What to do - au pair just announced she's pregnant

[Pbelle]

Hello worldwide web,
Need help please. Here's the background: our French au pair, with us since October, recently met a boyfriend in a nearby town. Last night, as I was going to bed, she told me that she's pregnant.

Her situation isn't ideal and we are left wondering what to do, ethically, and a little selfishly. DH is all in favour of (me) telling her to go in July. I am not certain what is right/best/kindest...

For the past few weeks, she has been asking us if she could stay beyond the intended July end date so she can move in with her BF once he's saved up enough deposit to buy a place at the end of this year. Despite a bit of a worry that there are not many people looking to start in January, we agreed to look for someone who could start early 2019, and that she could stay when the new au pair arrived.

Au pair doesn't speak any English yet, which isn't helped as bf is Italian, also arrived last October and doesn't speak English, and works as a chef in his friend's restaurant, sharing a bedroom whilst he saves money. Her Italian has come on a treat mind you.

She has no home to go to in France (she's 30 and gave up her flatshare, sold her car etc to come here, she was in unemployment before arriving).

To make it more complex, we were living in France when we had our kids so I know nothing about "what to do" when pregnant here. It's quite structured in France, lots of paperwork to send off left, right and centre. I'm thinking that I need to take her to the GP in the next few days to find out.

As I mentioned DH wants to find replacement ASAP - he can be a bit black and white, whilst I'm not sure what to do. We need help with childcare, that's for sure. We both work full time (although I work from home 4 days a week), but I'm also away from home a lot as my little sister is terminally ill and I'm helping her as much as possible too, so do worry that the unknowns of pregnancy will compromise us as a family; also that I don't have the time to be there for her as chief translator (assuming she wants that); that I don't know how to help her out practically; that it's not my place to... Already it's starting arguments :(

All advice gratefully received...

Gosh. What do you WANT to do? Do you want to take on responsibility for this au pair? since that would seemingly be the case here.

To me, it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate without this added complication. Also, since she's 30, she's more than old enough to take responsibility for her own life. It sounds more like a nightmare in the making tbh. There's no guarantee of boyfriend getting his own place any time soon.

Personally I would wave goodbye in July.

Hi, I want her to go but I'm worried that it will be unkind to give her her marching orders as she will be totally helpless (I like her, we all do).

I don't want the responsibility but I do want decent childcare and there are so few good au pairs who want to come here. We've been looking since the start of April. We are quite fussy but we know what works (the profile of person who'll be happy here), and what doesn't (had one disaster au pair who lasted 4 weeks and even lost the kids).

What I want least of all are the arguments with DH though. I know he's right but the weight of dealing with it all lands on my shoulders as he's away working all week so I am the one who must have the difficult conversations.

I feel like I ought to approach this with a "this is what I believe you should do" and a bit of guidance. Trouble being that I don't have the knowledge to guide with!

I don’t see any reason that you would have to let her stay beyond her previously agreed leaving date? It’s not like she is a vulnerable 18 year old. Au pairs are supposed to help, to add to the burden!
On the what to do medically, she needs to find out whether your area needs a gp appt to refer to the midwife or whether it’s a self referral area.

My gut reactions would be to keep her on until the start of her maternity leave.

Pregnancy won't stop her working, but you need to look up what your duties and obligations are to her as an employer (I know it is not quite the same status for au-pairs, but it is a guideline).

Allow her time off for antenatal appointments.

Tell her about Pregnacare/antenatal vitamins.

Impress upon her that she needs to have sorted out some living arrangements by the time her maternity leave begins - week 36 or 38, depending on how long she wants to work.

Blimey. This is a bit of a mess.

Has she vocalised what she sees happening here? Is she intending to effectively lodge with you, have her baby with you (how far along is she?) and then move out at the end of the year? If so, how does she intend to contribute to her living costs until then - and those of her baby, if the baby will be born at your home?

If the baby will be living with you for a while, do you have a big enough house that you and your family won't be disturbed at night?

Is it likely her bf will have saved for a deposit by the end of the year?

If not, it will be much, much harder to kick out an actual baby than it is now...

What's her family situation in France? Surely this is their issue to help with, not yours?

I'm all for caring for people in your employment but I wouldn't expect my boss to give me shelter, translation services, and moral support when I had a baby.

Op are you in France? So she’s in her home country and her bf is Italian, is that right?

She’s not your responsibility, harsh I know but she’s not that’s just the reality. She’s 30 ffs not a 17 yr old in a foreign country!

Where are her own family? Surely she needs to be leaning on them for support now and not you as a surrogate mother?

I agree that you can’t just sack her because she’s pregnant but she needs to sort out her living arrangements so she has somewhere to go once the baby arrives. What if she goes into premature labour at 30 weeks but puce told her she can stay till 36 weeks and she has no where to go?

You need to be very clear with her about how long you can keep her on and help support her emotionally while she tries to sort herself out.

It all sounds very. Stressful, especially with your sisters illness

She needs to be booked in with midwives, sometimes you can go direct to them otherwise via gp.

Otherwise.... If her pregnancy is easy, she could stay while pregnant. But boyfriend needs a faster, better plan for accommodation.

I think you are taking on too much here - she is 30 not an 18 year old.
Start looking for a new au pair for the summer and tell her that you are going back to the original plan of July not January as it doesn't work for you.
She is not your responsibility - she has had plenty of time to sort out her language issues. Seems like instead of doing that she has been having fun with boyfriend and now she can grow up if she's going to start a family.

Also, if the baby is born whilst your au pair lives with you, does tgen she gain rights to stay in your property? I'd look into that if I were you xx

How far along is she?

