Am I being overly anxious about hazards at CM’s house?

[YorkMum85]

I’d really love some opinions on this as I’m struggling. I am an anxious person anyway and am trying not to let it interfere with daily life, so sometimes it’s hard for me to see when I’m overreacting!

Daughter has recently turned 2 and has just started with a new childminder. She’s absolutely lovely and I think we’ll all work well together except for the issue of safety, or my perception of it at least.

There are a few large trees in the CM garden which shed small pine cones and conkers, and I’ve noticed that these don’t get cleared up that regularly, they are there for my DD to pick up (which she does). Unless the CM is on her every second of the day, I don’t understand how she can be sure this doesn’t pose a choking risk. I know it’s all part of Autumn and nature, so I’m not sure if I’m making too much fuss to expect them to be swept away every morning.

Secondly, the stair-gate has been left open twice when I’ve been there, and one time we couldn’t see my DD after she had headed in that direction, so she may well have been climbing the stairs (she wasn’t). She’s not confident on stairs yet at all and I’ve never left her near any without a stair-gate on.

I’ve mentioned these concerns twice to my CM and she’s been very kind and understanding, but the debris is still in the garden, and the stair-gate was still open when I went round this morning! Am I being over the top here? I know DD has to learn about hazards eventually, but this feels a bit too risky at such a young age..l

Any advice or experience you have on this matter is gratefully received!

Is she really still putting things in her mouth? Most kids have long grown out of this by two.

Thanks for your reply NoSquirrels westcountrychicken it is hard to know when to say something, and my DD is not the surest on her feet, she was quite slow to crawl and walk and is quite accident prone. I think it will be nearer to 3yrs for her to master stairs too.

Is she really still putting things in her mouth? Most kids have long grown out of this by two.

Eh, I distinctly remember my 2-year-old putting snails in her mouth! Bleurgh!

There’s a reason toys with small parts say not for under threes.

But even so, I think the conkers aren’t an issue per se as the children will be supervised in the garden.

HeadintheiClouds that’s interesting to note, as most small items have warnings for under-3s and sometimes under-5s.

. You sound quite incredibly over anxious, honestly. Telling yourself that your dd will probably not be able to manage stairs until she’s three?

I’d be more concerned you think your CM would leave DD unsupervised in the garden while she went to the loo or did the washing up. My CM would NEVER do this. She’d make sure the kids were in, secure and engaged in something safe first. It wouldn’t occur to me to worry about conkers etc. as I’d trust she’d be actively interacting with and watching DD in the garden.

The stair gate thing, honestly I think you are being PFB. Instinctively she would probably have checked a few seconds after you did. DD was up the hall, not on the stairs. I’d expect her to close it once DD was dropped off, and if she was going to be preparing lunch or something when DD could potter off but not expect it to be closed at all times.

Ultimately if you don’t trust her, change CM.

NoSquirrels your responses are really helpful, thanks very much.

You’re right I do need to learn to cope and adapt to the new challenges the ages and stages will bring. It’s just been a bit of a shock coming from a much more uncluttered and managed environment like my ex-CM I think. I will follow up with new CM on ways to compromise and manage my anxiety whilst still running the setting she wants.

My ex-CM has gone back to studying full time unfortunately. It was such a blow to lose her, she gave us plenty of notice but I think I’m still reeling TBH!

HeadintheiClouds I said master stairs, not manage them, ie be confidently striding up and down them unsupervised. I don’t really value your input so feel free to save your words and facetious emoticons.

I do sympathise - we used an amazing CM when mine were babies and toddlers and when preschool started was very sad indeed to leave her (she couldn’t pick up from the school we were at). Our new CM was lovely but in a completely different way indeed.

Hopefully it will settle for you but ultimately if you are too uncomfortable then it is a personal thing and you could look for another setting or consider a nanny.

