Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

[flossiebee123]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

I think waiting until the weekend is a big mistake and why are you going to the caravan if the kids aren't even there? In your situation I would:

1. Pack my bags
2. Sit down with parents TOMORROW going through hours worked, pay, living conditions, rules etc and explain that unless there are some major and immediate changes you will be leaving,on Friday.
3. Leave on Friday.

Life is way to short go and stay with your boyfriend for a few days and then decide whether to go home or find a summer job in Bordeaux.

Please don't be posting about your awful host family in 2 weeks time

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all because I managed to put my big girl pants on and speak to them last night. I had a slight breakdown in front of the dad after the kid had been whining on at me all day, and I just decided then that I needed to tell them. This will be long, so happy reading.

We sat down and had a talk and basically you were all right.. They were trying to exploit me. They didn't admit to it as such but it was clear that they knew exactly what was going on (obviously) but have convinced themselves it's ok, because they make it up through going out for meals, going out on the boat etc. I haven't been declared, I haven't had any CPAM or URSSAF forms/paperwork and none has been filed. I'm here illegally and so I'm not protected by anything. They haven't drawn up a contract because they know what they're doing is illegal.

They were asking me about how the sick kid, V, had been during the day and I said he was at the point where he was fed up of being ill and just wanted his parents. I told them it had been a difficult day. At first the father agreed, saying that it was probably the most difficult day that I could have had and the rest will be easy, but he went off on one very shortly after about how it hadn't been a difficult day, that I need to stop looking at everything glass half empty, because I'm in France with a lovely family and a car and I'm on an adventure. He was incredibly patronising and argumentative, saying that whatever was wrong with me wasn't his problem, but it was annoying to him because I've cried more than any of their au pairs ever have before. He's seen me cry twice since I've been here, I don't see how that isn't really normal for a first time au pair. The mum was more understanding because she was an au pair herself, but she said she knew I was sad and she just wanted me to be happy. When he lost it with me, I just made up my mind to leave.

I brought up the amount of hours I've done so far, including the 14 hour day yesterday, and the father just didn't see the problem and got quite angry with me. They are well aware of what an au pair legally should be doing: that I should be having language lessons and a clear set of 30 working hours a week, set duties etc. The father said to me 'we don't bother with the legal stuff because it doesn't suit what we need'. He absolutely refused to see my point of view regarding hours at first, saying that my unwillingness to work as much as they wanted was a question of character. I told him no, I'm looking after YOUR children. I don't feel I can do that properly if I have no time to recharge. They won't be safe because I won't be alert, they won't be happy because I will be unhappy and stressed, and I won't be as fun because I'll be tired or ill all the time. At this point he calmed down and I think he saw that it wasn't a refusal to work or a personal attack, but that I just can't and won't do what they're asking me.

I found out that in summer, when they're both working 7 days a week, I would've been expected to do well over 60 hours with the kids - still for €100 a week. They said sometimes I would start at 9am and go until midnight, then be up at 7am the next day and work another long day. I told them that for me, that isn't going to work, that they had told me max 35 hours a week, and that I wouldn't put their children - or anyone else's children - in danger. Which brings me to talking about having 5 kids in the car and looking after other peoples' kids. They admitted the 5 kids thing was wrong once I mentioned how I could have my license taken away, but their response to looking after other people's kids was 'c'est la vie.' I said yeah, that might be life for you, but you know these people. You socialise with them, you know their children, you are friends. These people and their kids don't know me. If I'm overworked, they don't know and something bad or dangerous could potentially happen. They don't know if I drive well, they don't know anything about me. They are leaving their kids with a stranger. I understand that it's life, but I told them 'you can't keep things like looking after other people's children hidden from potential au pairs, because it's misleading. I agreed to look after your kids. I understand sometimes that they will have friends over or they'll want to go and spend time with their friends, but you never mentioned to me that I would be doing this on a weekly basis. You also can't expect me to be able to look after anyone's children properly when I'm working so much.'

