Is this normal with a childminder?

[Stompythedinosaur]

We have a childminder who I am generally really happy with who looks after my dc age 8 and 6 twice a week. Generally I would say she has a great relationship with my dc.

She took my dc out to a soft play place today along with her 10yo and another younger child. They had a nice time, but while there bought her dc a build a bear type toy (not a real build a bear, a kit to bring home to stuff your own bear). They then went back to the childminder's house and the other dc watched her dc make the toy.

I fully understand her wanting to buy a toy her her dc, but I'm left feeling a bit uncomfortable about how this must have felt for my dc. There have been other trips where the childminder has requested we send money for the dc to go to the gift shop, but she hadn't this time. She did something similar last summer on a trip to a zoo when she bought her dc came home with an cuddly toy.

I'm not sure if I am being a bit precious, as I'm aware that things cannot be fair all the time for the dc. But it feels a bit unkind, and tbh I would have preferred she was at least a bit subtle about buying big treats for her dc when mine are with her. But I don't know if that is reasonable?

Would be grateful to know what others think!

@Stompythedinosaur
@Namechangeforthiscancershit
Thank you.
It was :)

'He' was.

Cm should definitely not have done this.
No problem with her buying a toy for her child but should have not been made until other children had gone home.

As a cm of be upset you hadn't felt you could talk to me. The fact your saying on one hand it's not the buying that upsets you then saying I'll send money next time is a bit confusing. Are you sure it's not brought for a special reason or with the child's own money? Is it some special day the child has been sharing? I have a big box of craft kits the children are free to pick from sometimes they will do one each with little help other times the choose to watch or they just go and do something else. Childminder s children are generally the ones missing out on mum time mine only ever got their own toys at weekends or chose to bring them down to share and risk new birthday toys being broken but when opening a special gift could use it first, the never had weekday play free from mindees you don't get that when mum is working a 12 hour day, so if they got a craft kit and wanted it in work hours it was with the same level help any child got no more no less it's about treating all children equally as best as possible.

On one occasion my children were given money for a special good bye gift they saw what they wanted when we were out with mindees and not somewhere we could return to do I explained it to the others some got the explanation some didnt generally the ones used to getting gifts for no good reason couldn't understand it (I've had children who get gifts on siblings birthdays who really struggle when they don't get it's not my birthday gifts here).

@jannier, I think that's completely reasonable. I would have issue with my childminder doing this, and it perhaps helps that my mother worked as a childminder when I was at primary school, so am very much aware of the compromises faced by childminders' children, whose home is also their mother's workplace, and who have to share a lot with mindees. I would have very little patience with said mindees' parents being beady-eyed in case their own children perceived themselves to be missing out on the ultimate experience of the soft play gift shop.

If, at eight and six, your children really cannot grasp that sometimes it's someone else spending their pocket money, or sometimes you don't get the present because it's not your birthday, or that the contents of the gift shop are not yours by right, or that not all toys are for sharing, then I think it's a parenting problem, not a failure of judgement on the childminder's part.

Thank you to everyone who has given feedback.

My dc can certainly grasp that they will not always be the one getting something, but this is a situation where one particular child will get while they always won't (unless I start sending money even when this isn't prediscussed).

I do see that cm's dc miss out on some of their parent's attention when they are working, but my dc miss my attention when I am at work too. I had thought I could trust my cm to treat the dc equally when they were with her, and do private family treats outside her work hours (like we do).

I regularly look after a friend's dc and I would never dream of taking my dc put for a treat while the other dc watched.

It is helpful to know that there's a range of perspectives around this. I possibly need to look for a cm, like many who've posted, who shares my outlook.

You say always miss out, I thought this had happened once in a long standing arrangement so surely you mean once is too many even if there are mitigating circumstances. Your child presumably never missed out while your actively caring for them and others who are getting the lions share of mummys attention over what for many is a 55 hour working week plus training often in weekends, if mum has had a personal issue (death, illness, seperation, amazing behaviour allowing child to miss out while she has been caring for a mindee, missing a birthday treat because they didn't get paid that weekend ....all scenarios I've felt with) is the mindees child not allowed a one off exceptional reward? Is the childminder not allowed the chance to explain?

I do see that cm's dc miss out on some of their parent's attention when they are working, but my dc miss my attention when I am at work too. I had thought I could trust my cm to treat the dc equally when they were with her, and do private family treats outside her work hours (like we do).

You are comparing two entirely different situations.

Your children are not with you during your working day, seeing you give your attention to other children because that is what you are being paid to do.

Your children don't have to deal with their living room/kitchen/downstairs loo/garden etc also being used as their mother's workplace, and thus shared with children they would not choose to have round for a playdate, far less have in their space every weekday, and to have to negotiate various rules about keeping their own special toys in their bedrooms, or share them.

