In Laws Childcare

[Floery]

Im going back to work in 3 months time. My family live away, so they can’t have our son, and my Husbands parents have their first grandson (their daughters son) 3 days a week.
We have asked for childcare when I go back expecting them to offer us the same and they’ve offered us one day a week as the other one is there three.
Is it usual to offer the first grandchild one thing, and the second grandchild something else? Does it have any bearing on whether it’s your sons or daughters child?
We feel it it is desperately unfair but we’re not really sure where to go with it to be honest. Any advice appreciated.

Yes, I do think it's unfair given what they do for their other Grandchild.

That being said both my inlaws and my own Mum relied heavily on Grandparent care when we were kids but neither of them help us out at all.

My inlaws have minded my kids (9 and 5) probably 3 times since my daughter was born and it's like pulling teeth (despite them expecting us to help them out with things regularly) and my Mum watched our kids once from about 8:30pm til 3am as she couldn't come earlier or stay all night because 'it was unfair to expect her partner to look after all their dogs on his own).

So while it's unfair and I get how you feel, there's not much you can do about it.

Fair would be to say to DD sorry but I need to reduce the days I can offer and do 1 or 2 days each. I'd also assume the other DGC is edging towards nursery age.

How’s that fair on the DC, who’s used to their three days with the grandparents, or the SIL, who’s been promised three days childcare and suddenly had it removed

The SIL has benefited from getting 3 days childcare for however long. The child is probably due to get nursery funding so probably won't be spending 3 full days with Granny anyway.

It's really unfair to not help the DS out the same as they have helped the DD. I totally get they can't give them 3 days each. But 3:1 days is a bit of an unfair balance 2:2 or even 2:1 would be more fair to the parents (if granny feels 4 days is too much).
The early years of childcare without funding is so expensive.

Why would you expect this of them? I don’t understand why you would have this expectation; I genuinely do not get it.

It’s YOUR child, make your own childcare arrangements. They have raised their own children. Any help you get is completely in bonus territory.

I wonder if GPS are more likely to do childcare for their daughters?

I think you could be on to something there, more common than you'd think.

Our child was off nursery sick, couldn't go near my parents due to cancer treatment.
MIL watched them the first day and said she couldn't do the next day as her DD wanted childcare, LO would have to go to my parents. That really wasn't an option. I couldn't get more time off work, I was going to have to ask DH to take time off. It was only then MIL put our kid first.

You are being unreasonable. Massively.

They are retired and now giving up 4/7 days to provide free childcare. They can't offer you the same as they already have committed 3/7 to other GC

I think some of the posters are harsh given that they loosely said they'd give you the same amount of childcare before the baby was born. That being said, I don't think it would be fair to suddenly cut the help SIL receives. I suspect the reality of looking after 2 young children at the same time has dawned on them. Offering one day is quite generous given that takes them to 4 days per week of childcare when they're retired.

It's not unreasonable to not want to do childcare for grandchildren but in general you shouldn't just say you will do something for someone when you aren't actually committed to doing it.

Exactly this pil have saved one parent thousands in childcare but the other will have to pay, not fair to favour one of your children over the other.

I’m definitely in the “sort your own childcare” camp but I can see why you feel it’s unfair. Maybe they were hoping that once the little one went to nursery they would have less childcare to do and it would free up some of their own time, don’t forget they are a few years older now.

TBH if I were SIL I would be fine with sharing the days I originally had from my parents.

Agree with this

The entitlement in this post is shocking! What do y'all take grandparents for?????????????????????????????

They may well be counting down the months until the eldest grandchild goes to school so they can get on with their own lives and therefore unwilling to commit to a further 4/5 years of childminding. I know I wouldn't want to be spending my retirement as a full time childminder

If I were you I'd just suck it up and pay for childcare. If you make an issue out of it you will only create a family fallout in which no one will come out well.

I paid for both of my DC to attend nursery and then preschool- cost me tens of thousands of pounds but the alternative was to be beholden to my (now ex) in laws. When you pay for a service like childcare you have every right to demand certain things, when you rely on favours it's a whole different ballgame

People are being harsh, it’s clearly unfair and I wouldn’t be happy about it. They could do 2 days of having each.

My parents would never clearly favour one of their kids/grandkids, saying that they didn’t do any regular child care, and I think it’s because they knew they’d have to do it for all grandchildren

I'm really torn here.

