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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Nursery not letting me do transition with my baby

79 replies

Caimum · 14/08/2022 21:14

My baby is due to start nursery when I go back to work , will be eleven months old. He hasn’t been left with anyone else before. The nursery is refusing to let me in to do a proper transition ie where I stay with him Initially and support him to have his care handed over to nursery staff. They are saying it’s because they still want Covid restrictions . I think this is not good practice and it will cause him distress. They mentioned One little girl cried for a month before settling.
my son is my seventh , and only successful pregnancy , I don’t want him crying for a month and being flooded with stress hormones and thinking I will stop crying as Mum is basically leaving me here.

its seemingly a good nursery based on a visit to this and others . It’s also the one we can afford given sky high nursery costs where we live.

Do they have the right to do this given Covid restrictions are lifted nationally ?
I would do a Covid test, wear masks and gloves , I’ve never had Covid as I’m extremely careful and have limited family and friends circle who mainly live a distance away.

Really upset , I just want to do a proper supportive handover and see how they are with my son too.

OP posts:

kegofcoffee · 14/08/2022 21:49

Our nursery also kept their covid approach because they said children seemed to settle quicker.

With both my DC we did a 30min session with me there, and then 2 longer sessions without me there.

I sat in a cafe nearby and they regularly sent pictures to show she was ok

Sirzy · 14/08/2022 21:51

I think for the children generally the shorter transitions are better, I think the prolonged transition periods are often more about easing parental guilt/worry/concerns. Now obviously that not a bad thing on the whole but if it makes things more confusing for the child it is

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 14/08/2022 21:53

I didn’t do transition visits with either of my kids pre covid and they settled in ok. Sometimes it’s better as if the parent stays it might prolong anything. I would try it and see how it goes, your DS might settle in great!

SNAFU247 · 14/08/2022 21:57

First DS started nursery way back in 2017. Even then the policy was a few settling in sessions ranging from 1 hour initially to 3.5 hours by third and final session and parents dropped off but not to stay. Our youngest started nursery in April this year and policy remains the same as we experienced with the eldest (even though different nursery).

It worked well for us both times and I'd say ds2 is particularly clingy to me and DH and hadn't been left with others more than once at that point. He settled in fine.

Muppethotel · 14/08/2022 21:58

Hi @Caimum im sorry, but can you explain what this has to do with it being your 7th pregnancy?

I cannot think of any nursery which would allow this. Our son had 6 settling sessions across 10 days (2 weeks). We stayed with him the first 30 mins and he crawled off while we filled some forms in.

You know your baby best, but the nursery know babies best. They don’t do the sessions you want because they are not good for children. Children settle better on @their own.

From what you describe, your baby might be better going to a childminder where it’s a smaller setting

Flittingaboutagain · 14/08/2022 22:03

@Caimum im sorry, but can you explain what this has to do with it being your 7th pregnancy?

^ trauma and loss changes how most people think about and respond to potentially stressful situations including making us more protective. The OP doesn't need to spell it out for you surely?

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 14/08/2022 22:04

There has been a huge amount of success in nursery/childcare settings since covid when this type of settling in came into place that the majority of settings have chosen to keep it this way as it is better for the children.

They are completely allowed to do this of course, it is their setting and their rules.

Give them a chance, like a pp said You know your baby best, but the nursery know babies best.

WhatILoved · 14/08/2022 22:07

Also it can still and should be a very supportive transition even though you are not present. The nursery will ask lots of info about him -likes/dislikes etc before you come and they should spend time chatting to you afterwards or sending you a bit if writing/photos about his experience.

HappyHappyHermit · 14/08/2022 22:09

Your daughter will settle so much easier without you there, it may be harder for you nut it will be easier for her.

HappyHappyHermit · 14/08/2022 22:11

Sorry I mean son of course and him not her. The heat is affecting my brain.

Spacemonkey2016 · 14/08/2022 22:13

I can understand that this is upsetting. It's a huge thing, your first child starting nursery and it certainly can be emotional. FWIW, I did settling in sessions with my DS, and it didn't make a jot of difference when the time came for him to start properly. He was still distraught. His little sister was a covid baby, and was dropped off in the car park for the first 6 months of going to nursery, and has always skipped off and never looked back. They both started at 11 months old, same nursery. If it's the blanket policy of the nursery, there's not a lot you can do about it, except find one that does things differently if it's really important to you.

Muppethotel · 14/08/2022 22:17

I’ve experienced a lot of loss too - I’ve never understood people who have to use it to help
explain their current situation. If OP hadn’t have mentioned her history, Im sure readers still would have sympathised with her predicament

Twizbe · 14/08/2022 22:29

My two started nursery pre covid. Even then I only did 1 hour with them on their first session (in fact I left after 10 min for my daughter because she was happily ignoring me)

When covid hit and we moved to dropping at the door the kids all settled so much better. Both nursery and preschool have kept the at door drops because they work so much better.

