Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

[flossiebee123]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

Well done Flossiebee123
You have been absolutely brilliant!

I cannot imagine taking that man on at your age, or at any age, and in French too. Also, I am so impressed by the way you asserted your point of view while also being so kind and pleasant.

But this is very worrying:
it's because he got very, very angry when I offered to stay for a week, and he was quite aggressive.

Put him on strict probation.

You said the father just didn't see the problem and got quite angry with me. This is very bad indeed. He sounds awful. If he gets very angry again, please protect yourself and do whatever you need to do to get out safely. If you feel at risk make sure someone can help you move out when the time comes, your boyfriend, a friend? He sounds decidedly dodgey. You really do not owe them anything. ny more anger for him and I would just call it a day. Their home is your workplace and that is workplace harassment, I am sure the French would see it that way too.

BuggertheTabloids re "Italian I'm sorry you had an awful time. It makes me so cross that people treat au pairs badly." Actually they were not terrible and they did not treat me too badly at all. Nothing like what the OP has experienced!

It's just that to live and work in someone else's home is not great, the work is dull and the pay is low. I did it for an experience before doing something else. I was not in a foreign country so no fun side or learning a language side.

I've been a cleaner, a chamber maid and a mother's help too, but in those cases I got to go home at the end of the day.

Sorry Italian! Guess it just wasn't for you then

I've managed to escape to the other house for the weekend because the kids are off school and they decided to take them to their grandparents' tonight. I wrote a note after putting away the laundry and tidying up saying that I was going to sleep here because my caravan thing is full of ants and spiders. They seem to want to see me tomorrow evening so I think that we are on ok terms.

We went out for dinner with the kids tonight, just me and the dad, because the mum was working til late. Their much hyped-up opening of the camp restaurant was today but we were the only ones who went.. I feel horrible for finding it funny, but after the amount of time they've spent there instead of with their kids, it's quite amusing. The kids were awful at the table. The youngest ate 1 slice of pizza and was then allowed dessert (??), which he ate about 2 spoonfuls of, and the other was jumping around on the chairs. I just gave up because the father was there, it was only me saying to them to sit down properly and eat their food. He ended up going off to show people where to park their caravan at the camp site, left me with the kids without saying anything so they obviously got up and started messing about even more. The chef at the restaurant saw me get up and my plate was still 70% full, and he said to me 'you look exhausted, go and sit down and finish your food, we'll look after the kids so you can relax for 5 minutes' and I just wanted to cry (haha) with relief. Didn't get to finish my food. Helped clear away after despite the dad saying 'just leave it all there' and the kitchen staff were so grateful. I also found out that the

BuggertheTabloids, they do need a nanny. Not me, not an 'au pair'. As I said, they wanted me to do 60 hour weeks in the summer (7 days a week, varying hours per day) for €100. Found out my pay has been equal to about £1.55 an hour. No overtime pay for sickness. €100 is the max they're willing to give, no matter how many hours. It was assumed that I would stay home all day both days with V, and then I got blamed when he got bored for not going to the other house quick enough. But he was too sick to play outside anyway, and I had household chores to do. Funnily enough, the dad was the one who didn't get why I wasn't 'au camping' sooner..

Italiangreyhound I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy it! I think it really depends on the family. I would work in Bordeaux, but really I just want to be able to work a lot and build up my savings properly, or travel and be able to spend quality time with my friends and boyfriend. The lecture was very worrying but I think he just talks out of his backside really. He's a very proud man.

Radiatorvalves and LeaLeander, I will watch them very closely. If they don't pay me I won't hesitate to start gathering stuff to file a report. I kept all the emails and stuff, they're in French and English, so I have a lot to back me up as well as all the text messages and call logs. My boyfriend knows that if anything bad happens I will be on a train asap. They've been nice today so I think we'll hopefully all be adults about it, as he said. The problem is that the dad is very bitchy about people and I would rather not be badmouthed to the kids. They told the kids this morning that I'm going to be leaving, and because of that I found out that he told the youngest one, V, who is like a parrot, that I cry all the time. So obviously V repeated that at dinner and I just carried on eating.

I'm going to try to benefit from the time I have left here. I'm planning to go to the beach tomorrow (finally!) and this weekend I'm going to go exploring a bit. They know very well that they are treading on thin ice with me so they're being alright for now. I am just so shocked that they hid the working hours from me and then acted like I was being unreasonable. It's delusional.

KindDogsTail thank you so much for making me smile! I am worried too but he seems to be behaving himself and I think the threat of me leaving if he kicks off again is enough to make him keep his stupid mouth shut.

It's a pleasure Flossiebee123.

Good!

Best of luck.

I as mistreated as an au pair in France once. I got up one morning, packed my bags and left before they woke up. Just leave.

alltheworld, do you mind me asking what happened?

FlossieBee you've done so well. Please don't feel obliged to stay another day with this family - I'm glad you're ready to leave quickly if you need to.

30 years ago I was also exploited as an au pair in a small town near Nice. Like you, I had far too much work, but the worst thing was that I didn't realise sleeping with the father would be part of the job. When I made it clear that this was not going to happen, he got nastier and gave me more and more work to do. When I caught him hitting the housekeeper, I knew it was time to go.

I didn't tell him I was leaving because I didn't trust him not to stop me. I took his car, left it at Nice station and got a train back to the UK (I was £10 short of the air fare!)

The housekeeper said she had somewhere to go and was going to leave. In retrospect, I don't think I believe this. I hope she was ok.

