Grandparents don't seem interested

[clairejnelly]

My parents live over an hour away but are obsessed with my 3 month old.

My partners parents are 10 mins away but not that bothered.

I understand all grandparents are different. Recently I've suffered with post natal depression, insomnia and we have just moved house. We asked if they would sit with our daughter to give us some time out and we felt like we were putting on them... it didn't feel natural.

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

I can't help but feel upset, but at the same time I'm fully aware that we are all different...

How can I feel differently?

I totally understand you. I have 4 children and my parents who were great to me as a child have no interest in seeing my children.
I used to get very upset and feel abandoned but I came to realise that it was their choice to opt out and I must respect that. I remember asking my mum why and she just said she had done her time and she would like to see them once a year lol.
We fell out for 9 months and then she cried she would like to be a better grandma so I was fine with that but it never materialised so I just respected how she had brought me up and gave me a nice life as a child. We talk politely one a month by phone but that's it. I had to accept that I had been very unlucky in this respect. I have just got on with my life and my children are beautiful and well rounded I have let go of what I can't control and moved on. I have two sisters with children who are in constant upset due to the situation and argue over any time my mum gives to either of their children.
I'm so sorry you are suffering this too as I wouldn't want it for any other women

Also in the days they were off you did go round to them to see them?!

I would just keep inviting them over/go to visit and meet up at the park etc in hood weather. Once a week would be a lot for most people.

Exh's mum showed very little interest, his stepdad wouldn't even come downstairs when we visited! (We lived in a different country so wasn't often). My parents couldn't do enough to help despite both working full time

My DS is 7 and my parents have never once offered to look after him although they are very friendly when we visit. I have never had ‘help’ or babysitting from them though. I have come to terms with it.

I am a “step” grandma and I am amazed that baby’s “real” grandma who lives 60 miles away has not tried to see him even though he was born in the break in lockdown and she can now travel. My stepson’s brother lives 5 hours a way and she went to meet his daughter in the first few weeks. I feel for my stepson who is so proud of his son . But it’s her loss as he is a lovely baby .

You are not meant to mix childcare bubbles though are you. So if PIL have the nephew they can't have childcare bubble with OP

@Howshouldibehave

but the fact that you’ve posted in Childcare Options indicates that you’re probably expecting it to be a regular thing, and I don’t think that’s very reasonable, sorry. They’ve raised their child(ren) - they’re under no obligation to help raise yours; it would be lovely if they wanted to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to commit to regular childcare if it’s not something they genuinely want to do. Not everyone enjoys babies/toddlers/children, or loves them but in very small doses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Posting in ‘Childcare Options’ is telling. They sound like they don’t want to be a childcare option for you which is perfectly reasonable.

Who are you in a childcare bubble with? I’m presuming your parents, so you shouldn’t actually be seeing the others anyway.

You are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble. Once a month tons? Don't think so in my personal opinion.

@SavingsQuestions

But why look after him and look for childcare already at 3 months? Build the relationship first and spend time with them.

Once a month is tons!!!

I'm not looking for childcare, I'm looking for support as a mother with a newborn baby who has found the first three months very hard and have been extremely low.

@SavingsQuestions

Also in the days they were off you did go round to them to see them?!

I would just keep inviting them over/go to visit and meet up at the park etc in hood weather. Once a week would be a lot for most people.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off.

I'm not looking for childcare

Perhaps post in Relationships then, not Childcare Options.

Yes, you are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble but it sounds like your in laws don’t want to provide childcare, which is fine!

Why don’t you just focus on spending time with the in laws regularly (once a fortnight maybe?) now the weather is starting to improve and let them get to know the baby.

@ineedaholidaynow

You are not meant to mix childcare bubbles though are you. So if PIL have the nephew they can't have childcare bubble with OP

They are not in a childcare bubble with them. Let's not go off track anyways, that's a separate conversation.

@Howshouldibehave

I'm not looking for childcare

Perhaps post in Relationships then, not Childcare Options.

Yes, you are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble but it sounds like your in laws don’t want to provide childcare, which is fine!

Why don’t you just focus on spending time with the in laws regularly (once a fortnight maybe?) now the weather is starting to improve and let them get to know the baby.

Yes we already spend time with them initiated by myself and my husband - who is also upset. Apologies for not posting in the correct place, I couldn't find a category for what I was looking for... I'm new to Mumsnet.

Neither of my parents have ever looked after my son and neither have his paternal grandparents. All live localish Due to second marriages you could say he has grandparents in total . 2 buy him gifts and see him a few times a year 3 have never met him. But we both come from very large families where kids just aren’t that special . It’s nice that no one bothers us or interferes . It’s common in many cultures for granny to move in and provide round the clock back up childcare. It’d be enough to put me off having children I think.

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off

So you’re objecting to the fact that she was off for a week and didn’t ask to see the baby, yet they DID see the baby twice so wouldn’t need to ask?

@louisejxxx

I find it a bit odd that you seem to only be asking them to look after the baby, not for you to all visit with the baby. If your parents come every week is there a reason you also need them to babysit once a month? Perhaps they’re reluctant because they haven’t spent much time with you AND the baby, and so don’t feel comfortable going it alone without you.

We don't ask them to be childcare we visit them weekly. We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.

My DM has always been absolutely amazing and looked after DD 1 day a week + any emergencies since I went back to work when she was 9 months old. However no way would she have been having a 3 month old once a month and understandably so. I think most people don't like to look after very tiny babies, it's difficult and stressful! Also how old are your PILs? As my DM is only in her 50s. I know people who complain about in law's not doing childcare when those in laws are in their 70s which is a totally different ball game after all! I get tired looking after DD nevermind if I was in my 70s or something. I do think though that nobody should have kids expecting regular childcare from anyone else, it's your child and childcare is your responsibility. I never asked my DM to provide regular childcare, she offered, there is no way I would have asked her if she hadn't.

Everyone seems very grumpy this morning!

I agree with you OP that it would be nice if they showed a bit more interest and initiated meeting up.

Whether they want to look after the baby on their own is a different matter, but they should make an effort to see you as a family.

As we are still restricted on seeing people, how are you seeing both your parents and your inlaws @clairejnelly

They've only had 12 weeks or so to be 'disinterested'. Give them a chance, it's all a bit new.

@Howshouldibehave

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off

So you’re objecting to the fact that she was off for a week and didn’t ask to see the baby, yet they DID see the baby twice so wouldn’t need to ask?

Yes feels like unless we make an effort, they don't. I'm not sure about your upbringing but my family are all super close and all help each other out... I appreciate everyone is different but I'm only human and this is alien to me... to not be involved or for them to initiate seeing the baby or offering support for us?

We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.

Oh right-from your first post you wanted them to sit with the baby to give you a break-that sounded like childcare to me. What exactly do you want them to do?

@Howshouldibehave

We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.

Oh right-from your first post you wanted them to sit with the baby to give you a break-that sounded like childcare to me. What exactly do you want them to do?

And then followed up by saying that she was thinking of asking them to look after the baby once a month. It kind of does sound like you want childcare from them - which isn't a given, many grandparents don't want to do childcare especially for very young babies, they may feel differently when the child is older.

@ineedaholidaynow

As we are still restricted on seeing people, how are you seeing both your parents and your inlaws *@clairejnelly*

Covid tests

Ds2 is 10 months old. Ds1 is 5. They get looked after ad hoc by mil, but nothing even as regular as once a month. Tbf we've never left ds2 with her yet as we've not been anywhere due to covid.

Agree with others that a regular monthly agreement can seem like a lot.

@clairejnelly COVID tests don’t change the rules.