11months old not settling in nursery or at childminders

[psh30]

Hello Ladies! Sorry for the long post. But i am on the verge of breaking down.!! Having a nightmare DS started nursery 5 weeks ago and he made himself sick everyday he has been there and nursery kept calling me to pick him up and not to bring him in next 48hrs (per their sick policy). So he never really got a chance to settle in. Everyday which was like 6days in total out of 2.5weeks we were there he cried inconsolably and only stopped if given all the attention by the staff. He hardly even ate anything so throwing up was even more worse. Unfortunately the staff had other kids to look after too hence unable to give one to one attention all the time. He is the same at home and but just wants to know that i am watching him. I left many notes suggestions etc. for the nursery nothing worked (not sure if the nursery even bothered really trying them). Got my DS checked with GP and HV and they see nothing wrong. Finally gave up and took him out as the nursery as they kept charging me even though they weren’t having him full time. Just a week before i was to start work i moved my DS to CM and thinking it is a better set up he will get more attention. I met a lovely (atleast seemed to be) and she assured that she will help! However only after 18hrs of settle in spread across 7 days (incl. 1 full day) she rang me up saying she can’t have my baby anymore as he simply won’t stop crying unless being held (past 4hrs !!) and that he is winding up other kids too by constantly crying. She said she won’t be able to do anything and can’t see my DS every settle elsewhere. Nightmare after nightmare. Has anyone every had a kid who never settled in? I had started work only to stop again as no CC available. Help!!! I don’t know what else to do, every trick giving familiar toys, photos, food from home, no carrying around at home etc...nothing works I am going to start a nanny option but freaking out as this will only teach my DS not be social plus it is super expensive. But i do not have the option of not working. At home DS is on the floor nearly the whole day!! He is reasonably good so far he knows i am there. Agreed DS doesn’t let me go far off from him but not demanding to be held all the time and isn’t it that CM and nursery staff have to be around children watching and interacting with them? Or am i being unreasonable here!

Firstly, is there anything about his behaviour or development which is of concern to you? Has he been hitting all his milestones and has he passed his hearing test?

Hi there thanks for your reply.

Yes he growing well. But hasn’t started crawling and shows not much interest there. I support him alot to crawl but doesn’t want to. I had shared this concern to HV and she thinks my Ds is just laid back. Rest all his tests are normal. I am beginning to feel he is feels insecured when me or DH leaves him. He will go to anyone and everyone as long as he gets his attention and doesn’t feel abandoned.

I didn’t want to read and run as this must be so stressful for you. I see you’re looking into the nanny option. I know of someone who found that this worked for their child (as opposed to nursery/childminder). Some nanny services also do something where they (the nanny) takes the child into nursery for a while, although this might be something for you later down the road.

Has your baby had his 9-12 month review? Could you see your GP if you’re still concerned?

It’s not very helpful that the childminder and nursery didn’t offer you any suggestions to make this easier for your baby. Also, some nurseries offer a longer settling in time, where you start off by staying there with him for an hour or so for a few sessions (stay and play) and then graduallly, you leave him there for an hour on his own, then 2 hours, 4 hours etc. You could pm me if you like.
Best of luck. I know how stressful going back to work can be after maternity leave.

This sounds really stressful for you.

I think a nanny will be a positive step. They can still take your DS to baby groups and give them opportunities to mix with other children, then when they're a little bit older, perhaps he can do a few sessions (usually 3 hours at a time) a week at a preschool.

I do think you need to be realistic about why neither nursery of the CM worked for your DS. Both are shared care environments and so no adult can be solely with one child at all times. To expect that, which you imply, is unreasonable. It sounds like a nanny will meet your expectations more.

How many settling in sessions has he had? Some children do need more than others.

For my children we did the pretty typical hour with me one day, hour with me the next then I left child for an hour. Then following week left child there an hour and the following day left them a whole morning. Then within a day or two they did a full day. One of my children struggled a bit and cried every morning for 6 months for first 10 mins and when picked up.

Given your child is struggling more than I described mine as, i'd suggest more settling in sessions might be needed. Maybe several sessions with you remaining over a week, then the following week you stay for first hour then leave for 30 mins. Next day you stay for 30 mins then leave for hour. Then try leaving straight off the following day.

Have a sit and think about it but for settling in its important to try and avoid massive gaps as you're going to be leaving them for long days when they're in properly so they need to get very used to the worker. Maybe settling in on mon, wed and fri in the first week then same again following week slightly extending the time then in the third week settle on Mon or tue and do full day the wed and thur (and fri if going well?)

