Child persistently bitten

[nickname7890]

Hello

My daughter is 20 moths old. For last 8 weeks she has been bitten 6 times by the same child at the childminder. Twice the skin has been broken. The childminder doesn't even tell us it's happened, and we are left to discover it when my daughter is in the bath.
We have complained And the childminder blames my daughter saying oh that time she took the toy off the biter (she won't tell me who it is but I think it's another girl a bit older) or she said oh your daughter needs to learn to share as that's why she was bitten

When we complained last time she childminder then complained back about my daughter saying she pulled hair and they had to separate her and put her in a room on her own for thirty minutes ( I was shocked - who does that to a child for pushing ?!). My daughter is very energetic but in all play dates or when we go to play centres I have never seen her be troublesome but I'm not in denial about what any child can do.

The issue is - what can they do? I understand kids bite. But seriously there must be something-be vigilant when they are in same room, don't put them next to each other, ensure they speak to the other child's parents, look into counselling the biter? Is there anything else we can do?

we are expecting number 2 in a matter of weeks and I am reluctant to change my daughters childcare so close to a massive change. She smiles when we go in and doesn't cry when I pick her up so I've never seen her being unhappy but what sort of it parent would I be to keep sending her back again and again?

Please advise- I feel they aren't taking it seriously and just blaming my daughter when I do complain. Pushing is one thing- breaking the skin is another

Strawberrypenguin

Thank you for sharing
My dream scenario is that we find a solution as I can't see any other issues with it
I don't know how to tackle the conversation with the childminder on Monday. The last time my husband complained about biting and it not being in the boom was about 4 weeks ago and interestingly only since then has she mentioned my daughter being challenging. So possibility is it's a defence mechanism and/or my daughters behaviour has begun since then in response to the biting picking up again

Thanks for explaining about the au pair, I didn't realise they couldn't look after children younger than 2.

I'd be concerned about the biting obviously but if she's actually leaving a twenty month old in a room on her own for half an hour there is no chance I would be sending my child back there, ever. That really stuck out for me.

I understand you wanting to be around in September but I don't think that trumps what's happening now.

Do you don't get paid maternity leave then? I'm confused about the unpaid leave as you can take maternity leave any time after 29 weeks.

I don't get paid maternity leave -just statutory
But I work in commission which is pro rata and I don't get the full amount due if I take any unpaid leave this year ie before March

But surely your mat leave will be the same length over all and any loss incurred from the commission would be countered by not having to pay any child minder fees for ythe next 6 months??

If you aren't going to move her, I'd ask her to explain exactly what happened on that time out, that you don't want it done again, why you aren't getting notification of bites, what is she doing to manage biting, what she is referring to regarding challenging behaviour, how she's going to manage that appropriately which isn't going to involve time outs, and I'd also complain about her trying to infer your daughter in anyway brings the biting on herself.

If you find it difficult on pick up/drop off could you write an email over the weekend and ask to have some time Monday morning to discuss?

The consensus on the thread is everyone would move her, but we only have the snapshot of this thread. Find out exactly what's going on.

I'm curious over the half an hour time out, it sounds so awful. Did she maybe mean she'd put her to play somewhere else or something? I put mine to play in different areas sometimes if they are all wound up, need some quiet time etc.

At the end of the day I think you need to go with your gut on this, speak to her and make your decision from there.

Your child is being abused by this childminder, and still you keep sending her back. "Time out" for a 20 month old is 5 minutes sitting on the naughty step in full view of the carer. 30 minutes by herself is abuse. If you had an elderly parent in care and they were bitten and locked away by themselves, would you tolerate it?? Childcare is supposed to be a loving and nurturing environment, a home from home, not a place of abuse. Take the financial hit and get your child out now!

I'm utterly gobsmacked that you're putting finances over your daughters safety. You don't seem to be listening to the numerous posters who have said your daughter is being assaulted and neglected by this child minder. So long as you get your commission though OP that's what matters 

I appreciate that you are worrying about finances and wanting to ensure you have as much money as possible for when you go on maternity leave but YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST AND REMOVE FROM THE CM IMMEDIATELY!!

I cannot believe that you are still going to send your child back to this CM after what you have told us in this thread.

Please listen to everyone here, it is pretty unanimous that your CM is at best neglecting your child. This can potentially be very damaging to your child's development.

