Childminder and breastfeeding

[LowCarbHeaven]

My son is 9 months old and started with his childminder 3 days ago. He is a breastfed baby but I supplied expressed milk and sippy cup and lots of food as he is a good eater. On day one the childminder said he was settled but didn't take much milk from the sippy cup and wanted a bottle. I was reluctant to send a bottle as he had never had one but always used a sippy cup. Day two she said he was unsettled and when I picked him up she said she thinks I am going to have to stop breastfeeding as he is looking for a breast for comfort. She insisted on a bottle so I provided one for day three. Then day three she said he was settled for half the day but not the second half. She said that he isn't settling as he is looking for breast for comfort and the only way for this to work is if I stop breastfeeding immediately as he is upsetting the other mindees and her own children. She said normally people stop breastfeeding a month or two before putting there children to childminders. I have no idea where to go from here as I really don't want to stop breastfeeding but I have no more tools to provide the childminder to help. Any advice?

I wouldn’t trust this woman and wouldn’t want her telling me how to raise my child for the next however many years. Seriously, get different childcare you can trust. It’s worth the pain now.

definitely move db (excm) how dare she say "db is upsetting MY son & other dc!" I don't care what her reputation Is - the professional job of any child carer is (& I will say this again!!!) to work with the parents not to her blinking convenience. The only time you DON'T do this is if the parent is endangering the dc ie child protection & this isn't it - go to your health visitor - I bet she will say the same - & I don't like the "she is very forceful" bit. Crikey what else might she say & what if db has problems with teething will she say she cant cope or your doing it wrong?

Your child minder's attitude to your right to breastfeed is really disgusting. Yanbu, she is! Well done on breastfeeding for 9 months & never let anyone tell you that you can't or shouldn't.

"I am worried if i don't stop breastfeeding she will say it isn't working out and pull the care and then it would be a big mess as my son would have settled in with her for a week."

Please op you really must find someone else. It's only one week of your son's life & it really won't be a 'big mess' if you move sooner rather than later. Your childminder sounds extremely stubborn and set in her ways. It will be a mess if it gets to say 3 months in and she is still fighting her corner so to speak. I'd just move him to someone
who is happy to support your feeding choice ASAP, there must be an alternative surely.

She sounds like a bad childminder and a bit of a bully.

Your child is still settling in with her - it is completely normal for some children to be unsettled for a while in a new childcare environment - and instead of taking it in her stride and finding ways to bond with and comfort him, she is blaming it all on the breastfeeding. It's complete bullshit. And she has become so insistent that she is WAY overstepping the mark. You are the parent, you decide.

FWIW, I went back to work when my DS was 8 months old, and I breastfed him until he was 2. There were no issues whatsoever. He did have a bottle with DH and at nursery. And to begin with he would have a long breastfeed when I got back from work. His nursery workers still managed to bond with him and comfort him. They're childcare professionals, that's their job!

I would advise you to try the nursery, at least visit and see what you think. With some settling in sessions he might get on well there.

She’s a shit childminder! I’d be looking at nursery instead if no other available!

She would have put my back up with this line of thinking but I sympathise if CM’s are thin on the ground in your area.

I think you’re right and this is normal settling in - my dd took weeks and used to bawl like she’d been abandoned for years when I picked her up! I wouldn’t have much faith in a CM who was making comments like this in the first week - in all honesty I’d be questioning her experience with babies.

Don’t get drawn into any BF’ing conversations. If she starts down that line just say your working on things at home making sure he spends lots of time with his dad/grandparents etc. Quietly start looking at nurseries and keeping your ear to the ground for other CM’s.

I breastfed my child until they self weaned at three. They started at the childminder at 20 months. They didn't start drinking cows milk until over two, they just ate food (including yogurt and cheese) during the day and breastfed at home. Mine was older when they started, but I knew other parents who did the same from as young as 9 months.

I breastfed both mine until at least 18 months. The first went to a childminder at 6 months. He wouldn't take a bottle. He wouldn't drink from a cup and didn't eat much either. He was generally a pain for the childminder, but not once did she suggest that I stop breastfeeding. That is simply not her choice to make. Your body. Your child. Your family. Your decision. She sounds like a nightmare. Stand up to her, otherwise she will bully you about something else in the future.

Honestly she sounds awful!

A baby will cry when settling in a new setting. I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that she thinks that shouldn't happen in case it upsets her child. Honestly, OP that's straight up weird.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be happy if I was one of the other parents with the CM spending all her time settling your child. I’ve left both of mine with the CM, and DS went from 5 months.

However, he could self settle, good sleep routine etc. You can’t expect a CM to do one to one like you at home. They can’t cope with the needs of your baby- I’d pay extra for a nursery place and rethink at 18 months.

What about taking the breast milk away, while at cm, as he is eating well and drinking water? My two were more frustrated about the milk not being "on tap" and a reminder that mum want there.

My second was especially hard to settle at our cm, and we did this. She had a feed before and as soon as I got home from work.

Her attitude sounds very odd, especially as he has only been there for 3 days . Did he have any settling in hours? Also you are not just a pair of boobs, BFing is more about feeding and does offer comfort; but I would bet you do other things as well- distract with a toy, sing, play, cuddle etc when he is upset at least some of the time. Our childminder quite quickly learnt what settled DS, and of course a baby might be a bit disruptive at first, what does she expect? It takes time, the thing that would put me off most is the fact that she looks after her own child at the same time to be honest hah.

