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Original poster

Boyfriends ex won’t allow him to have his son stay at my flat.

98 replies

Rose9292 · 05/09/2020 23:40

Can anybody please help me. Is there a law that states anywhere that my boyfriend must be on my tenancy with me to be able to be granted to have his son stay overnight at my flat once a week (would be a weekend night) I have a six year old little girl and my boyfriends ex will not allow him to stay using the reason that he doesn’t rent the property with me, but stays with me on the weekends. I really need to find some light on this or who to contact moving forward as it is making life very difficult as I’ve found out I am pregnant and we just want some family time together. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:25

Thank you. It’s got to be done like you’ve all said. Can he be added straight away, or when the tenancy is up for renewal does anybody know?

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 06/09/2020 08:28

@Edinburghfalls

She has no legal right to approve or decline where he stays when with his father. Though of course she might not approve. I was told they’d have a legal right to the address. I’m not sure if that’s true but it seems only reasonable they have the address in case of emergencies.
Only if they go to Court and there is not a good reason not to give it.

Lots of dads refuse to give the address of their new partner over as it isn't an address they live at and by the time it goes through Court because the ex has claimed he is harassing her, he never has to. This is because if there are children or other vulnerable people not related to her in your household then they shouldn't be drawn into their dispute.

I would suggest OP that if your partner wants to bring his child over he doesn't do it every single time he has the child. That way it is clear your partner is not living at yours. Then if his ex asks for your address he simply doesn't reply.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2020 08:28

It's more important that he goes on your benefit claim than your tenancy. What kind of tenancy is it?

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:31

I’ve tried to be civil and thought giving her the address would show I’m trying rather than not. I’ve tried speaking to her on the phone and she is so blunt and rude I get nowhere and with my partner she just threatens solicitors for anything. Thank you for your reply x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:31

Private landlord but with help from UC for housing costs as I only work part time x

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2020 08:33

Don't talk to her on the phone. Leave it to your partner to deal with her.
You can contact the landlord to ask for him to be added but I honestly wouldn't. Your home is your security and by adding him to your tenancy you'll be putting that at risk if the relationship goes south.
The tenancy is a red herring for the ex. Declare to UC that you're living together and tell your partner to make a mediation appointment.

RandomMess · 06/09/2020 08:33

I doubt his ex will change when he is on the tenancy so your partner may as well go down the mediation and court route.

He doesn't need to be on the tenancy, what you do need to do is tell DWP/UC you are no longer a single parent and write to the landlord and ask for their permission for him to reside there with you.

RedRumTheHorse · 06/09/2020 08:34

@Rose9292

Thank you. It’s got to be done like you’ve all said. Can he be added straight away, or when the tenancy is up for renewal does anybody know?
If it's a private tenancy it would be easier when the tenancy is up for renewal.

However if he can afford to move in now, arrange your finances accordingly and immediately tell the benefits office he lives there.

She can then inform the benefits office if she wants but will get nowhere.

She has absolutely no legal right to see any paperwork as they are separate adult individuals, so he just needs to tell her he now lives with you.

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:36

Honestly thank you for all of your help, I was getting nowhere googling for hours and hours on what to do about this. She can be very spiteful and will stop my partner seeing his son if she doesn’t get her own way. I’ve told him he has equal rights and needs to stand his bloody ground a bit more x

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 06/09/2020 08:38

@Rose9292

I’ve tried to be civil and thought giving her the address would show I’m trying rather than not. I’ve tried speaking to her on the phone and she is so blunt and rude I get nowhere and with my partner she just threatens solicitors for anything. Thank you for your reply x
His relationship with her has absolutely nothing to do with you and you must stop talking to her immediately.

As you are pregnant you need to protect yourself and your children if she kicks off. This is likely due to her current behaviour.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2020 08:39

He needs to do it properly. He needs to look into mediation and potentially court if that doesn't work.

ALLIS0N · 06/09/2020 08:41

@Rose9292

She has the address, she’s just being difficult. My daughter and her son get on so well and it’s so frustrating. I just want to have a nice family weekend with a sleepover for the kids with no drama and enjoy this pregnancy x
In that case you need to do it legally and fund your nice family time yourselves rather than through your fraudulent benefits claim.

Your fiancé needs to step up and work more hours / do overtime / get a second job to support his two children.