Thanks SayWhatNowYall, for me the problem is she spent a lot of the settling in period talking directly to me while DD toddled out of sight, and it was hard to gauge how she’d be when I was no longer present. There were no other kids there so I didn’t get to see how she’d be with them either. She was excellent when engaging with DD though, and generally a very nice woman.

Why is this seen as such an unreasonable demand from me?

Your mistake is in thinking that you have any right to demand your cm do a manual task. She provides a service, she is self employed, you ARE NOT her boss and don't get to demand she does anything. If you don't like the service, find another one.

You need to teach your daughter to navigate stairs. Two year olds don't need stair gates for safety as much as they are handy for making sure they can't disappear off upstairs and create mayhem.

Thank you NoSquirrels and sorry you had to go through upheaval too. It’s only now I’m a parent that I understand fully how important that trust and bond with your carer is. A strong one is priceless.

Thanks for helpful comments everyone! Lots of food for thought.

Drogo I was very careful to avoid saying I was in a position of authority to her in any way, but yes I should’ve used a word other than ‘demand’. I was using it more in a professional sense (ie ‘work demands’) than me demanding it. As I said it’s her setting, if she’s not comfortable with what I want, I wouldn’t begrudge her cancelling our contract at all. I’m really trying not to be an awkward parent, whilst still having some input.

The fundamental issue here us whether you are happy with the set up. We can all say you're being unreasonable however when it comes down to it if you're not happy then you need to find a setting that you are happy with.

Why didnt you stop your DD and explain that she couldn't go upstairs by herself? Why is it the CM problem when the childs mother is stood there?

Ah, if you don't have stairs at home and your CM is willing to help your DD gain her confidence with them that seems like a big win to me.

I think you just need to work together. If you are happy explaining some of your anxiety then she can adapt and understand. Ultimately you'll probably find it a really helpful relationship but it takes time, of course.

Yes you are being overly cautious but I understand exactly where you are coming from.

You need to take comfort in the knowledge that your childminder has had many children in her care before yours, is required to fill in risk assessments and other paperwork regarding their safety and regularly update this.

I used my childminder to realise that I was holding on too tightly to my child and that she was capable of things like stairs by 2. I still have issues around stairs and my DD is almost 4 but I have to let her get on with it.

Maybe you need to tell your cm about your anxiety and also ask her how the garden is used. If she's out there unsupervised that's a different thing to being out there under supervision.

I'm surprised that the stair gate is open. Not least because who wants all the kids upstairs anyway?

Have a chat with her.

Ember12 I did stop her of course, and told her not to play with the conkers. I waited a beat each time to give CM the chance to step in (as I hoped she would to demonstrate her minding skills), but she didn’t.

ArnoldBee Very true. I’m using these responses to help me work out what to do. I wish I could be more relaxed about things... I’m trying!

Namechange Ratbag Don thanks for your encouraging replies. I’ll definitely speak to her and hopefully our relationship will grow enough for me to trust her more. It’s very early days ATM! If I think too much about the fact I’m dropping my PFB off with a near-stranger without a backwards glance every day I feel physically nauseous 🤦‍♀️

I waited a beat each time to give CM the chance to step in (as I hoped she would to demonstrate her minding skills), but she didn’t.

When a parent is there, it is unlikely that a childminder will step in to "demonstrate their minding skills". Once you are there, you should be responsible for your child. Your attitude towards your childminder is a bit strange.

Drogo you’re welcome to your opinion, but I disagree. How am I supposed to get a feel for the level of safeguarding my DD will get if not by witnessing examples of it firsthand? Especially when the opportunity was right in front of CM? Am I just expected to trust a near-stranger on their word? I’ve been burnt that way before, and surely I’m not alone in that. It would’ve been so reassuring to see her explain safety and being careful to my DD first hand.

A childminder isn't going to try and parent your child whilst you are there. That would be stepping on your toes hugely. It seems you we're using that to test her which seems v unfair. She was probably wondering why you weren't keeping an eye on your child!