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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

In Laws Childcare

101 replies

Floery · 05/05/2022 22:37

Im going back to work in 3 months time. My family live away, so they can’t have our son, and my Husbands parents have their first grandson (their daughters son) 3 days a week.
We have asked for childcare when I go back expecting them to offer us the same and they’ve offered us one day a week as the other one is there three.
Is it usual to offer the first grandchild one thing, and the second grandchild something else? Does it have any bearing on whether it’s your sons or daughters child?
We feel it it is desperately unfair but we’re not really sure where to go with it to be honest. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
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Justmuddlingalong · 05/05/2022 22:56

Drrriiiipppp.

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 05/05/2022 22:57

You try minding two babies/ young yoddlers (not your own) for three full days week in week out then see how reasonable your expectation was. Then add in that they are presumably of at least retirement age when they could actually choose to do FA if they wanted ...

Gazelda · 05/05/2022 22:58

Hang on, did you assume they'd provide childcare (as previously posted) or did you agree it with them ( stated in your most recent post)? Which is it?

SickAndTiredAgain · 05/05/2022 22:58

No, it's not "fair" but that's life. It wouldn't be fair for them to do more childcare than they want. It wouldn't necessarily be fair to their daughter to change their agreement. It arguably wouldn't have been fair to initially offer the daughter less than they were willing to do, on the off chance you had a baby in the near future and they wanted to be able to offer you the same.

RedWingBoots · 05/05/2022 22:58

On a more practical note -

If you are going back to work in July or August you may find it difficult to get a nursery place due to the time of year plus the shortages in nursery workers, especially if your child is under 3.

In regards to childminders - if you can find one - a lot will take their summer holiday in those months so you need to ensure both you and your partner have leave to cover those days.

Oh and I'm another one of many who don't have any grandparents to help. However luckily between us we have younger adult relations and adult friends who will babysit depending on the day of week and time of day.

WobblyLondoner · 05/05/2022 22:59

Floery · 05/05/2022 22:51

Thanks everyone for your advice happy to get a nursery place just feel it’s been massively unfair on us when the daughter gets 3 days. We thought they wouldn’t mind doing the same 3 days.
will remember this when I am a grandparent to not offer loads of days to the first one …!!

I genuinely don't understand why you think this is unfair? Looking after two children is very different to looking after one????

LovePoppy · 05/05/2022 23:00

Floery · 05/05/2022 22:51

Thanks everyone for your advice happy to get a nursery place just feel it’s been massively unfair on us when the daughter gets 3 days. We thought they wouldn’t mind doing the same 3 days.
will remember this when I am a grandparent to not offer loads of days to the first one …!!

Did you expect they’d ditch her? Of that they’d do two kids at once?

pay for your own childcare. You are not entitled to free childcare just because they do it for someone else

BungleandGeorge · 05/05/2022 23:00

When their daughter asked for childcare they had no other commitments. When you asked they had a young child to look after 3 days a week and had probably realised how tiring that is. That’s the difference.

Heyisforhorses · 05/05/2022 23:01

Your shock is unbelievable, you expected them to take your child 3 days along with the other GC? Everything changes going from one child to 2, car seats, shopping etc. and you just expected it. You're lucky you're getting one day and I hope you both show some gratitude too.

FinnRussell · 05/05/2022 23:01

It's hard looking after 2+ kids at that age. I bet you reassess how massively unfair you find it if you ever have a second baby. I hope you are grateful to your PILs, they deserve a big thanks for doing a day a week.

Ready2020 · 05/05/2022 23:03

Wow the responses on here. I knew mumsnet could be harsh but really. I can see why you'd be annoyed (as a younger sibling myself why should the first who has a child get the better offer). It's unfortunate though as the family getting the 3 days were just there first and there isn't much you can do about it. Having that grandchild for those 3 days has clearly been an eye opener for the grandparents and they've realised they can't manage any more kids but can't really go back on the arrangement.

