Nursery not letting me do transition with my baby

[Caimum]

My baby is due to start nursery when I go back to work , will be eleven months old. He hasn’t been left with anyone else before. The nursery is refusing to let me in to do a proper transition ie where I stay with him Initially and support him to have his care handed over to nursery staff. They are saying it’s because they still want Covid restrictions . I think this is not good practice and it will cause him distress. They mentioned One little girl cried for a month before settling.
my son is my seventh , and only successful pregnancy , I don’t want him crying for a month and being flooded with stress hormones and thinking I will stop crying as Mum is basically leaving me here.

its seemingly a good nursery based on a visit to this and others . It’s also the one we can afford given sky high nursery costs where we live.

Do they have the right to do this given Covid restrictions are lifted nationally ?
I would do a Covid test, wear masks and gloves , I’ve never had Covid as I’m extremely careful and have limited family and friends circle who mainly live a distance away.

Really upset , I just want to do a proper supportive handover and see how they are with my son too.

Of course they have the right it's their nursery you have no right of their services.

Many many children have done this now including mine. Accept the terms or find another placement.
But you should be prepared that I don't know anyone not doing this.

I really feel for you but they make the policy. Your choices are to negotiate that policy, and if it doesn’t work, to look elsewhere.

Have you considered a smaller setting like a childminder?

Our nursery have kept their covid measures - similar no parent transition period, drop off at the gate etc. As they find the children adjust much quicker.

I'd be inclined to trust them, why would they do anything that would make their lives more difficult?

Nurseries have the right to offer the transition that they think best, bearing in mind all of the children's needs. You have the right to accept this or not, and not use their services.

For what it's worth, my nursery offer exactly the same and my dd settled marvelously. I think they are less confused because there's a very black and white handover point. They also don't confused by other baby's parents being there at odd times.

Could you agree a compromise that you will be nearby and want to be called if he doesn't settle after x amount of minutes. What will you do if he cries on handover once you are back to work?

They have the right to set whatever settling in procedures they want. None of my daughter's settling sessions involved me being there. There will probably be tears, but that's just what happens really. My DD cried on drop-off for two weeks and then it was like a switch flipped and she loved going in, and still does two years on.

Don't let your anxieties about him going pass on to your son. Yes, he will probably cry. He would probably still cry if you did a month of sessions sitting in with him before he went in by himself. It's kind of just part of the process for most kids.

They can set their own terns as a private business. You can choose to take your business elsewhere.
I wouldn't be happy with this at all. I think the settling in is really important. One of mine started nursery when there were still xovid restrictions and we just did the settling in sessions in the garden.

In contrast my NDN is a nursery manager. They allow four settling in sessions and the parent can stay for part or all of all four with a negative LFT each time. The first session is an hour, second is up to three, third and fourth include a meal depending on when your child will be going.

I think the nursery system is going to be unnecessarily distressing for your baby. I wouldn't do it. It was different in lockdown and before vaccinations and testing of course. Have you spoken to the manager?

I wouldn’t be happy with this and would find another setting

I work in a nursery and the children settle much quicker with parents just dropping off rather than prolonging the inevitable goodbye. We found it works so much so that we to have kept this approach after covid.

Ive never known the sory of handover you are describing.

Normally they would have some settling in sessions of a couple of hours in the week before starting properly. You sould have filled in an info sheet with all the handover info.

Remember each member of staff will be responsible for multiple children and have the normal nursery day routine so they can't spend 1 on 1 time with you handing over etc

The above being said if this is important to you maybe this isn't the nursery for you is there another setting you could look at that has the approach that you prefer?

I'm a childminder and I took on a 7 month old last year. I let the Mum take the lead and we did about 5 settling sessions. On the last two, the Mum left for 30 minutes and then an hour.

The baby cried the first day without Mum until I popped them in a sling and then they never cried again.

My point is that I let the parents take the lead with all settling sessions. I remember what it was like to leave my baby and the biggest thing for a parent is the feeling that their child will be loved and well looked after and that there's trust there.

However, an 11 month old is the prime age for separation anxiety. It could, in reality, be at least a month before they settle.

I would trust your gut on this one. Not all childminders and nurseries allow parental choice for settling in but some of us do.

