How do I approach my host mom about an issue as an au pair?

[Klaraagnete]

I realise this is very long, so if you can take a look at just one of the issues and help out it would be greatly appreciated!

Excuse any mistakes as English isn't my native language.

Background information:

I'm a 19 year old Scandinavian girl working in the UK as an au pair.
I work in a family of 5 with my main responsibility being the two youngest (5 and 11) and what was supposed to be small household duties around the house(dishes, sweeping, and laundry). Before coming over we signed a contract, and according to that I should work around 30 hours a week for the weekly pay of 100£.
We agreed on that as I am studying while working here, which I was very clear about before we even started negotiating details and such.
It's my first time being an au pair and the first time for them having an au pair.

I have 3 problems that I want to discuss with the host mom specifically as the father works abroad 5 days a week.

1. Workload

The family is absolutely lovely, and I truly enjoy living with them, but I felt from the beginning that the work amount was bigger than imagined. I figured that I probably just needed to get into a routine and that I would do it faster after a few weeks.
I've now been here 7 weeks and I still feel overwhelmed by the workload. So 2 weeks ago I started writing down the work I did each day and how long I actually worked, and it was far beyond the 30 hours we agreed on. The first week was 47 hours, and this week was 57 hours, as the mom had me babysitting 3 nights and go to an event at the school that she should have attended, but she didn't as she needed relaxing time and had left for an airbnb and the father lives in another country 5 days a week.

Nonetheless the first week is pretty accurate for the amount of work I do without any additional babysitting duties. And that is 17 hours more than the agreed on.

I'm having major troubles juggling the responsibilities, as I also have my studies that I'm supposed to spend around 25/35 hours a week on. I've tried to do the work quicker but the host mom said that I was doing a sloppy job and had to spend some more time on it.

The host mom is clearly stressed about working a full time job and being a single mom through the week, and I feel really terrible about not being able to help her as I really like her. While I would love to stay as I really love being in their family I'm not sure that the 30 hours I can offer is enough.

In case anyone is interested in how a normal day looks:

7:30-9:00 taking care of the youngest and getting him to school.
9:00-11:00 doing housework, tidying up and start several batches of laundry and fold the one I did the night before.
11:00-14:30 studying and lunch.
14:30-15:20 folding the laundry I washed earlier.
15:20-19:30 fetching the youngest from school and taking care of him and his sister when she gets home.
19:30-20:30 cleaning after dinner, tidying up around the house, sweeping.
20:30-22:00 studying.

1. Trust

The mom has come with lots of feedback for me, and I have listened to all of it and changed it which she has praised me for and said that if I have anything, critique or otherwise I should come to her.

Yesterday I came to her and said that I felt like I didn't get enough warning about changes to the schedule and what exactly I was supposed to be doing in such situations and that I would like to find a way for us to communicate in a way that she didn't have to explain several times and I wouldn't be confused and anxious. She got mad and raised her voice and said that she had explained it to me twice(i only recall her mentioning it in passing a few days before and then on the day itself, but I could be wrong) and said that she felt like she spend way too much time explaining things to me that I should be understanding by now. She later wrote me a text apologising for being short with me and that we would find a way on our journey together. I should probably have timed it better, but I still feel like it was a completely inappropriate response to me coming with a serious issue that I wanted to resolve, and that I should have been treated like an adult and not like a child being scolded.

1. Authority

She has assigned a lot of responsibilities to me that I have to do with her 11 year old, but I've had issues figuring out my place in our relation to each other. I tried talking to her about me having authority over the 11 year old as I right now feel like I dont have it and the girl often tells me that the way I'm doing something is wrong because her mom does it differently, and often call her parents to ask for permission to do something/let her brother do something after I said no.
She is 11 so I obviously expected her to do those things, but my problem is that the mom tells me that she knows the family better and probably knows the right way to do something.
I cannot balance the responsibilities without having the desicive power, it's a double bind and everytime the mom tells me to do something with the girl I feel anxious as I don't feel like I have any way to enforce those demands.
So I either need to have the responsibilities removed or have the mom tell the girl in no uncertain terms that when she is not at home then I am in charge.

