How do I approach my host mom about an issue as an au pair?

[Klaraagnete]

I realise this is very long, so if you can take a look at just one of the issues and help out it would be greatly appreciated!

Excuse any mistakes as English isn't my native language.

Background information:

I'm a 19 year old Scandinavian girl working in the UK as an au pair.
I work in a family of 5 with my main responsibility being the two youngest (5 and 11) and what was supposed to be small household duties around the house(dishes, sweeping, and laundry). Before coming over we signed a contract, and according to that I should work around 30 hours a week for the weekly pay of 100£.
We agreed on that as I am studying while working here, which I was very clear about before we even started negotiating details and such.
It's my first time being an au pair and the first time for them having an au pair.

I have 3 problems that I want to discuss with the host mom specifically as the father works abroad 5 days a week.

1. Workload

The family is absolutely lovely, and I truly enjoy living with them, but I felt from the beginning that the work amount was bigger than imagined. I figured that I probably just needed to get into a routine and that I would do it faster after a few weeks.
I've now been here 7 weeks and I still feel overwhelmed by the workload. So 2 weeks ago I started writing down the work I did each day and how long I actually worked, and it was far beyond the 30 hours we agreed on. The first week was 47 hours, and this week was 57 hours, as the mom had me babysitting 3 nights and go to an event at the school that she should have attended, but she didn't as she needed relaxing time and had left for an airbnb and the father lives in another country 5 days a week.

Nonetheless the first week is pretty accurate for the amount of work I do without any additional babysitting duties. And that is 17 hours more than the agreed on.

I'm having major troubles juggling the responsibilities, as I also have my studies that I'm supposed to spend around 25/35 hours a week on. I've tried to do the work quicker but the host mom said that I was doing a sloppy job and had to spend some more time on it.

The host mom is clearly stressed about working a full time job and being a single mom through the week, and I feel really terrible about not being able to help her as I really like her. While I would love to stay as I really love being in their family I'm not sure that the 30 hours I can offer is enough.

In case anyone is interested in how a normal day looks:

7:30-9:00 taking care of the youngest and getting him to school.
9:00-11:00 doing housework, tidying up and start several batches of laundry and fold the one I did the night before.
11:00-14:30 studying and lunch.
14:30-15:20 folding the laundry I washed earlier.
15:20-19:30 fetching the youngest from school and taking care of him and his sister when she gets home.
19:30-20:30 cleaning after dinner, tidying up around the house, sweeping.
20:30-22:00 studying.

1. Trust

The mom has come with lots of feedback for me, and I have listened to all of it and changed it which she has praised me for and said that if I have anything, critique or otherwise I should come to her.

Yesterday I came to her and said that I felt like I didn't get enough warning about changes to the schedule and what exactly I was supposed to be doing in such situations and that I would like to find a way for us to communicate in a way that she didn't have to explain several times and I wouldn't be confused and anxious. She got mad and raised her voice and said that she had explained it to me twice(i only recall her mentioning it in passing a few days before and then on the day itself, but I could be wrong) and said that she felt like she spend way too much time explaining things to me that I should be understanding by now. She later wrote me a text apologising for being short with me and that we would find a way on our journey together. I should probably have timed it better, but I still feel like it was a completely inappropriate response to me coming with a serious issue that I wanted to resolve, and that I should have been treated like an adult and not like a child being scolded.

1. Authority

She has assigned a lot of responsibilities to me that I have to do with her 11 year old, but I've had issues figuring out my place in our relation to each other. I tried talking to her about me having authority over the 11 year old as I right now feel like I dont have it and the girl often tells me that the way I'm doing something is wrong because her mom does it differently, and often call her parents to ask for permission to do something/let her brother do something after I said no.
She is 11 so I obviously expected her to do those things, but my problem is that the mom tells me that she knows the family better and probably knows the right way to do something.
I cannot balance the responsibilities without having the desicive power, it's a double bind and everytime the mom tells me to do something with the girl I feel anxious as I don't feel like I have any way to enforce those demands.
So I either need to have the responsibilities removed or have the mom tell the girl in no uncertain terms that when she is not at home then I am in charge.

I truly do want to stress that I really like this family, but I feel unsure of how to bring it up, especially after the host moms reaction when I bhought my other issue.

How do I approach the host mom and discuss this without making her feel attacked?

Apparently they have spoken to a nanny they know and run the chore list through her, and she said it looked fine.

That's great! Did they say when this nanny was going to start work on £100 a week? Nah, thought not

Hope you get something sorted soon. I wouldn't pay attention to the mother- if her kids are upset it's because she's unable to work within the terms of the contract and foster a good working relationship with you, and no other reason.

I often prepare tutor sessions for the 11 year old and work with the 5 year old on reading and writing
Tutoring as well as nanny/housekeeper then? I wonder how much tutoring costs per hour where you are.

