Looking after grandson

[proudnorthernlass]

I expect to be shot down for this ...

I look after my young grandson once a week so my daughter and son-in-law can work.

I've had to give up a days work to do this, so it has quite a big impact on my monthly income (although that's not the main issue) ...

I'm not particularly well either (although can cope with a desk job).

To be honest, I'm struggling and am relieved on those occasions when my daughter has taken the day off to care
for him if he's been unwell!

I read on here about grandmas who love having their grandchild for the day.

I feel terrible as I don't feel like that but don't want to let my daughter and son-in-law down.

I wonder if there are other grandmas who feel like this?

In my part of West London 9 hours after tax free is applied would cost around £36 with a childminder is there really no cut backs they could make to save this amount?

Totally agree with what Hairyfriend has said and what Jannier said.

If they are adults, with a mortgage, then chose to have a child, they need to figure out the way that works best to manage that - just as we did when we were skint and parents of young dc. It isn't your responsibility. If they don't earn that much then they need to look into the support available to help with childcare costs.

@proudnorthernlass

If you don't have him they can't afford their mortgage?

I'm sorry but that's not your problem they should have thought about that before and if you physically became too poorly to look after him or like my mum passed away unexpectedly when my kids were tiny what would they do then?

It's their responsibility to sort this please don't feel bad

Thanks everyone.

You're right. If they can't afford child care then it's not my fault.

I suppose I don't want to upset them by making them feel I don't enjoy looking after my grandson.

I need to make them aware of how unwell I've been and then take it from there!

Please talk to them! My MIL has fibromyalgia, she loves seeing our Son (her Grandson) but she struggles having him on her own. Both my partner and FIL work away so I make sure to take him round plenty so she can spend time with him but I'm always there. She watches him occasionally for the odd hour if I need to pop out or picks him up at nursery for me if I'm running late but I would never ask her to do a full day because I know how much she struggles. If I didn't know this, I would hate to think she was struggling and didn't tell me - I'm sure your Daughter would too!

Childcare is expensive but it's temporary. It isn't fair that you're losing a days wages so they can earn that day.

Tell them to look at the Gov tax free child care - if they're both working but earning less than £100K each they should be entitled to it - the Gov pay 20% of childcare costs so it works out slightly cheaper.

If childcare is still too expensive for that day then they will need to find a way to manage their jobs, either by trying to work opposite shifts or similar to figure it out. You shouldn't be helping to the detriment of your health even though it's lovely you want to help.
If possible I would give them a month or so notice so they have time to try sort something though

You can always say you are happy to help by having him on an ad hoc basis - perhaps when poorly, or maybe just for them to have a night off now and then, or even to go to appointments for a couple of hours, but that is different from a 9 hour day every week, which you are finding too much.

I would just say something like 'I'm finding my arthritis is flaring up a lot at the moment so it's a little bit mote tiring running around after X. Work have also asked if I can pick back up a 5th day. So could we end the weekly arrangement at Easter please but I'm more than happy to have him occasionally and for babysitting'

Please let us know OP how it all goes.

Their mortgage repayments are their business....not something for you to worry about..... I have never offered to have my 3 GC as regular childcare.... and never would....I know it would cause issues ( for me)....I do what I can....when I can, to help out....and my children are grateful for this.

My PIL live 10 minutes away, are fit and healthy and retired and they told us they wouldn't provide any childcare because it's too much of a commitment. Do what's best for you.

Op you sound lovely. You need to put yourself first now, especially health wise.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I was convinced I was going to get lots of negative responses.

I'm definitely going to do something about the situation. I'm particularly aware that I'm not currently looking forward to seeing my grandson because it's hard work for me. I don't want that to be the case as I want to look forward to meeting up with him!

I think I'm going to say that my arthritis is getting the better of me and I'm finding it difficult to care for a little one all day (which is all true).

I will then explain to my daughter that I may go back into the office to work on that day as the money is helpful.

My daughter and son-in-law are not unreasonable. They just love their son so much and may be upset if they think I don't enjoy having him!

Their child. Not yours

They will find the money and be grateful fir what you have saved them

You shouldn’t be out of pocket looking after him

Bring a gp and spending a few hours is very different from every week one day care

I find the fact they aren’t offering you compensation for your job very disappointing. My mum looks after my child two days a week and although she can manage with the drop in wages and out right refused any money I pay her the pension contributions she is losing out on which is circa £150 a month. It would cost me £400 to put my child in nursery an extra two days a week so I’m still better off and my mum genuinely enjoys it however, if she at any point said she didn’t want to do it anymore I would put my daughter in nursery full time.

Having her look after my child is a luxury and I would never enforce it. Have you spoken to your daughter ref this and explained how you feel?