I truly do want to stress that I really like this family, but I feel unsure of how to bring it up, especially after the host moms reaction when I bhought my other issue.

How do I approach the host mom and discuss this without making her feel attacked?

If the nanny friend exists i bet they underplayed what it is you do.
I hope you find a better family.

If you're thinking of staying, you need to show the HM your typical schedule and talk about ways to make it more reasonable.

For example, how do they generate so much laundry? We are a family of four, my husband and I do all the laundry including linens on the weekends and then a smaller batch on Weds, and our AP folds & puts away the kids' laundry only on Mon and Thurs, takes about 20 minutes max each time. You should not have to do the parent's laundry.

Also when does the mother come home? Our AP is off the clock around 5:30/dinner time, when we take over the kids. Sometimes she helps to clean up afterwards, sometimes not - but this is as a member of the household, not paid, and if she wants to go do something we put a plate aside for her or she makes her own dinner (she's on a low-carb diet).

We have a written schedule/checklist of daily tasks, and a whiteboard that we keep lots of details on. Having things in writing is so important. Also she needs to let the daughter know that you're in charge, but you also need to have an agreement about how much you need to push on things like homework as often the conflict is not worth it and is overall destructive to relationships (I have a 12 year old daughter, we have some of the same challenges - I deal with issues myself whenever possible, even if it's after the fact).

Good luck and keep us posted!

See you just said you're not staying - good luck, hope your next family is better! And now you know what to look for, and can nip any issues in the bud early.

I have another issue, if anyone can help me.

The mom asked me if I could stay 6 weeks more from January to February and said that she didn't think it would be good for the youngest if I left.
She said I wouldn't have to do as much as I do now and would focus primarily at the youngest. She cried and send the kids out while this was happening. She has clearly also told the kids(bar the 5 year old) about the fact that I'm not staying, as I heard them speaking about it when they didn't know I was in the other room. While I don't consider that an issue in itself, it's the fact that I think the host mom is trying to guilt me into staying. She's been crying all day in front of me and the kids, and when she was talking about me staying she kept mentioning how bad it would be for the child if I left. But I went upstairs a few minutes ago, and heard her start speaking normally(she was speaking in a weepy voice before) and laugh, and I just don't know whether ir not I'm being paranoid.
I really don't want to stay 6 weeks more, how do I communicate that to her in a way where we can live together for 2 weeks more?

Just say that you have made arrangements for January now that you are leaving. Don't let her guilt trip you into staying. Just be yourself and be pleasant over the next two weeks and then leave. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm really sorry this has happened to you but I'm glad you are leaving.

Stand your ground and do not come back! She is trying to guilt you into staying. Say no!

The parents are not good people. Don’t stay longer, get out of there asap.

You are being underpaid and overworked. I would advise you to look up modern slavery.

Do not allow this woman to guilt trip you into staying. They do not sound like good people. If you can, it may be best to leave sooner.

That's way too much - for a start we only ask for two babysits per week maximum.

Also we have a 11yo and since our current au pair starting coincided with her going to secondary school, we basically don't feel we need the AP to have to do much with her at all - she walks herself to and from school so it's not really too much the APs responsibility, he mainly looks after her younger brother.

I pay my cleaner £28 for 2 hrs work. They are exploiting you OP. Just leave. Go home now and start again in the new year using an au pair agency. You are not the nanny or cleaner.

Altså det hvad, 850 kroner?! Næh.. Afsted med dig. She's being super manipulative.
Good luck OP!

Wtf with the crying! She sounds like a nightmare!

She's playing you. Tell her you are going in two weeks, and if she gives you any more grief leave sooner.