In Denmark I was paid 12 pounds an hour with an additional fee of 5 pounds if the child had any special needs(ADHD, dyslexia, and so on).
But honestly I really like tutoring, it wouldn't be an issue if not for the big amount if housework.

You just leave and never look back. The mother is a bitch. She is using and manipulating you she didn’t even offer you extra money! She pretty much admitted they’ve been overworking you when she said you’d have less to do if you stayed the extra! Cheek if it. You go and enjoy your break. Not all families are like hers. At least you have advice now on getting everything in the contract in writing, including hours. Good luck in your new job. Wherever it is it will be better!

You are nanny, tutor, cleaner and housekeeper in one. Get outta there!

Just say sweetly, ‘I’m so sorry in January I am going to be au pair to one child for ten hours a week where they have a housekeeper who will also clean my room/prepare my meals. For £150/week. If you’re prepared to match that, let me know within next 24 hours. Oh, and I checked UK Tutors .com and my new hourly rate for that is £25/hr. Okay bye now!’

I have had to rescue my ex au pair from totally exploitative slavery type situation... insanely wealthy family, one of the parents was a top UK QC! Terrifying.

Our Au Pair does 7:30-8:50 then 3:15-7. On top of that she does this kids washing and keeps their bedrooms and the playroom tidy. She cooks them a simple dinner maybe 2/3 times a week. Also maybe 4 evening babysits a month.

We have a cleaner on top so she’s not expected to do any general cleaning etc.

I provide her hours and any important info in writing a week in advance

They are really exploiting you. An aupair is not meant to be a full time housekeeping/childcare/tutoring job. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself OP. Go home for Christmas and never come back

They are expecting you to be a fulltime nanny on aupair wages. They want a Champagne service but to spend a lemonade budget. A live-in nanny would typically work 8-12 hours per day for £400-600 per week (after tax). An aupair works around 5-6 hours per day for around £100 pocket money and time off to pursue a cultural exchange. Average aupair hours are about 25.

The fact that they are also expecting tutoring as well is outrageous - to hire a tutor would cost them anywhere from £20-£50 per hour. Yet they are exploiting you to provide it for around £2 per hour. These are not nice people.

Do not fall for the manipulation - she is just trying to get you back to be an underpaid housekeeper, maid, baby sitter as she will never find anyone else that will work that cheaply. Do not let them exploit you any more. Tell them clearly that you do not intend to return after Christmas.

If her behaviour gets worse or you feel unsafe - then get your parents to send you a ticket and go straight home. I live in Sweden and have daughters a little older than you. I would not hesitate to get them out of a situation where they were being exploited.

Go home - og har en Glædeligt Jul og Godt Nytår ... and do not ever come back to this household.

I think all you can do at this point is learn from the experience. But, worse case scenario be prepared to leave before you were planning. You could stay in a hostel if you actually wanted to see something whilst here. If you ever feel unsafe, not just uncomfortable but unsafe, then leave.

You can use your tutoring as an 'add on' next time, so not explicitly part of the deal unless agreed but a great bonus over and above homework support. Do you speak any other languages? You could also offer that if so.

Remember that an au pair is supposed to be an equal family member, so if you're asked to do more then anyone else is doing it's too much! I think you've got that by now.

Good luck finding a new host. I was an au pair years ago and had both fantastic and f*ing awful families, it's all part of the experience I guess. Even the terrible ones weren't all bad but with hindsight I can't believe what they expected of me.

You are being utterly exploited! For comparison, our au pair does

Everyday - 7.15-10am unload dishwasher, make packed lunches, take kids to school and walk dog
Monday and Tuesday only - 3.30-7pm fetch kids from school, help with homework, make dinner and load dishwasher and tidy kitchen
Wednesday 1 additional hour changing 3 kids bedding (anytime convenient) and 1 hour fetching eldest from a distant activity (7pm whilst I put younger two to bed).
So real total of 23 hours weekly plus babysitting BUT babysitting is max once every two weeks for 3 hours (but haven’t had any need last 3 weeks).

That’s it. She attends language school from 1pm to 3pm daily. From our point of view she is free on a Thursday and Friday from 10am onwards. We have a cleaner twice weekly so no onerous cleaning for au pair, just wiping down kitchen surfaces and loading dishwasher on a Monday and Tuesday and no laundry.

PS you sound lovely- you can be our next au pair if you wish

You sound brilliant and I would bite your hand off to be our au pair!

These people don't deserve you. Leave. I sorry you've had such w horrible experience

I've had two au pairs and I never expected them to do that much. 30 hours a week, light housework and childcare. That's it! And I always worked around their strengths.

Our last au pair still visits us annually, and we consider her another member of the family. Her slippers still sit in our hall awaiting her next visit!

Au pairs are there as a cultural exchange, with the benefit of our kids getting a bit of extra care. They are not door mats that have to deal with the whims of entitled assholes!

