Is this normal with a childminder?

[Stompythedinosaur]

We have a childminder who I am generally really happy with who looks after my dc age 8 and 6 twice a week. Generally I would say she has a great relationship with my dc.

She took my dc out to a soft play place today along with her 10yo and another younger child. They had a nice time, but while there bought her dc a build a bear type toy (not a real build a bear, a kit to bring home to stuff your own bear). They then went back to the childminder's house and the other dc watched her dc make the toy.

I fully understand her wanting to buy a toy her her dc, but I'm left feeling a bit uncomfortable about how this must have felt for my dc. There have been other trips where the childminder has requested we send money for the dc to go to the gift shop, but she hadn't this time. She did something similar last summer on a trip to a zoo when she bought her dc came home with an cuddly toy.

I'm not sure if I am being a bit precious, as I'm aware that things cannot be fair all the time for the dc. But it feels a bit unkind, and tbh I would have preferred she was at least a bit subtle about buying big treats for her dc when mine are with her. But I don't know if that is reasonable?

Would be grateful to know what others think!

Oh, I agree with you actually.

You are definitely not being precious!! I would be so angry at that

Not particularly because I'd send my DD with enough money for whatever she needed, if she was going out with someone. On a school trip I took my DD to the souvenir shop to buy her a treat. Other parents could have done the same but hey ho.

EmmiJay, but the childminder hadn't told the OP that there would be a shopping opportunity and therefore to consider sending some £.

It's basic fairness / empathy.

I think perhaps she should have waited until she was not childminding for the day or on a weekend before they made the toy together.

That's not on. The fact she thinks it's ok would bother me a lot. Why she couldn't wait is odd.

I was a cm, I would never, ever have done that.
MiL once came to our house and proceeded (before I could intervene) to give gifts to all my children, leaving the 1 mindee to watch. Was furious and still think badly of her many years later.

I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t do that just taking my children’s friends out for the day. It was my dd’s birthday last week and she got a large amount of Waterstones vouchers. I took her and some of her friends to town and she spent her vouchers on herself, and I bought each of her friends a book each out of my own monte (which being an expensive shop wasn’t cheap). This childminder is responsible for your sons wellbeing when he with her, and she sounds completely lacking in empathy. She should have either asked you for money, not bought presents for her own child while she was being paid to take care of her mindee, or perhaps even bought something small and inexpensive so your son didn’t feel left out.

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest -- I think you are being precious. Your children had the fun of being at the soft play place, and need to recognise that not every outing culminates in something from the gift shop. Surely your two understand that the childminder can buy her own child things from time to time without them getting something.

Unless there's a history of generally preferential behaviour towards her own child in more important ways, I wouldn't take any notice.

I'm glad not everyone thinks I am being precious!

EmmiJay I suppose I could have anticipated and sent some money. I am a bit that you bought your child a toy on a school trip in front of the other kids, I wouldn't have felt ok doing that.

Would the people who don't think it is ok bring it up? I very much don't want to alienate our childminder as she is good and my dc are happy with her. Do I put on my big girl pants and have a conversation about it, or just make sure I sent money in case every time they go anywhere?

I posted before seeing Idaho's post. I can see I might be being a bit precious. My dc are not hugely upset or anything (probably because I rarely let them get something at a gift shop!)

I think I am more bothered by them sitting watching the dc make her bear afterwards, I really do feel that should have not happened in front of the younger kids.

Oh wow, my 3dc had a day with the cm (usually only after school 2 times a week but this was all day as it's the holidays) and it cost me £120 for the one day so I definitely didn't plan to send extra £££.

I wouldn't mind the buying her own dc something but then doing the activity in front of her mindees seems off and just unnecessary.

My 9 year old recently spent birthday money on a toy while I was out with childminding children.

I would be very if someone complained their 8 & 6 year olds didn't get a toy to be honest. Toddlers I can kind of understand.

I wouldn't be happy. You weren't given a chance to send money.

On Rainbows trips we ban the gift shop at attractions for this reason! If parents want to take their daughters after they have picked them up that is fine of course. Pretty much no one does.

To be clear, I in no way think she should have got a toy for my dc, but I would have preferred my dc had the chance to bring money for a toy if her dc was getting one.

Good to know it is normal for some childminders to treat their dc while they have mindees. I will be more proactive about sending money in future.

It isn't the buying, but the watching them make it at home which would make me 🤔.

Namechange i would much prefer it if gift shops were banned!

This is one of the things that put me off childminders who care for their own children at the same as the children they’re paid for tbh (which unfortunately loads round here do) - I’d rather my children took equal priority with the others there.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the CM to occasionally buy things for her own DC when out with mindees but I think this should be done quickly and quietly and not played with until mindees are home or distracted with something else.

I was a childminder for 15 years and if I took the children anywhere, I would pay for any purchases myself. I can’t imagine buying my own DC a toy and not getting something for the children I was caring for, let alone have them watch my DC play with/assemble it. I’d talk to your childminder and tell her your DC felt upset and in future, could she let you know ahead of time as you’d be willing to send money. As a childminder, I think that is a perfectly reasonable request.

My dc are not hugely upset or anything (probably because I rarely let them get something at a gift shop!)
Well what's all the fuss about then?

I very much don't want to alienate our childminder as she is good and my dc are happy with her.
Good, if you alienate a good Childminder you may struggle to find an equally good replacement.

Do I put on my big girl pants and have a conversation about it, or just make sure I sent money in case every time they go anywhere?

Yes, both. Speak to her, I bet all the children were involved in making the bear. You already knew she treats her child on outings so if you want yours to be the same you should make sure they have money with them.

I would also add that, as a childminder, I paid for special trips myself, just to be sure no one was left out. I planned my fees on the basis of including day trips sometimes, to the zoo, indoor play places, and other places charging fees.

I think it's bad form of the childminder. It's this type of scenario that would put me off of having a cm who looks after her own child too.

CallMe my dc were bothered by it and asked why they hadn't been able to get something, but they are generally happy kids and are far from devastated.

I suppose "all the fuss" is my expectation that the dc would be treated equally while in the childminder's care. And that I now wonder if there are other ways they are treated unequally.

I accept that I should send money on all trips now whether or not the childminder asks me to.

This reminded me of my Dad.
My sister used to child mind and sometimes dad would be over visiting and would walk ti school and collected the grandchildren with my sister and the children she was minding.
Didn't matter how many kids there was they all got treats from the shop on the way home :)
Good old Dad x