How to help the au pair settle in/bond with my DD

[bloopitybloop]

So I had my new au pair start with us on Friday. She seemed lovelywhen we interviewed her and she has been in touch constantly over the past month.

This week in the lead up to the school starting - my DH and I are taking it in turns to work from home while the au pair and DD settle in. My DD can be shy but in general is very kind and listens to instructions and is very affectionate. But somehow they dont seem to have gelled. I realise it's early days but my DD who is 7 ust seems sad and teary eyed. Today i have had to step in and sperate them twice as teh au pair and she got into a "yes you did", "no you didnt" argument. The au pair sounded like she was 7 as well. :D I totally get kids are tough and my DD can drive me up the wall sometimes. This is our second au pair and with the first one they just hit it off straight away.

I have told DD, she has to listen to the au pair and she is the adult. I have told au pair she is the adult and needs to lay the rules but getting into a you - you argument is futile. This au pair comes with child care experience and has watched kids this age.

So my question is - what are you best tips for me to help them gel? Obviously need them both to be happy for this to work.

@blueshoes the au pair is French and the children she cared for were 6 and 9. I had spoken at length to the Mum of the children she cared for and she said she was especially good with the 6 year old .

It’s so hard - the au pair and your DD sound like they’re clashing a bit but it’s up to the au pair to moderate her behaviour. Cleaning and cooking is good but being upset that your dadughter didn’t like the food is something she should have shrugged odd

We had an au pair who really didn’t get in with my oldest and they clashed - and it didn’t improve and she ended up leaving (before we asked her to go)

I’d give it another week and then see

Such a tricky thing especially Whig they’re living with yo

OP, culturally, the French style of childcare is quite different - the expectations are generally more on the child to be obedient than on the adult to model good behaviour. Not saying that is the reason the aupair is not moderating her behaviour for your dd (as every aupair is different and does not necessarily conform to cultural stereotypes) but it is worth considering it from that lens.

My French aupairs have not been particularly warm, flexible nor can do. Unless she shows she wants to improve, my instinct is to call it a day.

The other family may like a more authoritarian style. Apart from the personality fit with your dd, there is also the fit with the family to consider. It is not fair to the aupair to fit herself living away from home with a family where she is a square peg in a round hole as it can be quite dispiriting. The other family lapped her up and she could find another one where she fits in better.

You can be kind when having the 'talk' with her. Better to discuss now than when things have degenerated and the atmosphere in the house strained.

@blueshpes I should have said the other family was afrench and is in France - she was a nanny not an au pair.

Today is her day off - so DH, DD and Inare heading out for a family day: we will see how it goes - DH thinks I am over reacting and we need to give it a few more weeks.

I understand the cultural angle as am from child and child rearing is similar with expectations on child toeing the line and not the adult modelling - I get that every trip to India 😂

Our earlier au pair was also French and while she wasn’t warm she somehow seemed to click wirh DD - shame she had to leave in 6 weeks due to a family situation on her side - we are still in touch :( part of me just wats to give up on the au pair option and lean on school wrap around but that doesn’t work with my work hours and the flexibility of an au pair is handy

@blueshoes ^^ sorry for mangling your username.

OP, I had aupairs for 11 years and can probably write a book. I have only just stopped using them recently and the smile has still not come off my face.

I agree with you aupairs are the most flexible childcare option, which I why I persisted with them for so long. When it is good, it works very well. My hit rate has been one good, one bad, one tolerable. Sometimes I get a string of duds, which is bad luck.

My philosophy is that I don't put with a crap one and so I give a decent time to improve and probably give them the 'talk' around 3 months and they will be out before 4 months. In the meantime, dh and I (like you) have flexibility to work from home to paper over the cracks in childcare, which is a fact of life with using aupairs.

At least with aupairs, I get pain once a few months, whereas using less flexible childcare and rushing around with after school care I will get pain every single day.

One thing you mentioned about your aupair, apart from her lack of gelling with your dd and abrupt attitude, is the fact she was on the phone for a long time even though she was supposed to be looking after your dd. That is not on. If you are at work and cannot observe her, would she do the same and leave your dd to her devices? That is a safety issue at your dd's age, apart from taking the piss.

In addition, the other thing which was a little unusual is that if she was a nanny at her previous family, why would she take on an aupair position? It is a lot less pay and more housework. Maybe French aupairs are not paid as much or professionally qualified. What is her motivation for coming to the UK. Does she have anything else to go to after she finishes with you. I find that aupairs who don't have a life plan tend to be the bad ones. The good ones have something else lined up (like it being their gap year before they start university) and they attack the aupair role like they do the rest of their life i.e. with vigour and optimism. Perhaps just a coincidence ...