Apparently they have spoken to a nanny they know and run the chore list through her, and she said it looked fine

Yes, for a nanny on a nanny's hourly rate, not for an au pair!

These people have massively taken the piss. I wouldn't stay any longer than you need to, OP, and I certainly wouldn't let the woman guilt-trip you into staying longer!

Any hurt feelings the children have from an au pair leaving is the parents' responsibility - perhaps they will learn not to treat their au pairs like slaves in future (although with their attitude I suspect they'll get through a fair few before they realise it's actually them and not all the au pairs...).

The mum doesn't want you to leave yet because it's inconvenient for her. You sound very sensible so just stick to your guns. Hopefully you'll find a good family next.

Another one here saying you're being exploited.

They want a nanny meets housekeeper on the cheap.

You seem lovely OP and very mature. I'd take advice and seek another post.

I would just say "I'm sure you can get a temporary live in Nanny for 6 weeks..."

They don't sound nice at all!

Absolutely do not agree to stay on. That woman is trying to manipulate your mind nature!!! I'm going into protective mum mode & want to march round & tell her!!!!

Work your two weeks, have a lovely Christmas at home, and hopefully organise a nicer family for January. Anyone would be lucky to have you!

For your next family, I would urge you to think first about what sounds manageable for the hours. Have it put in writing, including how much extra £ for any additional. Also - definitely get the weekly schedule in advance & as PP said, stick one on the fridge.

Good luck! Get out of there as soon as you can!!

Two things jump out, one is that the workload is large, but the other is multi tasking, you can clean and tidy up, do laundry etc when the kids are home so freeing up time to study. Babysitting should be paid as an extra

*KIND nature!

Leave and don’t look back! You are contracted for an au pair job - not as a nanny or housekeeper.

Say you will think about it, go home for Christmas and email them that you changed your mind. They sound awful.

“Sorry, no, that doesn’t work for me.” Leave sooner if it gets too much.

Maybe her non existent nanny friend can help out from January?

Otherwise her husband will have to take some time off. Absolutely not your problem.

I tried doing that, but as one of my selling points was that I worked as a tutor in Denmark and had experience with tutoring children the age of 6 to 15, I often prepare tutor sessions for the 11 year old and work with the 5 year old on reading and writing. And I do also do housework while taking care of the kids, it's just never enough as there seem to be more and more duties.

I started out being told to only do the laundry of the youngest two and now I do the entire family's. And likewise I started out being told only to do light kitchen work like loading the dishwasher, wash pans and pots, sweep the floor, and wipe down the counters which then turned into a 'deep cleanse of the kitchen nightly'.

I feel like the work never stops piling up, and everytime I finish a task a new one suddenly appears.

And the host mom turned more and more unpleasant in the week before and during me counting my hours, which was actually what made me start doing so.

I don't think that she did it with any malicious intent, but that she simply doesn't know what an au pair is and what their work should be and what she needs is not what I can offer.

That being said I still obviously do not appreciate the way I've been treated, and I do not wish to return, but I still think they're good people who clearly loves their kids and just need more help than what I can offer

Good for you for standing up for yourself!! Hope you do brilliantly on your exams. The mum sounds horrendously manipulative!

By comparison we have been thinking about getting an au pair - working term time only 7.30-9am, and then 4.30-7pm, with one babysitting evening a week. No cleaning, just general tidying up after themselves, school runs, and one dog walk a day. I was worried we were taking advantage paying £150/week plus flights here and back!

I used to work as an au pair for a woman who let her 5 year old dictate to me, I lived in the middle of nowhere with no mobile signal and no public transport to the nearest town (20 miles away) and was only allowed to have my bedroom heater on at certain times and do my own washing at a certain time of week. she shouted at me one day, and I told her that day I was leaving and worked my two weeks notice period and went home. She wasnt cut out for living alongside a stranger and having someone in her home but wanted cheap labour. I never looked back and I dont think you should either. Good luck