I'm sorry for your losses, and I say this with love, this is more about you than him. You're being PFB about it and stressing yourself about something that will be fine.

Cm078 · 14/08/2022 22:35

Unfortunately they can do this. My baby started in Jan 2021 at 9 months old. I handed him over at the door and cried for the whole time! To this day I haven't been allowed in the nursery. It sucks but their rules.
One of the staff told me kids have settled in better and quicker without pro longing the agony of parents being there one minute then not the next. Maybe that's why they're keeping it like that? Either way it is hard, but try not to worry, most settle in fine

LittlePumpkinPie21 · 14/08/2022 22:58

My little girl started nursery at the end of June, they allowed me in the room for the first hour to fill in paperwork and go through her routine, the other 2 sessions were just door drop offs. The first time she wasn't bothered that I was there because there were so many new things to see.
What's your little one like usually, does she mix with other adults at groups etc? Could you leave her with a friend or family member so she starts to learn that you will come back.
I was fairly confident that my little girl would be ok but had though that if I was worried I'd start her at nursery a couple of weeks before starting back to work so it's not as stressful having to leave her and do a full day at work.
I know it's hard handing the over to someone else but be confident in that you've picked a good nursery and she will get so much from being with others.
Good luck x

Daisy4569 · 15/08/2022 06:37

I ruled out a nursery for this exact reason. All the covid reasoning wouldn’t satisfy me enough to hand my lo over at the door and not see how they interact with him. Totally up to the individual nursery but it wasn’t for me (strangely the one that had this policy also told us that they had had three staff members off recently with covid). We visited 4 nurseries, only one didn’t allow parents to stay.
We went with a childminder instead in the end.

maddy68 · 15/08/2022 06:52

It's standard. An anxious mum unconsciously passes on am anxious vibe and. Further distresses the baby.

It's best for baby to be left instantly so it knows that's what happens and it feels secure in that

Kanaloa · 15/08/2022 06:56

I wouldn’t like that. Same as I’m not keen on nurseries that like the parent to ring the door bell then they take the child inside. I prefer a nursery that lets the parents drop of into the room their child is in. Nurseries I’ve worked in with an open door policy are generally just better than those who don’t have an open door policy. I would look for one that has an open door - that is happy for parents to stay for settle ins/visit the room/drop off and pick up where their child would be playing. Same as how I wouldn’t drop my child off at the end of a street for a play date. I want to see how the other children play with the staff, what the toys are like, what the routine is like.

Kanaloa · 15/08/2022 06:57

Muppethotel · 14/08/2022 22:17

Well it’s obviously relevant isn’t it? It’s the reasoning for op’s heightened worry.

SalviaOfficinalis · 15/08/2022 06:59

It’s not standard at all, and I wouldn’t be happy to leave my DC somewhere I hadn’t been in and seen the staff interacting with children (although you may have already seen this when you looked round initially?)

My DS is currently settling in.
I’ve had one visit of an hour where I stayed. The room leader chatted to me and filled in forms with his likes/dislikes/nap times etc. There was no suggestion that I left.

Next visit I assume I’ll be leaving him for a short while.

SamMil · 15/08/2022 07:01

My daughter started nursery pre-covid and I didn't stay for the settling in sessions. She settled fine.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/08/2022 07:01

My daughter was in nursery pre covid and I didn’t attend her settling in sessions- tbh I think it would have defeated the goal. I assume they are building up the time she’s there by way of settling in?
Also it’s not covid, it’s a rule they started due to covid and now they just prefer not having fussing parents around, reassuring them you don’t have covid is pointless.
Also the child who cried for a month probably didn’t cry the entire time she was there, they likely mean tears at drop off for a bit and then fine.
I honestly wouldn’t worry at 11 months old is way easier than an older toddler who will be more wilful and object to change more.

Looneytune253 · 15/08/2022 07:18

I work in childcare and it's genuinely worked out better for the children. If parents go in it does confuse the children and they possibly get more distressed than they would if you 'rip the plaster off'. I do think you should have a visit where you get to meet the staff properly tho and see how your lo responds to them. This should prob be done before your childcare decision tho so if you've already decided that's where you're using I wouldn't bother

3WildOnes · 15/08/2022 10:35

Kanaloa · 15/08/2022 06:56

Yes it is also my experience from working in nurseries that the ones with an open door policy are also better.
In my experience the nurseries who prefer parents to drop and run are also those who will leave a new baby crying on the carpet 'because it has to learn that it cant be picked up and cuddled all the time' .
I've found that if settling sessions are done well then quite a few babies wont get overly stressed at the separation as they feel like they are being left with a trusted carer, just the same way little ones are usually OK being left with family.

Twizbe · 15/08/2022 11:03

@3WildOnes I'm sorry but that is absolute bollocks.

Our preschool and nursery have both kept the drop off at the door post covid because it has proved better for the children.

Having done both, I agree with them. Mine are so much more settled when it's been a door drop.

I also know that neither of those settings would let a baby cry 'to teach them they won't get picked up'.

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