I am a cm and I say do not send her back.

I have had bitters , part of the job . Some are reactivist some are really sneaky . I had one bite a new child who was sat on my lap no reason ( possible didn’t want me cuddling new child) but walked up smiling. However bite was cleaned , both sets of parents were informed.

I don’t like the way your dd is been blamed and I am also appalled Your dd was left alone for 30 minutes. Children that age don’t share , encouraging side by side play is usual.

I would put your complaint in writing . Ask for complaints procedure.

I think your dd is possibly acting up there but for very good reason . Any child that was bitten here would be given lots of care and attention not the other way round

Thank you for the responses (not so much the judgments)
I am not "putting finances first"
I need finances to pay for her to go to childcare
As I explained above I had bad PND last time and I need to prepare for this as I may not be able to care for her
This happened on Thursday and I am meeting the setting on Monday
I cannot just walk out of my job I need t to pay for her mortgage for the house we live in which provides shelter for our family
I don't have any support nearby
So please be mindful before you judge
I post because I care and am looking for guidance at what is a very stressful tome at the end of what has been a very stressful pregnancy
I always put my daughter first but she goes in smiling and when I pick up runs off into the garden to show me what she is playing with
She isn't red faced from crying
Finances are considerations of course - they provide for my daughters well being
If my next child is as poorly as my daughter was when born I need to have money to pay to support my daughter through that difficult tome. Finances are of course a consideration but secondary to my daughters wellbeing as I said above

I am not a bad mother and I always put my child first but I have only learnt of this 48 hours ago and I need to make a rational decision before pulling her out and throwing her in somewhere else. There are limited options near us, I have emailed countless nurseries and childminders and nannies since my daughter came home but so far no luck perhaps because it's the end of the week
I have secured a place for her at a nursery from January but they won't take her until the end of the month when she turns two
And still then it is only 2.5 hours a day

Starlight345- thank you for sharing it is helpful to gage what takes place in abnormal setting. This is my first and I have been made to feel like my daughter is the problem and biting is common

For clarity - it is not a case of not pulling her out
It's a case of how I manage this process. As I said, I see a happy child running to the door when I drop her off and we have loved this setting for her much more than the nursery she initially went to which we pulled her out of. So I feel saddened and felt that I owed it to speak to the CM before pulling out my daughter

Ffs..how is this not obvious..don't send her back...your childminder is not fit for purpose,and needs reporting to ofsted

You owe it to the childminder?????? Dear god...your child has been bit 8 fucking times .on her ...on her watch .....clearly she is not fit for purpose..your child needs to be safe..

5 times and yes I want to do the decent thing and have a conversation with her
I don't pick my daughter up so I have only spoken to her on the phone.

Change childminder. Report to Ofsted. She is not following appropriate guidelines.

OP, some thought for your meeting with the CM on Monday.

You need to make notes of all the incidents to date. You should ask to see her behaviour management policy and her complaints policy, although you should have seen/had copies of all of this when your child started with her.

You need to explain calmly that frequent biting incidents and 30 minutes solitary confinement is not acceptable. Ask her how she plans to protect your child going forward and whether she has spoken to biting child's parents. She should be working with the parents to manage the situation.

Ask her for the paperwork for each biting incident. She should be filling in a form each time this happens and should be asking you to sign to confirm you have been made aware.

Mention the scabs on your child's bottom and ask her is she's noticed.

Ask her for details/incidents of your child's challenging behaviour. I bet she won't be able to think of any on the spot and has used this as an excuse for not monitoring the biting.

If she comes out with a whole list of things ask her why, if your child is so bad, she has not mentioned this before. She is not working in partnership with parents which she should be.

Tell your CM that you want to resolve the situation and work with her to do this. If she's a decent CM she will take on board all of this and be happy to work with you.

Is your CM actually Ofsted registered? The lack of paperwork and flouting safeguarding regulations is something she could be shut down for so for her to be acting so unprofessionally I wonder whether she's even registered.

As regards your child going in happy and coming home happy, it could be that she has just accepted the situation which is worrying in itself as your child is very vulnerable to accepting potentially abusive behaviour not just now but in the future.

Good luck for Monday. I hope it works out but in my honest opinion I couldn't send my child back to her.

Please do not ever send your daughter back to her, if you do you are failing in your duty to protect her from harm.

