What to do - au pair just announced she's pregnant

[Pbelle]

Hello worldwide web,
Need help please. Here's the background: our French au pair, with us since October, recently met a boyfriend in a nearby town. Last night, as I was going to bed, she told me that she's pregnant.

Her situation isn't ideal and we are left wondering what to do, ethically, and a little selfishly. DH is all in favour of (me) telling her to go in July. I am not certain what is right/best/kindest...

For the past few weeks, she has been asking us if she could stay beyond the intended July end date so she can move in with her BF once he's saved up enough deposit to buy a place at the end of this year. Despite a bit of a worry that there are not many people looking to start in January, we agreed to look for someone who could start early 2019, and that she could stay when the new au pair arrived.

Au pair doesn't speak any English yet, which isn't helped as bf is Italian, also arrived last October and doesn't speak English, and works as a chef in his friend's restaurant, sharing a bedroom whilst he saves money. Her Italian has come on a treat mind you.

She has no home to go to in France (she's 30 and gave up her flatshare, sold her car etc to come here, she was in unemployment before arriving).

To make it more complex, we were living in France when we had our kids so I know nothing about "what to do" when pregnant here. It's quite structured in France, lots of paperwork to send off left, right and centre. I'm thinking that I need to take her to the GP in the next few days to find out.

As I mentioned DH wants to find replacement ASAP - he can be a bit black and white, whilst I'm not sure what to do. We need help with childcare, that's for sure. We both work full time (although I work from home 4 days a week), but I'm also away from home a lot as my little sister is terminally ill and I'm helping her as much as possible too, so do worry that the unknowns of pregnancy will compromise us as a family; also that I don't have the time to be there for her as chief translator (assuming she wants that); that I don't know how to help her out practically; that it's not my place to... Already it's starting arguments :(

All advice gratefully received...

So, to clarify:

• You are dealing with terminal illness in your already busy lives
• You have known this woman about 6 months
• Her boyfriend has known her less than this, doesn't speak her language, and she is now pregnant
• The above scenario is unlikely to go well, she may not see much of him when the news sinks in ...
• Even if he does stick by her, he is working as a chef - not usually a well-paid job - but tells her he will be buying a house. Is there any reason to think this is actually achievable?

I would wish her well and wave her off in July before you get stuck with a virtual stranger's baby adding to your issues!

If you're in London I know of an amazing au pair who might be interested, also a nanny. pM me if that would help practically.

On an emotional level I feel for all of you, however I would ask her to leave when her contract expires. I'm not sure of people get employment rights after one or two years. I'm also not sure when maternity rights kick in. I'm sure gov.uk will tell you.

Yes, put like that it is pretty clear. Tragedy is that she's quite intelligent, just woefully lacking in motivation in life overall. That said, she bothered herself to come to the UK for a year so I'll give her that.

And yes, I have quite a lot on my plate at the moment. Probably not helping me to think clearly as I'm an emotional mess some days. My sister has very young children too and it's unbelievably hard to deal with day to day, as she needs someone with her 24h - hence why I'm often not home and really need the au pair more than ever. She's having chemo, which will end in August and after which the docs can do no more and some times it's all we can cope with to take our next breath.
Feel a bit angry that we are now in another situation. If she were to stay it would open the door to troubles untold, and leaving in July means we are without childcare potentially. She does have to go though - I now realise that, which is a good step further forward than where I was this morning.

thanks CrackingEggs, we are in Gloucestershire :(

As elderflower has said, i can see this happening with you. If she is in a state at the age of 30 you'll be babysittimg her

You need rock solid support for the next six months at least.
Given what you are going through this is one of the smaller and easier issues but there are often the hardest.
Focus on getting a new au pair, one that is both totally reliable and is happy to be flexible. You may need her to do much more at times after August.
Your family need to come first and this au pair needs to remain professional until July and then leave. You can be as kind and as nice about letting her know, but you just can not take this on.

I so utterly sorry Pbelle.

This drama has all the makings of a crisis - no home to go to, doesn't speak any English, living in England and wants to stay here, Italian boyfriend of only a few months, new pregnancy - who knows where it will all end? Yes, aupairworld asap I think. Plodding she may be, but she's actually made a right mess of things and it could get much worse and with so much already on your plates (I'm so sorry about your sister ), I don't think you can take much more of this. I hope you can find a replacement quickly and then turn your focus back to what is really important, which isn't this woman's dramas.

Oh and if you want to give her advice about what to do while pregnant in the UK:

1. Register with doctor (if not already done).
2. If already done she needs to make a 'booking in' appointment with midwife team. This is usually done at around 8 weeks pregnant.
3. From that booking in appt will be generated an appt at local hospital for 12-week scan.
4. She will also have regular appts throughout her pregnancy with one of the midwife team (it is unlikely to be the same one each time).
5. If she doesn't speak English then she will need a translator to be present. FGS don't volunteer your services if you don't want to, apart from maybe to help her fill out the registration form. It is up to the NHS to provide a translator for anyone who needs it.

