Ex won't help have kids while I work

[Jodiebrighton]

I'm an office and working from home administrator with 2 young children. My ex and father of our children is getting a job on the plans as cabin crew. His rota will change monthly and he will be doing long haul flights ranging from 3 -5 days away, 5-6 times a month. We have 50/50 joint custody. He has said I will need to have the kids while he works away and when he comes back, he will have them. I won't get a choice of days and only be told what days I will have the kids around the 25th of each month for the coming month. Am I expected to agree to this and change my days with the kids every month while he works his dream job. The kids have to move between my home and his every 3-5 days and this will change every single month. There seems to be no compromise from his side and I have to live my life around his rota on a month by month basis. I feel like I'm doing all the compromise and if we were together or not, nothing would change for him in this new job. Doesn't seem fair my life revolves around his job rota and he sacrifices nothing. Am I able to ask for half the month fixed days and the other half from around days he needs covering from his rota? I feel like he shouldn't of taken the job he he can't supply child care without it controlling my life also.

Take a deep breath. Remember everything he is saying is designed to scare you into agreeing with anything and everything he wants. What he wants is to get his own way, every way, all the time, every time.

Smile and nod and go back to court and get something else arranged. You have the changes to the diary, screenshots them every time. You have his utterly insane demands - and they are insane.

Think about it. His demands mean that you cannot live a life, any life, without being beholden to him and his ever changing schedule. And yet he left you, you are no longer in a relationhsip. Why would any judge condemn you to that? He has to make other arrangements - and that doesn't include getting a nanny and depriving the kids of their mother.

So again, deep breath, nod and smile a bit and grab your anger, get this sorted, your way!

You don't need to pay for court and a solicitor.

What you do need to do is simply write to him and state that you are willing to given him the equivalent of two overnight every 14 days contact that will fit into his monthly rota.

Unless he wishes to maintain the 5050 with set days, you're not willing to accept this and this is not in the children's best interests when he will not be in the UK to provide wither care for them or contact with them.
I would then add that based on his first rota, his overnights are: xyz
Don't enter into discussion.
If wlhe wishes to go to court, let him pay for the mediation and miam needed to go and pay the court fees.
You could self represent.
You need to not bow down.
A court may well expect more flexibility around his rota, but in your defence you'll state he chose this role when leaving the family unit so this was not the established pattern beforehand.
I would also now apply to cms for child maintenance with the eow routine.
Don't be bullied.
Does he live elsewhere or are you still house sharing?

Go back to court. You can't do 50/50 on these ridiculous terms.

Thanks all. I saw a few questions were asked and to answer these the children are 4 and 8, boy and girl and we all live in the same house as we have a joint mortgage. I'm getting help from family to buy him out but on that side he is asking for crazy amounts. But that's another issue.

If he can have the children full time and get a childminder to cover his shifts, great! Good for him!
You are able and willing to provide a minimum of 50% of the child care on a weekly basis. Plus you agree it's in the best interest of the children both of you remain active in their lives.
Therefore he can extend his logical solution. He puts that in place, he (or childminder) then has the children 50% of the time on a regular schedule and you have them the other 50%.
So that threat is a stupid one to try argue in court.

The court wont expect you to fund child care costs on "his days" and why would you pay him (his childminder) to look after your children when you are willing and able to do it on "your" days.

You are entitled to hold down a full time job to earn an living. Thats what the ex is doing. Having you earning reduces the risk that the children end up in a cycle of poverty, so again best interest of the children applies.

You have a right to have your own life too. He left, he cant expect the same relationship dynamic now that he is off living his life. If your prior relationship had evolved into a situation where he needs were met at the expense of your needs, you need to change your mindset. You need to put your life first. If his request has a negitive impact on your life and he benefits your starting point should always be a polite refusal with a suggestion that he (not you) comes up with some alternative arrangements. Dont be the first to offer a compromise or a solution to his problem.
Similar if you request something always try to offer alternatives so that the dynamic is a dialogue not a demand.

I suggest that if you are not already doing so you restrict your communication about care arrangements to some form of written communication.

First gives proof of who said what and a time line.

It also removes some of the emotional blackmail as you can restrict your communication to "action" verbs and dont include "feeling" verbs or respond to his emotional comments.

Sit down and work out a regular schedule that is fair and works for you and the children. Whats the week to week split, who picks up/drops off the DC.
Think about holidays and if you want them travelling out of the country.
Birthdays and any other special days. Whats possible eg can you both see the DC on each day or could it be moved to another day or swap each year.

Think about extra associated costs. Simple stuff, birthdays, if he has the child on that day, is there a party, who organises what, who pays, is DC sent to you for tea etc.
Have a read through other threads and get a feel for what issues you may wish to include in the aagreement.

You know his personality and how he is likely to react but always remember you are entitled to say no and let the court decide if you are being unreasonable.🌻

Just go for full custody and he can pay child maintenance. Less upheaval for the kids, you know where you are, job done.

I just saw your last post that you are still occupying the same house. Is he covering his child care responsibilities at the moment with a 50/50 split?

Plus i presume that you have opened separate bank accounts and closed down any joint accounts and/or credit cards etc. If not do that asap (some banks try to insist that both parties agree to a joint account being shut down even if there is money in the account.)
Contact the bank and confirm that they will send individual communications to both of you about the mortgage, again some banks only write to the first name on the account if its online access check that you have a separate password etc.

Do the same with any utility companies.

By far the cheapest option is for him to pay you CM and have them when he can.

He's an idiot. He's not going to find a form of flexible childcare cheaper than the CM he'll be paying to you if you have them full-time. Just isn't going to happen.

And no, he can't use you as free childcare. 50/50 means 50/50 and on a sensible schedule. You don't have to facilitate his life.

