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Original poster

Problem with nanny

21 replies

giantcar · 30/07/2016 14:53

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could advise please. I've NC'd for this.

My DS (3 years old) is used to being looked after by a nanny, and we've had 2 nannies in the past who he got on with her very well, but they had to leave for personal reasons. A new nanny started 4 weeks ago and my DS is not settling in well with her.

The nanny is much older than previous nannies and seems quite strict with my DS, who I think is not used to do that. I am firm with him, but I probably use more toddler taming/ distraction techniques than expecting him to just to listen because I said so (I wish he did so!). I'm certainly not a pushover.

Now it wouldn't be a problem if DS did listen to her, but the problem is he isn't listening, and rebels more. He has been playing up more with her and then with me too after she leaves.

In terms of strictness, for example, she told my DS off for shouting when he was calling me loudly as I came in. I thought that was OTT. She also complains everyday to me about him, that he either hasn't ate properly, or didn't listen to her about something, or something else, and looks very disappointed with DS, and gives him disappointed looks (her parenting style which has emerged in this very final week reminds me of my mothers Shock)

I am not saying my DS is an angel but he is easy going, as long as you get him on your right side. I feel like he isn't settling in well with her. But my DP thinks we should give it longer. He has transitioned from one nanny to another before and we never had this problem. He also says he doesn't like her and doesn't want her to come, although he doesn't kick a fuss when I leave him with her.

Any advice please on what I should do? Thanks

OP posts:
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PoisonousSmurf · 30/07/2016 15:02

Maybe you should sit down with the new nanny and go through what type of discipline you require from her. She may well remind you of your mother, but then if she is older than yourself, it's only natural.
Also, remember that your child is getting older and it's his 'duty' to push buttons and push boundaries as he gets older.
Distraction techinques won't work. Maybe try a reward chart or get him to do chores around the house for treats.
But the nanny has to be on the same level as you. I would persevere with her and you never know, they may 'click'.

nannynick · 30/07/2016 15:10

complains everyday to me about him

That is the part I find concerning. Sure there may be incidents during the day but she does not need to tell you about every minor thing. Perhaps she does not view things as being minor.

Her style and yours may not be the same, she needs to gel with your family and adapt her style a bit.

When you hired her, what were the reasons for choosing her over other applicants? Think about why she was better and talk to her about why she was the better candidate and still is if she can fit a bit better with your style.

Dozer · 30/07/2016 15:12

It doesn't sound like this nanny is a good match with you or DS. I wouldn't be impressed with a nanny telling my DC off when I was present!

Original poster
giantcar · 30/07/2016 19:17

Thanks!

It seems like I need to talk to her about it. She's much older than me, so it's going to be uncomfortable. Is there a nanny guide book of some sort that she could follow?

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 19:27

Older nanny
Telling DS off for shouting to his mummy
A nanny book

If you're a PBP I'm going to throw a MASSIVE tantrum

FruitCider · 30/07/2016 19:42

What is a PBP?

Original poster
giantcar · 30/07/2016 20:06

Extra to be fair, he wasn't shouting at me, he was calling out to me, and it wasn't a scream, it was just mummy loudly so I could hear him.

There's no need to be so rude.

PFB = previous first born

OP posts:
TheClacksAreDown · 30/07/2016 21:17

Pbp = previously banned poster

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2016 21:50

A 3yr is different from a baby or toddler so easier for child to bond with a nanny

He may be fighting the fact as he's older that mummy Goes to work - or that this is your/his 3rd nanny in 3yrs. Yes circumstances change tho a nanny a year is rare iyswim

How old is she/older then you?

As nick said it would worry me that she moans about your ds every day - tho again your employed her for a reason. Why did you chose her from others ? Did you talk about disapline at the interview ?

I would leave another month / 4 weeks isn't a long time and you did say that ds is happy with you going to work so he can't hate her

HawkingsMead · 30/07/2016 21:54

I wouldn't keep her - doesn't sound like a good match. She complains to you about him - not professional.

Previous first born - are you reincarnated????

Original poster
giantcar · 30/07/2016 22:27

Thanks for your perspectives.

How do you as nannys deal with bad behaviour or child not eating? Do you inform the parent? Or do you just let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
giantcar · 30/07/2016 22:30

Blonde she's probably about 20 years older than me. Tbh I don't remember talking much about discipline at the interview (in hindsight yes I should've). Our previous two nannies just matched my parenting style and we were on the same page.

I took her on because she was experienced and came across as knowledgable, and seemed nice.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2016 23:30

If a child doesn't eat I don't force them tho if 2 of them they sit and wait at table till other has finished

I would tell parents and ask that they don't give any other meal tho offer fruit and glass of milk before bed time

If breakfast /lunch then again nothing else between next meal - no juice etc to fill up. Just water but works do next meal slightly earlier

If they make an effort and eat some or try new stuff then different - I wouidnt give them something they delib hate

One job years ago was determined that the G3 would eat cauliflower. She didn't like it and ate all other veg so I never gave it to her. Mum wasn't happy about that but to me I didn't see the point in forcing her

Pearlman · 31/07/2016 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StringyPotatoes · 31/07/2016 09:37

If your discipline styles don't match then you would not be unreasonable to let her go but I would give it a little longer. At 3 he now has his own opinions and ideas and can vocalise them much better - and is therefore much more likely to resent a new nanny but may well relax into it, given time.

But I agree that complaining about his behaviour every evening is unprofessional. I don't tell the parents about minor incidents as I have dealt with them already. I inform parents of more concerning things - inform, not complain.
And the eating thing? I would probably say, lightly something like "He didn't eat much dinner but he seems happy and healthy. He did eat a big lunch, mind" so they know what he has/hasn't had. But I wouldn't complain. Too many people don't trust children to listen to their own appetites.

Original poster
giantcar · 31/07/2016 11:11

pearlman thanks, I think you are right. She probably does think he is spoilt.

How do you get a 3 year old to listen to everything you say? My 3 year old rebels. I put boundaries round for certain things, things that are important. And I let the rest go. If not, I'd be telling her off every 15 min!

OP posts:
Pearlman · 31/07/2016 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 31/07/2016 17:32

Her age has nothing to do with it IMO: as with anyone who works for you, if you're unhappy and would like her to do things differently, speak to her.

PrincessIrene · 01/08/2016 00:00

I would tell parents and ask that they don't give any other meal tho offer fruit and glass of milk before bed time

I would seriously flip my shit if my nanny presumed to ask me not to feed my own child after they hadn't eaten. Fucking hell.

selly24 · 01/08/2016 07:13

PrincessIrene Having a nanny is a partnership, the poster did say ask, not tell.
You need to work together with someone you hired to care for your kids. Surely you would respect their experience/ reflection on the whole day with your child if you hired them in the first place.....? Unless you were unhappy with them... In which case need to look fore someone you gel with.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/08/2016 07:49

And I've had parents/employers say to me they didn't eat breakfast at all so please no snacks till lunchtime

It's a 2 way partnership and yes I respect their decisions just as they respect mine

But this is discussed at interview and in 25yrs of being a qualified nanny I've never had parents object or say no. They have agreed

It's a case of both being on the same wave length

Obv a child isn't going to eat tea if they know mummy or daddy will give them chocolate biscuits snacks when they come Home - I've had this with friends nanny families

I will never force a child to eat if they don't want to - but equally they won't be having a snack 1/2 hrs later as hungry

But as I said previously I would always do the next meal slightly earlier.

This rule is for those children who decide to totally muck about at mealtimes. Not if they tried something and don't like it or Havnt finished what's on their plate

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