The au pair 'employers' thread

[boo64]

As discussed, here's our new thread to swap advice on finding an au pair, keeping good ones, giving them feedback, what works with APs and what doesn't, what are appropriate duties etc!

Note the word employer is in quotes as they aren't officially employees but I couldn't think of anything better to call the thread!

I've posed a couple of questions to aupairs that I have to ask when doing recruitment interviews for work - my company recruits 800 graduates a year so HR have given lots of thought to them - but I find it best to do them over the phone as they're a good way to get them talking (and you can do lots of assessments of their english/ enthusiasm etc)

1. I need someone who is able to manage their time effectively (or something similar) ... can you tell me about a project you've completed or an event that you have organised that had to be finished by a certain date?

1. What is your greatest achievement (and why?)

I also like to ask - pretending it's the children that want to know:

1. If you had a superpower what would it be? (avoid anyone who wants to be invisible as they are highly suspect in my opinion - my wedding-ring-thieving-au-pair said she'd like to be invisible and now I know why)

I think the whole question thing is just luck - I thought I had a really good list, but it so depends on the persons ability to answer ie some are manipulative from the start and give the "right" answers (the ap before last must have got someone else to write hers as I swear it was not the girl I had been emailing that turned up) My tip would be to ask why they want to come - and what they expect it to lead to - my current ap is great but the last one was just lazy and saw it as one long paid holiday, though saying that, it was not the answer she gave me at the time....as I said, it is luck to some extent. Also never take one without a great reccommendation from thier last family if they are here already.

My 1st and most important question is "Why do you want to come to London?" - if its because they already have friends over here its a big No from me. If its that they've been here before and fell in love with the city then I know they want to be a true AP and am interested in the cultural exchange - which is what APing is about.

I have never ever had an exprienced AP, all mine are first timers.

I also ask what they expect to do in their free time - if they say they want to do other jobs then I know they are here for the money and not for the experience. I know London is an expensive City but if they're prepared to dedicate some of their time to exploring it then I'm prepared to give them some extra money to help them achieve this (although I don't tell them this until they are with us).

would anyone else mind sharing some of the questions they ask? I'm onto the second round of emails with a few APs and I'd like to kn ow what you all ask them

I don't think I do ask a series of questions, as such. I chat away about us and then from the way they reply I get a feel for what they are like. If they answer promptly, and show they have taken in what I've said, and show an interest in ds, and if they seem to have a sense of humour, then I tend to warm to them. I ask for references and it is very telling how quickly they can organise themselves to get them to me and the quality of the references themselves. I have often got to the stage of references and then the refs were not good enough or very short of just didn't persuade me. I also spell out precisely what duties they will have to do, and that they will have to get up at 7 a.m. etc.

It saves a lot of hassle later!

I sometimes find that if there's too much correspondence prior to an actual conversation then I struggle to think of anything to say on the phone!

Talking to them early also helps identify, like the provision of references, who is serious about joining you and who is just hedging their bets.

We've had 3 previous au-pairs. The 2 from aupair world were great. The third from a personal recommendation was awful. She slept with our lodger and cried most of the time. When I speak to them on the phone I always try and see if they get on well with their family. Always ask about food..the 3rd girl didn't tell us she was a veggie..not a problem for some people but we had 6 non-veggies in our house and then we usually had to cook seperately for her.
With my cooking, the best response they can give is: "I eat everything". We had a lovely girl from Scotland who's favourite food was McDonalds. Our 13 year old son thought this was great! She knew all the menus and her dad owned a fish and chip shop! She was fighting fit as well, so I don't know if you can tell much about their health by asking about their diet?
I also always check what they like to do in their spare time, just coz we live in a quiet area.

I wouldn't continue to e-mail, call the girls & you'll get a much better feel for them...They have to answer quicker & don't have 2 hours to think up an answer!

As an au-pair veteran, had au-pairs for the last 10 years and have finally given them up - till the DTs are school age. Still in contact with three of them.

I never, ever, take girls who have not been au-pairs before/not been au-pair in the UK. Always check refs with current/last family.

Not to say that those who have not been au-pairs before/in the UK before were always a problem - we had some great ones, but it always took much, much longer to settle in and show them the ropes - not used to the basics like the transport system, the traffic, the diversity and so on.

Often compounded by the fact of no friends - till they started going out and meeting people. Also more likely not to really understand/or want to understand what the role of an au-pair is - the agencies often sell it to them as being the elder sister in the house - and they think, great! In my house my mum does everything and it will be the same as an au-pair in the UK.

Asking a list of questions is meaningless - they say what they think you want to hear, even the good ones, afterall it is a job to them and they want to do their best to get it.

The only real way to know what you are taking on is to find out what they were like as an au-pair for another family - and you need to probe carefully "she is very homely" can mean she is lonely, homesick and never goes out.

Always surprised me how few UK families rang me to check au-pairs refs............

I'm interested to know how many hours a week your aps have at language classes and when during the day they go. Ours goes 3 mornings a week which is 9 hours of classes. She goes in the morning as that's when the free language school operates. I'm also interested in what goldenoldie said about aps' expectations regarding the job due to what they're being told by agencies etc . I've looked at the job description on aupairworld and read the post here and on other threads and still don't feel 100% sure exactly what the job entails. Our current ap tells me what she hears from other aps. She has a friend who's not happy with her family for various reasons, one being that she does a lot of cleaning and has very little interaction with the children. I think/hope ours has a good balance. But I still think I'm being a bit of a pushover. I sometimes see her sitting and reading a book in the afternoons and find myself thinking "Hmm I wish I felt I had time to sit and read my book"!! But am I bein too draconian if I was to say something? There's plenty she could be doing; the house is quite dirty as the cleaning is really pretty cosmetic. But then I realise that a) she's not a cleaner and b) she's not a nanny although she's absolutely fantastic with the children. But where is the balance then?

cloudberry, if your AP is sitting reading her book during her working hours then you shouldn't feel awkward about giving her a job to do.

errrrr, surely, reading should be in her own time, not during the 5 hours a day she is meant to be helping you?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the balance is that she does 25 hours and a bit of babysitting every week for free board/lodging/money and the rest of the time is her own.

