Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I spy on our au pair - I need to check their behaviour

33 replies

morval99 · 28/04/2015 11:44

My children have started to say a few strange things about the au pair. I don't know whether to believe them or not, and don't want to start rocking the boat / challenging the au pair. I read in the paper earlier this year that you can now legally spy on the elderly in residential homes. Is there something you can use at home legally, to check on your au pair? Any ideas ? Anyone know?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ShatnersBassoon · 28/04/2015 11:46

Initially it would be easier to ask a few questions than to start covert operations.

gamerchick · 28/04/2015 11:46

I think if I got to the point of wanting
To spy the relationship is over in any setting

Do you want evidence to prosecute?

WhiffleSqueak · 28/04/2015 11:49

my mum once came home unexpectedly early from work as she was pregnant with me and suffering with morning sickness.

my brother was 4 at the time in his cot. she was just in time to catch the au pair shouting at him to shut up as she turned the volume up on the telly.

she was replaced by another au pair who was so lovely and such a good family friend that they named their children after each other.

I say do what you gotta do to be confident that she's doing a good job!

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 11:53

I wouldn't want to leave the children with someone if they are saying worrying things about her.

What have they said?

Justusemyname · 28/04/2015 11:55

If you want to spy on them you already don't trust her so she should go. Evidence means nothing, and is. I consolation, if it shows her doing irreparable damage to your child. You'd be wishing you'd just got rid.

Seriouslyffs · 28/04/2015 11:59

How old are the children and what are they saying?

Jackie0 · 28/04/2015 12:00

Are you considering CCTV ?
I couldn't do that to her. I think its a bit unfair and intrusive.
I leave the door open so I can hear the kids when I'm on the loo, that would be a nice thing on CCTV
You do need to address your concerns however.
You need to talk to her.

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 12:23

Could you leave your phone on record in an unobtrusive place?

glittertits · 28/04/2015 12:29

What are the children saying?

OutragedFromLeeds · 28/04/2015 13:42

No, it is unacceptable to covertly record someone in their own home. You're her 'landlord' as well as her employer don't forget. I'm not entirely sure on the legalities, but I'm pretty confident recording a lodger/tenant in the home you rent them would be an offence (as it should be). Morally, it is wrong.

You can 'check up' on her in other ways.

You can tell her that you're setting up cameras.

You can ask her to leave.

You can press your children for further information.

These are your morally and legally appropriate options.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2015 13:45

What is she doing?

Original poster

morval99 · 28/04/2015 16:19

Children are saying she sits on the sofa all day and watches TV, and refuses to play with them.

OP posts:

GlitzAndGigglesx · 28/04/2015 16:31

I don't think cameras are the way to go about it. What if she spots one? You'd then have to explain why they're there. I would mention it to her first and if there are other complaints then get rid

QuinoaLenghi · 28/04/2015 16:38

If the children say that then its probably true, at least to some extent. How old are they? Can you ask whether they mean every day or just sometimes.

You need to act like a responsible manager here and not a spy. You may not like the idea of an awkward conversation but that is what you must have. Or monitor it on a daily basis for a week or so. I employ au pairs and I am now in the habit of asking the au pair what she did with the children when I get home each day, as part of a friendly conversation I get her to detail activities etc. With new au pairs I compare this to what the children tell me later just to check that they all agree, once my trust is earned I obviously stop daily comparisons. Could you take this approach and if the stories do not gel then either ask her to up her game or simply ask her to leave?

Bellsnwhistles · 28/04/2015 16:54

You either trust her ..... Or you don't. Even if it is legal to spy it would be a horrible, horrible thing to do.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/04/2015 17:01

No, that's ridiculous

But you can:

press her on what activities she us doing with them

ask her if she needs any ideas for activities

come home early one day and see what's happening

HeinousPieTrap · 28/04/2015 17:02

perhaps you need to have a conversation with her about expectations? Do you expect her to never watch TV when she's meant to be looking after your children? In which case say that... or if you think it's OK in small amounts, or whatever it is you think.

It may be that on one occasion they were desperate to play with her, but she wanted to catch something on the news and said to shush a minute... which wouldn't be the crime of the century. It all depends on what you had agreed on first off, I think.

But I wouldn't spy the au pair, that would totally undermine your relationship. And is just kind of horrid.

glittertits · 28/04/2015 17:26

How old are the children? I've had mine tell DH that all I do is drink wine and watch Jeremy Kyle before. Was certainly not true.

I think the au pair deserves to be treated like a human here, and not have her privacy violated. By the way you were going on in your OP I thought she was being accused of neglect and violence.

Jackie0 · 28/04/2015 17:34

I was thinking something dreadful/ abusive too.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/04/2015 22:22

Def no filming

Just arrive home early unannounced one day

Does the ap know you don't want her/kids watching TV

blueshoes · 28/04/2015 22:45

Agree you need to actively manage it. Quinoa has a good approach. Children cannot always be trusted to give an unbiased view and can be unreliable. But monitoring and comparing stories over a number of days/weeks will give you a better idea.

Agree you can come home early unexpectedly some days or work from home on other days. My work from home days (with the door open) are always useful to monitor aupairs in a low key way.

Olbersparadox · 29/04/2015 03:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Justusemyname · 29/04/2015 13:21

Spying because she lets them watch too much in your opinion TV is ridiculous.

NightsOfGethsemane · 29/04/2015 13:29

Gosh, I thought you were going to say you suspected her of hurting or endangering your children!

Watching TV is obviously not ideal but I think you can manage the situation and improve it. Does she have much experience with children? Does she know how to play with them? Have you given her ideas for activities? Does she take your kids to clubs or sports?

A young au pair is not a nanny or a childminder. You cannot expect them to provide the same level of childcare as someone who is professionally trained or obliged to follow the EYFS.

Filming her in what is her home would be a gross invasion of her privacy at best. YOU need to either work out a way to encourage her to engage better with the children or ask her to leave.

OutragedFromLeeds · 29/04/2015 13:39

'A good nanny wouldn't have a problem with this.'

Many, many good nannies will have a problem with being filmed all day actually.

'Most work places have CCTV anyway.'

No they don't.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread