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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

New Au Pair wants boyfriend to stay

23 replies

paula70 · 16/01/2017 19:22

Hi all,

Weve had a new au pair for a couple of weeks and now shes asked if her boyfriend can visit her and stay with us from wed to friday and then theyll get a hotel for the weekend. She has our loft room so they will be above our bedroom. Immediate thought was no way, weve only just met the au pair, let alone her boyfriend. On the other hand dont want to feel cold towards her and get off on the wrong foot.

What does everyone think?

OP posts:

TimTamTerrier · 16/01/2017 21:47

I would say no, especially as she's only been with you for a short period of time. I think our au pair contract states that there are no overnight guests in our home so they know that before they come here. My H gets a good weekend rate at a hotel that he uses a lot during the week for employees from other countries so we sometimes pay for a Friday and Saturday night and the au pair and guest share that room.

One of our au pairs had a girlfriend who was an au pair in the same city. I was going to our holiday house with the au pair and the DC and he was going to have to stay the weekend with us, which is when he usually met up with his girlfriend. He had said that she wasn't working that week as the mum of her host family was on holiday so I suggested that she come with use. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. He was quite besotted with her and the DC were jealous that he dropped them at every opportunity to spend time with her. She didn't like my DC and it showed although she tried not to show it, and the DC acted up to get his attention. It was only five days altogether and I think we were all glad to get home after it.

That was a long way of saying that having him there might distract her from your DC. It's also worth considering that you haven't checked up on him in the that you have her, references etc, so you don't know anything about his character.

Karoleann · 16/01/2017 22:26

I wouldn't want someone I hadn't checked in the house with my children either when I wasn't at home during the day. He could be anyone!

I'd say not yet, explain that you can't have unchecked adults in your house - ask him to get a police check (they tend to be quite quick) and the first time ensure that its only when you're around at the weekend. After that maybe you can be a bit more flexible.

blueshoes · 16/01/2017 23:20

No. It says in my house rules no male guests overnight. If I knew the aupair well, I might as an exception allow a brother or father but not a boyfriend. I avoid aupairs with boyfriends in their home country.

I do not want a male stranger in my house, nor does my dh. If an aupair wants that freedom, she should be getting a place of her own, not live in another family's house with young children.

OVienna · 17/01/2017 14:07

We have allowed this. It was a pain one year as the APs boyfriend was an AP himself in another part of London and we basically got bamboozled into allowing it on a regular basis. I was away when she first arrived and DH agreed it; so there was a precedent...Did keep her occupied during the year though TBH.

After her we now say, no overnight guests more than once per month, including local friends/partners. I do try to be flexible about this though as for us part of the overall package is making the living situation attractive. But the au pair's room and bathroom are on an entirely different floor to us. So basically it's possible for someone to be staying and to have no impact on us.

For me it would depend the physical set up of the house and also what the au pair was like generally.

Having said all this though I think it is better to be a bit stricter initially because if you don't like the boyfriend but you like her (as was the case with another AP) it can be very awkward trying to explain you don't want him around. See what he's like initially and take a view. How long is she staying? We also need a year long commitment, which is a very long time to be away from a boyfriend in another country.

MrsFogi · 17/01/2017 19:10

No we state in our job description and contract that no male guests staying overnight - I do not want a man I do not know staying in the house with the dcs when I am not there or overnight (even if I am there).

KellyElly · 17/01/2017 19:12

Not after a couple of weeks. You barely know her. Maybe a long standing au pair, it would be ok.

Ilovecaindingle · 17/01/2017 19:13

So a strange man in your home with your kids without any background checks overnight?
Think not. ...

MumBongo · 19/01/2017 22:53

As long as he looks like a decent bloke I don't see what the problem is? What's the worst that can happen?

ageingrunner · 19/01/2017 23:13

What's the worst that can happen? Well there's a question...

tunacanoe14 · 19/01/2017 23:17

Our Au Pairs boyfriend thought it was OK to put Vaseline in the new puppies eyes because they were red

MumBongo · 19/01/2017 23:33

You're spot on Agedrunner! It can't be that bad can it? Maybe he's a bit untidy, maybe he records over some of you VHS's. it's not the end of the world is it? 👍🏻

ageingrunner · 19/01/2017 23:38

Lol MumBongo you must be joking! VHS?

MumBongo · 19/01/2017 23:40

Yeah too right. Betamax is never going to take off is it?

MrsFogi · 19/01/2017 23:43

MumBongo - you've hit the nail on the head. What's the worst that can happen in your home, to your kids....why would anyone take a risk with whatever answer springs to their mind in answer to your question? I don't think that "Not in order to seem warm or avoid getting off on the wrong foot" would be a sufficient reason for most people to do so. No doubt the OP will have interviewed, got references for etc the AP, letting her boyfriend stay simply because he is her boyfriend makes a mockery of bothering to check at all.

Babymamaroon · 20/01/2017 00:30

I personally could not have anyone in my home with access to my children who I hadn't checked out and vetted as thoroughly as we do our APs. So on that basis, there would be no way a boyfriend or friend could stay over.

Babymamaroon · 20/01/2017 00:31

Mrs Fogi I'm in agreement with you!

SoleBizzz · 20/01/2017 00:32

No.

TheObserverOne · 20/01/2017 00:37

no way

MumBongo · 20/01/2017 07:44

I just think you're over complicating things MrsYogi. Surely if the AuPair has all her security checks she's not going to date a wrong un? I'd be more concerned about my child harming him than the other way around. Little parches is MMA trained.

blueshoes · 20/01/2017 14:51

Mumbongo, feel free to take a risk with your own children.

ageingrunner · 20/01/2017 14:58

I think MumBongo is a bridge dweller not being entirely serious

floopyloopy · 24/01/2017 20:11

Our aupair is having her boyfriend to stay in a few months. For a weekend.

She has been here since August
Went home at Xmas and saw him
Skypes every night.
Going home in July.
No homesickness or moodiness at all.

Has not had any time off sick, has fulfilled her duties etc etc. Very mature and sensible. They've been together a year before she came.

It'll be quite nice to meet him tbh. They're obviously serious about each other. It'll be fun!

Original poster

paula70 · 28/01/2017 17:38

Thanks for all the replies.

We said no to the boyfriend as it was too early, she had only been with us two weeks. Maybe if we`d known her for 6 months and we had met him prior to asking, but anyway she seemed to understand and he went to a hotel instead.

OP posts:

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