What to do - au pair just announced she's pregnant

[Pbelle]

Hello worldwide web,
Need help please. Here's the background: our French au pair, with us since October, recently met a boyfriend in a nearby town. Last night, as I was going to bed, she told me that she's pregnant.

Her situation isn't ideal and we are left wondering what to do, ethically, and a little selfishly. DH is all in favour of (me) telling her to go in July. I am not certain what is right/best/kindest...

For the past few weeks, she has been asking us if she could stay beyond the intended July end date so she can move in with her BF once he's saved up enough deposit to buy a place at the end of this year. Despite a bit of a worry that there are not many people looking to start in January, we agreed to look for someone who could start early 2019, and that she could stay when the new au pair arrived.

Au pair doesn't speak any English yet, which isn't helped as bf is Italian, also arrived last October and doesn't speak English, and works as a chef in his friend's restaurant, sharing a bedroom whilst he saves money. Her Italian has come on a treat mind you.

She has no home to go to in France (she's 30 and gave up her flatshare, sold her car etc to come here, she was in unemployment before arriving).

To make it more complex, we were living in France when we had our kids so I know nothing about "what to do" when pregnant here. It's quite structured in France, lots of paperwork to send off left, right and centre. I'm thinking that I need to take her to the GP in the next few days to find out.

As I mentioned DH wants to find replacement ASAP - he can be a bit black and white, whilst I'm not sure what to do. We need help with childcare, that's for sure. We both work full time (although I work from home 4 days a week), but I'm also away from home a lot as my little sister is terminally ill and I'm helping her as much as possible too, so do worry that the unknowns of pregnancy will compromise us as a family; also that I don't have the time to be there for her as chief translator (assuming she wants that); that I don't know how to help her out practically; that it's not my place to... Already it's starting arguments :(

All advice gratefully received...

Well done OP for standing firm.

One of those things you agonise over but once done you look back and think ,'frankly, that was a total no-brainer'...

So glad you’ve stayed firm. How are the plans for a replacement going?

Thanks - it feels like a weight has been lifted for sure.
So far we interviewed one candidate yesterday (bit young, good experience and all round feasible option); another two on the go chatting via aupair world. Watch this space!

She sounds very immature and overly passive. Well done for standing your ground and making it clear that she has to leave in July (although god knows how much work you'll get out of her in the next 2.5 months if she's sulking in her room like a 15-year-old who's been grounded). I hope you find a new au-pair quickly. I feel for the baby - it's got a real wet blanket for a mother and the father doesn't sound much better.

Unless the boyfriend rapidly steps up a gear, I think she should be strongly advised to return to her parents or any other family members in France.

If not, then perhaps she should put her name down on the housing list? The baby will need a secure place to live and I can't see the boyfriend providing it.

Really, really difficult situation for all concerned.

She’s 30. She isn’t a child that you are responsible for. She is another adult. You could offer to accompany her to a doctor appointment or to a first scan but you don’t need to do anything. It’s not a moral thing. She is an adult. Just be friendly but don’t take responsibility. It’s not your place. She had unprotected sex. As a 30 year old she knows how babies are made!

As maybedoctor says she definitely needs to look into what needs to happen should she return to France to have the baby, esp re medical assistance/care.