I'm not a cleaner either - but I have to clean my home rather than sit and read a book................

Hi Cloudberry, it maybe easier for you both if you do a sort of timetable for her (and you) - for instance, she should be available 7am-9am and 3pm till 6pm. Then if she wants to sit and read her book at 1.30 for example she and you both know she can.

You can also specify exactly what you want her to do during these hours - for example, empty dishwasher, prepare breakfast and clear away after etc etc.

My last few aupairs have gone to langage college 5x a week for 3 hours each time. It was a momentus pain. New aupair is Australian so no language college but she'll probably want an extra job.

I also use a very comprehensive timetable it also includes what things could be done if she has spare 10 mins. It usually gets AP thinking about other things and makes things flow a bit easier, in the early days.

With regards to language school I will be flexible to ensure that AP can attend two sessions a week and anything more, then langauge school fits in around our schedule. we have had an AP that went for 4 days a week and found it was a pain and was late picking up at school and not doing jobs in the morning. The same goes for second jobs must also fit in around us and not clash with babysitting and agreed flexible working pattern

I now realise just how lucky I am. I have had my lovely AP for 7 months now she has been my first AP and I choose her hideously unscientifically (she had a kind face and calm manner!!) As yet not a single day off sick, she refused my offer to stay at home to look after the boys when she had flu like symptoms, I had problems getting her to accept extra money for babysitting one weekend when I had a work do to go to (over and beyond her agreed hours) and thismorning she walked into town and came back with a large bunch of flowers for me for mothers day!!! I LOVE MY AU PAIR now all I have to do is persued her to delay returning home to complete her medical degree as I have a feeling she may not be that easy to replace!

OMG she sounds fantastic - possibly a hard act to follow!

The gap year ones do seem a good choice.

Am currently trying to work out what to do with the cleaner vs the au pair. Our cleaner might be leaving soon and I'm not that happy with her work so was thinking of getting another to do 2 hours which would be just the bathrooms and kitchen and asking AP to do the hoovering and dusting of all other rooms. Does that sound ok?? I would give the AP a set day to do it I think. I don't need 25 hrs childcare so it makes sense to cut the cleaner's hours down to 2 from 4 and have AP do it - just hope she is happy to clean...

I would have thought that dusting / hoovering would be totally fine or why not ask your AP if she wanted extra money and do the 2 hrs you would pay a cleaner to do the bathroom/kitchen. If she doesn't fancy it no problem but she may jump at the chance and you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

good point - makes sense to offer it to her first and that way I can gauge how much she likes/ dislikes/ hates cleaning!

Question for all of you with au pairs. We have a lovely au pair who is very competent with our son.

It's her birthday this weekend and she has two close girlfriends staying on Friday night, but that's not particularly an issue.

She acquired a boyfriend in January which is fine as we always said that it wouldn't be reasonable to make cellibacy one of the conditions of the position and the boyf seems nice enough and they appear to be in a steady relationship. But last week, he was at the house on two evenings when I/we got home and last night, after spending the weekend with him, she rang to ask if he could come back to our house to stay. We said yes, provided it didn't become a regular thing. She is also leaving at the start of July and the boyf is going back with her.

Do you think having her boyf around this much is reasonable or starting to take the p*ss? I know au pairs are meant to be like a member of your family, but we are feeling a bit like she isn't respecting the fact that it's our family home.

Mumpbump, depends how seperate her living arrangements are though if you're not comfortable with I'd let her know asap.

I'm a Nanny & wouldn't dream of asking if a Boyfriend could stay over unless I was on a seperate floor in the house.

Do you think it's unreasonable to object to him being at the house in the evenings? It's just we get home from work knackered and really don't want to have to deal with a stranger, but my own feeling is that banning the boyf altogether would be pretty unreasonable...

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a word with her re the frequency of his visits, can she go to his flat/room?

If you don't say something now it'll be more difficult several weeks down the line.

I think I will see how it goes this week and, if he is there equally often, I will say something at the weekend. I just think it's hard to get the balance of having someone living with you and respecting them as an adult and them respecting your family house. And then you have to take into account differences in culture too... Minefield!

I'd say you have to draw the line now. How about you agree some ground rules like; you can visit your boyf on your night/days off. (so for us there would be no problem if our AP wanted to stay over with a boyfriend on a friday night as friday and saturday are her days off), or go otu with him in the evenings you aren't babysitting.
BF visiting our house is a different thing, only after I'd been introduced and felt comfortable would i want a strange person in my house especially when i got in from work.

I won't have BF staying overnight at our house - issues around DS, our pirvacy etc. But then I'm putting that in our intial 'contract' so AP's know. After 2 or 3 months BF can come and visit (not overnight) but AP amuses him in her room not in our family living room, basically we need time in the evening to relax and while the AP becomes part of family life a strange BF most certianly isn't seeeing me in PJ's and face mask with a glass of red wine at 9pm.

Def no overnighters from the BF in my house. Absolutely no way. Could just about tolerate occasional evening visits pretty much if keep to rooms but that's it.

Blood running cold at yet more people I'd have to be vaguely polite to in the mornings.