They saw what I was saying and why I was saying it, and we've agreed to part ways. They don't, however, see the problem with what they're doing. I think he is very headstrong and proud but knows deep down that what he's doing is wrong. They don't need an au pair and it's unfair for them to advertise their lifestyle as suitable for an au pair, because it simply isn't. They need a nanny. I told them I would give them 2-3 weeks to find someone else, and then I'll go. You will probably think I'm an idiot for doing so but I have no doubt that if I hadn't agreed, I would've been thrown out there and then to find my way out of a very very small town, and I really don't want to part ways on a bad note despite everything because I do really adore the children. They have convinced themselves that they are very generous people. I think the mum knows that what they're doing is wrong because she barely said anything, it was the dad doing most of the talking. But we've come out of it all feeling better and friends, I managed to have them laughing at the end. I'm happy to be able to go home and earn more money with properly set hours and schedule.. and obviously much better pay. The plan at the moment is to go and see my boyfriend for a couple of weeks before I go home, then get a job and save, and maybe spend a month in France or more. It depends whether I want to return to university. I had a message from another family regarding au pairing starting in September and they seem to do everything legally. Obviously if I go again, I will make sure I draw up a contract and have all the legal paperwork done.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your help, for encouraging me to stop downplaying what they're doing, and for advising me on the legal stuff so I had some ammo under my belt to fire at them. They know I've caught them out. I just hope I can get out of here quickly, but I already feel so much better knowing that I will be home in a few weeks or so. We've agreed to put it behind us for now and enjoy the rest of the time we have together. They told me I was really brave and mature to handle it like I did, so I'm hoping they won't take the piss now they know I will stand up for myself.

Thank you all again, sending big hugs.

Well done OP, you were brave and assertive (you really shouldn't have had to be though, the cheeky bastards)!

I'm so pleased you have spoken to them - well done for standing up for yourself - he sounds like an ar$e

'we don't bother with the legal stuff because it doesn't suit what we need'

I'd still go. I wouldn't trust them an inch. They've lied to you, tried to trick you and are knowingly exploiting you. You were worried they might put you out on the street in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

I'd leave under your own steam while you can.

Good for you OP.

I was an exploited au pair once upon a time. Unfortunately I was far slower off the mark than you to realise that the situation wasn't right and it was too difficult to leave the children at that point.

I admire your courage and hope you enjoy your freedom once you've left!

Excellent work.

But I still wouldn't trust them...so start acting now to give yourself an exit.

Look at possible other jobs, plan your next move - just in case the laughter and the friendly feelings have evaporated by tomorrow.

Don't worry - my boyfriend is well aware of the situation so if things go downhill I will get a taxi, jump on the train and go to his. He's always said I'm welcome any time and I can stay for as long as I want to.

I will be keeping a close eye on them now but I think they know they can't mess me around because I will put my foot down. I'm not here to be taken advantage of anymore. I am ok to continue until they find someone else, but I've said 2-3 weeks is the maximum I'm willing to do. They've agreed to keep paying me the same amount and are going to make some changes.

I know I shouldn't trust them, but similarly they can't really trust me because if it comes to it I will just go.

I also have nearly €500 as backup money so that's not an issue - I will find the number for a taxi company and start packing my bags so that I can get out fast if I need to.

I think you handled it really, really well. From your first message on Monday to the update this morning, you have matured and toughened up, which you needed to. I'm appalled that any family would invite a young girl into their home to treat her in that way, but there you go. At least you have had the good sense to recognise exploitation for what it is.

However, I agree that the father in particular is a slippery customer and can I just please implore you to keep your passport with you at all times, do not leave it anywhere that he could find it and hang on to it as a way of getting you to stay against your will. Same with your money. Hide it or keep it on you, but don't leave it to chance.

Best of luck with your next steps.

I actually gasped when I read the part about 2-3 weeks.

These people are skinflints, scam artists, users and tax cheats. Plus the husband sounds like a controlling asshole to say the least. Why do you feel such deference to them as to stay for that long?

That gives them time to either brainwash you or find another victim. Not to mention wasting a huge chunk of your summer.

Brassica, I agree - I think he showed his true colours. My passport and money are in my handbag so I have them on me all the time. Thank you :)

LeaLeander it's because he got very, very angry when I offered to stay for a week, and he was quite aggressive. I really didn't want anything bad to happen so I just tried to appease them as best I could, especially as the mum just didn't do anything. She just sat there watching. This weekend, the mum is off so she'll have time to start trying to find someone else. I refuse to be brainwashed and they know it, the amount of work is too much and I won't change my mind. It's a beautiful country but that's the only thing I'm really enjoying. I like being with the kids, but I don't like being with them enough to continue being exploited. After their disregard for things that matter to me, I really don't want to stay and will not be staying for longer than 3 weeks.

I've told them they need to be honest on their profile and say they're looking for someone who will do over 50 hours a week. I can't stay for long anyway, because my passport runs out in July. I'll be gone in 3 weeks at most. That's my limit.

You need to be a bit careful. You said you would stay for a week, he got angry, so you gave in. You've set a precedent. He now knows that if he gets angry you are more likely to do what he wants. I really would go sooner rather than later if I were you.

I agree. If someone got very angry with me while I was handing in my notice, I'd leave immediately. I have done so in the past.

I'm so glad you stood up to them - good for you! However, I'm afraid I agree with the people that you shouldn't trust them. I very much doubt you'll see another penny out of them.