The above is only my opinion as a mum and you'd obviously need to play around with what suits you but I honestly think you need to concentrate on a gradual introduction as opposed to the usual quicker settling.

I feel for you as it sounds incredibly hard and stressful.

I agree - I think a nanny will work best in these circumstances. Nannies can still help a child be social, in the same way a SAHM would (by taking him to baby groups etc). To reduce the cost could you look into a nanny share? I know your DS then wouldn’t have her undivided attention, but at least he’d only be sharing it with one other child!

If a nanny doesn't work (because of affordability or otherwise) I would look at a nursery again. With a cm, there is just the one adult who will inevitably have to change another child's nappy/help them to go the loo, make meals, clear up meals. With a nursery, all of that happens but, unless there's a bit of a crisis, there will always be a member of staff on entertainment duty even if it is one member of staff singing songs to 12 babies whilst the other three are doing various jobs in the room (and probably singing at the same time).
DD took ages to settle but I knew it was a good nursery and that she had to get on with it. She was obviously hard work for the first month or so she was there but, for the next 3.5 years, was very easy. When she started, they realised she was happiest outside so, rather than going out for one walk a day, they took her out for two; if the older children were doing something outside & DD could safely be involved (even if sat in a back pack), they let her; they realised the door being opened seemed to distress her - perhaps because she was expecting me or DH - so they took the door off & replaced it was a stair gate; we recorded our voices reading some of her favourite stories & they played that rather than the usual CD when it was nap time.
When DD started nursery, I was initially annoyed as she had to start a fortnight after I wanted as they had another baby starting on the date I wanted and would only start one baby a fortnight at the closest. When I saw the effort they went to, I understood why.

Thanks ladies!! I really appreciate all your suggestions and I like the idea of nanny then helping us settle the baby in the nursery at some point in time. For now i will see how the nanny option goes. At a short notice i could only find someone for 3.5 days so I have also shortlisted a CM who has experience in special needs. Perhaps she will have the patience to persevere for us. So will simultaneously have my baby go to her too but just one or two days there too.

To answer a few other questions;
His nursery settling days were 1hr with me and 2x1hr without me. (they only gave me 1session without) I insisted on another. After that i gradually started 2-3hrs and the disaster struck, monday cried whole day. Tues took him back he threw up and the nursery told me to take him and 48hrs after cannot take to nursery so had a break until Friday when he cried whole time and hardly slept. Again next Monday threw up got sent home again. Thursday again threw up and thats where we thought it’s not working. I even offered to stay on a bit till he settles. All this time he stayed he didn’t eat much there. DS is a tiny baby so it got me so worried and got GP and HV to check both cleared. The amusing part was as soon as he was being held he use to simle and laugh. I thought the nursery was not staffed well. I told them to sing loads of nursery rhymes in my suggestions as he loves it. He practically eats everything when he is sung to. This has been tested when i have left him with my relatives who he hasn’t seen before.
With CM she managed to get him to eat so i was happy even though he threw up once or twice. but CM was ok until she realised he is too much work for her. I again offered to stay as long to get him settled but she said no point as she doesn’t see him getting settled at all. Again when being held DS was happy or given attention i.e. someone merely sitting next to him watching him play. But it seems CM couldn’t manage to put him down.
I took him to softplay area too and whole time he watched other babies and other toddlers playing and absolutely loved it so he isn’t uncomfortable amongst other kids.

His 9-12 months review is on Monday morning. I will see how it goes. The person who is going to do his review is the HV i had already seen so i know there is nothing new i will be told. HV just said in short you need someone who will persevere for us. Agreed with the post I can’t expect nursery or CM to look at my DS only. But they are only allowed 3 kids per child and hoping to be good in multi tasking.

The nursery sounds dreadful tbh. Ours did as much settling as needed and aren’t ridiculous when a child is sick when it’s obviously from crying or coughing. And they will hold a baby all day if they need it.

I agree that the nursery doesn’t sound well staffed or very helpful. I really hope something works out for you and your baby very soon.

Just to update all of you. Had a chat with the new nanny. She was very supportive. fingers crossed she helps my baby settle in within next few days. She herself said that eventually she will help me settle in my baby at the nearby nursery when we feel my DS is ready.
So for now all seems in semi control.
Thanks aton you all lovely ladies!!

That’s great news! Delighted that you e found someone a bit more positive. All the best!

That sounds great

He's a baby, probably misses his mum. They don't don't sound very good. Mabey CM woukd be better, as its a home setting with one carer, instead of a big confusing environment.

Oops sorry read you have tried CM, and that you will have a nanny, that is a better idea, as he will be one to one, in your home.