You will end up helping out with a lot of the pregnancy admin for her if her English is not good. I remember the hassle of my bad-English speaking French aupair opening a bank account or registering with a GP.Not to mention ante-natal appts and her possibly being in a delicate position.

What you said about her lacking energy and failure to learn English rings a bell with me. It was the same with my previous aupair who spiralled into disinterest and indifference to her duties.

Personally, it is a no-brainer. Have the difficult conversation. She may act up but I am inclined quite cynically to believe that, if it suited her, she would be out of yours like a hare without giving your family a second thought.

You can find another aupair. Do it before it gets too close to Brexit in January!

Brexit is in March ...

OP, you have lots of time till July to look for an aupair. I appreciate they are thinner on the ground these days and I had to massively lower my standards. I ended up with an intelligent but unmotivated barely-English-speaking (French too) aupair without too much effort.

If you can cope with that, there are many non-pregnant versions of that in the aupair market.

Juneau, Brexit is in March 2019 but OP's aupair wants to extend her stay from July 2018 to January 2019. That is the January I meant.

Oh okay blueshoes.

So let's do the maths on this pregnancy. She just did a test, so she's likely around 4 weeks now. That makes her due date ... January 2019 ... OP I don't think you want her still living with you and 'working' for you at that point. You have to let her go.

Totally agree you need to get rid in July at end contract.

I really feel for you with your sister also. Might it be a good idea to get a nanny short term after July as it sounds as if you need more help while your poor sister is so ill.

Take care xx

Pbelle I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble in thinking clearly, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for all of you

Maybe have the conversation with you and husband both there to relieve the pressure on you? Maybe suggest she invites her partner?

She needs to go in July, as agreed. Mind what the PP said regarding her accommodation rights. You really do NOT need a 30 year old woman you barely know, with a very complicated personal life (what if the boyfriend breaks up with her???) becoming essentially another dependent. Good Lord.

That link is actually terrifying. I am certain that most employers of live-in nannies would have no idea about those rules - it talks about contributing to alternative accommodation during the course of the maternity leave.

In our au pair contracts we specify the length of the time they're with us. I understand you can add a sentence which says something like use of the accommodation is for the term of the contract only. I will put that back in for next year. Blimey.

I am glad we are coming to the end of our childcare years.

Sorry about your sister

I would let her go in July when her contract ends. At the end of the day she is a 30 year old woman and you are not responsible for her.

I hadn't thought about inviting her parter helpmum2003, although I'm not sure I want to invite him to the house for fear it'll open the floodgates and he'll be here more and more.

She sent me a text last night asking if I'd take her to the doc's this morning. I've said I can't (I'm working!), so she's heading there on her own and has been practising how to ask for a registration form.

Thanks for the practical stuff Juneau, that's so helpful. She is convinced she needs a blood test to confirm dates, but I've told her that I'm 99% certain that this isn't standard practice in the UK. (They do in France, but my experience was that they have a national obsession with drawing blood at any given opportunity throughout pregnancy).

I'll be home in an hour so will see how she got on today...

In the UK they take your word for it, ask you about date last period, work out an edd from that. Scan at c12w confirms pregnancy and is followed by about 5 vials of blood to check stds and downs tests (and in my area sickle cell anaemia). She should be taking folic acid.

No blood test here - although this is common in other countries. TBH they aren't really that interested in you until you've got past the 12-week mark!

Little update: Well, we had the chat. Turns out she was indeed angling to stay here as her boyfriend did not want to change his plans of saving up to buy a flat at the end of the year.

A couple of hours later I'd given her a long chat about how he hasn't a cat in hell's chance given that he's only been in the UK since October and isn't even on the electoral roll, to name but two obstacles... I put together a lengthy list of suggestions and links, from NCT to the CAB, and finished with 31st July being the date she leaves our home.

She went out Sat night to go try to explain all that to the boyfriend who - also pointed out in my briefing on Saturday afternoon - really ought to bother his sorry backside to be accommodating the sudden shift of direction his life has taken.

Since then she has mostly hidden in her room complaining of feeling tired and nauseous... So it begins. In her defence she surfaced briefly last night then disappeared & texted me a "thanks for dinner, goodnight". I think she's aggrieved that she's been shown the door. I've mentioned multiple times that it's essential that she take Pregnacare/similar especially folic acid. Falling on deaf ears by the looks of it, so this morning I've buckled and been up to the pharmacy to get her some, and handed them over with my pregancy fitness DVDs. This poor child looks to be unfortunate enough so far and I can't sit by whilst she complacently waits for anyone to chuck her a lifeline. Honestly you wouldn't believe she's 30 years old. She's living on a diet of toast and jam, shunning family meals and acting as though she is being hard done by.

Guess my compassion is on the wane. but it feels good to vent...