Your children don't need to deal with 'treat' excursions to the zoo or soft play being part of their mother's working day, and hence shared with children they would not choose to spend leisure time with, and whose parents are scrutinising the set-up for evidence of preferential treatment.

With a decent childminder and from what you say, yours is the last thing you need to worry about is that her children are having a wonderful time at the expense of yours. It's far more likely to be the other way round.

Frankly, while it's far from unusual, obviously, for childminders to have young children of their own, it's often no more fun for their own children than it would be for you if your husband started a business that used your kitchen and living room from 7 am to 6 pm daily.

I regularly look after a friend's dc and I would never dream of taking my dc put for a treat while the other dc watched

But your childminder did take your children out for a treat, along with hers. The treat was the day out at the activity. In addition to that, and unusually, she chose to buy her child something, or we don't know to allow her child to spend pocket money/birthday money on a bear kit, which the child then made at home. In her own house.

but this is a situation where one particular child will get while they always won't

This has happened once. Once. Apart from a zoo trip where her child was bought a cuddly toy, a full year ago. Numerous other trips have involved her asking you to send spending money with your child. And you say that you are very happy with this childminder, and that she has an excellent relationship with your children. Are you really precious enough to stop sending your children to a childminder you say is excellent because of your ungrounded fears they are being sidelined for her own child?

Having read this I'm glad none of my dc' Childminders still had children at home. I didn't realise I was expected to make adjustments for their dc feeling put out at the job that was enabling their mother to be there for every drop off and pick up. I teach, so should my classes feel bad for the massive impact my job has on my family life?

This doesn't sound right. But maybe the child had birthday money and paid for it themselves. But it would have been kinder to have built it upstairs or when minded children had gone home.
When we run brownie trips, this is one reason we try not to have parent helpers.
Some parents despite being told that as a helper you need to take all the girls into consideration and not favour one child, ignore this and head off to buy their child sweets a toy etc.

Having read this I'm glad none of my dc' Childminders still had children at home. I didn't realise I was expected to make adjustments for their dc feeling put out at the job that was enabling their mother to be there for every drop off and pick up. I teach, so should my classes feel bad for the massive impact my job has on my family life?

No one is asking the OP to make any adjustments, only to have a basic understanding of the complexities for any decent childminder of fairly balancing the needs of their own young children with their mindees in a one-off 'treat' situation during the summer holidays.

Unless you actually teach in your own home, and your child is in your class and you are having to juggle her needs against the needs of the other children, it's hardly equivalent.

Surely if you childmind that's a job like any other so for all those saying their children miss out find another job. You're not doing it as a favour someone is paying you for caring for their child. OP I think the childminder was wrong. She's a professional at work who is lucky enough to bring her own child with her so her behaviour was wrong.

Wow, Emmi. What did the class teacher think of that?! I would have been really quite cross and you wouldn’t have been helping on any more trips.

Op- it is unacceptable behaviour from the cm.

If a parent complained that my child bought themselves something and the childminded child didn't get anything, honestly I would be gently suggesting they might be happier in a holiday club.

All I am saying is ask her have a conversation there may well be a very good reason like a special tour being broken by a mindee and it being to compensate.
At school it happens all the time staff children getting best parts in plays being a prime example and children being rewarded for full attendance with parties and outings which a child attending hospital appointments for long standing conditions has no hope of ever getting. Stickers and reward schemes for children with problem behaviour

OP- I would feel uncomfortable about this too.

I wouldn't have gone to the shop at all. You said she has asked you to send spending money in the past, so maybe she thought you had made a conscious decision not to send spending money this time? I still wouldn't have made the bear in front of everyone though, unless it was more of a collaborative effort. The bear will probably end up being shared with all the mindees anyway. Had she set up an activity for your children and they chose to watch / help instead? Without being there it's impossible to tell I'd just have a chat with her and gauge your reaction from that.

I agree with Jannier and SMaCM that you really need to find out what actually happened before you make any assumptions.

Teachers often complain that children tell their parents inaccurate versions of things that happen at school.
Childminders have the same problem.

True Tanith - my father was a teacher and used to tell parents "I'll believe half of what they tell me about you, if you believe half of what they tell you about me".

@Tanith that's exactly what we mean thankyou. Children often come out with inaccurate accounts I've had them blame children who were not even there on the day. Moan about not being fair becouse they couldn't have a toy when actually they were not playing with it first but expected to take it becouse they wanted it and then have the parent say well x should have let her have it. I've had siblings back each other up and outright lie even when I've seen what happened all normal kids stuff.
There are times and reasons why a child is allowed something that another isnt nothing to do with who the child belongs to but so many love to hang the childminder without a trial.

I doubt if she actually made them sit and watch her make the bear- they would have had other things they could have done or played with. I buy things for my own children and not minded children- I just explain that it's for my dc and I'll sort something else out for them at home.
Children need to understand that they can't always get something every time.