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Original poster

Ex won't help have kids while I work

85 replies

Jodiebrighton · 27/02/2022 23:06

I'm an office and working from home administrator with 2 young children. My ex and father of our children is getting a job on the plans as cabin crew. His rota will change monthly and he will be doing long haul flights ranging from 3 -5 days away, 5-6 times a month. We have 50/50 joint custody. He has said I will need to have the kids while he works away and when he comes back, he will have them. I won't get a choice of days and only be told what days I will have the kids around the 25th of each month for the coming month. Am I expected to agree to this and change my days with the kids every month while he works his dream job. The kids have to move between my home and his every 3-5 days and this will change every single month. There seems to be no compromise from his side and I have to live my life around his rota on a month by month basis. I feel like I'm doing all the compromise and if we were together or not, nothing would change for him in this new job. Doesn't seem fair my life revolves around his job rota and he sacrifices nothing. Am I able to ask for half the month fixed days and the other half from around days he needs covering from his rota? I feel like he shouldn't of taken the job he he can't supply child care without it controlling my life also.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 12/03/2022 08:29

She refused mediation stating we only had teething problems.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/03/2022 08:33

If they’ve refused mediation then it’s court. I’m sorry op.

ChoiceMummy · 12/03/2022 09:03

Then you need to request the miam and go to court.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 12/03/2022 09:36

Looking online now at c100 forms and it says miam is a legal requirement. I will complete the for tonight and go from there

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 03:01

So He updated his rota on Friday morningg to the calendar and I was given 5 days notice. He starts today on 16th and goes away for 3 days. Back for 4 days and then away for 6 days and back for 4. That sees out the month. The first 4 days back are his rest days and he says he is having the kids but the weekend is my only time off to see the kids. He said I have them the 3 days before which is weds to Fridayy but I'm working full time so I only have them an hour in the morning before school and then in the evening when I do dinners bath and bed. He is basically forcing me to do his rota and is given me my days with the kids which are the days he works. I'm not getting a say. I'm basically being forced to follow his rota. I have a solicitor book for Thursday at a cost of £250 an hour. I'm worried a judge would see I have the kids around my job and making it permanent even though it's so hard and my ex doesn't have the kids when he works. I've been told a court order will take up to 8 weeks by which time the judge could say I've been able to facilitate so far so I should keep doing. I'm being forced to follow the rota.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 16/03/2022 03:13

This is all particularly grey because you still all live together in the same house so there isn't the usual disruption there would be for the kids of going back and forth.

Since you all live together, do you not still see the kids when the other parents has their allocated time? How does that work as you are still living in the same house and a 4 and 8 year old don't really understand the concept of don't talk or interact with Mommy on Wed to Friday.

The changing rota and 50/50 aren't going to work long term so you might as well go to mediation or court and get that hashed out now. While you live together it is a little blurrier. If he is home on his days off and in the house - it makes sense that he spend time with the kids.

You really need to get separate residences.

Ilovethewild · 16/03/2022 04:10

Op,

It sounds like ex is only thinking about their parenting in a 4 week period.

What about:

Child’s activities- how will they take them to a weekly swimming lesson or beavers or football?
What about seeing friends/ play dates?
What about friends birthday parties that fall on their weekend?
What about school holidays? Who pays for childcare?

What they are suggesting works for them but doesn’t seem ideal for the children and that is what’s important.

Agree that mediation or court is required.

Just advice ex that the proposal doesn’t work for you so children will not be going on that day/time. And put in cms claim.

And get physically separated, he’s taking the piss!

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 04:21

I could take the kids to my friends house while we sell our family home. But again, the ex won't agree days and just says my days are the days he works. So I still end up following his rota. I think they might do mediation but he has already said it's his rota or court. I've offered 5 days on, 5 days off or week on week off and he said that doesn't work for him. Court is an 8 week weight during which time il have to work full time and have the kids. His April rota shows he is off the last 3 weekends which means I won't have my kids any full days for 3 weeks unless he allows me and we haven't agreed days yet. He just assumes he has them on his test days. My weekend days are my rest days with the kids but his job seems to trump mine!!

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 16/03/2022 07:58

Will he attend mediation? It's very reasonable for you to have alternative weekends so I suspect he will lose time with his children if can't make that happen.

If he doesn't attend mediation then you will have to attend and get a mediatior to sign off BEFORE court. No one can apply to court unless they are gone through mediation or had sign off. It won't look good for him, in court, if he doesn't go to mediation. He will be told this by a solicitor.

Ilovethewild · 16/03/2022 08:30

Op, his work only trumps yours if you agree to it.
Just respond with No, this doesn’t work.
I will make the children available to you on these days. (Consider sharing the weekends) And apply for mediation.

Don’t give in now as by the time it goes to court he could show it’s working, despite your protests. Don’t allow it to happen.

Even if it means things are difficult in the short term for you, this is a long term agreement.

Mediation is ideal to thrash this out , what happens if he changes jobs? Moves away? Lots to consider long term.
You need to adjust to being a single parent, possibly with most childcare.

Sorry this is happening, follow legal advice,

purpleboy · 16/03/2022 10:59

I think you have to put your foot down, and tell him it doesn't work for you.