I think you are going to have to be hard-headed about it and tell her her contract is up at the end of July. Otherwise you may well end up feeling even more responsible for her. Her boyfriend may never save up enough money, their relationship might not even last. She is a 30-year-old woman not an 18-year-old girl - old enough to take responsibility for her own actions. In your situation I would find out what she needs to do with regard to having the baby in Britain (both mine were born in France too so can't help with that) and tell her what she needs to do. You already have an enormous amount on your plate - start looking for a new au pair and don't make her any more dependant on you than she already is - you will be doing her no favours by delaying the inevitable.

I would finish the contract as arranged in July and leave it at that.

It is an unholy mess that you will be sucked into unless you finish as planned in July, I agree with your dh on this one.

You can be supportive by helping her with midwife app, vitamins, assistance in taking time off, but I would leave the 'logistics' to her and her bf as to where she is going to live etc. As her employer this has nothing to do with you anyway, and my best advice would be not to get involved.

If you don't handle this carefully and properly you could quickly find all three living with you. Nightmare.

She’s 30 not an orphan 17 year old. I would finish in July or end August because there might not be much happening over summer. You can’t step into loco parentis- of course you can give guidance as to gp, refer to midwife but it’s her job really.

Also just wanted to tell you we had a similar situation, we continued with our lady knowing as long as we could to help her with money (she did have a flat and dp had a job) but they were struggling. I decided to do the right thing and agree to her working until the baby was born.

She developed pregnancy complications which meant she was constantly taking time off and calling in sick, and leaving me in the lurch. It was so stressful. In addition she then refused to do some of the things that were part of her job (they were not dangerous but more tiring) and started cutting corners and not doing things properly even when she did come. We were paying her, and then having to employ someone else to cover her. It was a big mistake, and we had six months of endless problems. I am going to also sound mean when I say it took a huge emotional toll too, she was forever crying and getting upset because she her family were overseas and because we cared for her, we would spend hours comforting her and reassuring her.

I would honestly use the golden opportunity that is the planned ending and tell her you have already found and promised the job to someone else. You can still support her with little texts and messages, and can be there for her in other ways until she leaves.

She can find temp work for other families, and you could ask around to see if anyone needs any help over the summer.

She’s 30 and you’re not her parents. Go with July.

The reason why you hired an au pair is to give partially or half of your responsibility in handling your child. She's already at the age of 30, she has the right mind of what to do, tc of herself and be responsible.

Finish in July as per original agreement.

You also state her English isn't good and hasn't improved. That can't be good for the children surely unless she is teaching them French.

She's 30 years old, for heaven's sake! She's not your responsibility. You don't need to do anything. Stick with the original plan.

I would tell her she needs to visit her GP (and if she doesn't have one, take her down to your local GP, where you are registered, with her passport and proof of address and get her registered).

Then I would probably stick to the July leave-date, unless that will leave you totally in the lurch and without childcare that you need for work, etc.

Do what suits YOU best. She is a 30-year-old woman who is responsible for her own health and housing and beyond the agreed terms of her employment with you those things are not your problem. So try to remove the emotional aspect of this and look at it as her employer.

End by July. Extending this could be very hard for all of you, including your DCs, and also puts you in a potentially legally tricky place if she cannot get a place with her bf and wants to stay with you
qandahr.co.uk/accommodation-and-maternity-rights/

I'd let her go in July when her contract finishes.
She is a grown woman and has to look after her own housing and health, it is not your responsibility.

I'd close her employment in July as in the contract.

As she is 30 rather than 18, I wouldn't get too involved in where she will live, how she will fund her life etc.

I'd head her in the right direction for medical care, give her time off for appointments etc, but not get over involved,.

You already have a lot to be dealing with in your own life, you can't take on a mother and baby too.

I would let her finish in July. She is 30, she has support over here. Make a GP appointment for her, allow her time off for appointments. To be honest allowing her stay after her end date so her boyfriend can save up was asking for problems without adding a baby to the mix.

Wow, thanks for the advice. Massive help sorting my head out. Just out of a client meeting and hanging with tiredness!

It hadn't occurred to me that we might open the door to more obligations by letting her stay longer.

The maternity complications worry me a lot elderflowerandrose, you are right to point that one out. It's the possibility of my needing to carry her through what could be a difficult few months. She told me she only did the test yesterday (I think I believe her), so by that rationale it would be the long haul, which I have little strength for.

Part of her remit is to speak only in French with the kids, so that's always been a bonus to us. We do the English, whereas when she's with them she keeps their French going. But you're right, she really dragged her heels learning, and has ditched her course in favour of seeing this fella every waking moment.

So, back to aupairworld it is then! To answer the other (very pertinent) question, she hasn't told us what she wants to do yet. Her track record to date would indicate that she'd plan to stay at ours as long as possible. There's no way we could accommodate a bambino without serious disruption, and that's out of the question. She's not terribly dynamic as a person, but by the same rationale her plodding nature has made her reliable rather than moody and hotheaded (speaks from experience with others). Until now! Reliability record tarnished...

Pants. Guess we are heading for a possibly delicate conversation tonight. I'll let you know how THAT one goes...

Thanks for the midwife referral advice. I'll check out what route we need to go down and pick her up a pack of Pregnacare on the way home as a goodwill gesture.

Final thought, you are quite right that, at 30 years old, she is big enough to fend for herself. Our previous aupairs have all been 21-or-so, I need to snap out of that mindset and shed the guilt, she's not a kid.

So sorry to hear about your sister. Having been through 2 bereavements already this year I’m going to say I think your DH is right on this one. Get her to book an appointment at the GP and give her some Folic Acid and vitamin D to take but ask her to leave as originally planned.

You need to have a reliable person looking after your children and the reluctance to learn English seems to be a warning in itself.