Childminder and breastfeeding

[LowCarbHeaven]

My son is 9 months old and started with his childminder 3 days ago. He is a breastfed baby but I supplied expressed milk and sippy cup and lots of food as he is a good eater. On day one the childminder said he was settled but didn't take much milk from the sippy cup and wanted a bottle. I was reluctant to send a bottle as he had never had one but always used a sippy cup. Day two she said he was unsettled and when I picked him up she said she thinks I am going to have to stop breastfeeding as he is looking for a breast for comfort. She insisted on a bottle so I provided one for day three. Then day three she said he was settled for half the day but not the second half. She said that he isn't settling as he is looking for breast for comfort and the only way for this to work is if I stop breastfeeding immediately as he is upsetting the other mindees and her own children. She said normally people stop breastfeeding a month or two before putting there children to childminders. I have no idea where to go from here as I really don't want to stop breastfeeding but I have no more tools to provide the childminder to help. Any advice?

She sounds like a fool.

Although isn’t 9 months a separation anxiety peak? Being unsettled could be linked to this.

I would think after a short while baby will settle.

At around 7 months I replaced the 3pm bfeed with a bottle every day (formula), purely for selfish reasons, I wanted to wear fitted clothes and the flexibility to leave ds1 with my husband at weekends.

Don’t stop breast feeding, and don’t change anything until your son is settled in his new routine.

I am a childminder. Do not stop breastfeeding your child if you still want to. Yes he will take longer to settle if he is used to getting comfort from the breast. He will learn that he can get comfort from the bottle when mummy is not there and comfort from breast feeding when mummy is here.
It will take him longer to settle but he is getting better already only 3 days in. Sometimes it takes months, he may also need lots of cuddles for a bit.
He is eating well and may need to bring a little comfort toy to bring from home to make him feel more relaxed or a blanket . The newest child in the setting always needs more attention for a bit.
You just need to set up or go to activities to keep the other children occupied while this happening. X

Has she actually tried anything except giving him a bottle to help settle him in? It's only been three days tbh I'd be more surprised if he was completely settled all day already than that he's not!

I'd look for someone else. Many people continue to bf on demand and have their children in childcare (myself included!) and have them do just fine. With gentle support and distraction they soon work out that they don't get boobs at childcare they get cuddles/songs/back rubs or whatever instead

That's outrageous. Don't stop breastfeeding because of her. It won't change the fact that he's upset. She is wrong. She needs to build a relationship with him. It's literally her job. Don't take this from her and be firm. It's fine for a breastfed baby to seek comfort from their mother in that way. Be firm and say what you want. She is trying to bully you.

Agree with pp you do not need to stop BF. You are doing your best to help the transition already with comforter, song etc. I think you need to explicitly say to the childminder that you are not going to stop breastfeeding, therefore she will need to use alternative strategies. I.e. the song, toy whatever. Of course a new mindee will cause some disruption to her group but surely it is her job to manage this?! And it's only been 3 days!! I would start looking elsewhere personally just in case it doesn't work out with this childminder.

@SMaCM cross post same experience it took nearly 2 weeks of patience (from minded db as well as me) but it worked - I suspect your cm hasn't done much training or has never bf or is just in for the easy life - none of which is a good sign. Child carers should work in partnership with parents not the other way round - with very few exceptions

Thank you for the reassurance. I have been super anxious about leaving him like most parents and I have found it hellish with the he's not settling stuff as he is so new to the setting I feel it is really premature and almost pressured that he isn't settled already. She has a very good reputation, she is actually more expensive than most nurseries around here and I picked her as the only childminder with space who seemed good etc. However she is quite forceful with her opinions and I am feeling a bit emotional about it. She literally is pushing me to go 'cold turkey'. I told her that would upset him more and even if I wanted too I would probably end up with mastitis etc. She said just express to get rid of the excess (doesn't work like that) but then she said if it was her baby upset in childcare she would just bare it (like mastisis or exploding boobs etc) for her babies sake. I am worried if i don't stop breastfeeding she will say it isn't working out and pull the care and then it would be a big mess as my son would have settled in with her for a week.

I'm shit but I'd lie and say I'd stopped breastfeeding. How does she even know what he's 'looking for' anyway? So I'd say I'd quit and then either A) she moves onto something else and learns to try other techniques or B) he starts settling in anyway and it's not an issue. He just needs time to settle. If he's okay without the boob with your DH, then I doubt he's looking at the childminder for the boob either. She's just misinterpreting his unease at a new situation.

I think it sounds like a normal settling in period tbh.

The fact that he’s napping well and eating with her tell me he’s doing well, he’s only getting upset some of the time, probably as he is getting used to try new environment and change in routine and she’s taking these cues as he wants to breastfeed.