I totally get there should be no sense of entitlement but I feel for the OP as they do give more support to SIL, it's bound to feel unfair.

The SIL 'got in there first' with kids. I'm not sure that gives the right for her to expect the same support when more GK come along and the IL should be saying 'we'll need to reassess what we can offer now' and make it fair.

As with so many dynamics, no one likes boat rocking but if I was your DH I'd at least have a conversation with my parents.Your SIL won't raise it as she's getting the better deal.

If they said they would have both for the same 3 days when discussed previously then yes it’s a bit off they have said one day now

but

you decided to have children , it’s not up to the gp to provide free childcare

maybe your dh their son needs to chat to his sister and parents

and see if both can have 1 each separate and both pay for 2 days

yes she has had free childcare till now but also not fair to suddenly take away

tho something to think about for the future. What happens is they can’t look after due to an accident or even death

my friend is a single parent so slightly diff but she really uses her parents who are in their 70’s for childcare and I don’t think it’s fair to them

they won’t ever say no to her face
but will often moan about it to my
dad who knows her parents

I feel like saying to her look one day they may not be here. What will you do then. Don’t reply on grandparents

they have had their life. Bringing up their kids and working. Now their time to relax

Re cost of child care - that’s something you consider when you decide to start a family, surely?

this seems like suck a UK problem to fight over free grandparent care because daycare is expensive.

In my very large circle of school mom friends, only one has regular grandparent care. The rest suck it up and pay daycare/after school care. There are no “free hours” here either. You make it work.

@LovePoppy where are you and how much does the average hour of childcare cost vs the average wage?

At one point 40% of my take home pay was going on childcare.

BTW that was for one child, I know people who stopped working completely when they had 2 kids.

I think you should say 'thanks, that's great' and not allow your disappointment to show or affect your relationship with your PIL.
They have their reasons. Asking them will just seem churlish and ungrateful.
Maybe they don't feel up to looking after 2 children 3 days a week so have offered what they can.
Maybe it is favouring another child/set of grandchildren, but there's little you can really do about that!
I can see it's disappointing and will be more expensive for you and for that I would sympathise.

Canada

economically depressed area. Min wage at $12 an hour, daycare around $42 per day.

i made above min wage, and after daycare for 2, I’d have brought home $200 a month.

i was fortunate that my husband has a great job, so I stayed home.

so, yeah, far more than 40% of my take home. Still no grandparents owing us childcare. Even though my MIL did 5 days a week for my BIL.

we made due by cutting way back.

Either way, what does this have to do with my thoughts that expecting free child care from grandparents is entitled.

I'm not surprised they haven't offered more - they probably don't want to look after more than one toddler at once and if they offered you separate days they'd be doing free childcare 6 days a week.

I'm a single parent and my mum helps me with childcare for which I'm very grateful. but I'd never ask her to look after both of mine for 3 full days a week every single week. It's too much. She sometimes takes them for 1/2 days a week in the school holidays but that's not every week and if she said no I'd be totally understanding. And mine are older - 4 and 7 - looking after 2 toddlers is a different kettle of fish entirely. It stops becoming fun at that point. Maybe your in laws have found it harder than they expected and are looking forward to when their grandchild gets the funded hours.

Also they tend to be long days - I remember when I was working in the office and my mum looked after my DS2 all day, my mum would often be out of her house from 7am-6pm.

That being said, I don't think the situation is completely fair and if I was a grandparent I'd be offering 3 days a week childcare in total and my kids would have to sort it between them. But I'd only have both toddlers on 1 day and then the other 2 days I'd just have 1.

If you're working FT, one day a week will save you approx 200 quid a month... I'd just accept that gratefully tbh...

You'll be told on here you should be paying for childcare and that its not to be expected from family, but I do get why you are hurt.

My parents provided 2 long full days, from 7.30am till 7pm for my brothers 2 kids, so much so I don't think they ever paid for childcare. My parents look after our 3.5 Yr old one normal day a week, 9-5, and we've now got a 4 month old.

We've yet to sort out childcare for me going back and tbh I'd be hurt if they refused to look after both kids on the same day. Yes that might be an entitled view, but after what they did for my brother, it feels like they care about my kids less. Both my brothers kids are in school so no more childcare needed btw

It's massively different caring for 1 child over 2. Maybe they already find 1 exhausting.

I think you are being really cheeky.