Sour end

[Jazsullfan1]

Hi all.

So an incident took place this week and my childminder didn’t disclose it to me. When I picked my Son up he disclosed his events of what happen he was not upset and I didn’t think much of it. We were on our way home and I didn’t know what to say and at the time I didn’t think it was a big deal. The childminder I was was due to be finishing work in the next 5 weeks anyway. It’s a newish arrangement around 7 weeks she has been working for me.

I run the situation by some friends and they were disgusted by what went on.

So the incident was that CM broke down just as she left my house. The CM allegedly banged on the steering wheel and said “I’m going to get a flaming ticket”. DS then went on to ask if “they were going to walk to school” I assume this annoyed the CM at that moment in time and she told DS to “shut up”.

Personally I don’t think it’s the end of the world because nobody is perfect but i txted the CM and to cut a LONG story short she denied saying shut up and she did admit to getting a ticket... she down played the situation and she said it was only 5 mins! (Which I believe to be true that the breakdown wasn’t long)

I’m annoyed with how she’s been so unprofessional and really rude when I challenged her on this and she’s turned it round on me saying she no longer feels comfortable to come to my house (she usually starts from 7pm sleeps overnight) and local school run in the morn.

Am I missing something here? Should the CM of disclosed the issue rather waiting for DS to come back and say who is 6.

@yourestandingonmyneck you have made some valid points. Saying shut up is not a crime however when there’s a situation where it’s “he said she said”. Also was a ticket a big worry within the space of 5 mins come on!
I diffused the situation and just said if there’s any issues she can always call me on a morning it’s not a problem. I was not going to sack her over the issue because that is unfair and for all those saying or implying I did do that. I didn’t the CM got on the defence and the situation escalated from there.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I wouldn’t say either to a boss.

But it’s all in the Intonation.

And neither are worth losing sleep over.

I don’t agree. As a CM you expect well behaved kids if DS was saying shut up to her I suspect people would be saying her child is unruly and has no manners. Double standards.

@Allgirlskidsanddogs

I think you need to grow up OP. She broke down and didn’t cope well but at no time was your child in danger. She was stressed and over reacted, it happens, particularly this year.

It was 5mins. not 1 hour.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

I do wish people wouldn’t use childminder (and post in the childminder section) when they mean nanny. It’s very damaging to the CM name as people who don’t know the difference will always assume it’s childminders who are flaky and irresponsible and be put off from using them.

This.

I suspect if the nanny/CM was happy to leave immediately that you have been a nightmare over other issues too rather than this one minor inconsequential incident.

@JauntyMcGinty

I don't hear people criticising you for leaving your child overnight with a CM/nanny. You sound like a very caring mum. It does seem like you're not massively open to anyone else's point of view so not sure why you posted?

I have already admitted in my post that I get she was stressed and it’s understandable. However from your post you asked me if I took my child’s word I said yes I did. You then went on to ask me about leaving him overnight....... many parents leave there kids in some form of childcare. I’m not sure what your getting at tbh.

The point you have missed is not the “shut up” it’s the principle of the situation I didn’t sack the nanny she just wasn’t happy that I didn’t take her word over DS. Also I don’t want a situation of lying going on.

Telling your OWN kids to shut up is your own business. However I wouldn’t go around telling other people’s kids to shut up. I’m not sure how that’s comparable. Huge difference

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I remain supremely happy that people like you don’t figure in my life.

Next.

Have you got nothing better to do? You don’t have to keep commenting. You have made your point.

How childish “at least she didn’t say F you” really. Win win.

How clever are you to come to that conclusion 🤔

You're not reading what I've said properly.

I don't think shut up is acceptable, especially from a childminder or nanny. No way.

I did not question your decision or need to have overnight care at all.

You're missing my point. My point is you don't know who said what... both were stressed... one is your child and of course trusting your own child is the right default position. I agree shut up is completely unacceptable but you seem to be more upset about how the CM reacted to you questioning the situation. We can't comment on whether she was unreasonable but we don't know how you approached it with her

@JauntyMcGinty no I have read your post. Your missing my point. I know my Son he’s no angel. I can imagine it was very annoying someone asking “are we walking to school” in the mist of things.

My point is it sounds fitting so based on DS saying he did ask the nanny that I do believe she said that and I think by her reaction there’s maybe more to it perhaps. I agree with you I have no proof of who said what.

Ok, this is pointless. As i said, you seem extremely reluctant to see anything from anywhere other than your original point of view so again I ask what was the point of posting? It makes me think your childminder/nanny was defensive for good reason.

