents are occasionally popping in to say hello. Otherwise they wouldn't get any work done. I had to do similar to this in the first lockdown (not through choice) and it's impossible

The idea of an au pair is that they're part of the family and have time to study english, meet other au pairs and learn about life in the U.K. getting bed and board in exchange for light childcare and bed and board.

Not work full time 8-5, 5 days a week looking after 2 under 2s.

This is the 4th au pair they've had in under 2 years.

You must get rid of her immediately, there is no way I would have anyone that stole in my house. Tell her money has gone missing and see what she says. If she denies it, tell her you have proof. She needs to go immediately. If she came through an agency, they can do the necessary and fire her. Looks like she hardly interacts with DS1, that she only looks after a few hours a day, personally I wouldn’t provide an au pair with a phone or if I did I would make sure when she is in sole charge of DS that phone is put away. I think you’ve been unlucky with this one, you need to find a better one who does a lot more with your child and surely au pair should be employed to look after both DC. You must also tell your DW what is going on now.

Exactly. Lonely, exploited, it’s a crappy job.

Stealing is awful but so is surveilling someone without their knowledge.

Just awful.

By all means tell a nanny or au pair you have cameras in the summon areas. But don't put them there without knowledge.

Count the money and see how much is missing (without handling too much as police may need to be involved). Check your jewellery or anything that’s valuable is still there too. The money could be the tip of the iceberg. Tell DH the position asap.

Ask her if she’s ever needed cash during the day for anything, to give her the chance to fess up - eg she may say the window cleaner came or the local shop’s card machine was down and she needed to pay ‘cash only’ for something for the children, perhaps ice cream from a stall in the park or something.

If she doesn’t fess up tell her that money is missing from the shelf pile and give her the chance again to fess up.

If she denies it say they you will have to involve the police and that you suspect her prints will be found in the money as neither of you took it, and then she’ll have a criminal record. So better to just be sensible as she is about to have 12 weeks money. That should shut her up as it’s a good deal for a thief.

Right away Id phone the bank and tell them that the card is lost and needs cancelled (so if she’s used it online previously and a website has saved it she cannot use it any more).

Get the phone from her and get the pin or her facial ID reset to yours to make sure it’s unlocked or it’s useless.

Then Id give her the 12 weeks money per her contract in lieu of notice (as I don’t like confrontation) and kick her out immediately before she had the chance to steal any more. I’d be following her round the house while she cried and packed her stuff. Literally. Once she leaves it will be hard for the police to find her if anything else goes missing.

Not sure about whether or not to let the eldest child say goodbye but perhaps others might have advice.

Get an actual nanny and pay her/him as a professional rather than exploiting your au pair.

@Elieza Really good advice.

I would tell her the truth and offer her either 2 weeks wages, or a ticket home, but she'd be out of my house that same day.

The hours she's been doing are a bit long for an aupair, but given you are in the house all the time, I don't think you needed to be concerned about safety.

Getting an aupair is difficult now, as you need someone who has Settled Status and Right to Work, so in order to avoid that hassle, I would find a childminder

This woman has stole from you.. This is gross misconduct..

I would tell her and kick her out.. Your gut tells you something is wrong.. it is....

Get her out yoyr house.

I would put both kids in childcare so you can both focus on childcare..Dipping in and out is not ideal..You could both then focus on work and maybe do shorter hours.. esp if ine stsrts early the other finishes early.

All that detail is immaterial. You need to pay for professional childcare and stop with the au pairs and babysitters or properly organise your working hours as a couple so you are doing it between you.

Just show her the video and sack her immediately (with threat of reporting to police if she makes a fuss). Give her a few days to find somewhere to go (max one week).

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time here

Because he's grossly exploiting the concept of an au pair, and the au pairs themselves, because he's too fucking cheap to pay for proper childcare.

Au pairs are for a few hours wraparound for school or nursery, not working all day every day. Au pairs are not ever meant to be placed in the position of being in sole charge of babies and toddlers.

You got what you deserved. Send the au pair home and start paying for nursery or childminder like you should have long ago.

Get rid of the aupair.

Get a proper nanny or use a nursery with regular hours.

Gavel.

Your toddler has already made it clear that she’s not a suitable carer. Why are you dithering?

Tell her some money has gone missing, give her a month’s salary and her fare home. I wouldn’t leave DC with her unaccompanied again.

Not true. A home owner may legally use covert cameras in his/her home within 'common areas' . There is a general illegality about using them in places where 'privacy' would be expected. (Bathrooms, toilets, changing rooms) although there are some exemptions to this is , if the person installing the camera has a 'parental responsibility' for a child covering those areas .

1. sack the au pair for stealing

2. arrange proper childcare for your small children where they will be socialised and stimulated. Not an au pair or teenage babysitter. You need nanny / childminder or nursery.

Re the filming

There was a thread yesterday (and it's fairly regular!) where a bloke had cameras in his home but hadn't told the female he was dating that there was a camera in the lounge. They'd had sex in there. There was absolute outrage that he'd violated her privacy by not telling her about the cameras when she'd been over.

You may be allowed to film in your own home (I have no idea of the legalities!) but an au pair is somebody living in your home, supposedly as part of your family. Anybody living in the family home should be aware that there is a camera in the communal living space just out of courtesy. It shouldn't matter who they are if that is their home. Nobody should be filmed at home without their knowledge.

The OP is treating this only as her place of work. I really hope they're seriously confused as to the role of an au pair and haven't been deliberately exploiting all the au pairs they have employed.

The fact she stole is a separate issue and should be dealt with in line with their contract.

8 till 5 is a nine hour day. Your poor AP doesn't get to fully disengage for nine hours.

You have two under two. Either arrange proper childcare for both children or one of you goes on Mat/Pat leave.

What are you both thinking - this is the four AP your son has had and he isn't even 2 yet.

This is madness.

Sounds like you have a slave, this MASSIVE amount of child care (and she’s not getting breaks just because you are “in” the house) is not what an au pair is for. I don’t care that she’s nicked money from you, I’m astonished that you are happily exploiting someone, and someone who is probably quite young too. Shame on you.

OP, predictably many of the posters ignore the stealing and are accusing you of using the aupair as a childcare slave. Ignore them. This is par for the course for an aupair thread. They will have their say, but it is not you, it is them. I will say it again, the aupair did not know she was born. She has a great deal.