Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Is this normal with a childminder?

71 replies

Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2019 18:20

We have a childminder who I am generally really happy with who looks after my dc age 8 and 6 twice a week. Generally I would say she has a great relationship with my dc.

She took my dc out to a soft play place today along with her 10yo and another younger child. They had a nice time, but while there bought her dc a build a bear type toy (not a real build a bear, a kit to bring home to stuff your own bear). They then went back to the childminder's house and the other dc watched her dc make the toy.

I fully understand her wanting to buy a toy her her dc, but I'm left feeling a bit uncomfortable about how this must have felt for my dc. There have been other trips where the childminder has requested we send money for the dc to go to the gift shop, but she hadn't this time. She did something similar last summer on a trip to a zoo when she bought her dc came home with an cuddly toy.

I'm not sure if I am being a bit precious, as I'm aware that things cannot be fair all the time for the dc. But it feels a bit unkind, and tbh I would have preferred she was at least a bit subtle about buying big treats for her dc when mine are with her. But I don't know if that is reasonable?

Would be grateful to know what others think!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
glitterelf · 29/08/2019 20:33

I think the crucial element is the building the bear in front of the mindees not the actual purchase. Last week I picked up a small toy for my child and she was only given it after the mindees had gone home. When my child is at school often mindees are treated and she misses out so it can be swings and roundabouts. I would speak to your childminder and just explain that if she's going to be taking the children out and she requires extra money for treats to give you a heads up first.

HypatiaCade · 29/08/2019 20:37

This would have bothered me a LOT! How did she not think that it would have been better for her DC to build the bear AFTER the mindees had gone home?! It's just common sense.

My DC adored both their childminder, and her DC. They loved going there. They wouldn't have felt that way if they felt that she treated them unequally in comparison to her own DC, especially DS2 who was (and is) an absolute stickler for fairness.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 29/08/2019 20:38

Robin your dad sounds lovely Thanks

pjmask · 29/08/2019 20:39

Op were the minders really not involved in the building of the bear at all? So literally just in the same room watching while the Cm helped her dc build the bear? This would bother me, the buying of something for cm's own dc wouldn't - it may have been a special offer or she may not often be at that soft plate

Deadringer · 29/08/2019 20:40

It's possible that the child had money and bought something for themselves, but I wouldn't have allowed the child to actually make the item in front of the minded children. It's a bit like buying your own child sweets and letting them eat them in front of others, mean imo.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 29/08/2019 20:40

YANBU. I'd be really rather cross- a childminder shouldn't be showing preferential treatment to her own kids, and relagating mindees to a second-class citizen sort of status is not on at all.

They should've waited to build the bear until the mindees had left.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 29/08/2019 20:40

*relegating

OptimusRhyme · 29/08/2019 20:44

That's crap and I wouldn't be happy especially the watching her child build it part. Would she buy an ice cream only for her child and make yours watch her eat it? I'd ask either no gift shops or to be told in advance so you can send money.

icecreamsundae32 · 29/08/2019 20:44

I used to childmind and funded all outings. If I was buying a token toy or magnet/rubber from a museum gift shop or small soft toy at a zoo then I'd buy them all one, same with goes on bouncy castles, the peppa pig car rides you get at the supermarket, ice creams on days out, all the children got the same as my own, totally equal.

In your situation was it her child's birthday? I would not expect her to buy my kids an expensive teddy but I also would expect her to buy something like that discreetly and give it to her when the mindees have gone home, not have her child sew it in front of the others...

I eventually gave up childminding as I felt my own children had nothing of their own, no real privacy in their own home, they didn't get my full attention with things like homework, they had to share all their toys and games and of course they had to share me - being the child of a childminder has pros and cons, pros being your mum is always there to drop off/pick up from school, you have lots of company and potential friends.... cons your mum is often working 7-7 and your house/toys are not just yours, sometimes you don't get on with the other children - some kids cope better than others!

PrincessScarlett · 29/08/2019 20:48

I don't think there is anything wrong with her buying something for her own child but the making the bear in front of the mindees is a bit odd, they should have waited until mindees had gone.