They aren't afraid you're going to report them to the police for tax evasion, illegal employment or safe transport of children so I very much doubt they think you'll go to the authorities if they stiff you out of pay for the remainder of the time you're there

I will give them 2 weeks. I really just didn't want to escalate the situation last night because they absolutely refuse to see why I want to leave straight away. I don't think he will do anything, it's a worst case thing, but I do have my stuff ready in case I need to go fast. I'd rather just go quietly and leave it on good terms than causing more drama and upset by leaving right now. It might seem foolish and I am appeasing them, but it's for my sake mostly because I really don't want to be put in a difficult position.

LyndaNotLinda, when he'd calmed down he said they will pay me as normal and we're acting like the conversation never happened. We all know it's not a good environment for the kids if we're busy arguing or being horrible to one another. Ironically he said 'we're all adults here', but I will be adult about it and let it go. I won't forget it, and I will be wary and careful, but I will let it go for the kids.

I'm going to ask them if I can stay at their other house this weekend while the kids are off. There were ants and spiders galore in the caravan last night, even in my bed, so I won't stay there after tonight. I really don't know how they expect anyone to deal with these conditions.

Hi OP, you've done amazingly well so far! I'm normally a big one for fulfilling your commitments and not letting people down, but in this situation I think you would be totally justified in leaving asap, especially given your bug infested living conditions. Look after yourself on this one, best of luck!

If they say no, just leave! Nobody needs to sleep in a spidery bed, not for any amount of 'keep it polite-ness'!

You asked higher up about the contract - you don't have one, you don't need to give notice, you can just walk out.

Good on you for having the confrontation - however, I would be wary about staying in those conditions. They sound absolutely appalling exploitative people. Can you rate them on the website where they advertise so that future "employees" can be warned? After you leave, obviously.

Sometimes on MN you get people who are anti the concept of the AP and think that all employers are exploiting ogres....they aren't. However, your family is an absolute shocker.

This sounds outrageous. I have an au pair and I would not dream of treating her like this. It sounds like they are trying to get a full time nanny on the cheap. Apparently people do try it on quite often.
I cannot believe they did not pay you extra to look after the kids for longer. If mine are sick, and I have to still go to work, I ask the au pair if she is able to help out, and if she is then I pay her extra.

They don't have to "see" why you need to leave right away, OP. They are using you illegally, exploiting your youth and inexperience and probably planning to scam you out of future pay. And using bullying, intimidating language and mannerism to cow you into doing what they want. I am sure it is frightening to be alone in that situation but in doubt, say nothing. Do not make promises that you feel bind you to them.

They have been paying you 2 pounds an hour ! To do intensive child care and all of their housework in unpleasant conditions. It's an outrage. You need not placate them, just pick up your bags and leave. There must be a hostel or hotel you can stay in for a day while you arrange to meet up with your boyfriend.

Other poster are right, this man will likely withhold your future wages anyway.

flossiebee123 I was an au pair in the Uk for four months, a very long time ago! I hated it. The work is hard and boring, the pay is minscule and you do not feel at home.

If you already have a French boyfriend and connections a town in France why not try and find a regular summer job nearer him, if this is what you want.

Please do not allow your emotions to get in the way, you sai somewhere yuo love the kids, please don't let emotions get in the way. Te kids are probably very used to au pairs and may well be used to playing them up or being nice or whatever. And you said "The mum spoke to me last night and said she thinks the kids really like me, so I feel kind of trapped. " You are not trapped and you do not need to stay.

The lecture on your arrival was enough to raise alarm bells, who needs to have a 'boss' telling you to make a good impression!

They have lied and misled you. Please make it clear to them you will be going and make arrangements to leave.

I agree with the other wise posters and especially SnoozeButtonAbuser "Tell them you are NOT taking 5 kids in the car. They can tell you which kid not to take, or you won't take any. Tell them you worked 50 hours last week - write down what you did each day. Tell them you didn't get even 1 day off, let alone 2. Then tell them you aren't happy and you are leaving at the first opportunity which is [whatever day ASAP]. You keep saying they are nice people. NO they're not. At all. leave."

Plus just be business like and professional, they promised and did not deliver. It's not necessary to be apologetic, they can be if they like, you do not need to be and either way, it's time to go you are not being treated like this.

Italian I'm sorry you had an awful time. It makes me so cross that people treat au pairs badly. I have heard some horror stories from some friends of our au pair. I just don't know why people do it. In my view it's a two way street. We treat her well and help her out, she does a good job for us and I have enjoyed learning about her country into the bargain. First time for us though so perhaps I'm lucky and it won't always be like this!
So OP, if you are not being treated well, just leave. You are under no obligation to these people. It's just not worth it and remember if they have a problem with you leaving then it is NOT your fault, it's theirs.