Clearly she should not have suggested stopping breastfed. It sounds like her knowledge and experience of babies who are still breastfeeding is limited and she doesn’t know what to do with him.

Is it his crying that she says is upsetting the others? You really need to have a good conversation with her to find out more information.

Ultimately you get a feel as to whether this person is the best fit for your child.

Yes she says he is crying as he is unsettled and then this is unsettling her own son who is 5 year old and the other 2 mindees who are under 3. I feel it is a normal settling in period aswell which is why I am finding it quite difficult because she won't accept that, she is adament it is because he is looking for breastmilk so it makes her quite hard to have a discussion with.

Of course hes going to be unsettled hes only been going for 3 days, its nothing to do with how he is fed hes just getting used to it and will be missing you. Don't stop feeding until you want to

Sounds like she has weird issues about breastfeeding! Not all childminders are like this

This.

Is look for someone else, she sounds a bit odd and not very child focussed or flexible.

I know and other issue is we have paid quite a substantial deposit to her which I probably wouldn't get back if I changed which would be quite tough on us. I am not sure how to move forward as we are at this weird position where she keeps saying I need to stop breastfeeding but I am not going too. I think he is doing really well as the first day he was quite settled, 2nd day was not very good but today settled up until 3pm so it feels quite rubbish when she is being so negative about him.

I'm going to get absolutely flamed for this, but perhaps it would be a good idea if you stopped breastfeeding at home for comfort. You could feed in the morning and then at night, even when you get home, but if you continually breastfeed for comfort then it may take him longer to settle. The childminder can't breastfeed your child and if he is screaming most of the day, it can be unsettling for the other children, and stressful for the childminder. You don't have to go cold turkey but perhaps more of a structured time frame for breastfeeding.
Why don't you want him to take a bottle of breastmilk?

I have had breastfed children in several nurseries. It has never been a problem.

Regardless of her reputation, she is blaming you and guilt tripping you. This isn’t right. You need to have mutual trust. FFS it’s hard enough using childcare for the first few times if it works brilliantly!

I honestly think you need to see whatever other alternatives you have, and absolutely shut her down on the breastfeeding thing. “that won’t be happening/That’s not an acceptable thing to say/etc”.

And I’m sorry, this must be so so hard.

But I will also say, it takes longer than a couple of days for most babies to settle somewhere new, so she is expecting a bit much.

I provided a bottle but I wasn't keen too because he is 9 months old and drinks from a cup so it is totally backwards to try to get him to learn to take a bottle. I assume that even if he is crying for comfort during the day, that is a settling in phase which will pass though. I think he is doing well, she just has higher expectations of him than I think he can manage at 9m.

If he regularly spends days with his dad and is comforted in other ways than breastfeeding, that's not the issue - he is probably just settling in and finding it all a bit new. How frustrating that she is insistent that is the only possible cause. Again it makes me think it's something of her own personal issue.

To be honest even if it was the issue and you did stop, it would take time to get him using other things for comfort anyway! By which time he might have settled whether you are still BF at home or not! And I definitely wouldn't stop feeding such a young child for that reason.

What kind of cup is it?

Surely if you leave because she forces you ( by insisting that you do something that is against your HV and medical advice ) then she needs to give you your deposit back ?

The breastfeeding is a red herring.
He is settling into a new environment she needs to help him settle. He isnt missing breastmilk he is getting used to a new carer, new stimulus from the other children, a new routine, a new environment.
She doesn't sound like a great childminder if a new mindee being unsettled is too much for her to manage.

Wow, very severe from the childminder! What is her (his) view on other things?

I have a relative who childminds from our home and has done for the last few years. All the kids take a while to settle, especially the babies. I couldn't dream they would ever ask a mother to stop breastfeeding. In fact one of the toddlers still is breastfed at 18 months. They just get lots of cuddles until they're feeling more settled and secure. She sounds ill equipped to be a childminder.

I think perhaps her manner has made her come across more harshly than perhaps it was meant - you might be paying her more than a nursery but we do have to prepare our children some how for new settings and if the only comfort he is able to stand is breastfeeding but he is now with a childminder then it does seem like you need to develop his other comfort strategies and even if that means reducing the breastfeeding?

Did you reduce to morning and evening only before going back to work to prepare him for the 8 hour daytime gap when you're working?

I agree, I think the breastfeeding thing is a red herring and it isn't really an issue. I think she is mistaking his cues that he is unsettled as it is a new environment etc for he wants to breastfeed as he has gone without bf for that length of time before with my husband without any major issue except a distraction here and there. Today she said that maybe I could take a couple of weeks to wean him off the breast. I think part of the issue is that I have lost a bit of confidence in her as it seems misguided to think that he would settle without issue almost immediately. He is there today for day 4 so I will see how that goes.