Looneytune253 · 29/08/2019 20:48

Tbh, I'm a childminder and I probably wouldn't have done this but honestly you can't imagine the impact being a childminder has on our own children. Could the child not have spent her own money on the toy and then made it in her bedroom maybe? Or made it with help from your dc? I'm sure it's not as harsh as it sounds. My child is always suffering because of the children coming in all the time so I can see how it might be tempting to let them have a little treat

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 29/08/2019 20:49

I think you're over reacting if I'm honest......My DC is with a childminder whose child is very similar in age to mine - I wouldn't mind if she bought her child something whilst out and even if they then played with it in-front of them......that's just life....I think your potentially spoiling kids/fostering bad habits by having them get something just because another child has it??

lunar1 · 29/08/2019 20:51

I wouldn't be happy at all about your children sitting there watching her child play with her new toy, it says a lot about who a person is that thinks this is ok.

The fact that you are paying for the privilege makes it even worse.

You treat all the children together the same way, she could have quietly bought the toy and made it while she wasn't working.

Yaflamingalah · 29/08/2019 20:52

I think that is really unprofessional of her. She should have waited until the weekend to treat her child. She needs reminding that she is working and that really isn’t on.

ChildminderMum · 29/08/2019 20:56

I doubt the childminder made the minded children watch her child build the bear - they probably chose to watch the other child.

Usually my own children keep their own toys in their bedrooms and minded children aren't allowed to go upstairs. But maybe the child needed adult help.

Nothing terrible happened. Sometimes one child gets a toy and others don't. I don't buy all my own children gifts just because one gets one.

isadoradancing123 · 29/08/2019 20:59

I think the childminder is being very mean

Halo1234 · 29/08/2019 21:01

I think that's out of order. You dont take 3 children out and buy one a toy and leave the other 2 to watch them playing with it. That's just unkind. I would be annoyed at that. She can buy her daughter toys on her days off. The rest of us dont get to take our kids toy shopping when at work so why should she. However if she is otherwise perfect then I would probably go down the softly softly can u let me know to send money so they can all have a treat I dont want my children to watch yours get toys while they get nothing and feel like second class citizens (maybe leave out the last but haha). However if your money is getting spent on toys it should be u that gets the enjoyment of getting them it and seeing them enjoy it.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 29/08/2019 21:01

I doubt the childminder made the minded children watch her child build the bear - they probably chose to watch the other child

It's very likely the childminder was helping her child build the bear rather than being with her mindees- generally, kids can't do that sort of thing solo- so I imagine there wasn't much else for the mindees to do.

ChildminderMum · 29/08/2019 21:04

so I imagine there wasn't much else for the mindees to do.
8 and 6 year olds are capable of playing without an adult standing over them Confused

ALoadOfTwaddle · 29/08/2019 21:13

8 and 6 year olds are capable of playing without an adult standing over them

Capable, yes. But they do tend to gravitate to the adult. Who is actually getting paid to interact with them and supervise them, so if they then ignore them to concentrate on their own child for an activity that could've waited until the mindees were gone, it's highly unprofessional IMO.

IdahoGreen · 29/08/2019 21:13

My seven year old goes to a childminder, whom I’ve always found excellent, and it would never occur to me to expect her to be supervising his play! He just plays with the other kids, or reads or draws or whatever he fancies. It’s not a play date!

cacklingmags · 29/08/2019 21:14

This was just wrong. Very poor behaviour on the part of the CM. Given the delicate balance it might not be advisable to challenge her. But I would learn from it and always send your DC with money in case something like this should happen. Some day in the future, when your DC no longer needs minding. Sit down with your CM and eat a whole delicious cake in front of her.

Original poster
Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2019 21:21

In sure the dc weren't made to watch and could have played with other toys, but I can also see why the new toy was interesting for them.

Robin your dad sounds wonderful!

I appreciate the feedback, I think I will mention that I would prefer to have the option to send money for the dc if she is taking them to a gift shop and then leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stompythedinosaur · 29/08/2019 21:23

cackling Grin your comment has made my night!

OP posts:
ChangeItChild · 29/08/2019 21:25

It's not so much that she bought her DC a toy, it's that her DC was allowed to make it in front of the other children further rubbing salt into the wound (perhaps she hoped they could all do it together, but it didn't work out that way?)

I'd mention it, in a lighthearted way, without making a fuss.

'DC loved the soft play yesterday, it sounds like great fun. If I'd known you'd be buying 'build a bear' type toy I'd have definitely sent spending money with, as my DC felt a little left out'

Its hard enough being a working mum and working in the school holidays without having to worry about them feeling left out, when you are paying for them to be looked after and nurtured, that's the CM job, so that you can do your job - I think you owe it to your DC and yourself to carefully mention it.