Child persistently bitten

[nickname7890]

Hello

My daughter is 20 moths old. For last 8 weeks she has been bitten 6 times by the same child at the childminder. Twice the skin has been broken. The childminder doesn't even tell us it's happened, and we are left to discover it when my daughter is in the bath.
We have complained And the childminder blames my daughter saying oh that time she took the toy off the biter (she won't tell me who it is but I think it's another girl a bit older) or she said oh your daughter needs to learn to share as that's why she was bitten

When we complained last time she childminder then complained back about my daughter saying she pulled hair and they had to separate her and put her in a room on her own for thirty minutes ( I was shocked - who does that to a child for pushing ?!). My daughter is very energetic but in all play dates or when we go to play centres I have never seen her be troublesome but I'm not in denial about what any child can do.

The issue is - what can they do? I understand kids bite. But seriously there must be something-be vigilant when they are in same room, don't put them next to each other, ensure they speak to the other child's parents, look into counselling the biter? Is there anything else we can do?

we are expecting number 2 in a matter of weeks and I am reluctant to change my daughters childcare so close to a massive change. She smiles when we go in and doesn't cry when I pick her up so I've never seen her being unhappy but what sort of it parent would I be to keep sending her back again and again?

Please advise- I feel they aren't taking it seriously and just blaming my daughter when I do complain. Pushing is one thing- breaking the skin is another

I currently look after a biter and know I cannot let her out of my sight around the other children. Unfortunately the first time it happened I wasn't aware of the issue (parents take note - ALWAYS tell your childminder!) and filled in an accident form and informed both parents.
Yes it's hard work hovering over a playing child but I know if another child so much as takes a toy she wants she'll react with a bite so have no choice until I'm confident she's past that phase.

I would be having stern words and removing my child in your shoes.

Change childminders. Bites can be very difficult to prevent as they happen so quickly, but not telling you about it and even blaming the victim is disgraceful. I used to mind two little girls, on about 4 occasions one bit the other one, it happened so suddenly I couldn't prevent it. One of the times I was actually sitting between them and next thing she leaned over and bit the other child with no provocation. It was so, so stressful. Difficult as it was I informed the parents each time. Time out is not appropriate at 20 months either. I think your childminder doesn't have a clue and I would be replacing her asap.

yes. my greatest concern is that 1. they didnt even notice 2. they say my daughter is displaying challenging behaviour - how do weknow this isnt when she is bitten? 3. isnt 21 months far too young for "Disiciplining" and "time out"? 4. I understand children bite, but thi shas been frequent recurrent biting. surely there needs to be a plan going forward, that does not involve disciplining my "challenging" 21 month old (isnt this known for being a challenging time?)

neither of us can take time off as we have it saved and booked for after the baby comes, to support our daughter through that time.

I've cared for children who bite. They are VERY fast. I've filled in a form each time, except once where a child was bitten on the back and I hadn't seen it. She cried, but I couldn't see why. I never blamed the victim. Even if they had pulled hair, snatched a toy, or whatever, they don't deserve to be bitten and if the CM saw them doing one of these things, they should know what would happen next and step in to prevent it. I hope the biters parents are also being informed, even though there's not much they can do about it.

If she has 2 biters and a difficult child, then I suggest the children she cares for are either bored or inadequately supervised.

Your CM sounds like she doesn't like your child very much. I would find a new CM immediately. Unsupervised solitary confinement for 30 mins for a 20 month old is completely unacceptable. I would consider reporting to Ofsted for this alone.

It does sound like the CM cannot handle the number of children she has and/or is not supervising them properly.

Please be assured that there are lovely CMs out there and your daughter might be better off with one of them, even with the new baby etc.

I agree, moving her might be less stressful for you over the coming months

Your childminder is being incredibly unprofessional, not only are you not being told about these instances or given any kind of incident report to sign, she left your child in a time out in another room for 30 minutes!!
OP, I am a childminder and everything you wrote in your first post about the care your child receives (or doesn't) from your childcare provider is worrying to say the least.
I know that it's impossible to have 100% attention on the child at all times, especially if she has 3 under 5, has nappies to do and lunches to make etc but, after the first time you're chid was bitten the children doing the biting would be watched like hawks. You should have at least been told at pick up and if it had broken the skin you should have had a phone call. They should also be documented somewhere.
If I were you I'd be looking for alternative childcare. If she was to have Ofsted any time soon I'm sure they would have a field day with her lack of paperwork.

And as for a 20 month old showing challenging behaviour?? 
I'd be concerned if a 20 month old that I looked after didn't push boundaries, they are little humans learning their own independence. That's the exact milestones she should be hitting (even though the terrible twos can be challenging )
How long has she been childminding for OP? Does she have children of her own? She really doesn't sound very experienced.