The weekends he is home and expects the kids, tell him he can have them for one day and you will have them the other, take them out before he gets up.

Are some of the days he is away also days you are working? How do you plan on picking up the kids etc..?

Could you ask someone else to pick up the kids and have them on your working days when he isn't there, so you can then show that it isn't a practical solution, especially if you get the person picking them up to put in writing they will help you out short term until court/mediation but they can't do it long term?

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 18:14

Lat Friday he told me I have the kids this weds to Friday while he starts his new job. I'm working 8-5 all three days. I start work around 7 and will drop the kids off to at school around my work. I'll work for 6 hours straight and pick them up in my lunch at 3. I then have them at home with me for the last 90 mins of my work day while I finish my work. My work are not too over keen on this as they can be distraction. On Monday and Tuesdays I'm in the office so I use Clubs before and after school that cost £33 a day.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 16/03/2022 18:25

Op I know it seems impossible but I feel you need to change your mindset a little.
This is not okay, your work are not happy, could you get a letter from your boss starting in the short term they are willing to let you do this, but it cannot be long term?
Or my previous suggestion, have you got someone who could take them again with evidence of this being a short term thing until it's gets sorted in court.
That way you have shown that you have tried to do something to co operate but it isn't a long term option.

I'm worried if you just agree to it the court will go against you as he will say you can obviously do it. I don't think you should put yourself in that position.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 06:28

That's my biggest fear right now. I spoke to work and they emailed me and said that I need to complete my daily agreed contract hours as I said they could suffer going forward as I'm working with such a challenging ever changing rota. They want me to have more control over when I can work and make up time but they won't let me just miss time here and there. But I'm thinking why does it matter if I can do it now. What about the future if I want to change jobs. I can't because my rota works for him? I think that will be my go to answer for that. I won't set days so I can plan a career change and I can't to that if I have to plan around his rota.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 17/03/2022 06:37

I just wouldn't facilitate this. Unless he agrees to mediation I would stop all contact on days you're not working and beg my friends and family for help when he's working. To be honest if you set up a fundraising page I'd rather donate money for childcare so you don't lose your job than let this bloody man walk all over you.

mangoandraspberries · 17/03/2022 06:50

You are putting yourself at too big a disadvantage long term if you agree to this. Once it's in place he has a precedent that you can make it work and therefore will be harder for you to convince a court that you cannot do it. As you have already said - what if your work changes its mind? They already aren't happy, and we all only get so many free passes with our employers. Shat if you want to change jobs? You need to think about protecting your position and earnings potential long term - this really doesn't work in your situation from what you have said.

Goldbar · 17/03/2022 07:30

You don't have to cooperate with him. Your mistake is feeling that you have no option when he just goes to work and leaves the children with you.

If he refuses to have a sensible discussion with you about this, just make sure you're out of the house when he's planning to drop the kids with you to go to work. Go and work somewhere else. Make yourself unavailable to him. When it starts to screw up his job, he'll be more willing to discuss how unreasonable he is being to treat you as his 'stand-by' nanny.

Pumpfive · 17/03/2022 07:36

I'd agree a 50/50 agreement (4 days each or something) and if his days cross over with him being away then he needs to sort out a nanny/ childcare. Do not bow down to his requests. You've got to stand up to yourself.

ZoBo123 · 17/03/2022 07:50

Could you use the wrap around care on the other days for these next 8 weeks and show the additional cost in court that you have had to meet? Pay for out of joint account if poss.

timeisnotaline · 17/03/2022 12:20

Where is his work? Can you drop the dc there? Days you’re in the office could you leave at 6am and message him to take the dc to school? And on weekends, take them out. Say to him ‘my working assumption is the same as yours- that to facilitate my working I have the dc for all of my non working days. Obviously I won’t leave them abandoned if you are flaky about it.’

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 12:24

Spoke to the solicitor and didn't go well. Basically I have to have the kids while he works. Court could take 3 months after which he could highlight to them it's worked for 3 months.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/03/2022 12:29

What would happen, OP, if you just weren't around for your ex to hand the kids over to when he needed to go to work?

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 12:37

Child services would get involved

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/03/2022 12:40

No they wouldn't. He would have to call into work, like many working parents do, and say that he couldn't come in due to childcare issues.

It is not a child protection issue to leave your children with their other responsible parent.

You have more power than you think. He can't use you as an unpaid babysitter unless you play ball.

Honeyroar · 17/03/2022 12:41

But it hasn’t worked for you. It’s caused you problems at work…

I was BA cabin crew for 23 years. Crew did tend to have their children when they were home, and had a lot of help from their ex’s and grand parents. It’s a very tough job to do as a single parent - which your ex is. Most were terrified of their ex taking them to court as it could be proved that they couldn’t be there enough for their kids to have joint custody. And the airline absolutely won’t bend for situations like this - if he can’t do the roster he’s out. Plus he will have regular standby blocks when he might have to go on a 9 day Australian trip with a couple of hours notice.

I’d see another solicitor- apply for a higher percentage of custody so you can fund regular childcare while he’s away, allowing you to work.