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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

How to help the au pair settle in/bond with my DD

54 replies

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 16:33

So I had my new au pair start with us on Friday. She seemed lovelywhen we interviewed her and she has been in touch constantly over the past month.

This week in the lead up to the school starting - my DH and I are taking it in turns to work from home while the au pair and DD settle in. My DD can be shy but in general is very kind and listens to instructions and is very affectionate. But somehow they dont seem to have gelled. I realise it's early days but my DD who is 7 ust seems sad and teary eyed. Today i have had to step in and sperate them twice as teh au pair and she got into a "yes you did", "no you didnt" argument. The au pair sounded like she was 7 as well. :D I totally get kids are tough and my DD can drive me up the wall sometimes. This is our second au pair and with the first one they just hit it off straight away.

I have told DD, she has to listen to the au pair and she is the adult. I have told au pair she is the adult and needs to lay the rules but getting into a you - you argument is futile. This au pair comes with child care experience and has watched kids this age.

So my question is - what are you best tips for me to help them gel? Obviously need them both to be happy for this to work.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rubyslippers · 04/09/2018 16:58

You have to keep an eye
Maybe your DD aid having trouble adjusting to a new au pair especially if she really liked the previous one

With the au pair you have to be super clear about boundaries and what’s expected - remember they are part of your family and families have disagreements

I also think a week long settling in period could be unsettling for both - with my au pairs it’s a days induction and then they get on with it!

Is the au pair happy? How old is she?

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 17:12

the au pair is 20 - my plan was actually to go to work tomorrow but looking at how today has been i am worried. I do want this to work well for all of us. I sent my DD down a while ago but now the au pair has been on the phone for a long time when she is meant to be with DD. I will have a chat with her about boundaries tonight. the earlier au pair as a short term one and had only been with us 6 weeks and had to leave due to a family situation. I did think DD might be unsettled because of that.

The au pair seemed very happy and we were pleased on Friday and Sa, Sun. She seems a lovely girl but i wonder if she just fnds DD difficult? DD is very shy and takes time to open up - I was very honest about that but i know the reality is different to hearing it on Skype. I am not going to interrupt her call now - am sure she is as stressed as I am and needs a venting channel. I will talk to her over a cup of tea tonight.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 04/09/2018 17:18

Sounds like your DD may be a little unsettled - you do have to go to work at some point and perhaps you being around is unnerving ?

Re being on the phone - it’s not a dealbreaker but why is she having such long phone calls? Is she also homesick?

Have a chat over a cuppa and talk to her about how how it’s going etc and her thoughts

sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 17:31

Anyone good with children wouldn't get into that sort of petty argument - for one it's childish and two you just wind the child up to frustration.

Perhaps ask the au pair how's she's finding things, if there's anything you can do to help.

Also, have you gone over your expectations of dd, any discipline rules you have (eg warning then time out) and ensure you're on the same page and that she knows what "force" she can use when dd may start to play up (inevitable) Also would be good to tell her what best works with dd to keep her occupied or what would distract her when she's being strong willed. Basically, give her the ammunition to deal with her if she's not naturally doing so (which it doesn't sound like she is)

Best of luck and best wishes. Try not to worry, she'll learn slowly what works best and if not hopefully you have a good enough rapport to address this in time.

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 17:59

thanks @rubyslippers yeah the arguing and winding up is what wprried me especially as she has work experience with kids. MY DD is strong willed - I had a cuppa with the au pair and didnt say anything just asked her how she was coping etc. she says everything is fine and the the children she worked with "werent like this." I have given her a pep talk and gone over again the best ways of working with my DD - i have told her raising her voice isnt acceptable or effective. my DD is now so wound up she isnt in the mood to listen. I have told her off for being rude to the au pair and that she has to listen to the au pair. She is now playing angry guitar in her room - DD that is not the au pair. DD has apologised but i have judged it est to separate them for the day and am dreaming of red wine.

Is it too early? My WFH day ended up with me just refereeing and now i also have work to catch up on. Sorry for the long rant/whinge.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:03

Is it possible Dd doesn’t want to invest time in the new au pair after she bonded with the last one, who left (albeit with good reason) after 6 weeks?

sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:18

@bloopitybloop sounds hard, OP, and almost like you're mothering two siblings here at the moment!! In my opinion (part time nanny) the au pair really needs to step up, get off her high horse (other kids weren't like this ?! Wtf?!) be the adult here and work on bonding with her and respecting your guidelines on how to "deal with" her (I hate this phrase but you know what I mean)

rubyslippers · 04/09/2018 18:25

I have had several au pairs so am a veteran
It does take time for everyone to settle in but the au pair needs to step up too
If it doesn’t significantly improve over the next week or so you may have to have reconsider

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 18:34

thanks @RubySlippers I am feeling a bit hopeful. my DD is now all penitent and has drawn a Sorry card.

DH has decided to work from a local coffee shop so he is close by if needed but not at home. The amount of energy it takes to find and recruit an au pair i am currently wondering if its worth it.