I look after my younger GS one full day a week. I love him very much but to be honest I find it exhausting. He's just two so can't be left to himself at all obviously. My DS and his partner split up and he wouldn't be able to work that day otherwise. DS lives in a second floor apartment at the moment with no lift so it's hard on my old knees haha. He goes to nursery one day a week on his mums time but is going up to two days soon to prepare him for school nursery, and it's the day I look after him. My DS thinks I'm very upset but I'm actually quite looking forward to bring a hands off nanna again!

Maybe you could explain that due to your health you are struggling with a whole day and give them a bit of warning so they can make arrangements. Maybe soften the blow by saying you would still like to see him regularly so offer to babysit one night a week or have him to stay one night a fortnight? Do it quickly because this is prime having a second baby time and you don’t want to end up with 2 of them!

OP,

Exerting yourself beyond what you are able is not good for you.

I found my youngest tiring in my 40's at that age so simply can't imagine what it would be like in my 60's.

You need to be honest, particularly before they start talking about more children.

My late lovely neighbour reared her sons FOUR children for the last 20 years of her life for free.

Full time.

It exhausted her, untill she died suddenly.
She was such a lovely woman but never got a break from them.

Minding, collecting, feeding, cleaning up after them, all the summer holidays.

They couldn't afford the childcare but still went ahead and had 4 children because they imposed on his mother throughout her latter years.

So unbelievably selfish.

If you can't afford any childcare you shouldn't be having children.

Expecting elderly parents to mind your children FT is unbelievably selfish.

Please please tell them it’s too much. It isn’t your responsibility to make sure they can afford their mortgage. They can downsize; they can watch budgets. They made a choice to have a child with all the costs that entails. It’s not easy looking after a toddler/young child. They should understand if they are nice/kind people. X

My Mum looked after my baby 2 days a week, but I covered her lost earnings and she looked after her at my house with my DH WFH so there was always another person around.
I actually couldn't leave DD alone with Mum as it wasn't safe, she has mild dementia so this arrangement worked well for us.
Looking after a toddler is hard work and it's fair enough to admit that you can't do it now after all, it's making you unwell. It won't be easy for your DGS parents but that's unfortunate but can't be helped.

Ah OP, you sound lovely.

I'm the Mum in this situation and my parents used to do one day a week childcare.

We always said if it became a chore not a pleasure then GP must let us know. We didn't want it to feel like a business arrangement & certainly didn't want it to negatively affect any of the family relationships.

As PP have said, they are my children, not my Mum's & it's my responsibility to provide childcare, not depend on anyone else.

Don't get me wrong - I'd have been a bit disappointed it didn't work out for several reasons, but I'd much rather my mum was happy and enjoying my children than exhausted & not looking forward to it.

It's unreasonable of them to expect you to give up a day's work while they both work, especially as he's a young energetic child and you find it physically demanding.

My mother has occasionally looked after my son and my sister's daughter but this is always agreed well in advance and her existing plans have always come first.

Childcare is expensive in the UK and absolutely needs to be a government subsidised service, as in other European countries.

"They just love their son so much and may be upset if they think I don't enjoy having him!"

Looking after for 9hrs(!!!!) is so different to a couple of hours or enjoying them whilst the parents are there.

Tbh I'm gobsmacked that they were OK with you giving up a day of paid work-to do a day of unpaid work for them!

On Gransnet there are women in their 60s/70s looking after GC full-time, babies, toddlers and school runs, sometimes all three! For years on end. Usually for no payment and very demanding adult children who give out firm rules on food, TV, etc, and get the hump if days off are requested!

My dad told my sister and I from the time that we were teens that when the day came for grandkids, he and mum would not be up for childcare responsibilities. Babysitting for weekends and evenings so we could get a break was fine, but he was looking forward to his retirement and didn’t want to commit to a childcare arrangement.

Fast-forward 20 years and my sister and I both have young dc, and we always knew where we stood when it came to making plans for going back to work. We both use nurseries, and see the benefit of having reliable, professional childcare, so the time that our parents spend with the dc is just fun.

I’ve never asked them for a weekly arrangement, something DH never understood. But I’m grateful dad drew that line in the sand long, looooong before it became an issue.

How convenient for all this parents to be horrified that their parents don't want to give up paid work to mind an energetic 18 month old for 9 hours a day🙄.

OP, I think you daughter is a combination of conveniently being selfish and willfully obtuse.

It is no wonder I hear more and more women saying they are fore warning their children NOT to factor them into their future childcare needs.

Emergency care, yes.
The odd bit of babysitting, yes.
The odd appointment, yes.

Expecting free FT childcare is the height of selfishness IMO.