How do I approach my host mom about an issue as an au pair?

[Klaraagnete]

I realise this is very long, so if you can take a look at just one of the issues and help out it would be greatly appreciated!

Excuse any mistakes as English isn't my native language.

Background information:

I'm a 19 year old Scandinavian girl working in the UK as an au pair.
I work in a family of 5 with my main responsibility being the two youngest (5 and 11) and what was supposed to be small household duties around the house(dishes, sweeping, and laundry). Before coming over we signed a contract, and according to that I should work around 30 hours a week for the weekly pay of 100£.
We agreed on that as I am studying while working here, which I was very clear about before we even started negotiating details and such.
It's my first time being an au pair and the first time for them having an au pair.

I have 3 problems that I want to discuss with the host mom specifically as the father works abroad 5 days a week.

1. Workload

The family is absolutely lovely, and I truly enjoy living with them, but I felt from the beginning that the work amount was bigger than imagined. I figured that I probably just needed to get into a routine and that I would do it faster after a few weeks.
I've now been here 7 weeks and I still feel overwhelmed by the workload. So 2 weeks ago I started writing down the work I did each day and how long I actually worked, and it was far beyond the 30 hours we agreed on. The first week was 47 hours, and this week was 57 hours, as the mom had me babysitting 3 nights and go to an event at the school that she should have attended, but she didn't as she needed relaxing time and had left for an airbnb and the father lives in another country 5 days a week.

Nonetheless the first week is pretty accurate for the amount of work I do without any additional babysitting duties. And that is 17 hours more than the agreed on.

I'm having major troubles juggling the responsibilities, as I also have my studies that I'm supposed to spend around 25/35 hours a week on. I've tried to do the work quicker but the host mom said that I was doing a sloppy job and had to spend some more time on it.

The host mom is clearly stressed about working a full time job and being a single mom through the week, and I feel really terrible about not being able to help her as I really like her. While I would love to stay as I really love being in their family I'm not sure that the 30 hours I can offer is enough.

In case anyone is interested in how a normal day looks:

7:30-9:00 taking care of the youngest and getting him to school.
9:00-11:00 doing housework, tidying up and start several batches of laundry and fold the one I did the night before.
11:00-14:30 studying and lunch.
14:30-15:20 folding the laundry I washed earlier.
15:20-19:30 fetching the youngest from school and taking care of him and his sister when she gets home.
19:30-20:30 cleaning after dinner, tidying up around the house, sweeping.
20:30-22:00 studying.

1. Trust

The mom has come with lots of feedback for me, and I have listened to all of it and changed it which she has praised me for and said that if I have anything, critique or otherwise I should come to her.

Yesterday I came to her and said that I felt like I didn't get enough warning about changes to the schedule and what exactly I was supposed to be doing in such situations and that I would like to find a way for us to communicate in a way that she didn't have to explain several times and I wouldn't be confused and anxious. She got mad and raised her voice and said that she had explained it to me twice(i only recall her mentioning it in passing a few days before and then on the day itself, but I could be wrong) and said that she felt like she spend way too much time explaining things to me that I should be understanding by now. She later wrote me a text apologising for being short with me and that we would find a way on our journey together. I should probably have timed it better, but I still feel like it was a completely inappropriate response to me coming with a serious issue that I wanted to resolve, and that I should have been treated like an adult and not like a child being scolded.

1. Authority

She has assigned a lot of responsibilities to me that I have to do with her 11 year old, but I've had issues figuring out my place in our relation to each other. I tried talking to her about me having authority over the 11 year old as I right now feel like I dont have it and the girl often tells me that the way I'm doing something is wrong because her mom does it differently, and often call her parents to ask for permission to do something/let her brother do something after I said no.
She is 11 so I obviously expected her to do those things, but my problem is that the mom tells me that she knows the family better and probably knows the right way to do something.
I cannot balance the responsibilities without having the desicive power, it's a double bind and everytime the mom tells me to do something with the girl I feel anxious as I don't feel like I have any way to enforce those demands.
So I either need to have the responsibilities removed or have the mom tell the girl in no uncertain terms that when she is not at home then I am in charge.

I truly do want to stress that I really like this family, but I feel unsure of how to bring it up, especially after the host moms reaction when I bhought my other issue.

How do I approach the host mom and discuss this without making her feel attacked?