We haven't had any child care costs in the past 2 years as he wasn't on the planes and I worked the child care around my work by starting early and working late or picking the kids up in my lunch. I returned to office work 2 days this week on Monday and Tuesday and we needed breakfast club from 7-8:30 and after school club from 3-6. I dropped the kids off at breakfast club and then I picked them up at 6 from after school club as the club pick the kids up from school. I used money from the joint account to pay for this as I said we are still living together and we haven't agreed set days so no one was responsible for child care cost on those days. But going forward I want set days so I can plan child care but this is now going to be based on his rota.

So yes we do have a joint back account for now as we are trying to end our living arrangements. Didn't know about cancelling all joint accounts and telling utility companies.

I think I may have to try the court route. Are there steps to take for this if I want to self represent? Any links or help would be appreciated. Thanks again that have helped me on this.

@Jodiebrighton

Thanks all. I saw a few questions were asked and to answer these the children are 4 and 8, boy and girl and we all live in the same house as we have a joint mortgage. I'm getting help from family to buy him out but on that side he is asking for crazy amounts. But that's another issue.

You need a rics valuation and make an offer based on that not an estate agent valuation

@Jodiebrighton

I wish it was that easy. Just spoke to them and said this and he said if you can't have the kids while I work away then I'll have them full time and I'll get an au-pair. I said you are threatening to take my children which isn't right and he said we'll if you can't cover my shift then I'll have to.

And you said off you go then, see you in court?

Is the job confirmed ?!

It's now been confirmed. He was offered it end of sept beginning of Oct last year and then ended things with me at the end of December. So 2 months lafter accepting it. He gave his notice in at his current job on 24th dec, and ended things with me on 27th dec. new job was supposed to start on jan 25th but BA hired 4000 people in one go and it became a mess. This was his 4th start date which was confirmed yesterday.

Well on the upside he’s confirmed that he’s a dickhead that you’re well rid of! Good luck getting it sorted x

@Jodiebrighton

It's now been confirmed. He was offered it end of sept beginning of Oct last year and then ended things with me at the end of December. So 2 months lafter accepting it. He gave his notice in at his current job on 24th dec, and ended things with me on 27th dec. new job was supposed to start on jan 25th but BA hired 4000 people in one go and it became a mess. This was his 4th start date which was confirmed yesterday.

Would it make any difference that you were originally (when together) accepting of this new job? Would that go against you now?

@purpleboy that makes no difference. When you're in a relationship you typically have sex with someone. When you break up you don't. It's normal to support life choices a partner makes when together and not after a breakup. You compromise. But the ex clearly isn't prepared to compromise.

[quote findingsomeone]@purpleboy that makes no difference. When you're in a relationship you typically have sex with someone. When you break up you don't. It's normal to support life choices a partner makes when together and not after a breakup. You compromise. But the ex clearly isn't prepared to compromise.[/quote]
I'm not sure what sex has to do with it
I was more musing over the judges perception of op being ok with the arrangement when they were together as it would have still impacted her the same way regarding work if he was on different shifts.

I don't think he is reasonable, I'm just wondering if it could change the judges perception because op initially agreed to it.

It's a fair question. It's the sort of thing I would want to know just in case. I did do it for 4 years as we were a 2 person 2 income house hold and I wanted to support my partner. But we are no longer a couple. They just want me for child care now. Once I'm in mine own place with the kids half the time, my bills won't drop 50% but the household income will. So I have to work more and won't be able to commit to his rota. Plus I don't see why I should as it's his choice to do that kind of work. I'm sure it will be hard when he is away for 3-5 days sitting on a beach somewhere while I have both kids and a full time job plus overtime or a second job going on. And working around his rota of course.

Things have changed now they aren’t a couple. Why should OP have to arrange every waking hour around her ex. I don’t and wouldn’t. He sounds like a total bell end and CF for the record

Why don't you suggest that he has the kids during your working hours so you don't have to pay for childcare/afterschool/holiday club at all?

He can arrange his job around your life.

Oh wait, that doesn't work for him .

He sounds awful.
With his new job he can't have 50/50.
His proposal is totally self indulgent and not what's best for your children.
Don't let walk over you OP.

@Jodiebrighton

It's a fair question. It's the sort of thing I would want to know just in case. I did do it for 4 years as we were a 2 person 2 income house hold and I wanted to support my partner. But we are no longer a couple. They just want me for child care now. Once I'm in mine own place with the kids half the time, my bills won't drop 50% but the household income will. So I have to work more and won't be able to commit to his rota. Plus I don't see why I should as it's his choice to do that kind of work. I'm sure it will be hard when he is away for 3-5 days sitting on a beach somewhere while I have both kids and a full time job plus overtime or a second job going on. And working around his rota of course.

Under usual circumstances, splitting parents that had a precedence set of shift work are normally expected to work around these post split, even if it means no set days or rolling contact dates.

Arguably, this wasn't set, but you were willing to work around this in principle presumably. Hence I think that my original post above stands. That you state 5050 with no consistency isn't fair on the children, but you will ensure that they have 2 overnight contact per 14 days working around his nrota is the way to go. You're working around him and yes that means no set dates, but also means that you have the certainty over the other 11 days a month that he would have had them.

Thanks again for all the support. I just can't but worry and think it's all going to go wrong. As they are now starting their job, I have no choice but to say I'll have the kids while he works away as my kids won't have anyone else. I can't do that to them. It's emotional blackmail. What's my first point of contact for going to court?

@Jodiebrighton

Thanks again for all the support. I just can't but worry and think it's all going to go wrong. As they are now starting their job, I have no choice but to say I'll have the kids while he works away as my kids won't have anyone else. I can't do that to them. It's emotional blackmail. What's my first point of contact for going to court?

Mediation unless there was dv involved in which case this is not appropriate.