Another day of coming back home and Having both of them stressed - DD JS definitely not behaving even close to her best and seems to be pushing the au pairs buttons and the au pair isn’t letting things go either . DH has had a chat with the au pair and DD in the same room and
Separately. DD wont tell us what’s bothering her and DH thinks she also needs to learn to suck things up as well. We have made it clear to DD that in our absence she has to listen to the au pair . We are going to
Give it a day or so more and see how my goes. This is proving so stressful!

Similar here- think I’ll have to have another chat again. I’m never very good at bringing up issues so not looking forward to it!

@Nsbgsyebebdnd good luck ! It’s tough isn’t it as they are just teenagers - the au pair made DH very angry today and he is so calm - she basically told him he doesn’t know how to educate a child and if DD doeant listen the first time he has to make her. What she didn’t listen to was him asking her something silly and she said she didn’t want to which was fine by us /shrug

I have had a long chat with the au pair which wasn’t fun but told her to have a serious think and that we are the parents and we decide how to raise the child. Tomorrow is our final day of trying it - else we are going to call it a failed experiment.

DD is miserable poor thing and from a happy , keen to please child has turned into a grumpy rebel. Part of me wants to give up on au pairs but DH thinks we should
Try one more time

she basically told him he doesn’t know how to educate a child and if DD doeant listen the first time he has to make her.

I am sorry but an aupair does not get to talk like this to the host parents. I would not accept it from any employee in the workplace. There are nice ways of saying things in an appropriate way. It does not sound like she respects boundaries and in fact, may it clear she disrespects your dh. 24 hours to improve sounds about right.

It is up to you whether you want the hassle of aupairs going forwards. All I will say is when it works, it is like gold and you will wonder how you ever lived without her. You got a bad one but at least it is a no-brainer to move her on.

@blueshoes yup - I made it clear to
Her that it’s not on - I also told her we believe in DD modelling her behaviour after ours and we need to set a good example, DD was miserable last night - I personally don’t think it will work out but DH wants to give her a final chance - I get the culture clash but it’s the rigidity that bothers me.

If things don’t improve today - this week I was planning to offer her either one week notice or flight fare back home. does that sound fair?

From experience I can tell you it won’t get better. As annoying and awkward as it is you need to bring an end to it now. Research flights to her home town so you have that information to hand and can price things up if you ask her to leave.
No way should you have a young woman in your home upsetting the balance and taking it upon herself to judge your parenting. Absolutely not on. That’s not what your family need and there are many great APs out there who would love and respect living with you, and work hard to bond with your daughter. I’d recommend southern Mediterranean girls where families are a bit more exuberant 😀
It’s all well for your husband to say give one more chance but at the end if the day it’s probably you who has to manage the situation.

The conversation will be tricky so you can just turn it round and say that she is clearly unhappy and you’d like her to be happy and find another family. Get on to aupair world now!

@PurSiMouve I am in agreement with you - we will see how today goes but I met DH for lunch and I think hwe just didn’t want to make a decision when angry.

He actually does the lions share of managing the situation so I can’t really throw that at him - in many ways he’s calmer and More perceptive than me,

Update - we had the chat again and have decided to part ways - we have agreed on two weeks as per contract for her to either find a new family or fly back home.

It’s a shame as she was lovely in every other respect. I think we will give it one final shot and hope we end up third time lucky ! But we will look for someone to start in Jan and will take a break for a bit!

Well done for making that decision and going through with it. Can’t have been easy.

Glad you managed to come to a mutual decision with your aupair to part ways. All the best for January.

@Nsbgsyebebdnd it wasn’t easy especially as in every other way i liked her a
Lot but she and DD just didn’t gel and the au pair made it clear obedience is important to her. My DD also due to the strict staff has her back up now and has turned into a stubborn child I don’t recognise at all!

Sometimes I guess it’s just not meant to be. Back on au pair world now. If anyone has any tips on identifying a good au pair before they land here I would be grateful @blueshoes I am looking at you

OP, my aupair hit rate is pretty hit-and-miss but the best ones for me are the gap year students who have something to do after their aupair stint such as a university course. This means their time as an aupair is limited but they tend to try and maximise their time in the UK, which means they go out or actually study to improve their English. It also shows some ambition, that they want to better themselves, which tends to translate into their listening to instructions and trying to be helpful to the family and adapt .

