Looking after grandson

[proudnorthernlass]

I expect to be shot down for this ...

I look after my young grandson once a week so my daughter and son-in-law can work.

I've had to give up a days work to do this, so it has quite a big impact on my monthly income (although that's not the main issue) ...

I'm not particularly well either (although can cope with a desk job).

To be honest, I'm struggling and am relieved on those occasions when my daughter has taken the day off to care
for him if he's been unwell!

I read on here about grandmas who love having their grandchild for the day.

I feel terrible as I don't feel like that but don't want to let my daughter and son-in-law down.

I wonder if there are other grandmas who feel like this?

It's okay to say it isn't working for you. Please tell your daughter that you would like the current arrangement to end with plenty of notice - say Easter. Lots of time for them to find alternative childcare provision.
You have helped them hugely at some personal cost, they should be enormously grateful to you.

Well of course it isn’t just you, my mum would never have my children for me to work because she doesn’t want to.

Of course it isn't just you. Many of us would struggle with a baby / toddler, once "Grandparent age".
As Flibberty says, let them know you are finding it more difficult than expected and ask that they look into other care for the day you have him.

I look after mine too, it’s bloody hard work! I’m not out of pocket as I’m retired, and my dd pays for things like trips out.

Please just be honest. We moved house because my mum offered childcare. Within 2 weeks the goal posts had moved and then they kept moving until we employed a nanny because it just wasn’t working with my mum. She just didn’t/doesn’t get that if she wants to do childcare it’s on every day that I work, not just the ever changing ones that suit her. I’m really sad because it’s really affected our relationship, but mostly because she still over promises and fails to deliver. I just need her to be honest.

It's not just you. My mother has always said that she wouldn't be happy to provide regular childcare for any grandchildren (mostly on grounds of being older and likely to be exhausted/struggle, but also due to not wanting a regular commitment); she happily helps every so often for a few hours and enjoys it, but once every so often is quite enough for her!

I used to have dgs from Sunday afternoon for 1 night. Dil came and collected him at 2pm. I had primary school dc to collect. Then it was 2 nights and collected Tuesday 2pm.
Then she started being late and I was fitting an extra car seat in a hurry or late for pick up..
I reorganised my job (se) so accommodate dgs being here so much. Then dil needed me to have him a week. Which I did. Tbh my mh was becoming affected as I was fearful of her saying a wasn't a decent dgm if I said no. I spoke to ds and removed the free childcare.. Dgs went into nursery and in time ds fell out with me anyway..

Whole load of stress. Stay in the dgm zone not cm ime.

In other words, you want to enjoy being a grandmother but not his carer? That seems to make perfect sense. I’m sure there are plenty of grandparents in the same position who feel like this, but it’s pretty taboo to say it at least irl. And there’s often a grandfather to share the load.

How old is he just out of interest, and how long do you have him during the day? I can imagine how difficult this must be for you but there’s nothing wrong in admitting that you no longer have the health and energy and stamina that you once had and you’ve realised you can’t manage it anymore.

@FlibbertyGiblets

It's okay to say it isn't working for you. Please tell your daughter that you would like the current arrangement to end with plenty of notice - say Easter. Lots of time for them to find alternative childcare provision. You have helped them hugely at some personal cost, they should be enormously grateful to you.

I agree

I look after mine, some after school and some I have at weekends and school holidays. I think because there is a big age gap with my children, 20 years, and the older GC sort of overlapped with my youngest children I have just always been used to little ones around. I think if you've had a big break between your children being young and having GC it is probably a bit of a shock to the system.

How old is he? Is it maybe a difficult phase e.g. terrible twos.

I am retired but looking for a part time job. My daughter and grandson live with me. He is three and very lively. He attends nursery one and a half days per week and the rest of the time when she works I look after him.
If she goes out in the evenings I babysit as he is in bed and I am at home.
There are times when I feel it is all too much especially when the house gets messy and things get broken, and there is too much noise, but I will say something to her instead of letting it grow and fester into something out of hand.
My mother didn't show any interest when I had my children. She played no part in our lives apart from the obligatory visit when they came home from hospital, and the first birthday and perhaps Easter.
Babysitting was out of the question. Visits to her house were an ordeal. She had fridge magnets which they loved and she would go mad if they touched them. They had to behave. She never ever picked on of my babies up and sat with them on her knee.
My grandchildren all know me and love me as I do them.
It is what it is, but if it all becomes too much you have to speak up and say so. I would not have it any other way but I enjoy the peace and quiet when they go out !
Speak up OP and avoid falling out which you will do if you don't say something now

My mum said no to regular childcare from day one. Emergencies and half terms only. PIL were the same. All bonded just fine.
I too, do not want to be doing the school run in my retirement.
You prioritise your own wants and needs at your time in life. I see too many beleaguered GP pushing prams round. Their DC so beholden.
Any decent daughter and SIL will understand.

Thanks everyone. He's 18 months old.

I love seeing him when he's with his parents and I'm happy to babysit if they go out for the night, but a whole day for nine hours is so tiring for me.

I'm concerned that, if I stop looking after him, it could cause upset (although hopefully not), as they seem to feel that I can't wait to have him! I think they'd be really sad to realise this isn't the case.

I also don't think my daughter and son-in-law realise quite how unwell I feel at times as I try not to talk about it (arthritis).

If I don't have him they can't afford their mortgage.

The salary I have lost for giving up work one day per week is more than what they would pay to send my grandson to nursery on that day. It almost feels like I should go back to work and offer to pay for nursery, but realistically I'm not well off and that extra day's salary pays for things over and above my regular monthly bills.

Lots to consider.

I may have to start telling them how I'm struggling with my health and therefore prepare them!

I may have to start telling them how I'm struggling with my health and therefore prepare them!

