Sour end

[Jazsullfan1]

Hi all.

So an incident took place this week and my childminder didn’t disclose it to me. When I picked my Son up he disclosed his events of what happen he was not upset and I didn’t think much of it. We were on our way home and I didn’t know what to say and at the time I didn’t think it was a big deal. The childminder I was was due to be finishing work in the next 5 weeks anyway. It’s a newish arrangement around 7 weeks she has been working for me.

I run the situation by some friends and they were disgusted by what went on.

So the incident was that CM broke down just as she left my house. The CM allegedly banged on the steering wheel and said “I’m going to get a flaming ticket”. DS then went on to ask if “they were going to walk to school” I assume this annoyed the CM at that moment in time and she told DS to “shut up”.

Personally I don’t think it’s the end of the world because nobody is perfect but i txted the CM and to cut a LONG story short she denied saying shut up and she did admit to getting a ticket... she down played the situation and she said it was only 5 mins! (Which I believe to be true that the breakdown wasn’t long)

I’m annoyed with how she’s been so unprofessional and really rude when I challenged her on this and she’s turned it round on me saying she no longer feels comfortable to come to my house (she usually starts from 7pm sleeps overnight) and local school run in the morn.

Am I missing something here? Should the CM of disclosed the issue rather waiting for DS to come back and say who is 6.

I think you need to grow up OP. She broke down and didn’t cope well but at no time was your child in danger. She was stressed and over reacted, it happens, particularly this year.

Just admit you don't need her anymore & this was an easy out.

Her car broke down (not really as it started again) she was worried about getting a flaming ticket, but didn't. Total non event, why on Earth did you need her to tell you?

She is - as you say - practically a stranger, and you are worried about a tiny stressed out moment, yet you have been leaving your child with her overnight?

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Just admit you don't need her anymore & this was an easy out.

Her car broke down (not really as it started again) she was worried about getting a flaming ticket, but didn't. Total non event, why on Earth did you need her to tell you?

Have you read the thread? No parent is going to pay a CM for a night role plus a play scheme for the day. This was never a long term contract.

I think you’ve done the right thing. I’ve not told my children to shut up, I’ve definitely told them to be quiet though. But shut up - no. So I wouldn’t expect a childminder to say it either.

I'm not saying your child is a liar, and of course any mum should listen to their child. I'm saying her reaction and his reaction and memories may have been impacted by the stressful situation. He may actually believe she said it because she was short with him and it's bigger in his head. You'll never know, which is why I'd bank this incident and keep my eyes open

@lockeddownandcrazy

She is - as you say - practically a stranger, and you are worried about a tiny stressed out moment, yet you have been leaving your child with her overnight?

Aren’t all CM strangers at one point? How is a rapport built? If you don’t know someone? Weather I left my child in the day or night does it make much difference

@justanotherneighinparadise

I think you’ve done the right thing. I’ve not told my children to shut up, I’ve definitely told them to be quiet though. But shut up - no. So I wouldn’t expect a childminder to say it either.

Give it time...

I do wish people wouldn’t use childminder (and post in the childminder section) when they mean nanny. It’s very damaging to the CM name as people who don’t know the difference will always assume it’s childminders who are flaky and irresponsible and be put off from using them.

Be quiet.

Shut up.

What’s the difference?

Some people on here MN!! Do I really have to spell all the small details out? If someone is using a night childminder there’s a bigger picture. Perhaps I was in desperate need (I was). I had been going through a shitty time. I obviously did all the proper checks and she is Ofsted CM/Nanny before anybody gets on my case.....

However just to make this clear I’m just generally speaking people abuse people and it’s usually family members and people close to you..... let that sink in.

Nobody actually knows my circumstances to be saying “you left your child overnight” yes I did! The same way many mums do during the day or a nursery run. What’s your point?

@JayAlfredPrufrock

Be quiet.

Shut up.

What’s the difference?

Ok go and say that to your boss and let me know how you get on

This may have always been a short term arrangement but I don’t think you would be so ready to drop her over a non-incident if you had needed someone for longer, that’s why a few of us have suggested you are happy to have a reason to let her go.

Why are you still referring to her as a childminder when you have said she is a nanny

I tell my children to shut up/ be quiet/ pipe down/ keep their thoughts to themselves on a regular basis. Mostly in jest but sometimes I need them to be quiet.

@Whynotnowbaby I never sacked her. The CM said about cutting immediate contact not me. I did try to diffuse the situation. Believe me a night nanny is not easy to find, I work unsociable hours I definitely didn’t get rid of her. I’m with you it would be silly and unfair to her because I wasn’t there to see what went on.

Any time.

I don't hear people criticising you for leaving your child overnight with a CM/nanny. You sound like a very caring mum. It does seem like you're not massively open to anyone else's point of view so not sure why you posted?

I think ppl are just getting caught up in the night thing because it's unusual. Particularly for a CM, it does sound more like something a nanny would do.

But ok, as you say, it's irrelevant. So you work nights, so you have a CM/nanny stay in your home overnight with your 6 year old then take him to school in the morning?

As regards the brreak down / flaming ticket, I would not have a problem. The "shut up", I probably would not tolerate. Pretty certain I wouldn't, actually. However, as a PP said, you can't be sure she said this (not that your son lied, maybe just misremembered).

I would either have casually mentioned it or just kept a close eye. You said you mentioned it and didn't like her response. I guess that's it then. As a PP said, it would have been good to have kept on good terms in case of any future emergencies etc, but possibly too late now. Could you speak to her and just say "look, things get lost in translation over text messages. Could we start that conversation again?"

If you want to micro manage how your child is spoken to I suggest you don’t employ help.

Hope they helps.

@pastabest

Why are you still referring to her as a childminder when you have said she is a nanny

I tell my children to shut up/ be quiet/ pipe down/ keep their thoughts to themselves on a regular basis. Mostly in jest but sometimes I need them to be quiet.

Yes and most people won’t judge you. I wouldn’t. However they are YOUR children! General rule you can parent how you please to an extent.

Would you speak to your nephew/niece or other people’s kids in that manner? Also it’s the fact of lying is going on..

There is a huge difference between shut up and be quiet. And it would be worse coming from a child minder /nanny than a parent.

So you’re suggesting her saying “shut up” makes you feel she is abusive. I’m sorry, I know there may be people on mn who have never once told their child to shut up but I’m not one of them. When you have the sort of close and constant relationship that you have with your own children (and indeed with someone else’s if you’re in a position where you are doing all the morning routine and getting to school on time chaos) you do not have the cool, disinterested service provider to client relationship where the idea of saying shut up would be laughable and highly inappropriate. The vast majority of people have told someone they love and care for more than anyone else to shut up in the heat of the moment during a stressful situation. It is not a big deal - unless it happens regularly or there are other things going on.

Some may disagree with me I know, but to me this is not a red flag.

@Whynotnowbaby but she had only been using the nanny for 7 weeks. Her son doesn't have a close and constant relationship with her.
I have told my kids to shut up. I wouldn't be happy with a childminder doing it.

I would be very unhappy with my child being told to “shut up” and I think most of us would. (I don’t mean a semi humorous/affectionate ‘ah, shut up!’ a teacher might jokingly use with older students.)

I’m not precious but that isn’t on at all IMO.

I wouldn’t say either to a boss.

But it’s all in the Intonation.

And neither are worth losing sleep over.