In Laws Childcare

[Floery]

Im going back to work in 3 months time. My family live away, so they can’t have our son, and my Husbands parents have their first grandson (their daughters son) 3 days a week.
We have asked for childcare when I go back expecting them to offer us the same and they’ve offered us one day a week as the other one is there three.
Is it usual to offer the first grandchild one thing, and the second grandchild something else? Does it have any bearing on whether it’s your sons or daughters child?
We feel it it is desperately unfair but we’re not really sure where to go with it to be honest. Any advice appreciated.

Why would you expect your inlaws to have your child when you go back to work ? Book and pay for a nursery place or find a child minder.

You asked, they offered what they're willing to do. It doesn't matter if you think it's fair or not, take it or leave it.

Doesn’t matter if you think it’s fair, they’re still being nice offering you a free day of childcare a week don’t you think?

What plans did you have for childcare when you decided to have a baby?

They clearly made an arrangement with their daughter that they are happy to continue with, so in turn, can only offer you what they can do on top. They are grandparents so why would they look after two small children three days a week?

It would also be odd if they just said to their dd "hey, so, we are stopping doing this for you now". Fine if that's because they want the time back for themselves, but not to then do childcare for someone else.

It is unfair but you can't expect anything, just be grateful for what they offer. Off topic really but if you haven't already get ringing around nurseries, I signed up in January for my DD to start in June and that was cutting it fine.

I think one day a week is pretty good going as it is! That's more than a lot of grandparents do. I imagine that they feel committed to the three days with their first grandchild so don't want to reduce what they've been doing?

I guess we just expected what they did for one child, they’d do for the other. Very wrongly, clearly!

In-laws did half day for us do 2-3 days for sil (their daughter) plus help her a weekend. I think it's mums and daughters. Frustrating tho as sil has her pils doing 2-3 days too plus bils two sister help out. They are literally tripping over their child care. We only have pil as my parents died and dsis lives other side country. Our dc went to nursery and I only work part time.

It sounds like you had expectations on them providing childcare. They are under no obligation to do anything, and any help is a bonus. It's a big ask to look after 2 young kids so regularly.

but we’re not really sure where to go with it to be honest

You go to a nursery or childminder like everyone else!

She got there first. They don't want two at the same time.
Do you expect them to go back on their arrangement with her because you had a child?

How exceptionally wonderful and kind people they are. Sacrificing so much time for their GC. I hope you all show them the gratitude and love they deserve

It has absolutely no bearing and you should be grateful for the one day a week.

It isn't any relations responsibility to provide you with childcare or baby sitting ever.

The first grandchild normally gets more simply because they were alive first.

I know people who have 2 children, some close together, and the grandparents who help out will only look after the first child as that's what they can cope with.

Did you just assume this? And went into parenthood with the assumption you would have 3 days a week free childcare? Neither of you thought to bring it up with them beforehand?

The problem is that they can't offer the same without reducing what they offer the first, can they? Expecting them to look after grandchildren for basically most of their week is a huge, huge ask. Perhaps they just don't want to commit to years more of heavy childcare? Which is what they will be doing if they have your child for three days too.

As it is, they are going to spend four days a week doing childcare for their grandchildren. That's an incredible amount.

You surely must realise that doing childcare for two young children three days a week is a big ask for what must be retirement age grandparents. What happens with the third, fourth etc grandchild? Do you expect them to take all of them for three days a week?? They'd have to open a nursery.

It's unfair but it's unavoidable and no one's fault. Childcare from relatives should never be expected, rather it should be gratefully received if offered.

I don't think you expected the same, I think you presumed and that's your and DH's mistake. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face by turning it into an issue.

The reality is they can’t do the same for you if they are still providing that level of childcare for their other grandkids.
plus they are older now, and probs exhausted.

You should consider yourself lucky they are offering to do anything, not acting like a petulant child that doesn’t have the exactly same toy as their sibling!

had you discussed this with them previously and now they’ve changed their mind or did you just assume they would provide you with childcare? I can understand a bit more your frustration if it was the former, but either way you need to put your energy into finding an alternative asap.

Will they still be looking after their other grandchild? I can imagine going from one to two children is challenging (it's either harder work or more days in your week). I think this is an area where it's hard to be completely even handed.

I can understand it feels unfair but as others have said at least they are offering you a day (I had zero help, my parents are 100s of miles away).

Why do you think it’s ‘desperately unfair’. Were you expecting them to have a baby and toddler 3 days a week, or provide 6 days out of 7 childcare? They really don’t owe you any free childcare. The arrangement was already in place for the first child, that’s just how it goes. I’m quite shocked you’ve left it until 3 months before to sort it out!

Thanks everyone for your advice happy to get a nursery place just feel it’s been massively unfair on us when the daughter gets 3 days. We thought they wouldn’t mind doing the same 3 days.
will remember this when I am a grandparent to not offer loads of days to the first one …!!

You are lucky to have that offer I think as so many grandparents are still working themselves. I won't retire til 67 by which time my grandchildren will be getting past the need for care anyway. I do think the general expectations for grandparents to provide regular care is a bit much though I can see why you feel it's unfair in your family situation though the poor gps would be shattered I think.

Are you taking the day they’ve offered?

No have them both on those days. I already have a nursery space as many days as we need anyway just thought they’d be going to in laws with cousin x

Hopefully your dc won't be raised to assume such a thing from you as you and dh seem to.

Was discussed previously that they would have them both. We joked what even if I had twins and they said yes. So we are a bit shocked yes