So many things wrong with this.

Firstly I'd like to address the poster who said that their child had never bitten nor been bitten before therefore it isn't inevitable. I agree. It isn't inevitable. But children DO bite. Not all, not even most. But some do bite. It is very hard as a parent and childcarer to have a biter.

Next, the victim blaming is wrong. Your child was bitten 6 times. Once or twice I can understand, you can't stop it always as it happens so fast.. But 6 times is way too much.

The next thing, locking your 20 month old in a room for 30 mins is absolutely shocking. I 100% would not trust her after this. Your child is not even at talking properly stage yet. I am gobsmacked that she even admitted this to you and I'd be seriously worried about what else she may be hiding from you.

Your child may well he displaying challenging behaviour, parents are often blind to their children's behaviour because they don't want to think of their child misbehaving, but it wouldn't be a reflection on the parent. Children aren't built to be well behaved from day 1. They learn these skills. So it's totally ok for children to display challenging behaviours. It is how we deal with these situations. For example, being very open with everyone who looks after the child to make sure disciplining is similar in all settings.
Everyone has different opinions on the naughty step/ corner. I personally don't agree with it as I don't believe it actually addresses the behaviour. Children are clever little things and love learning, they learn best from us talking with them rather than shouting.

Anyway, I'm going on a bit of a tangent now, sorry!

If you can afford it, I'd definitely recommend a nanny, maybe a younger one doing a degree or something. I had my first nanny job as a student at university and it was great and I was a lot cheaper than more experienced nannies. Since you're going to be around this may be am option.

Good luck!

Forgot to add. Does the child minder have any children of her own? I'm wondering if it could be her own child biting and that's why she's blaming yours?

Please change your childminder!

Yes, biters can be incredibly fast, I’ve worked with several, but your childminder should be being highly vigilant and working on distraction techniques and activities and be able to outline her strategies to you so that you can see she is doing all she can.

Legally, not reporting accidents and incidents she is on very shaky ground, and this combined with secluding your dd for 30 mins (which breaks my heart to think of, so I can imagine how you felt in hearing this) would for me equal a phonecall to ofsted, no questions.

I’ve worked in early years all my working life, this is appalling bad practice and reportable. The biters’ parent should also be aware of any incidents (excluding all names) and a plan put in place if this is a repeated behaviour. Equally, if she is correct and your child is displaying challenging behaviour, you should be involved in putting strategies and sanctions in place for her and you to both use together at home and at the minders.

Your childminder is not safeguarding your child, please get out.

Thank you everyone
Monday we are meeting the childminder and t could not come soon enough

You won't believe this but she came home with another mark last night
This one is smaller it's like a really bad scratch but raised and bruised

Also her bottom has scabs all over it which again I cannot believe no one noticed when changing her. The Aupair changed her he night before and morning of Friday so I never noticed. We are taking her to Gp today and hopefully can discuss these marks.

I checked the communication book with childminder which we receive every Friday.
She had written he most horrendous account of my daughter - saying that she received the text from me about the bite, my daughter is only one bitten nd is it "a consequence of her own actions" as she doesn't like to share and she "won't leave the. Biters alone" whereas the other children have learned to so they don't get bitten .
She said that it is a family environment so my request to separate them will not be accepted (I didn't mean different rooms. I meant give them all a breather and get them onto different activities)

I promise I am not a mother blind to my daughters flaws. I would be the first to say she is acting up or she is bad at sharing. However having spend 2 weeks this summer with her cousins (age 1-4) who she never met before, I never ever saw an issue. Last week we took her to a playgroup on the weekend and a boy wanted a ball she was playing with and she offered it to him. When we went on holiday a few weeks ago with friends 2 children all her age there was not once an issue with the limited toys available. It basically comes down to her word versus mine but she honestly has written such a hideous and distressing account of my daughter. She also asked in the book for us to tell her what we want to discuss on Monday. Do you think she is preparing a defence?

Lastly do you think I should text her this morning about the other bite/strange mark and about her bottom ? It's not happy rash it's honestly very strange- about 5 big scabs around her back passage (sorry-tmi!) she has been on antibiotics maybe it's That ?! But also she in the last week had a red nappy rash style bottoms and she has v unreactive skin and has actually never in her life had nappy rash so I can't understand and wonder if she is being neglected/they aren't changing her?

If it was me (and it wouldn't be), I wouldn't be expecting to see the parents or child again. I would just expect a letter saying she was leaving. In an ideal world a child would attend for the notice period and everyone would have closure, but this is a safety issue.