Well done for standing up to the pair of slave drivers! But I think you're foolish to say you'll stay that long, Id be leavbg as soon as they headed off for the weekend, he's never going to stick to any agreement, you're working for slavery level pay, and frankly I don't trust him or think you're safe in the house with him; I hope your bedroom door has a lock on it

If it was me I would just leave tomorrow. You'll never see them again in your life. You have no obligation or ties to them because they chose to employ you without a contract. Their kids. Their responsibility. Not your problem at all. You owe them nothing. Just leave.

You sound really nice and, dare I say it, too soft. I wasn't very assertive at your age and I can imagine being in your shoes and sticking it out longer than I needed to.
Now I'm a bit older and more assertive and I just wouldn't let people fuck me about like this. Go and not yourself and put it all behind you

• Go and enjoy yourself!!!

OP - you have handled this really well.

I'd be willing to bet they have done this before. And that they will do it again. Can you ask the kids or the people at the holiday park?

I think you should do a moonlight flit and report them to the police. Cos they will have someone else sleeping in an infested caravan before the end of the month.

I feel cross for the you and poor kids. Most parents just want decent childcare and aren't focused on exploiting others.

Good luck.

thetoothfairywhoforgot the thing is, their staff changes every year. But I noticed that a lot of the people were very nice to me and look very sympathetic when I'm left alone with the kids and the parents just don't bother. I really do want to just leave this weekend while the kids aren't there, but I know I should probably stick to my word. I'm going to set a date for leaving, and they have until then to find someone else. I will talk to my boyfriend about reporting them because I have no idea how these things work in France.

EmmaPausalBitch, it's crazy how much people think they can get away with. This family has had au pairs every year since their son was born from what I can work out. I'm really sorry that happened to you.. especially as back then it was so much harder to let people know what was happening or that you needed to get home. I think he would try to stop me if I said I was leaving, so. They had another lady last year who just left in the middle of the night and to be honest they're baffled by it. I just think the way they advertise is all wrong because they miss out the most important parts.

Littleroundtable and Adarajames, my passport and money are safe where he can't get to them, none of them can. I told them I want to leave on Tuesday, so I will do 3 more Tuesdays for them (until the 24th) and then leave. The father expects me to stay for as long as it takes for them to find someone and get them here, he even said 'it might be that we have two au pairs at once' but I was like um.. no. I will be leaving as soon as you find someone if it's before my 3 weeks. I don't see why he thinks he has any right to tell me what I can/can't do when I don't have a contract. I think they see that they've screwed themselves over too by not having one.

Oh flossie darling, I've been there (figuratively speaking). Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, no-one else is going to do it for you. You're being exploited. Tell them your auntie's had an accident and really needs your help, then book a ticket home quickly.

Seriously, they are taking the utter piss and you owe them nothing! You would be mad to stay a day longer, they are treating you as slave labour and you are letting them. I'd tell them to get fucked, but I'm a tough old bird. If you wouldn't get joy out of that, just walk out, you owe them nothing, not notice or consideration, or anything. Just leave tomorrow, go to Bordeaux with your boyfriend ( Bordeaux is lovely), life is much to short for this bullshit.

When I went I discovered I was the family's 24th underpaid nanny, and quickly figured out why. There are some people out there who think they have a God-given right to a cheap au pair, when really what they need is a full-time housekeeper.

aDangerousWoman, that's exactly what they're like. The dad in particular is the worst. They really do need a full time nanny/housekeeper. I'm meant to be off from today until Sunday because the kids aren't here, and they still want me to go over to the campsite. I don't want to go there, I'd rather just do what I want to do here. They even told their cleaning lady to wake me up, and that I'm meant to be going over to the campsite. She's the one who told me I'm expected to go over there.

I'm upset because after over a week of being absolutely non stop, I had a bath and properly relaxed last night and I realised how tired and ill I am. Sometimes the dad comes back when I'm looking after the kids and just goes to sleep. He acts like I'm being unreasonable saying I'm tired, but he doesn't do anything with them, and he gets to sleep in the middle of the day or go off whenever he wants. The only time I get a couple of hours to breathe is when I go to bed, but then I get woken up by them every morning because they blast music and have the kids throwing their toys around.

Glastokitty, I love Bordeaux so much, it's the most beautiful city, but this weekend would be so inconvenient for my boyfriend as he's working nights from 8pm-6am. He's doing that tonight, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. He obviously sleeps all day and then just gets up and goes to work, but he's really struggling with his job too at the moment. It will be simpler for me to go to him and go home from there than it will be if I try to get home from Marseille. There's usually only one flight home a day from there, and it's normally at 6am or something stupid like that. I've said that I'll stay until the 17th/24th. If they find someone before, I will be gone. I'm not staying until the other girl gets here. If they step out of line, I will go.

Don't feel like you owe them anything, ok? I wouldn't hang around waiting for some other girl who might not even exist. There's bound to be daycares in France too.

The kids are at school every day unless it's Wednesday or the weekend.

I'm thinking of leaving either tomorrow or Saturday. I don't think I can wait. I am so sick of being taken advantage of.

If anyone has any advice re getting out I'd very much appreciate it.. Planning my escape right now and I'm really nervous.

pack, book travel, phone bf - leave. dont make a fuss just go

good luck xxxxxxx

Leave tomorrow. You have 500 pounds. Surely you can find a train station and a hotel at the other end of a train journey until your boyfriend can accommodate you. Don't say anything - just pack and leave while they are away.

I am SURE it won't be the first time they came home to a missing servant. They'll cope. You'll never see them again. You can enjoy the summer some other way.

You won't look back Flossie. Easy enough if you only need to get a train. Do you need transport to the station?