They may seem lovely but this woman is massively exploiting you. It sounds like they are using you as a full-time nanny/housekeeper rather than a part time au pair. I think you’re in quite a vulnerable position due to being in a new country and in the home of people who don’t seem to care for your wellbeing, but hopefully there are some steps you can take to try and sort the situation out.
Firstly, do you have a formal contract? I think you need to schedule a meeting with the mother and let her know that her expectations far exceed the number of hours specified and the level of pay.
Secondly, you say you are studying - are you at university? Do you have a personal tutor or a welfare team who you can talk to about this situation? Can you talk to a family member and get their perspective?
Ideally I think you should get out of this arrangement but I know it’s not easy. It sounds like any family would be lucky to have you, so maybe start looking for an alternative arrangement!
Wishing you lots of luck - p.s: your English is excellent.

I think you are being massively taken advantage of. £100 a week for that level of work does not sound correct. Sit down with the family and the written contract.
Good luck

You are totally being taken advantage of. If this placement isn't working for you, don't hesitate to find another. £100 a week is absurd for all you do.

As others said, you are being treated badly and you must not put up with it. It’s so easy to say and much harder deal with when it’s you having to do the talking but you need to make an appointment to speak to the mum. Tell her what you’ve said about liking it and wanting to make it work but reiterate that you have been clear from the start what hours you could work and this is too much. (Actually 30 hours is also too much especially for £100 in my opinion). Don’t be afraid to look for another post if she won’t move on this. You don’t owe her anything and if she needs a full time nanny and housekeeper, that is not you! Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Did you find work with this family through an agency? If so, they should help resolve the situation and, if that is not possible, help you find a more suitable position/family.

I agree with others that you are being massively taken advantage of. The mother may well be stressed with working while her husband is away, but that should not really impact you and your role. You are working far longer hours than you are being paid for.

The issue with the 11 year old is espwcially frustrating and the mother is totally undermining you... you are absolutely correct that you need to have proper authority over her when she is in your care, and if she calls her mum the mum should back you. If she disagrees, she should discuss it with you later.

You sound amazing and your English is excellent!! I'm based in SE Asia so we have a live-in nanny rather than an au pair and her hours are long (as is standard here) but I would LOVE for her to be proactive in talking to me if she felt she couldn't perform her role properly or that things weren't working well. Sadly that isn't the way it works here and it is totally normal to have nannies working crazy hours in terrible conditions, and definitely with no authority over the children (the way many children here talk to their nannies is dreadful!) There is little in the way of legal protection for them but I believe in the UK there are now proper standards for au pairs, including hours worked, pay, types of responsibilities (any housework or cooking should really relate only to the children, not to the adults/general running of the house), even the accommodation. So you are not alone.

If you don't have an agency, maybe CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) could help you? Google your nearest one and go along. I doubt they will know much or do much as au pairs will not be their area of expertise, but they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck!

This is why au pair situation is an exploitative one for parents who dont want to shell out for a nanny. You are working too much and the pay is ridiculous. I dont buy the bullshit people use to justify the low wages

1. Oh but you get room and board in a nice house in a nice country you can experience the culture and go sightseeing (How? When you are effectively a full time worker)
2. Oh but you get to practise your English (you'd be better of with a tutor or making friends or even getting a real job while you are in the country)

Tell her to piss off and find a better family, a real job or enrol full time in college/uni if finances allow. You are being taken advantage of and I doubt a reasonable conversation will set her straight. She seems like a CF who is happy to exploit and underlay a young person just so she can have childcare. She doesn't need an au pair, she needs a full time nanny but can't afford it and is making it your issue

Thank you so much for all the answers! I've been fretting quite a lot about the situation the last two weeks, and though I of course know that what is happening is not okay as it's against our contract, then hearing other people's opinion on the subject match my own is making me feel a lot better and less like I'm overreacting.
I've talked to my mom about it yesterday, and I have a scheduled call with a social worker in Denmark who can give me advice about the situation.
I didn't find the family through an agency as the father works abroad in Denmark, my home country, and we met there.
This week I wont be able to schedule any meeting as she has already said that she will be busy, but I'm going to ask for a meeting the next week when she gets home from her solo trip tomorrow afternoon.
I have a solo trip planned for myself next weekend as I feel completely run down after this week where I worked 57 hours, and spend 3 of the evenings feeling confused about what was going on, as I didn't feel like she had communicated the bed times very well, considering the 11 year old was allowed to go to bed later on the Thursday than on the Wednesday. While my English is what I consider good, then when tasks beyond the normal are given I need it to be delivered in a sit down conversation and not in an off minded manner while we're both doing different things, or written down.