I really can't believe you're considering sending her back on Monday. I understand all of the reasons you have come up with that you can't pull her out but she is being repeatedly hurt, left alone for 30 minutes, and now you've had discovered horrendous marks on her bottom.

You're daughters safety needs to come first over anything else. Would you continue to go in to work where someone was biting you and locking you in a room on your own for 30 minutes. I highly doubt it.

The childminder needs reporting to OFSTED. She sounds horrendous and abusive

This all sounds terrible OP, I wouldn't be keeping my child with an adult who cannot control the children she is supposed to be responsible for and thinks it's acceptable to lock a toddler away for half an hour. That is shocking. And then the unexplained marks on your DDs bottom sound really worrying, I would be wanting an explanation and if one wasn't given I would be reporting the CM. How many children is she minding? Because as far as I'm aware she can have a maximum of three toddlers which should be easy to supervise and stop any bad behaviour, does she have more children than the ratios allow? This sounds like a horrible experience for your DD and at this age where they can't communicate a whole lot I wouldn't want to risk them being at harm and not able to tell anyone. I'd pull her out and lose the money, although you could try and challenge her on that by pointing out she hasn't been recording injuries and accidents properly and you removing your daughter is due to safety concerns because of her negligence, she may be guilted into refunding you if she thinks you won't report. Still report her though, she sounds like she should never be supervising children alone.

Really you need to pull her out. Write a letter to the childminder explaining why. Keep hold of the communication book. I would also report her to ofsted.

Move her. She sounds absolutely shit.

I just don't see how you can even contemplate sending her back. If you have time off saved to support her when the baby comes, use it now, now is when she needs it. Start your mat leave early, give her a few months with you and look for better childcare in that time. You mention an au pair???

Hi OP

I feel where you’re coming from, pressure about upcoming maternity leave and difficulties you had with DC as a newborn. Plus the month deposit and funds being short. Lots of pressures at a very stressful time for you.

However, this can’t go on. You need to protect your daughter. Additionally,now the childminder has finally written something about biting in the book but also that your daughter is challenging - sounds as though maybe she is lining up things to no longer have your daughter.

You mention an au pair. Can you either increase her hours (and pay with funds that would normally go to child minder), even just temporarily until you work out another arrangement, or find alternative live in help paying the combined salary of au pair and child minder so the costs to you are the same? This carer can then take your daughter to playgroups for socialising with other children.

I haven’t had need of childminders in many, many years. However, in the past I had one I gave notice to when moving out of the area do no issues about funds but one we fired as she was taking my son with her to work at a burger bar (cash in hand) while also meant to be minding my child in her home. There was no deposit and of course we did not pay her in lieu of notice.

Perhaps other MNers can advise how you can get your deposit back as chilminder has (1) failed to safeguard your daughter from repeated biting (2) failed to write up/record these incidents with correct paperwork ( is she in breach of set rules?) (3) is indicating your daughter is a problem (causing herself to be bit) and is perhaps opening dialogue to end arrangement therefore your deposit should be refunded.

With these factors, I’m hoping there’s a way to end the arrangement and get your deposit back without having to give requisite notice. I’m just not savvy in that area but seems as though you have cause.

How are you paying an au pair when you can't afford to leave work a few weeks early? And surely you don't need the childminder if you have an au pair and you're going to be on mat leave anyway very shortly?

This is the worst childminder in history by the way. You need to report her to anyone you can.

Find another childminder or a nursery. You can't trust this one and she sounds unprofessional.

My son had similar at nursery with the difference that he was a bit older and could tell me who it was. The fourth time he'd been bitten hard by this child in a month I'm afraid I lost my shit.
Asked my child to tell me in front of the staff who had bitten him (which they didn't like) and threw around lots of words like 'safeguarding' 'letting down both children' (mine and the biter) demanded to know why biter wasn't supervised more closely. We had a meeting after with the manager and it never happened again.

Costacoffeecup
We pay for the aupir at the moment because I am working
If I stop early I need to take unpaid leave which impacts on my overall pay due to my pay structure at work and also I need to start as late as possible so I can be at home when my daughter starts nursery in September
Finally we don't want to have to send the aupir home we rely on her however my daughter is under 2 and it is contrary to regulations to have her in sole charge
I would never put my daughter at risk of course not.l, not for the sake of money
But I need to keep my head and consider the long term as well. I see my daughter smiling going in and leaving so it's hard for me to know how bad his is. This is second nursery we tried and also 3rd Aupair (the others left because of family death and illness) so I am aware she has been transferred around a lot
So I am wary to rush to another temporary solution taking into account this is my daughters entire world and I don't want her to feel displaced