Grandparents don't seem interested

[clairejnelly]

My parents live over an hour away but are obsessed with my 3 month old.

My partners parents are 10 mins away but not that bothered.

I understand all grandparents are different. Recently I've suffered with post natal depression, insomnia and we have just moved house. We asked if they would sit with our daughter to give us some time out and we felt like we were putting on them... it didn't feel natural.

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

I can't help but feel upset, but at the same time I'm fully aware that we are all different...

How can I feel differently?

You have my sympathies. My PIL were disinterested in DD, made all the more hard to swallow as they were quite hands on with DH's older kids.
Try not to feel resentful (I didn't succeed terribly well!) and grateful that at least your parents are keen to be grandparents.

Some people just aren't baby people. I don't think you can take it personally. If you and DH have a good relationship with them then I'd expect them to offer because they know you're struggling, but it might not occur to them because they just don't enjoy babies. My mum and auntie joke about how rubbish my grandma was when me and my cousins were babies.. she made it clear that she'd be doing no babysitting as she'd already had her turn raising babies, but as we got older (once we were over 5) she was a brilliant grandma as she enjoyed our company as we got older 🤷‍♀️

You are lucky you have posted in Childcare and not AIBU otherwise you'd be absolutely roasted 🤣

Generally I've found that where the grandchild is the child of a daughter then grandparents tend to be more interested

But some grandparents just feel like they have done their time with their own kids and just not interested in anyone else's

@ivfbeenbusy

You are lucky you have posted in Childcare and not AIBU otherwise you'd be absolutely roasted 🤣

Generally I've found that where the grandchild is the child of a daughter then grandparents tend to be more interested

But some grandparents just feel like they have done their time with their own kids and just not interested in anyone else's

What's AIBU?

Depending where you are in the world, could it be due to covid restrictions? Some people want to stick to the rules and that, unfortunately, means not socialising with family..

@Lubiluxe

Depending where you are in the world, could it be due to covid restrictions? Some people want to stick to the rules and that, unfortunately, means not socialising with family..

You’re allowed a support bubble with a child under one.

I have parents who show minimal Interest in my children. It is sad but something I have learnt to deal with.

If you were planning for grandparents to provide childcare, would it be possible to move closer to your parents? Although they may be less ‘obsessed’ when confronted with the reality of being expected to babysit...

It’s not unreasonable to ask your PIL for an occasional break (although equally, they aren’t unreasonable for not wanting to, either!), but the fact that you’ve posted in Childcare Options indicates that you’re probably expecting it to be a regular thing, and I don’t think that’s very reasonable, sorry. They’ve raised their child(ren) - they’re under no obligation to help raise yours; it would be lovely if they wanted to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to commit to regular childcare if it’s not something they genuinely want to do. Not everyone enjoys babies/toddlers/children, or loves them but in very small doses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Where does this say they're not interested?

I completely understand them not wanting to provide childcare. But are you sure they're not interested in you/the baby? That's completely separate question. They may not feel they can ask but wait to be invited as many people (see mumsnet!) Dont like in laws descending and live in fear of "being a burden." Etc

Invite them over for an afternoon or go visit them in their garden or meet up at a nationalntrust or soemthing. Its been a strange year hasn't it for having a baby.

I imagine your family is obsessed because they’re an hour away and don’t need to worry about regular childcare. The truth is your pil’s attitude is much more normal and healthier in my opinion - this is a 3 mo baby. Anyone who isn’t wary of looking after a baby that young without their parents around isn’t normal in my opinion. I imagine they will be happier to provide childcare as the baby gets older.

I think this is how it is in families and it’s disappointing especially with your first child OP.

It’s nothing personal most of the time. They are probably not that way inclined.

You’re allowed a support bubble with a child under one.

Yes I'm totally aware. But I assumed- from op's post that they are in a support bubble with her parents.

@SavingsQuestions

Where does this say they're not interested?

I completely understand them not wanting to provide childcare. But are you sure they're not interested in you/the baby? That's completely separate question. They may not feel they can ask but wait to be invited as many people (see mumsnet!) Dont like in laws descending and live in fear of "being a burden." Etc

Invite them over for an afternoon or go visit them in their garden or meet up at a nationalntrust or soemthing. Its been a strange year hasn't it for having a baby.

I think this gets to the nub of it, actually, and that you need to think about what you mean, @clairejnelly... are you upset that they don’t want to babysit/give you a break/provide free childcare? Or are you upset that they don’t seem interested in your baby and building a relationship with their grandchild?

