Boyfriends ex won’t allow him to have his son stay at my flat.

[Rose9292]

Can anybody please help me. Is there a law that states anywhere that my boyfriend must be on my tenancy with me to be able to be granted to have his son stay overnight at my flat once a week (would be a weekend night) I have a six year old little girl and my boyfriends ex will not allow him to stay using the reason that he doesn’t rent the property with me, but stays with me on the weekends. I really need to find some light on this or who to contact moving forward as it is making life very difficult as I’ve found out I am pregnant and we just want some family time together. Thank you

It might be that because your home isn't your partners fixed home, she doesn't want her son staying all over the place, but wants a bit of stability for him.

Once your partner is on your tenancy, she knows that your home will be a stable, permanent place and her son wont be moved around from pillar to post. Security is very important for little ones, so perhaps she ins't the baddy people want her to be.

I wouldn't want my child spending a few days somewhere, getting familiar with it, and then it all falling apart which means he has to adjust to a new place.

We’ve been together for almost two years, are engaged together too. I have a great bond with his little boy, same with my daughter and him. He always asks to see us when we are not together. X

It’s not going to fall apart, we have a great relationship altogether. Just want him to be able to stay for sleepover that’s all x

Getting back to the money side of it - does he pay his way?

So this man doesn't make any financial contribution to your household, lets his pregnant girlfriend sleep on a sofa bed in her own home while he has the bed, and takes his son to his girlfriend's flat whenever it's his contact time? And on top of all this, he's happy for you to take the potential fall if/when his regular overnight stays come to the attention of the UC people?

I think you really need to take a giant step back from this and re-assess your current position. The only person who is really benefiting here is your boyfriend.

@Rose9292 I understand that.

But this is her son, and she may feel (not sure, I am playing devils advocate here..) that you being pregnant and engaged, yet not living together (therefore easier for him - and you - to bail) may not be the most stable for her son.

You can't blame her for putting him first.

@ZenZebra Exactly!

I don't think op is in as good a place as she thinks, and I am not surprised the lad's mum is asking for more stability.

Op you are not in a strong position. You are paying for everything, you are the one who will face the consequences if you get found out by UC, not him. He has made no commitment to you, yet wants your "help" when he has his son and has his pregnant fiance sleep on a sofa bed!!

I get what you’re saying, but this is the same woman who is teaching her three year old that her new partner is her sons dad (even though my partner is around for him always has been) also threatens legal action to stop my partner seeing his son when she doesn’t get her own way about something. X

Are you really young op?? Stay for a sleepover?? I think you're going to get a massive slap of reality when this baby comes. You're going to be left doing all the legwork

I’ve been crying reading your messages- when my daughter is asleep tonight I’m going to bring this all up to him and see what he says. X

I’m 27. I say sleepover in the perspective for the kids to be excited about - that’s now how I speak in general. I’ve raised my 6 year old daughter alone so I think it’s a bit unfair to say I’m going to be in for a shock when my baby comes.

*not. I was only looking for some advice and help in the right direction of what to do in this situation not to be picked up on what I’m doing wrong x

Rose9292,

Of course you didn't expect this, but it would be wrong for us to let you carry on with your eyes closed, and not flag this as potentially problematic.

My mind would be going to why his ex is the way she is, why would she want to "replace" her ex? Why would she want more stability for her son? Surely you can understand her stance on that, at least!

Not many women use their kids against their exes (some yes, and this could genuinely be her) for no reason.

You dont need to put him on the tenancy.

What you do need to do is ask him to make a choice. Move in with you, or stop the sleepovers.

What you are doing is benefit fraud, and you can be prosectuted. My good friemd has a criminal record due to this, so Im sorry if it sounds harsh but she went through absolute hell over 2/3 sleepovers a week and got a suspended sentance, for less than you are doing.

If he chooses to live with you then inform UC, if not you need to put yourself and your DC first. Good luck with your pregnancy!

I honestly have no idea. She shouts and screams down the phone at my ex when he said this to her about the dad issue and threatened with her solicitor. X

Thank you :) and thank you for the heads up. I’m not going further until this is sorted I didn’t realise the severity. X

You’re right, I just don’t want to be left alone so much during this pregnancy. I went through an awful time being left my first time around. I’m just worried when baby is born what will happen. I’m so panicked

But the problem is not primarily your DO’s issues with his ex. It is that you are a single Mum, pregnant again and not able to support yourselves unless you are on UC OR your DP moves in with you and picks up the financial responsibility. If you want to be less alone, he needs to move in, and pay his way.

Please don’t judge me for being on UC. I hate being on benefits. I’m only able to work part time. I have no family around me and just was looking for a little advice. I’m definitely going to get him on the tenancy. Thank you for all of your help x

OP, if you had come on here and asked 'am I being unreasonable to say no to my child staying at ex's pregnant partner's house,' you would be told to mind your own business. Ignore the condescending replies, they just do it for the sake of it. You've had some good advice too, fortunately. Good luck with everything.

Is the contact court ordered? If not, it needs to be.

Thank you borntohula. You’re right. I have had some good advice I’m taking away from this x

No it’s not.. do you mean for my partner to see his son?

Rose, honestly I am not judging you for being on UC, it is there to support people like you, working as you can to support your kids.

But I wonder why your DP is not supporting you, living with you to be a family, to support you during your pregnancy.

Being a father has responsibilities. His circumstances will be taken into account, you shouldn’t be left unable to manage.

It sounds like he needs to make up his mind if he wants to commit to you and combine households or not.

@Rose9292

No it’s not.. do you mean for my partner to see his son?

Yes. Your partner really needs to get it legally binding. That way his ex can’t dictate where their son stays, it will also lessen her threatening him with legal action herself. I assume dad’s on the birth certificate and pays proper regular maintenance? (Not that maintenance is linked to contact though)