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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Ex won't help have kids while I work

85 replies

Jodiebrighton · 27/02/2022 23:06

I'm an office and working from home administrator with 2 young children. My ex and father of our children is getting a job on the plans as cabin crew. His rota will change monthly and he will be doing long haul flights ranging from 3 -5 days away, 5-6 times a month. We have 50/50 joint custody. He has said I will need to have the kids while he works away and when he comes back, he will have them. I won't get a choice of days and only be told what days I will have the kids around the 25th of each month for the coming month. Am I expected to agree to this and change my days with the kids every month while he works his dream job. The kids have to move between my home and his every 3-5 days and this will change every single month. There seems to be no compromise from his side and I have to live my life around his rota on a month by month basis. I feel like I'm doing all the compromise and if we were together or not, nothing would change for him in this new job. Doesn't seem fair my life revolves around his job rota and he sacrifices nothing. Am I able to ask for half the month fixed days and the other half from around days he needs covering from his rota? I feel like he shouldn't of taken the job he he can't supply child care without it controlling my life also.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 27/02/2022 23:07

Go back to court. He is being a dickhead. He cannot possibly be 50/50 like this.

Ylvamoon · 27/02/2022 23:12

What would happen if you don't agree with his changes? Back to court? Will he need to arrange child care and pay for it?

Campervangirl · 27/02/2022 23:12

Yep, back to court, this isn't sustainable or fair on the DC.
He can't maintain 50/50 in a job like that and it's not your job to facilitate his shared custody.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 28/02/2022 07:55

He says he will only be out the country 50% of the time max so he will be able to have the kids 50/50. But I will basically be supporting his dream job on an ever changing rota. I did this for 5 years when we were together and now after ending things with no discussion he fully expects me to live around his rota every month. He says the courts will say its best for the kids but I think it's perfect for his work lifestyle and horrible for mine and the kids. What if I can't afford court?

OP posts:

Mouldyfeet · 28/02/2022 07:57

Self represent and go back to court. It’s around £200 to put in the request I think.

Totally unmanageable for you and the kids.

WTF475878237NC · 28/02/2022 08:00

Can you do mediation as it's cheaper?

helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/professional-mediation

Valhalla17 · 28/02/2022 08:02

You need full custody to be honest and then he sees them when he's here and it's convenient for the kids. Totally unsettling and stressful for you otherwise.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2022 08:03

Yes you have to push back because this change should not affect you in this way

He either -takes the job and sources his own childcare for the time.

Or he loses 50/50 and pays CMS

Hapoydayz · 28/02/2022 08:06

And what if you decided to become cabin crew also so he had to facilitate your shifts which could clash or is the expectation that your life must revolve around his job only? Of course its unacceptable and you should go to court to have this amended. You would never be able to plan anything in your own life and it would be so disruptive to the children.

gogohm · 28/02/2022 08:14

The airlines are much more accommodating than that. The people I know who are cabin crew (4 do not large sample admittedly) work set routes so know their pattern for the next month, obviously there's a occasional changes but mostly they work set days

Putdownthecake · 28/02/2022 08:31

As recent ex cabin crew that depends on airline. Most do not have fixed flights or set days and they do change every month. You can request to work certain flights but no guarantees. He won't be away that much op. I think my busiest month I worked half of it, about 15 days (not all in one chunk) but its a very good job with young kids as so much time off. I was able to return to work with a 5 month old as on average I worked about 10 days a month full time. However, I was with my child's dad who also works full time. I had to arrange childcare or his dad had him if not working. His choices should not effect you. He needs to arrange childcare for his days. Hopefully a lot of flights will naturally fall on days that would have been yours but no way should his choices impact on you. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much time off he has, providing he doesn't lie of course. I wouldn't rush to court. I'd wait and see the roster and make him arrange the care for his days. Also make sure he's paying what he should be if you do have the kids more.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 28/02/2022 10:12

Thanks everyone. I feel much better about approaching this. It's hard to see how this job could be done with no partner to help out. It's not exactly a single parent job. What makes it worse was this job was accepted when we were still together and they gave their notice in at their current job on Xmas eve. 3 days later on the 27th he ended things with no real reason and now still fully expects I live around his flying rota like I did in the past when he did this role.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 28/02/2022 10:17

Of course you don’t need to facilitate this.