Thanks for the support the au pair seems lovely with me but DD clearly stressed her out today and i know DD can be a lot worse behaved than she was today - just worried if that would make her run for the hills. I started a new job last month so that isnt helping either .

OP posts:

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 18:42

@NotTakenUserName quite possible. our last au pair had to leave pretty much with hours notice - understandably and DD was heart broken.

@sirmione16 good to hear your perspective as a part time nanny and that INBU in expecting the au pair to invest more time in bonding with my daughter. Her saying the other children werent like this make a bit "huh" as that was literally in response to the first time my DD didnt immediately turn off the TV when she asked. Ofcourse DD should listen but i did feel the whole day like i was refereeing two siblings rather than having an adult to help me.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:52

It sounds like she has previous experience with the Von Trapps!

It’s possible she’s not very good at her job but got lucky with some very low maintenance well behaved children last time. Now she’s having to earn her crust!

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:11

@NotTalenUserName Von Trapp my child is not. She is far from being “difficult” but equally far from being “easy”

I thought I was being so Filene doing reference checks and chatting with the Mum of the kids she has watched before and she raved about her. I have capoed off by day having a disagreement with DH. I am off to have a glass of wine and forget
Today happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:24

@NotTakenUserName * bloody fat fingers and i havent even started on the wine yet.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:25

I’m hugely pregnant so I’m just jealous of the mention of wine!

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:28

would you rather just have the whine?

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:31

I would like to whine. And whine and whine! But I don’t think I’d get stopped if I start...

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:33

That's kinda where i am now and my whole disagreement with DH was because he dared to interrupt me when i was in a good rhythm - doesnt he know me at all?

OP posts:

BerriesandLeaves · 04/09/2018 19:37

Is it possible she is self conscious with you nearby and is tense as a result? I would be. Maybe she'd loosen up if you left them to it for a morning so they could bond.

vanillapieandicecream · 04/09/2018 20:21

Is there any way they could do something fun? Have a laugh together and a fun experience?

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 20:36

@BerriesAndLeaves quite possible which is why DH is going to work from a coffee shop than home tomorrow.

@vanillapieandicecraam am thinking of asking the au pair to take DD for an icecrewm tomorrow

OP posts:

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 06/09/2018 06:34

We are having a similar issue with our dd who is really easy going. The au pair is constantly nagging her which pushes my dd away. The au pair is lovely though but I think her up bringing was very different so she’s instilling things in my dd that she isn’t used to (and actually I don’t want). I’ve had a chat with her about the wonderful things she’s doing and suggested that xxxx way of disciplining doesn’t work. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 06/09/2018 14:51

@Nsbgsyebebdnd let me know how it goes !yday was better for us but the au pair seems to be pushing my DDs buttons - as you said her upbringing was very different and she says in her family children just obey - my DD is easy going but does have a mind of her own and that’s how we like it ! They both seem to have strong personalities that are right now clashing - I have had more chats with the au pair and will see how it goes in a few weeks. As school started again today - they will be forced to spend a few hours together by themselves each evening - let’s see if they bond or break

OP posts:

Original poster

bloopitybloop · 07/09/2018 22:47

@rubyslippers in your experience how long would you give it ? Today was her first day of picking up DD from school and watching her for 3 hours - while it seemed better DD is t happy and said that the au pair isn’t “nice” and doesn’t speak politely which puts her back up. She also said she yells - I have had a talk with her again and the au pair said she wasn’t yelling but talking over the TV / now DD has a thing against yelling so Iran quite possible that she mistook the. Loud voice for yelling but I have also noticed that the au pair can be a bit abrupt with DD - she is lovely but I think that’s her style ? Today she had the reception room , kitchen and DDs room all clean (I hadn’t even asked her to do that ) and a meal ready for us - again I hadn’t expected any of that - she was a bit upset that DD didn’t eat what she made but DD is super picky with
New food and I had told her that before.

I am soooo confused !

OP posts:

blueshoes · 08/09/2018 00:14

How old were the dcs the aupair previously minded? Younger children are easier to bond with, though harder work to care for.

What nationality is she?

Personally, I think the aupair is a little immature and not behaving like the adult. On top of that, there is a personality clash. The chances of this improving are quite slim. Your dd should feel relaxed with the aupair since they are going to be spending a lot of time together. To expect a 7 year old to constantly moderate her behaviour for an adult is unrealistic and sounds exhausting and unfair for your dd.

I'd agree with another poster to give this another week and if no improvement, to suggest that it is not working out and your aupair find another family (3-4 weeks should be sufficient time) and you look for a replacement. No point flogging a dead horse.

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 08/09/2018 06:53

You’ve been communicating everything well to your Au Pair. Have you noticed any change? It’s great she’s done loads around the house but I’m guessing that’s not your priority here! If she isn’t trying to adapt at all you haven’t got much choice. I’d Monitor how they’re interacting after your talks. If the au pair isn’t trying to change at all long term this is going to frustrate you more and more.
After the talk with our au pair I can see she’s trying but not completely succeeding yet in curbing the constant telling offs!

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