I don't expect her to spent all her time settling my child, it's been three days, some of which he has been great. With my older boy, if a new child started the setting I wouldn't mind that child having a bit more nurture time while settling in at all so I think it is a shame if that's some parents outlook.

He went today and he was the only one there so she said he was really settled with the 1-1 time and done well. I am not sure what to do however as I have lost some confidence in her judgement and skills. I am worried when he goes on Monday and has a unsettled period she will start again but I equally don't want to jump the gun. We do have one nursery that we liked but I prefer childminder setting. I used a childminder for my older boy for 5 years with no problems at all, she was great.

Forgot to add he had a 1.5 hour settling in session as that was her policy and he was fine for that.

She can probably take a militant attitude and charge more as there isn't much availability elsewhere. She may provide good care for your son generally but it's just bizarre to really push this issue. To me it screams 'convenience' for her - 3 children under 3, maybe she needs to consider how many she can manage well before insisting parents change anything

It’s a tricky one this.
I’m a childminder and a mom (who EBF) and when I have had children start my setting who have the breast as a main source of comfort, fed to sleep, and pretty much spent most of their time on their moms chest, it does make settling in much harder.
(No judgment there btw, my son is pretty much a barnacle)

However for her to suggest you go cold turkey and stop bf immediately is out of line. She can suggest you try leaving DS with other people to help him get used to other adults, or she could say, why not leave a pillow or scarf, or item of clothing that smells like you to help provide comfort. That’s helpful. But her response was rude and unnecessary, and dare I say it, unprofessional.

Settling in can take weeks, she doesn’t sound very patient. Could you suggest having a chat with her some point next week to discuss your concerns?

Yes there is my son who is 9 months, then a 1 year old girl and a 15 month old so I can imagine it is pretty hectic for her. My husband feels we should move to a nursery (as no cm with spaces avail) but I am more hesitant as I have used a childminder very successfully with my older boy and I prefer a smaller setting. This situation has caught me totally off guard and it is hard to know what to do for the best for my son. I just don't understand it as she has a very good reputation but my experience so far has been quite negative.

It is irrelevant you had a successful CM before as you certainly don't have that now. She's trying to take away something positive for you and your son to make her life easier and charging you a fortune for it!

I would definitely find a new place for him due to loss of confidence in her judgement and settling skills

My two ds’s breastfed and went to nursery, no problems. Of course they went through a settling in period and they all needed to learn (ds’s and the staff) strategies for settling.

If you truly have no other options, then I would lie and say that I had weaned him during the day and that he was only getting a morning and night feed now, and he was fine with that at home. So if he’s unsettled at the childminders then it must be something else!

I know, I think my biggest issue was that I was so relieved when I found her. She has a great reputation and I felt so comfortable with that decision. I had visited the limited nurseries in my area before and none stood out as being great so my biggest problem is if I was going to move him, where too.

I would be so horrified if anyone at my son’s nursery had suggested stopping breastfeeding. I agree that she has singled that out rather than focus on helping him to settle in other ways. It’s very weird. I’d also stick to your guns on the cup rather than the bottle if that’s what you’re happier with. Overall though, I wouldn’t be comfortable having a childminder who is unable to cope at such an early stage. All babies can’t be expected to just settle in immediately.

Posters keep going on about babies/toddlers who are so attached to BF as their only comfort, can't go to sleep any other way etc - have you read the OP's posts? That's not her situation at all. This isn't a child who is completely and totally reliant on the breast. It is just a child who is breastfed among other things. Therefore, it's only about a relevant as the child missing a cuddle from mum/dad - totally normal and unavoidable when settling in a childcare situation.

Hmm. Balls. All my kids were bf until 2.5y + at a time when mat leave was max 7m. We were in nanny shares and our nanny coped fine. Your CM is looking at the wrong problem. Did she bf herself?

Thank you BertieBotts. I gave a bottle to her as she said he was starving on day two, which again I think is her misreading his cues as he ate his food really well and had his milk which he has done with my husband several times without issue during the day when I have had meetings on Saturdays. This is certainly not his first days away from me so I know how he is with eating/drinking when I am not around. On days he has been more settled, she says he is really full as he ate well (same quantity of food as I provide it). Since providing the bottle she doesn't think he is hungry even though he is not taking anymore milk than the sippy cup, I actually regret giving the bottle now as I really think it is backwards as he is drinking from a cup well and I am annoyed at myself for giving in to the pressure. I really have to make a decision this weekend, I am off Monday so I have the ability to go back to a nursery about settling in, enrolling him since I have already visited them all previously. I am just hesitating as yesterday he said he was really settled and content and I was thinking maybe things will improve from here with the childminder. Of course, I am aware that he could go back to having periods of being unsettled and she could start again with things.
She told me she bf herself but some of the comments she makes seem unusual for someone who has bf. She said to me yesterday does he not keep biting you since he has quite a lot of teeth (no). Also when she was pushing me saying just get your dh to preserve with the bottle over the night to wean him off the breast, I said I wasn't wanting to do that and even if I did I couldn't possibly do that as I would end up with mastitis and she kept saying just express, that's what I did. It is a really awkward situation to be honest. I did not predict this at all!