Sorry for my long rant, I just feel very frustrated and a bit defensive about the whole not understanding part.

Nonetheless thank you so very much for all your thoughtful responses, and I'll write in here when I figure out some more!

OP not only is your English amazing but you sound very mature and wise beyond your years. The family is incredibly lucky to have you.

As others have said, you are being exploited. You are doing the right thing by logging what work you are doing. I would try to insist on a meeting with the mother in the next few days if possible rather than leave it for another week.

There are au pair agencies which can find you an alternative placement if you wish to leave.

Good luck.

I dont think its entirely uncommon for families to host an au pair and then treat them as you are being treated. I've seen some households on the past which are outright shocking. There is a
level of exploitation in relation to au pairs owing to the fact many have almost no English, are very young and wont complain. Obviously the families who treat people like this have absolutely no consciences but au pair is definitely taken by some to mean what you are describing.
My impression of an au pair is what you are expecting and if the family require more than an hour or two of light housework or laundry in total including cleaning the kitchen after kids meals the family need a good regular cleaner too.

Realistically, they are requiring a live in housekeeper who also does childcare.
In my area of London this will cost them about 450 per week.(comparatively you're a bargain!) You can now see why shes using youu the way she is!
I would imagine its contracted for you to for one night a week baby sitting? That would be normal?
I would not necessarily take that to mean all night unless stipulated in the contract. You should be asked to do extra babysitting and feel free to refuse. She can book a baby sitter or pay you extra if want it.

Overall I would look for another position. I'd consider looking through an a pair agency. I dont think your host has the first idea how to treat people or any conscience about it. Nannies and aupirs always love the family children but there are lots of children to love in the next job.

Good luck.

I used to be an au pair and I was certainly not doing anything like the amount of hours you are doing.
I went out to a language school every day too so I could only really fit in light housework (which me and the host mother used to do together).

The family is not lovely. They are lovely to you as long as you do exactly as you are told. Otherwise the mother shouts at you and 11 year old daughter undermines you.

The mother has made it clear you are at fault and she wants Cinderella in her home for £100 so I don’t think returning and just doing your hours will work. She will be horrible to you imo if you try to assert yourself.

Idk if this is possible. However, I would consider not returning after the weekend. If you were my 19 yo daughter, I would not want you to go back. What do your parents / family say?

Whatever you decide, be careful. As others have said, you are being massively exploited.

Laundry is ridiculous nowadays imv. Every piece of clothing is washed every day and sheets, towels once a week at least. Can it all go to the laundrette. It's either that or she pays a cleaner.
I can't see the DD getting easier to manage. What do you have to make her do ? I would leave her to her own devices and let the DM set her rules.
You could clean up after dinner after dinner. Or eat earlier.
She is seeing laundry etc as something you do whilst in the home not realising that you actually need free study time.
Babysitting is extra pay.
If this is her first au pair she might just need help to get a sensible set of demands. But might not take it well. So it might be easier to leave.

Also wondering what the work is with the 11 year old - when I was an au pair, one of my duties was helping with homework etc. and speaking/playing with the 3 kids in English (the family were European)

First of all - she should never be shouting at you. If if happens again, say "please don't shout at me" and walk away.

I give my au pair a weekly sheet on a Sunday morning which details what's happening during that week. If you PM me with your email, I'll send you a copy of my last week's one. You could ask her to do something like that and that would remove any confusion on either side.
I give her a copy and another one gets put on the fridge.

Most au pairs agree to 2 babysits on top of their hours, three is excessive and you should ask to be paid for the extra one. I personally would not ask an au pair to look after the children overnight, unless, they'd been there a while and I would pay extra.

As an au pair, you should not be doing her laundry or sheets at all. Your host mum should share the after dinner tidy up duties with you.
There is a list of tasks that are considered "light housework" on the British au pair agency website here.
bapaa.org.uk/au-pairs/what-is-an-au-pair/

Incidentally, some of the replies above are written by people with absolutely no knowledge or experience of hosting and au pair. If you decide to move on to another family, you want to advertise on au pair world. It's inexpensive and there are lots of families, which makes it easier to select one who you feel is most suitable for you and your other commitments.