Many nurseries have moved to this during covid, many of those have also kept it because it's actually a lot less distressing for many children. With my eldest I realise in hindsight that my staying there then leaving, and my own sadness about doing it was making his own upset far worse. It worked so much better once I dropped and left, they'd send me pictures of him smiling with a keyworker and he was happier when I came to pick him up

There is presumably still some settling in that you're not going straight to full days / full time? I'd be unhappy about that, but regretfully accepting of not being able to go in.

The nursery I work in do settles in the room the child is going to, previous to this we did settles in the garden and hoped for a dry day. Could you suggest a settle in the garden?

Unfortunately for you the nursery can decide who is allowed inside. Some are allowing a small number of parents in at any one time whereas others are still sticking to original covid guidance,

Also In the first settling in session my neighbour offers, there is an all about me booklet to complete for the staff ahead of time but then to go through in the session and refer to. So for instance if there is a particular way your baby does X or Y you can show them.

I think it's far kinder to babies who have never been left with anyone else before.

Even in pre-covid times our nursery didn't invite parents into the room, I was unceremoniously evicted (but invited to sit in the staff room for the time they were in on their fst settling session). To be honest I may as well have gone round the corner and enjoyed a coffee shop for my child free hour 🤣

Have you got anywhere nearby you could go? If they are building the time up over a period of a week or two, and including some meal times too, I'd be fine with not being permitted to stay.

My DD started nursery at 9mo in 2015 well before Covid and even then parents didn't stay for settling in.

I left her for an hour, then then for 1/2 day, then she went full time.

Unless your child has special requirements, they have looked after hundreds of children and know how to do it. They really don't need you to provide an in-depth guide to transition your child.

My daughter started nursery during the pandemic and this was and still remains their policy too - I just had to leave her at the door and go. It felt brutal but in hindsight it was worse for me than her, she settled fine, barely cried at all. I think it's more to do with temperament than how they are settled in. I wouldn't find another setting over this if you're happy otherwise.

Setting in sessions at my DC’s nursery were a few hour sessions then a half day, I wasn’t at any of these.

Same as other PPs this was the norm for us as he was a lockdown baby but honestly think it was the best thing. It would have confused him far more if I’d have been with him a couple of times and then suddenly not. It’s horrible though I know and I cried several times after drop off let alone him.

I wouldn't he happy with this either. I think it can really help the child to see their mum interact with the staff- so they can see that they are trustworthy as mum trusts them and is friendly with them. And you are able to build up that trust by spending a little bit of time inside the nursery and seeing how they are with the children. If they don't budge at all from their position I think I'd look to find a different nursery. You need to be able to trust them and feel they care about you and your son.

This is you projecting your feelings onto your baby. Neither of mine had me present for settling in, waaay before covid. One couldn't wait to get started and never cried (although went through a short stage of refusing to go many months later), one cried a bit but got on with it nicely after a couple of short sessions. There's no reason to think your child will be crying for a month. But you are the customer and you can take your business elsewhere if you don't like it. Maybe a childminder would suit you better?

The truth is that even if you settle them in before you leave him there, chances are he will still be unsettled when you do leave him. Its part and parcel of the process - lasting longer for some than others.
Nurseries seem pretty split at the minute about their policy. Some have returned to pre covid ways, others have kept the policy of not allowing parents in for settling in sessions because they've found children settle better and quicker without parents being there.

Why can you just stay near and see how it goes? You want your dc to get used to the place, right?
They are professionals, they know how to deal with the situation. And I think it's really responsible for them to take covid situation seriously. One case can make life really difficult for multiple families.

Hi
I am a childminder and after so much more success with settling in children without their parents during covid I have kept this policy going forward. Simply put, your child will not bond with the nursery workers whilst you are there. Yes your child will cry and you may have a few weeks of clinginess. However you would have this even if you attended the settling in sessions. Also, the other children get upset by an unfamiliar adult in the setting and are ultimately disadvantaged by it. So you can rest assured that once your child is settled and is enjoying his days at nursery. They won't have to have their days disrupted by an anxious parent. I say anxious not to you specifically but everyone - I was anxious too when I first left my child. Really you are only prolonging the agony for everyone by insisting to stay. I now tell parents this is my policy before signing any contracts so that if it's not for them, they can go elsewhere.