ResidentHortensia · 05/05/2022 23:08

You expect them to have two children for 3 days a week?! Would you have two children who weren't yours for 3 days a week? There are a few threads at the moment by parents whinging about grandparents not doing enough. The sense of entitlement is astonishing.

Original poster
Floery · 05/05/2022 23:09

Assumed based on previous loose convo about the topic

OP posts:
BrilloSolar · 05/05/2022 23:10

You thought they'd just add a baby onto the three days they already mind their grandchild??? I can barely cope with my own two on my own!

Lilaciriscross · 05/05/2022 23:10

I’ll buck the trend of all the outrage here and say I would want to treat my children (& grandchildren) equally. So probably drop some days so I could offer a day and a half to each grandchild. As long as plenty of notice was given to first child so they are not left in the lurch.

Maybe OP is wrong to expect childcare - but understandable to imagine parents would treat children equally. Much like you shouldn’t expect inheritance, but children would still be hurt if one is favoured over the other. Although sometimes there is good reason for this.

Pickabearanybear · 05/05/2022 23:10

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Original poster
Floery · 05/05/2022 23:10

Thanks for being kind some are a bit harsh right 😂 but it’s ok I posted guessing this would be the response

OP posts:
user1474315215 · 05/05/2022 23:12

Of course it's unfair! I looked after my DD's child for two days a week knowing perfectly well that I would offer the same to my DS should the need arise. How can it possibly be fair to favour one child over another.

Original poster
Floery · 05/05/2022 23:12

Absolutely hit the nail on the head with that comment. If one got 3x the interitance of another you would be cross, right!!
i do think yes perhaps the other ones days should be dropped to 1 now and say we can’t do this fairly so this is the only way.

i personally would like to be fair to all my children, but I think we will be working still when mine have children whereas his parents are both retired

OP posts:
Sally872 · 05/05/2022 23:14

I expect when they offered they didn't realise how much work it would be, especially the 18 month stage. They are already committed to grandchild 1. They had less commitment when they took that on now they have to decide what they can do in addition.

My parents watched my own dc1 more than dc2 because they couldn't manage the same for 2 children as they could for 1. I wouldn't take it personally.

BrilloSolar · 05/05/2022 23:15

@Ready2020 so when they offered for the first grandchild should there have been a contract stating what should happen should any possible further grandchildren come along? They offered what they could at the time when they had 1. Next year they could have 4. Should they set out their plans for every possibility? What if op had had twins?

I was the second to have children, and completely accepted that my parents were already committed. I'm also very mindful that they are only getting older.

Ready2020 · 05/05/2022 23:19

BrilloSolar · 05/05/2022 23:15

@Ready2020 so when they offered for the first grandchild should there have been a contract stating what should happen should any possible further grandchildren come along? They offered what they could at the time when they had 1. Next year they could have 4. Should they set out their plans for every possibility? What if op had had twins?

I was the second to have children, and completely accepted that my parents were already committed. I'm also very mindful that they are only getting older.

Not sure why you're singling out me here....

ResidentHortensia · 05/05/2022 23:24

We have asked for childcare when I go back expecting them to offer us the same could you be any more entitled?

StageRage · 05/05/2022 23:25

Floery · 05/05/2022 22:45

I guess we just expected what they did for one child, they’d do for the other. Very wrongly, clearly!

Even if that means they are doing childcare 5 days a week and two days with 2 of them? Or coping with 2 on 3 days every week?

I think it’s ‘first come, first served’, and you might find they can do more when your nephew goes to school.

But you really need to think of the workload for your ILs before you just assume that they will start living like full time childminders to make it ‘fair’.

Sally872 · 05/05/2022 23:25

First grandchild arrives. "Mum can you help with childcare? I will be working 3 days, can you do any?"

Gran "I have plenty of free time, I will do all 3 days"

Second grandchild arrives "mum can you help?"
Gran "I would love to help, I can do one day as already have 3 days with first gc and it is actually a lot more tiring than I thought. Only 1 more year til school thank goodness"

I can't see why gran has to factor in all potential future grandchildren before agreeing to look after those already here. Be glad for the one day and not resentful about anything else.