Finally, yes, she needs to back you up with the daughter or you're never going to have any clout with her.

Hope today goes better and as I said, if you pm me, I'll send you a sheet (it's too long and outing to post on the thread).

I went to a talk on Modern Slavery recently and the subject of au pairs was covered. There is huge potential for young women to be exploited. You worry you're going to lose your home if you say anything or stand up for yourself. It's horrendous. There's a helpline you can call if you feel you need more support www.modernslaveryhelpline.org/

I honestly think you should look for another placement. We have had au pairs in the past. Hours were agreed up front and just involved minding the children and feeding them. No additional chores. Babysitting was always paid as the 30 hours were already used up during the week.

Totally exploitative. I have had au pairs and was in a similar position to your boss, au pairs worked 18-25 hours a week (I had other childcare organised, the au pair was sort of my ‘booster’, no housework beyond helping tidy kitchen and care of her own room, and one night babysitting. In reality there was a lot of flexibility too. We had a cleaner or I did the housework myself. I paid them more than you’re getting too

What a surprise, we all got on brilliantly and I’m still in touch with all of them. However I had a very exploited experience when I was an au pair, and all my au pairs had a previous/subsequent experience where they were insanely over worked or under paid.

I can tell you this: You are a dream au pair, (sensible, conscientious, excellent English) you will be so in demand. Get on au pair world and find a much easier experience than this.

I doubt this is going to get better. This family need a nanny not an au pair.

Start looking for a new position, they are exploiting you.

You sound like an incredibly intelligent, thoughtful and kind woman (with excellent English!). They don't deserve you.

Good luck.

I agree with the previous poster. Go onto au pair world and advertise to look for another family. With perfect English etc you will be very much in demand. Up to you, but I'd be straight with prospective future families about your current circumstances at Skype interview stage.... I interviewed a couple of au pairs who hid from me a similar situation and whilst I understood why they were looking to move it made me worry I couldn't properly trust them.

I paid a similar amount to your current family to take the kids to school 4 days per week (looking after them from approx 8am with school start at 8.55), and to pick them up at 3.30 and I'd be home by 6ish...also 4 days per week. Up to two nights of babysitting per week... Rare that I'd use both and if I did at least one would be after kids were ready for bed. I'd ask the au pair to do maybe half an hour max per day help with laundry.

Yours is a nanny/housekeeper job. Totally exploitative for an au pair.

They are exploiting you. Please leave and find an alternative family. Preferably through an agency who will offer you more protection.

So several people have asked about my responsibility with the 11 year old, and it's not supposed to be big amounts of work it just feels like it.
When she gets home from school I have to spend about 30 minutes of one on one time with her while I make sure that the 5 year old can take care of himself, so I typically put up his toys and make up a story he has to play out/draw him a picture he colours in/ other such things where he is entertained without TV as he's only allowed a certain amount a day and the mother turns on the TV in the morning.
Anyways, the girl l
Really likes dancing and while I'm pretty bad she has been trying to teach me some, when I can get her to come out her room after school. She typically barricades herself in her room when she comes home, and I knock on the several times to make her come down, but she keeps making excuses or just screaming at me, and then when I have to go into her room to get her she starts screaming and hide in the bathroom while calling her mom sometimes.
I feel very frustrated and I dont know what to do in that situation.
After that I have to get her started on homework and help her out if she needs it, and that is even more of a struggle as she does her homework on her computer and she sits in the kitchen and play music while making tik toks, and when I try to get her to do things she'll try and pretend that she is already doing them and be very annoyed by me checking up on her, this often ends in her getting angry and calling her mom at some point or another, because every time I ask her to do something she will tell me that I'm not the one in charge and that her mother is the one who can decide. I really want to explain that I'm in charge when the mom isn't here, but honestly then I'm not sure that that's actually true, and the 11 year old obviously picks up on that and is probably just as confused as me and trying to work it to her advantage as most children would.
Besides that I mostly dont have to do that much, when I babysit, typically once a week, I obviously have to put her to bed, which is even more of a fight that I truly don't feel like I can win.