@JauntyMcGinty

Ok, this is pointless. As i said, you seem extremely reluctant to see anything from anywhere other than your original point of view so again I ask what was the point of posting? It makes me think your childminder/nanny was defensive for good reason.

I’ve looked from my nanny’s point of view. Also I have agreed with you. What do you want me to say to you?

That there's a possibility your nanny did nothing wrong and your approach to her was what caused her to be defensive? Copy and paste your text and then we'll know

@Whynotnowbaby

So you’re suggesting her saying “shut up” makes you feel she is abusive. I’m sorry, I know there may be people on mn who have never once told their child to shut up but I’m not one of them. When you have the sort of close and constant relationship that you have with your own children (and indeed with someone else’s if you’re in a position where you are doing all the morning routine and getting to school on time chaos) you do not have the cool, disinterested service provider to client relationship where the idea of saying shut up would be laughable and highly inappropriate. The vast majority of people have told someone they love and care for more than anyone else to shut up in the heat of the moment during a stressful situation. It is not a big deal - unless it happens regularly or there are other things going on.

Some may disagree with me I know, but to me this is not a red flag.

Don’t twist my words. The nanny is not abusive.

But you can’t spot an abuser can you clever cloggs (other wise it wouldn’t be so common)

Absolutely not that’s not what I’m saying. I think people are too hung up on the words “shut up” it’s not a crime! I personally wouldn’t say it to other people’s kids. If someone said it to their own kids I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

It’s exactly what the other poster said. I don’t know the nanny on that level neither does DS that’s the difference I have known her 7 weeks.

A childminder is an Ofsted registered childcare provider who provides childcare in their own home/setting.
Sorry couldn’t resist, but you keep chopping and changing between CM and nanny.

Sounds like there is a bit of a clash of personalities - but, I’m surprised the nanny didn’t let you know about the incident with the car breaking down seeing as your son was there at the time.

@SeasonFinale

I suspect if the nanny/CM was happy to leave immediately that you have been a nightmare over other issues too rather than this one minor inconsequential incident.

I suspect this too.

Children lie all the time.

My child used to tell lies, some of which I knew weren’t true because I’d been there when things happened.

If she says it didn’t happen, that might be true. How old is your child?

It sounds like you had made your mind up that it was gospel and practically accused her of it. When she felt attacked because of the way you approached it, she gave you short thrift. Completely understandable because a nanny needs to have the trust of parents she works with and the space and respect to explain any awkward moments like this.

She said she didn’t say it. She said she didn’t shout and she was firm. She then went on to say DS took his seat belt off and got out of the car (the car was still). I think DS generally isn’t a liar however what I do find is kids tell “their” version of events (miss parts out).

DS never said the nanny shouted at any point and neither did I.

Nanny said DS safety was her highest priority. Rightly so I just feel of this went on which I asked DS this eve as he had been out all weekend. DS admitted he did take his seat belt off and he said he did get out of the car when the nanny got out of the car.

My DS is almost 6.

He’s been out all weekend? How old is he again?

@Schummakker

It sounds like you had made your mind up that it was gospel and practically accused her of it. When she felt attacked because of the way you approached it, she gave you short thrift. Completely understandable because a nanny needs to have the trust of parents she works with and the space and respect to explain any awkward moments like this.

If an incident has taken place concerning safety (rightly so) it is for the nanny to flag to me as the parent.

@DesdemonaDryEyes

He’s been out all weekend? How old is he again?

He has been with his dad?

But I think this is the first time you have mentioned getting out of the car. Of course if it's a safety issue then she should have told you. And if you have the tiniest bit of doubt your child is safe, you take any measure to address that. But this thread has only been about "shut up" until now.

Your right I didn’t put it in the OP. I like her as a nanny I don’t have a list of complaints.

To some extent I’m biased because he’s my child. Communication was perhaps poor on my part I should of called her straight away and not asked via txt. I did try and be reasonable DS seems to admit his wrong doing and in my heart I think the nanny has perhaps been slightly unfair to DS with him being a child and failed to just admit we can all get flustered and stressed it’s not a crime.
I had to clarify with DS this evening when he returned home I sat and asked him what actually happened. He’s not misheard and he’s not forgotten. Obviously him been a child he’s deliberately chosen to leave the part out...

We all seek to have our children looked after by someone who will treat them well and if there are signs that that is not the case, we have to act, but the use of the word "flaming" and saying "shut up" instead of "please be quiet" are not crimes of the century, even if we are to believe the only witness present.