Keep with current plan and he will have to arrange childcare. If he doesn’t then he will have to pay you child maintenance.

If he objects to you not allowing change let him take you to to court. It’s so incredibly unreasonable.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 10/03/2022 23:38

I tried to talk to him and the first line he said was, on the days I'm not working I will have my kids and that's the end of it. That was two nights ago. Tonight I've come home and found the calendar updated to say he is starting next weds and is working for 3 days, off for 4, away for 5 and I'm assuming these are over nights as the 6th day it says they return home. Then it's 3 days off as it's the end of the month. No childcare has been arranged or discussed and they didn't even tell me they had a rota until I got home. I've told them I will be working longer days now and I have a second evening job. I won't be able to do this now as I will have the kids.

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 10/03/2022 23:41

Go to court.

Original poster

Jodiebrighton · 11/03/2022 08:06

I wish it was that easy. Just spoke to them and said this and he said if you can't have the kids while I work away then I'll have them full time and I'll get an au-pair. I said you are threatening to take my children which isn't right and he said we'll if you can't cover my shift then I'll have to.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/03/2022 08:08

If he’s on long haul he will be unavailable much less than 50%.
His life doesn’t get to rule yours.

Movingonup22 · 11/03/2022 08:08

No way he’ll get them full time!!

Ringmaster27 · 11/03/2022 08:12

My ex is military and I totally get where you’re coming from.
His work can be unpredictable with training exercises (which can last for weeks, sometimes months) and live ranges popping up left right and centre. I live away from family and I’m completely at his mercy when it comes to when I can work and when I can’t.
Following with interest

HereBdragons · 11/03/2022 08:13

He can’t take the kids full time just because you are asking for some stability.
Also you can’t expect an au pair to work that number of hours every month on an ever-changing rota. That’s not how au pair contracts work.

Fireflygal · 11/03/2022 08:16

How old are the children? An au pair won't be an option but depends on their ages. Someone with PR needs to be around in case of emergencies.

He is forcing you to work around his rota but I'm not sure court will help.

Findingneeemo · 11/03/2022 08:20

If he says he can get an au pair to cover his shifts then why would he need to have them full time? You need to start putting it all in writing assuming you are going to court. Can you have them full time with your work pattern/childcare etc?

He is throwing his toys out of the pram because you are not playing ball. Threatening to have them full time because he knows you don’t want that.

I presume he pays no maintenance hence he wants 50:50. Plus he doesn’t want to pay childcare.

Au pairs will not cover this many hours, a nanny will but I bet he doesn’t want that cost either.

HereBdragons · 11/03/2022 08:45

Au pairs are really not supposed to be in sole charge of the kids for days at a time - like what would happen if he left them in her care while he was on a long haul trip for 5 days. They’re usually young (always under 30? - often 18 or 21 doing a gap year after school/uni), and they are not trained childcare professionals. Standard hours are 25-28 per week plus once a week babysitting in the evening. It’s more of an option for someone who needs wrap around after school care plus a regular babysitter for Friday or Saturday night. They need there own room and access to transport (so a car if rural or poor transport links, a bus/train pass if links are good). He’s just trying to bully you into doing what he wants.

Shouldbedoing · 11/03/2022 08:52

He's really talking crap to bully and control you - and avoid CMS. Don't be scared to apply for residency yourself. And self represent in court. He will be an easy adversary if this is an indication of his intelligence

Shouldbedoing · 11/03/2022 08:53

P.S up to 80% of registered childcare costs can be covered by UC

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