You are the one who is taking all the risks here, while he gets his parents, you and the tax payer to support him. It’s you who will be charged with benefit fraud, not him.

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:46

Thank you, you’ve all definitely opened my eyes up to this x

OP posts:
Flynn999 · 06/09/2020 08:48

If you live in a flat with your 6 year old where is the 3 year old meant to sleep? Does he have a bed?

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:53

My daughter has her own bed, my partner would have our bed with his son and I’d go on the sofa bed x

OP posts:
Bunkumum · 06/09/2020 08:54

Just focus on your security and that of your daughter and unborn child. Don’t get involved with politics of your partner and his previous life. He’s a grown man. Leave him to sort out his ex and seeing his son. So often I read about the new partner sorting out contact and the ex. These men are adults. It’s their mess to sort. You worry about you.

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 08:59

You’re right, I just don’t want to be left alone so much during this pregnancy. I went through an awful time being left my first time around. I’m just worried when baby is born what will happen. I’m so panicked

OP posts:
Floralbean · 06/09/2020 09:06

You shouldn't be on the sofa bed in your own flat, please don't accept that. I understand you don't want to be alone etc, but my goodness please do not be a mug, even if just for the weekend. It sets a precedent that he (your partner) is the absolute priority in the household.

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 09:09

I never saw it that way, I just want an easy life with a family together. (I have no other family around me) x

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 06/09/2020 09:12

You won’t be “ left alone “ during your pregnancy - you have your 6 yo DD.

How did you think it would work, given that you conceive this baby while living apart and with only tentative plans to “ work towards “ living together ?

Did your partner ever live with the mother of his son? I see that the child is 3 and you have been together for 2 years, so they split up when he was just a baby .

How did your fiancé manage contact with his son before he met you?

When are you getting married ?

CodenameVillanelle · 06/09/2020 09:14

Going to be totally blunt here but you're not going to have an easy life. You've chosen to have a baby with a man with whom you don't officially live, who isn't financially supporting your household and who doesn't have proper contact arrangements in place for his child. I assume this wasn't a planned pregnancy and you want to make the best of it but your priority needs to be you and your two children. If your partner will set up and properly support you then fine but as PP says you're carrying ALL the risk here, you'd be the one taken to court for benefit fraud, and you're the one stressing about his contact time, giving up your bed and talking about putting him on your tenancy just so he can appease his ex.
You want a family that you don't (yet) have and you can't wish or 'nice' it into existence. I hope your partner is on the same page as you and if he is, then he needs to get on your benefits claim, financially support you as a family and possibly look to rent a bigger property when the lease is up. He needs to pursue contact formally himself without you being part of that. If he steps up, great. If not, protect yourself.

Floralbean · 06/09/2020 09:16

I never saw it that way, I just want an easy life with a family together. (I have no other family around me) x

But that's the problem, an easy life for you means making sacrifices for the sake of him. I've honestly never been with anyone who would be happy for me to sleep on a sofa bed in my own home, especially when pregnant. Is there a reason he cannot have contact with his son overnight elsewhere (also probably for the best so you don't end up doing loads of the work), and see you and your DD during the day; and then live with you during the week or something? How is this arrangement going to work when you also have a baby in a flat? Not expecting answers btw, but please do think about the above.

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 06/09/2020 09:17

You are having a baby and are already a single mum.
This relationship is not formal and he is not looking after you financially despite you being pregnant with his child.
Supporting his custody is the least of your concerns. Leave his name off the tenancy and continue on UC unless he actually steps up.
So many men live like this but it will be you who gets in trouble. You need to protect yourself and your children. Be very careful and stop having anything to do with the ex. You also dont want the 3 year old at yours as it reinforces the idea he lives there to an outsider.
You can only have nice family weekends when you are a family. He isn't offering that.
She knows this.

Original poster
Rose9292 · 06/09/2020 09:27

I appreciate all of your honesty, you’re right. I honestly never saw it this way and now I’m reading it from your outsiders point of view, it is so unfair on me. They did live together before. I’m definitely the one at risk, I am under so much stress because of this and it causes us to argue so much. I need to look after myself I just wish he would put his foot down over this. X

OP posts:
LovingLola · 06/09/2020 10:00

I cannot believe that he is happy to let you sleep on a sofa bed while he shares your bed with his child.
What way is money shared? Does he pay for bills and food?

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