Nursery not letting me do transition with my baby

[Caimum]

My baby is due to start nursery when I go back to work , will be eleven months old. He hasn’t been left with anyone else before. The nursery is refusing to let me in to do a proper transition ie where I stay with him Initially and support him to have his care handed over to nursery staff. They are saying it’s because they still want Covid restrictions . I think this is not good practice and it will cause him distress. They mentioned One little girl cried for a month before settling.
my son is my seventh , and only successful pregnancy , I don’t want him crying for a month and being flooded with stress hormones and thinking I will stop crying as Mum is basically leaving me here.

its seemingly a good nursery based on a visit to this and others . It’s also the one we can afford given sky high nursery costs where we live.

Do they have the right to do this given Covid restrictions are lifted nationally ?
I would do a Covid test, wear masks and gloves , I’ve never had Covid as I’m extremely careful and have limited family and friends circle who mainly live a distance away.

Really upset , I just want to do a proper supportive handover and see how they are with my son too.

How on earth would you know what they would or wouldn’t do? They don’t let you in. That’s the point. Whereas if you drop off into the room you see what the other kids are doing and how they’re being treated. If they’re being cuddled, played with, interacted with then that’s how your kid will be treated when you leave. If they’re being told ‘don’t be silly’ and left to cry then that’s how your child will be treated when you leave. If they take your child then shut the door it could be either. A good nursery should be more than happy for parents to come in and should be comfortable settling the child in either situation.

1. I have visited the setting prior to taking my children

2. my children are now old enough to tell me what happens in the day. Nothing ever concerning from them

3. I know the teachers now and seriously they are all lovely

4. both places had good ofsted reports and ratings

5. pre and post covid we were allowed in for visits but drop off happening at the door was and is better for the kids.

6. when I picked them up as babies I would often find them having a cuddle with their key worker - this was pre covid where we just walked into the room unannounced.

It's not that nurseries aren't allowing parents in, they will allow them to do visits etc BUT so many have found it's better for the settling for parents to not actually be there.

Well it is not bollocks because I said 'in my experience' and i happen to have a lot of experience working in nursery settings!
I'm not saying every nursery who has a strict drop at the door policy is like this, I couldn't possibly say that as I haven't visited every nursery, i can only base my opinions on the dozens I have worked in.

Always mystifies me when someone else’s experience is bollocks but their own experience is unrefutable.

Yes they have a right. That’s their policy

children do settle far better quicker and easier without the parent

tho I bet it’s hard

dd3 first day at pre school - dropped her off at door. She cried I cried

she has never been there

i has never been inside

she knew no one

was horrible

but

few weeks later she was fine.

I have friends who work in nursery’s and schools and say far better parents drop and go

no fluffing

and as a former nanny I know it’s better for child to drop and go

but as a mum it’s harder for you

sorry for your previous losses 💐

So your nursery did allow you inside. We were talking about nurseries with a ‘close door’ policy and saying we disagreed with those.

I had to do this during covid and it was absolutely fine.

My sons nursery said that despite covid restrictions lifting, they will keep the same process as it helped all the children settle much easier and quicker.

Transition for my baby meant a couple of settling in visits, i never stayed (6 years ago) dropped off for an hour, then 2 hours , then full day. Baby was 8 months and absolutely fine. Children crying for a month are not the norm so try not to worrry about it.

Honestly I would find another nursery or a childminder. It’s their choice to set this rule but it seems so mean considering the rest of the country has gone back to normal.

I'm a childminder and now conduct all parent meetings in my garden since covid. Just because everyone else seems to have gone back to normal doesn't mean covid has gone and that it doesn't cause disruption.
Settling in sessions often go smoother without parents there anyway as it helps the child to build bonds with other adults and done right, slowly and at the child's pace assists in a smoother transition.
From my point of view it also means I'm keeping all children safe from people who are essentially strangers.

As I said that’s your choice to do so. I would however choose another provider. I wouldn’t be happy to leave my child somewhere I couldn’t look around.

I'd say the settling in session is for the parent not for the child. I'd just get on with it tbh. Soon he'll be settled and happy and this won't seem important.

My children went to nursery before covid and I never stayed with them at settling in. I expect children settle in much faster that way.

I worked in a nursery many years ago and parents never stayed for transition - That's the whole point getting them used to being without you
If parents stayed at transition, the kids would think when they came they stayed and kick off when they left

Surely that's fairly obvious???

I've used a childminder for both mine as I liked the idea of a much smaller home form home setting Having been in a nursery - plus it is significantly cheaper
All day is £36 and a nursery is anywhere between £50-£60 which is a big difference.

And when I say many years ago about 20+ years ago so way before covid

TBH those settling sessions together are for your benefit, not theirs, anyway. They don't actually learn to settle without you in the space until they are actually without you. Some babies transition quickly and some take a little more time - and tbh I dot think the covid restrictions make any difference.
I had one child start pre covid with the settling you describe as ideal and a one post covid where you couldn't go in and the first took ages to be ok, second was fine in a couple of weeks.
Don't worry. I know it's a huge transition for both of you but they do get their (and more quickly the more relaxed you are)

I'm an early years consultant/ inspector. I visit many nurseries.
It's true that the majority have kept parents out of the building since Covid. Not all.
It's beneficial to staff, and to SOME children.
What's key is the age of your child.
Before 8 months of age babies don't develop separation anxiety. This awareness starts around 9 months of age.
What I've observed is babies starting nursery at around 1 year often struggle to settle. It's unfortunate timing for mother's who have to return to work at this point.
I've seen babies refuse to eat and sleep because they are so distressed. I'm not saying this will be necessarily happen to your child but I would expect a good or outstanding nursery to have flexibility around setting in procedures for babies.
I know of nurseries where parents do go in for settles. It depends on the manager.
For older children and preschoolers there are define benefits to drop offs at the door. These children can tell you about their day and will develop the independence needed for school.
It shouldn't be a blanket policy.

I chose a nursery purely based on their transition arrangements

Another childminder here - as others have said smaller setting & I aso take the lead from parents & happy to do slow settles with parents present until babies happily settled.

As a parent who also had to leave their child at nursery without settling him it's really hard.
As a nursery worker it's much easier if parents aren't there. You are presumably going to leave him there at some stage.
I'm sure the little girl who cried for a month wasn't crying all day just at drop off.
However if you are anxious your child will pick up on this and become upset.
At the moment every nursery local to us is still not letting parents in for settling in sessions and most still insist on drop off and pick up at the door. Covid is still a risk.

We're allowed in for pick up these days. I actually don't much like it. It's nice for me but I feel bad for the kids who are still left after i get mine. Particularly the ones where I know them and their families. I kind of wish that we still did pick up and drop off at the door.

Putting your child in nursery is leaving them with strangers who may or may not like children, who may or may not be experienced, who may or may not be telling you how your child has been during the day accurately. It's a total exercise of trust. If the nursery is shut off to parents continually, even during transition, it's asking for an even bigger leap of faith, especially if the child is at a non-verbal age.

Pre covid people handed over and let them manage transition too.
Is this really about your childs anxiety at transition or yours?

I think it's terrible that this is likely now to become the norm, it definitely isn't the best thing for children. Mine has ASD and it would have been horrendous for him. It's right up there in awfulness with some GP's not doing any face to face consultations anymore IMO.