You are doing too much. I pay my au pair £100 per week for 25 hours max. She logs her hours on a chart in the kitchen so I dont ask her to do more.
Any issues she raises with me and I support her.
I recommend asking to talk to your host mum when the kids are at school. Tell her you have some concerns youd like to discuss which are important to you. Explain how you are feeling and why. Let her respond and if you aren't convinced or comfortable with her response thr give immediate notice (we have agreed 4 weeks notice either way)

Having said that she is in breach of your contract so feel free to just walk! You owe her nothing.

Good luck.

Where are you based OP?

I just wanted to say you sound lovely and very mature for your age. This family should be so happy to have you and instead are treating you very badly. Don't feel bad and don't look back!

Greesyspooncafe

I'm based in the London area if you mean while in the UK?

I really appreciate your advise! Unfortunately she was not willing to listen and her husband backed her up despite not being home through the week to see the amount of work I actually do.
None of them wanted to take a look at the notes I had made on how much time I spend working and how exactly I spend the hours.

She offered to take the 11 year old of my plate which would definitely clear out some time for laundry in the afternoon but only by a few hours, so not nearly enough to get the work amount down to 30 hours. And besides, I came to take care of children, not be a cleaner.

The husband came back later and asked if I was okay after that morning as he could see that I was struggling.

I didn't get to explain any of the other two issues or my feelings on the matter, as I already from their reaction could see that I didn't wish to come back in January, so I decided not to bring up any more issues and hope that we can still be friends the next two weeks.

I'm not sure if we will be friends, as the mom seem very upset and is a bit passive aggressive, like stopping me from cleaning after dinner by saying that they wouldn't want to overwork me. But the kids, especially the 5 year old, really likes me and as he is my primary responsibility I will spend my time with him and go to my room/out of the house whenever I'm not working.

Sounds like an extremely hostile working environment and they're massively exploiting you. Is it possible to leave now? They need a nanny and a cleaner op, and it's their responsibility to sort this.

Update!

The host dad came today after the mum had gone to work (he chose to stay the week because of the conversation yesterday), and told me not to worry and that it isn't a fit then it isn't a fit and that he would sort it out with his wife and no to feel guilty.

He also asked what exactly they had been unclear about in their expectations just so they could be more clear with the next au pair. I told him about the laundry, as I'm not sure that he knows that I do the entire family's and some of the other issues f my workload steadily increasing.

He said he would speak to his wife about it, but didn't seem angry. Nonetheless I've still decided not to come back in January no matter if they promise to lower the workload, as I feel like the entire communication process about a serious issue has been terrible and I'm not sure I would feel comfortable coming to them with issues/problems.

You're doing the right the OP. Get clear of them.

Well done OP hope it's a bit better for you now x

Would they like someone to treat their daughter the way they are treating you? They don’t deserve you. Go home at Christmas and never look back!

Hi everybody!

One of the moms in here offered me a place to stay before leaving and I took her up on it and went to her today after visiting yesterday.

She urged me to write a last update in here telling about my last goodbye, so here it is.

I was saying goodbye to the kids this morning as they knew I would be leaving. And while doing so the mom came with a bucket of laundry that she asked me to do before leaving. She also asked me to vacuum the ground floor one last time, but I said I had an uber to catch and couldn't manage both, so she chose the laundry.

I have now left and I'm not coming back. And we left on pretty friendly terms, as I decided to just get the two weeks over with.

She did however ask me for some feedback for their next au pair that's coming in January, and I left a list detailing my exact positive and negative experiences while being here, and I'm not quite sure that she'll appreciate them, but since I'm out of there it won't really affect me anyways.

I'm flying home tomorrow and I'm going to come back in January in another family that I'll find.

Thank you so much for all of your responses, they were truly appreciated and a big part of why I decided to leave instead of just sucking it up

@Klaraagnete I've just read your entire post. I hope you are still on here. You sound lovely, and I am sorry you had such a bad experience. If it hasn't put you off, and it's not too late, I am looking for an au pair early in the new year. I had an au pair last year, and I have had a nanny so I know the difference. I'm outer London based. My kids will be 5 and 7 by January and we have a 7 month old puppy. I can put you in touch with my old au pair as we are still in touch and she can give you a reference. And I can give you more information if you want to message me. Thank you

You sound extremely sensible and competent - and very over worked! Well done for managing to leave and for staying on good terms.

Hope you have a great Christmas. I'm sure you'll have no problem finding another placement. Feel free to get in touch if you fancy something quite a bit lighter just outside London!

Just as an update (because MN loves updates and a happy ending) - the OP came to stay with us for a few days back in Nov when she escaped the other family, and came back as our au pair 

Sorry @GU24Mum and @Ironmummy - I poached her first!! (And she's fab )

Great! That's good to hear.