I think so, and their obvious thought must surely be how hard childcare will be, for you, so they’d be prepared. You shouldn’t have to, but maybe contribute half of the nursery fees for that day? Nine hours is a very long day and toddlers are relentless! 😁

I was actually thinking about this the other day as I see loads of absolutely knackered/fed up looking grandparents on my days off with my dd so you are definitely not alone op!

You need to be honest with them about your arthritis.

It is perfectly OK to be a loving involved grandparent without taking on a childcare commitment! It’s mad losing a days pay (and pension contribution…) in order for them to earn!

Much better to be honest now and give them loads of notice than be flaky or increasingly resentful.

I never had any childcare from family: didn’t change mine or the children’s relationship with their grandchildren!

Grandparents seem to be between the devil and the deep blue sea.

When they look after grandchildren, they are 'called' for not doing things the parents way, being interfering and nosy.

When they don't look after grandchildren, they 'don't care' and are often subjected to the 'no contact' clause. They can't win.

I often feel like reminding my children that my legs are decades older than theirs as they seem to think that when I have their children, I should be 'all singing, all dancing'.

OP, you need to explain and ask how you can help in other ways in which don't cost you money. If you need the extra income, you should hopefully be able to return to work full time.

I had no help from my parents/in laws because my parents had me in their late thirties and they were too old/in ill-health to look after my children and the in laws both worked full time.

I would have been eternally grateful just to have had my ironing done for me when mine were little.

I have three grandchildren two days a week and one granddaughter two days a week. I do sleepover every Friday. I have grandchildren with parents around on Saturday and everyone for Sunday lunch. I work from home for up to 4hrs every weekday evening. (My husband does the pick up from school so that gives me a little breathing space.)

Unfortunately, my children can't coordinate their time off in order to give us the opportunity for a holiday. It's complicated shift patterns. We grab a few weekends away here and there.

I realise this is for a short period of time until the children start school full time (breakfast and after school clubs depending) and I'm happy to help (as long as my children aren't complaining behind my back about my approaches on social media) purely because no one did it for me.

They will have to figure it out if they have relied on your one day a week in order to afford their mortgage. They will have other choices including a second evening job if they have stretched themselves that thin.
They may be able to do something called compressed hours where you work 5 days worth of hours across 4 or 10 days in 9. It will mean they won't spend early evenings together with their toddler but in practice that may be unusual anyway.

Free babysitting and the occasional overnight stay will be a godsend. Don't undersell the value of that to yourself. The early years are tough for parents but someone trusted and prepared to give them an evening to themselves semi regularly is AMAZING. As your grandson gets older it will get a bit easier too. A child that can use the toilet independently, amuse themselves with some Lego, bake some biscuits or do some digging in the garden with you is a very different proposition that a 2yo you need eyes in the back of your head for.

Break it to them now and don't soft soap it. They will need time to figure it out

I have dgs two or three days a week. I don't enjoy it nearly as much as dd thinks I do if I'm honest. He's a lovely two and a half year old but he's exhausting and I feel far too old and tired to be entertaining him for days at a time. I won't let dd struggle though so will carry on providing childcare.

Don't feel guilty there has never been so much financial help for childcare.
Most use maximum maternity leave so look for childcare from around 1. Often going back on reduced hours. If they are very low income they can get up to 85% of costs paid if on higher wages they can save 20% through tax free childcare. All children get 15 hours free from the term after they turn 3 and many get 30 hours (term time figures....11 and 22 if all year) if they work more than 16 hours and earn less than £200k, they then start full time school at 4 not 5 as it used to be.
Arthritic pain is a lot to cope with especially in legs hips, feet or spine getting up and down chasing around after children is painful and arthritis makes you exhausted anyway.

Do they not contribute financially?
I pay my mom to look after my son one day a week- not a lot as I can’t afford that but enough to cover her meals for the day, treat herself to something.
She offered and I have always said if it gets too much to let me know.
It’s not worth building resentment.

Frankly if paying for 1 day more of nursery a week is going to stop them paying their mortgage they are probably living beyond their means. Full time places can usually be the same price as 4 days- full time discounts

My mother had to stop looking after my kids once a week because she was too tired due to health problems. It was totally fine. I wouldn't have wanted her to struggle, and I didn't take it to imply that she didn't love the children or want to be with them.

The salary I have lost for giving up work one day per week is more than what they would pay to send my grandson to nursery on that day.

Surely between them they'd be able to cover this one day and still pay their mortgage, if you could cover it alone with your own pay for 1 day?

Please speak to your daughter OP. My MIL looks after DS 2 days a week and while we hugely appreciate her help, I’d hate to think of her struggling. We want her to enjoy her time with him so would find a way round the childcare issue

If I don't have him they can't afford their mortgage

In the nicest way, this is THEIR issue as grown adults! Either THEY need to cut their own costs elsewhere, work more hours, get a night stacking job or otherwise sort it out. I find it selfish when people have children then expect their parents to do free child minding!

Do they are least pay you the wage you lost or very close to it? If they have more children, are you going to be expected to mind them also? What happens when you are ill/have a holiday etc??? What would they be doing if you lived further away or not around anymore?

Do you have other children? Do you pay for their childrens child care? Do you provide 9hrs care a week for them? If not, its giving your DD £££ worth of free childcare, and nothing to your other children!

I'm sorry your arthritis is bad, but you do need to make a plan and let me know its not working. I'd make it clear that what you can mange (an evening out for them, 2hrs ad hoc or whatever) but not a weekly, free child minder doing 9hr days!

Many people have to manage without free family childcare! YOU also need to step up and stop thinking that YOU need to sort it out or pay for their childcare!!! THEY need to sort this out. Best of luck op