I live in London. Almost every aupair says they want to improve their English. Very few actually do because once they were in London, all talk about English classes went out the window and they socialised with people who spoke their native language. I don't tend to take "I want to improve my English and learn about English culture" particularly seriously as a life plan. This is just my observation and may be specific only to London or a big city in UK or the aupairs I attract.

Gulp. That must have been tricky but probably for the best I’d say!

What now? Narrow down one or two counties. I’ve had best experience with Spanish girls and also I’ve heard great things about Italian girls. I say girls, but I think over 23 or so is best, graduates who gave a real reason to be in uk and have something to go to. We’ve had very good experiences and the au pairs gave all stayed in touch.

I have French family and ime the parenting is very much command and control. I’m not criticising that but it doesn’t fit with everyone’s family. Have a read of the book/ reviews of “ French children don’t throw food”. I’ve had a French aupair because I thought it would be useful for the language. However in retrospect I can see she thought her role was more of a governess and expected obedience, and I think she felt she wasn’t performing because my dc didn’t respond to that. That led to me questioning my own parenting!. Rightly or wrongly I’m not a disciplinarian but the DCs are well behaved by English standards!

When I interview now I ask the question “what would you do if dc said “no” to your face” or wouldn’t sit still. Listen to the answer.

For me the role of aupair is another pair of hands, to add balance to the house and benefit everyone. Not another child, but a r dpi should be adultIt’s so good when it goes well. But they are not there to discipline or cause angst.

So, lots of Skyping. Get your daughter involved. Let her look at aupair world and help choose. Why not let her help write the profile? What does she want the new family friend and helper to be like?
Consider a trial weekend before Xmas? We did that and it was great. It’s ok if you need to have a couple in conversation at same time.

When she arrives get your daughter to get the APs room ready, plan a weekend of fun.

Why not do an advanced search for guitar player as your daughter plays guitar. Once or twice I have chosen girls who studied the same degree as me - guessing we were on same wavelength.

Write a detailed ap handbook and give it to your shortlist. What do they think?

Good luck!

Excellent advice and insights ePur

We had a lovely French au pair, I was less keen on the Italians we had, they aren't smiley enough for me (and a bit too emotional).

We also go for graduates who are looking to do something before they start their proper jobs. I actually steer clear of people who have worked as nannies/childcarers previously as I prefer to mould them myself. Unlike the PP though we are very in the - you do what the au pair tells you to do camp, if an au pair can't discipline the children, she as an adult in charge is not going to have enough control over the children to look after them properly.

Hope you find someone great for next time.

Fabulous advise thanks @blueshoes @ePursimouve
@underneaththeash I do agree about
Being able to discipline or manage the child -
That’s important but it’s finding the balance and winning their trust as well and not expecting blind obedience for everything including exactly what activities they do after coming home and constantly nagging.

I expect the au pair to also treat my DD with respect and as an individual. If she wishes to zone out in front of the telly for an hour or two after a stressful or tiring day at school that’s totally fine. DD takes her school work very seriously and pushes herself very hard so sometimes she just wants no to be. What I am trying to say is I would like the au pair to invest the time to know the child.

Though my first au pair was only with us a few weeks - she managed that balance brilliantly And DD still misses her.

I think until you have an au pair that clearly has that balance wrong it’s hard to understand. Our first au pair had the balance just right. Our second was on dd’s case over every little detail which nobody would ever worry about normally.

Our second was on dd’s case over every little detail which nobody would ever worry about normally.

^ this -

This is the problem we have. The au pair was out meeting a potential new family yesterday and the change in atmosphere at home was noticeable - after 2 hours DD saod - it’s so awesome to just be...

And shockingly the telly wasn’t asked for or turned on.

Update - we are now counting days until the AP finds a new family - yday we went out grocery shopping and came
Back to the house stinky - on investigation the APs toilet was blocked and the bathroom and her room were absolute pits - it was her day off - on talking to her she says the toilet has been blocked for 2 days and she forgot to tell us!!! I sat her down and explained we still expect her to be responsible as long as she stays with us - she then asked if she could stay longer -
We said no.

Also had the episode on Friday when she picked up DD and when i checked in from work she said “we have nothing to say to each other”. - I am now wishing we had told her we would pay her in lieu and put her on the first flight home. 9 more days - and next week of me paying her but also sending DD to after school club - oh and the AP does fuck all at home now and Instead adds her dirty dishes and laundry to our pile.