Money does not come into this, it is about your daughters wellbeing. Take time off work. Go on sick leave but do not let,your daughter keep going back to that unsafe environment, if you do you are guilty of neglect. Nothing in life is more important than the safety and well-being of your child.

Also please report her to ofsted and send copies of texts and messages out of her book as the childminder is a disgrace to the profession and is failing to safeguard children in her care.

I cannot emphasise how important this is. Good luck x

30 minute time out for a 20 month old that can’t speak yet? Child returned with bite marks without any warning or explanation? Bloody ridiculous. I feel bad for your little girl.

The childminder has a duty of care to let you know if she’s been hurt or is hurting others. It doesn’t really matter who initiated it, the childminder needs to sort it out. Time out can be given at that age but for only 2 minutes or so- or maybe a toy is taken away. I wouldn’t want to leave my child with someone so incapable with children.

Ah well because she is happy going in when you drop her off, doesn't matter she's being left in a room for 30 minutes on her own or being repeatedly bitten, both which must be painful and upsetting and confusing for her. I'm done, there's no getting through to you OP.

PrincessScarlett- thank you so much, this is so helpful.
We have lined up our alternatives - its been a long day and 3 sleepless nights ahead of an amnio I am having on Monday for the baby, this is a very difficult period.
Inspite of what some insensitive and judgmental posters say, I do care and I am looking for the best but I need to understand what has happened and I need to hear what they say about my daughters behaviour as if she does have any behavioural issues I would like to know how to address them so that she does not struggle at the next place. Wishing to discuss with the CM does not mean I am guilty of neglect or looking to expose my daughter to abuse. She is my world and I do EVERYTHING within my power to help her, but thorwing her into the next available childcare setting is equally not the answer.

I thank everyone who has posted practical, constructive and supportive posts. The deciison to pull her out is obvoius and inevitable, it is the process of how I go about htis, and the options I have in finding her replacement care that I am looking for and your suggestions and support has been fantastic, thank you. x

You're welcome OP. I'm glad you have managed to find some alternatives for childcare. Hopefully you will find an amazing CM, there are lots about. It makes me sad and angry that your current CM's actions give the rest of us a bad name.

I think you should go to the meeting with an open mind, and try to establish the facts.

Biting and behaviour issues are very emotive issues on which many people have strong, but ill-considered opinions. Much of what’s been written on this thread I’d OTT and unhelpful to your situation. It’s as if some posters enjoy exaggerating and distorting the little we know to paint the biter as 'evil' and the childminder as the devil incarnate. As if that’s not enough, they have then extended this 'logic' to suggest you’re a bad mum for keeping the child there.

You should speak your mind and demand answers, along the lines of what PrincessScarlett has detailed. You should also listen to what the cm has to say: she may have some valid explanations.

It’s then down to you to decide if this arrangement could still work. I think that would require the cm making some significant improvements. But, without being judgmental, you may have to make some adjustments yourself, as it may be necessary to address aspects of your child's behaviour too.

More likely, you’ll end up looking for a new childcare provider. But that may still mean accepting some uncomfortable realities. For one thing, biting is far more common than most people are prepared to accept, and the solutions are not as simple as some here seem to believe.

I agree with that, all mine have been bitten more than once. As I had a biter I can appreciate they can move like lightening.

Could be sat there playing nicely then whoosh.

HauntedPencil

As per your earlier post, I too am curious about the "time out". I think it was initially described something like "put in a room on her own for 30 minutes." That description could cover any number of scenarios from the totally innocuous to the downright dreadful.

At one end of the scale, she could have been separated from some kind of scuffle, been placed in the next room within sight/hearing of the cm, and played contentedly for half an hour. At the other, she could have been shut away and ignored. We don’t know. Only the cm knows for sure and, as you say, the OP is absolutely due a full explanation.

It says a lot that so many posters have, on next to no evidence, jumped to the worst conclusions and seem to believe the child was cruelly shut away in the manner of some latter day Mrs Rochester. At least one earlier contributor actually inflated this so far a sign to say the child has been "locked up".

Such distortions, coupled with The excessively emotive tones employed, make it very difficult to keep things in perspective. This probably explains why the poor OP I still getting dog's abuse instead of some decent advice and support.

While we’re on the subject, does anybody else think it’s right that the tone of this thread should turn against the OP just because she has an au pair?

Good luck today OP.