If it’s the former, then you can’t reasonably expect them to do that (though it’d be great if they wanted to, and they may when child is older). If it’s the latter, then 3 months old is still very young, and as I said in my first response - not everyone enjoys or is confident with babies. I’d work on building the relationship by spending time as a family (ie you and DP and baby visiting them or having them over) and not expect childcare from them unless/until they offer it.

Congrats on your baby, btw.

Look at it this way, at least they aren't constantly in your faces, making demands that you're not comfortable with and being difficult in the opposite way.
My DP's parents have zero interest in us as a couple, nor our kids. They'll visit of they are passing our city going on holiday but they are not interested. No phone calls, not interested in the kids progress, our lives, none of it. I used to get upset but then my mum made the point above and after reading some threads on here, it's fine.

@UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea

If you were planning for grandparents to provide childcare, would it be possible to move closer to your parents? Although they may be less ‘obsessed’ when confronted with the reality of being expected to babysit...

It’s not unreasonable to ask your PIL for an occasional break (although equally, they aren’t unreasonable for not wanting to, either!), but the fact that you’ve posted in Childcare Options indicates that you’re probably expecting it to be a regular thing, and I don’t think that’s very reasonable, sorry. They’ve raised their child(ren) - they’re under no obligation to help raise yours; it would be lovely if they wanted to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to commit to regular childcare if it’s not something they genuinely want to do. Not everyone enjoys babies/toddlers/children, or loves them but in very small doses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was actually thinking like once a month asking them, I don't need regular childcare as my mum comes over each week and me and my husband have our own business. I wouldn't think it would be unreasonable to ask once a month maybe?

A lot of women on here want to hold their PIL at arms length - ban them from seeing the baby for a while, get offended if the PIL want time with the baby, etc. And - not saying this to make you feel bad but many women don't want to be away from their baby until they are quite a bit older.

So to some extent your PIL are probably feeling their way, trying not to offend you etc. I think you need to see this a) as a long haul thing, your PIL may get more involved as they get to know the baby and how you are and b) not make comparisons as all grandparents are different

I also think your expectations of childcare are a bit high given how young your baby is, to be honest. For comparison, my older son is over 4 and has been babysat once by my PIL and never for more than an hour by my parents.

@Lubiluxe

You’re allowed a support bubble with a child under one.

Yes I'm totally aware. But I assumed- from op's post that they are in a support bubble with her parents.

You can have a support bubble and also childcare bubble. We also have Covid tests each time before we mix

@SavingsQuestions

Where does this say they're not interested?

I completely understand them not wanting to provide childcare. But are you sure they're not interested in you/the baby? That's completely separate question. They may not feel they can ask but wait to be invited as many people (see mumsnet!) Dont like in laws descending and live in fear of "being a burden." Etc

Invite them over for an afternoon or go visit them in their garden or meet up at a nationalntrust or soemthing. Its been a strange year hasn't it for having a baby.

My husbands brother has a little boy and they have him often and look after him... so I'm not sure it just feels like they aren't interested...

My husbands brother has a little boy and they have him often and look after him..

Did they do that when he was a newborn though?

But why look after him and look for childcare already at 3 months? Build the relationship first and spend time with them.

Once a month is tons!!!

but the fact that you’ve posted in Childcare Options indicates that you’re probably expecting it to be a regular thing, and I don’t think that’s very reasonable, sorry. They’ve raised their child(ren) - they’re under no obligation to help raise yours; it would be lovely if they wanted to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to commit to regular childcare if it’s not something they genuinely want to do. Not everyone enjoys babies/toddlers/children, or loves them but in very small doses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Posting in ‘Childcare Options’ is telling. They sound like they don’t want to be a childcare option for you which is perfectly reasonable.

Who are you in a childcare bubble with? I’m presuming your parents, so you shouldn’t actually be seeing the others anyway.

It sounds like you might be dismissing them already just because they aren't offering childcare. I know its strange when you've just ahd a baby but don't do this!

Neither of my children’s grandparents are interested in them. Don’t take them places, visit, babysit etc. I feel so sad for my children as I adored my grandma. Mine are older now but it hasn’t changed. It really is their loss

I find it a bit odd that you seem to only be asking them to look after the baby, not for you to all visit with the baby. If your parents come every week is there a reason you also need them to babysit once a month? Perhaps they’re reluctant because they haven’t spent much time with you AND the baby, and so don’t feel comfortable going it alone without you.