I probably made the girl sound very bratty, but she and I actually get along really well, and she often tells me about things that happened at school with her friends that she doesn't want to discuss with her mom, and she tells me almost everyday that I'm extremely nice and that she doesn't know how they'll make do without me when I'm gone.

I do not in any way blame her for doing as she is, as I think it's normal behaviour for children to push the limit as far as possible, and she's probably just as confused and anxious about about not having any defined limits in our relationship as me, because she does have some anger/sadness issues and in my experience ( I worked as a tutor in Denmark and tutored some kids with special needs) they need a very organised and ear idea of what is happening and what is not happening.

I hope this was helpful:)

Good for you for standing up for your rights. I hope you find another host family as that one are using you as cheap labour. You deserve better. Good luck, I’m sure you will do well with a nicer family

i have an aupair.
he works 7-9am, then 4-7 pm. 2 babysits most weeks.
i put a weekly rota on the fridge - my children's bedtime changes slightly according to their after school activities.
he tidies the kitchen/sweeps the kitchen floor daily
opens the kids bedroom curtains/makes the beds (when he remembers!)
cooks (badly) about 1 per week....pizza usually LOL while i am out with another child
goes to college 2 days so he only works 7-8 those 2 mornings

i will say 50 minutes to fold laundry is long.....i take 10 mins per load. get the kids ti help you and speed up if you can

do the laundry/tidying when you have the children rather than during the day that way you will work 7.30-9, 3.20-8.30 which is much more manageable.

re the 11 yr old you do need to talk to hm about that (in my house i back the aupairin front of the kids even if i disagree)

tell hm that you cant juggle everything and so you need to readjust your 30 hours

The forced 30 mins 1-2-1 time is ridiculous with the daughter. She is supposed to be starting the slow process of becoming autonomous. It is for her to start working out how to schedule her life to ensure her homework is done. She is going to kick back more and more especially as the mother has made clear you have no authority over her.

I have an 11 year old. No way would I dictate this. She has just started secondary. She goes and does her homework immediately she gets home from school because that is how she’s decided to schedule her time. If she wanted to do it after dinner, that would also be her choice.

Maybe have a chat with the 11 yo today out of her mum’s earshot at breakfast. Ask her how she wants to play it. Discuss together her wants and her obligations. You may find if she is allowed half an hour or an hour in her bedroom, she will be ok to come out, be with you and do her homework.

And why can’t she do her homework in her room? Life increasingly becomes a negotiation at this stage and if you’re not spending time fighting with her, you’ve got time to do other stuff. I leave my dd to do her homework. She tells me what she’s done, I sign it. If she forgets something, she gets a detention (never has), ultimately that’s her responsibility. It’s really no big deal.

The mum sounds like she feels guilty for not being there, perhaps hasn’t even realised her dd has grown up a bit and is making you bad cop. It all feels very enmeshed.

Can you just do your hours this week and see the mother reacts when you do what you’re supposed to do? If you looked after the children, cleared up in the evening, but didn’t sweep, maybe did anything else in that time you could fit in, this would perhaps be your 30 hours.

I haven’t had an au pair. But I filled in for a while after exams one year when I was a teen. We agreed to do what the au pairs did. It was nothing like what you describe.

She tells me what she’s done, I sign it. If she forgets something, she gets a detention (never has), ultimately that’s her responsibility. It’s really no big deal
I agree but i have a feeling the host mum would totally blame it on OP if the girl got a detention.
I'd probably leave the family and go on Au Pair World op.

Hi everyone!
I had the talk with the family today and I've decided that I can't stay. I hoped they would say that yes it really is excessive, but instead they told me that they were frustrated I couldn't be more efficient.
Apparently they have spoken to a nanny they know and run the chore list through her, and she said it looked fine.
If it's the chores written on my contract it would have been fine; Children's laundry, empty dishwasher, prepare snack, tidying up after kids, sweeping, occasional assistance with general laundry.
But I'm doing the entire family's laundry as well as tidying up after everyone, and doing a deep cleanse of the kitchen every evening. I do a lot more than that, but that is the biggest tasks that I have, that take the longest.
I'm going home for december to take my exams, so I'll just do the next two weeks and then not come back in January as we had agreed on before.
Thank you so much for all of your responses, and I hope I find a great new family!