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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

CM advice -am I being unreasonable re. Comfort toy?

15 replies

perrinelli · 05/02/2013 08:53

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate your advice - my dd is 4 and in reception & goes to a cm before and after school 2 days pw. Although she's happy when I collect her she doesn't like going in the morning and can sometimes get quite upset on the morning and the night before. She has a toy she sleeps with and uses for comfort. She'll take him out to a lot of places but bit school. She has been taking him to the cm but leaving him there whilst at school & this has helped me get her out of the house to go there. The cm initially discouraged dd from taking him but did let her then today on the doorstep she basically said no, leave him with mummy. Dd started getting upset so I said to the cm - can she bring him today please as she's feeling a bit wobbly and I said she could - cm said no, because another little one she has tries to play with him. Dd handed him over to me and reluctantly went in very tearful. I drove off and felt quite upset. Just not sure how to handle this now. Is the cm bring unreasonable to say dd can't ever bring her comfort toy? Shouldn't it be up to me? Or is the cm right that dd at 4 is too old to bring a toy (she has said this directly to dd) and is it a case of her house, her rules? Apart from this issue, I have generally been happy with the cm since dd comes out happy and says she's had an ok time, but she is quite strict and has quite fixed ideas on how things should be done.

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Flisspaps · 05/02/2013 09:10

She's being unreasonable. I'm a CM, I'm happy for children to bring one toy for comfort (caveat, a 7ft stuffed elephant or the like might be a bit much)

Duritzfan · 05/02/2013 09:10

I wouldn't like that - I don't see it as a big deal and surely the child's
comforter is important to her .. I agree with you and would tell the CM that the toy stays with your dd ..

Chloe55 · 05/02/2013 09:15

I suspect she may be either afraid the toy will get broken in her care, lost or cause arguments with the other children. I can see both sides, I think it probably is time you tried to encourage dc to leave the toy behind, however, if he was getting really worked up I can completely see why you prefer not to do this. I used to tell ds that his comfort toy was needed to look after the car when we went places I didn't want him to take it in to.

WorriedMary · 05/02/2013 09:43

She is being so unreasonable!

I have a little boy (5) who brings toys to my house as it helps him to deal with coming in a morning.
On the whole he shares them but if he didn't want to I'd just tell the children that they were his special toys and he might let them play later.

If it was a teddy or comforter I just say that the other children can't have it. Another of my children (3) brings a blanket and a soft toy and the children know that they are his.

The 5 year old mentioned above used to smuggle little toys to his reception class in his pockets when he first started at my setting - either from home or here. His marvellous teacher didn't bat an eyelid as she said he needed that link between home / my house and school.

My own children have special toys the mindees don't play with and the kids all understand!

Sometimes it's good for children to learn that they can't always have other children's things!

Sometimes children take or want to take toys from school/ nursery, not because they are thieves but because they have enjoyed playing with the toys so much that they want the moment to be transported home so they can continue the enjoyment there. That is all your daughter is doing taking something that is of great comfort so she can enjoy it at the CM!

I'd take her to task on this one! She is being a cold hearted bitch!

greenbananas · 05/02/2013 09:48

I think your childminder is being unreasonable. She has accepted the toy in the past, so it seems a bit unfair to stop suddenly when your child is upset. It is her job to manage the toy within her setting (although as Chloe says, she may be worried about it getting lost or damaged or causing arguments).

As childminders, we absolutely must make sure that children feel emotionally safe. If your child needs the toy to feel safe and comforted in the short-term, then it's part of the childminder's job to work with you to find a way to handle this.

My son has allergies which make it difficult for me to accept comfort toys which may have traces of food on their fur. In the past I have handled this situation by giving the comfort toy a special place on a high shelf where it can 'see' everything that's going on. The child can glance up at it for reassurance, and might even take it down for the occasional cuddle, but it's out of the reach of all the other children.

fivesacrowd · 05/02/2013 09:52

I have school age mindee who brings comfort toy. She leaves it here when she's at school and I put it where none of the others can reach it. It's not a problem and its much easier than dealing with an upset child. The only time it's ever been an issue was when she lost it in the playroom and obv couldn't go home until we found it. Now she's more careful if she puts it down - problem solved. Do you take bag of clothes to cm for after school, could comfort toy go in there so dd knows she has it, but cm isn't having to deal with whatever her issue is? I think cm is being unreasonable about such a small thing, I'd also be concerned that your dd is just having an ok time there - I like to thnk all my mindees have a great time here

Mrscupcake23 · 05/02/2013 10:01

I thought the idea of a cm is to offer a home from home. She sounds very cold.

Original poster

perrinelli · 05/02/2013 10:12

Thankyou for the responses so far, it gives me confidence for raising the issue later when I pick up. I will explain how upset dd is sometimes the night before and in the morning - I haven't really laid this out before as I didn't want to offend the cm, didn't really feel she would be able to change anything to help (dd just wants me to take her to school basically) and dd does generally hold it together when we get there it's mainly getting her out if the house. I guess I will have to insist that she at least has the option to take the toy on wobbly days but work on encouraging her to leave him behind (she hasn't taken him every single time). If cm has a problem with this I'm a bit stuck as don't have another option right now but could change my hours slightly so I do school run in the morning and she only goes after school but would have to stay longer. Not ideal though as I'd be quite late to work.

OP posts:

Mrscupcake23 · 05/02/2013 10:16

Just be confident at the end of the day it's your child and you are paying her. Hopefully she will compromise I just don't feel the need for a child to be upset when not necessary. Eventually she will leave her toy in her own time. Good luck!

ZuleikaD · 05/02/2013 11:23

I agree that it's the CM's job to manage the toy when it's at her house and that it's completely unreasonable of her to refuse to let your DD take it in. It's hard enough for children to be left with someone else anyway, and if a comfort toy helps, then so be it. Does your DD like her well enough the rest of the time?

HSMMaCM · 05/02/2013 13:46

I would work with you to encourage your child to leave the toy at home or in the car (because I've seen the arguments personal toys can cause), but any child I care for who really needs this kind of support will get it.

Jelly15 · 05/02/2013 13:52

I am a CM and I am happy for children to bring any comforter they need. I have had several heartstopping momments when they go missing (always turned up though).

I have had a few children though who have temper tantrums when coming to me as they wnto to bring several toys with them. One little girl turned up with a rocking horse, dolls house and a pram (at the same time) and then threw another tamtrum if one of the other two children as much as looked at them. I told her dad that she could only bring one toy at a time but he said I have to let her take what she wants as I would never get her out in the morning

malovitt · 05/02/2013 14:50

Poor little thing!

Your cm is being very unreasonable.

I have a row of pegs high up by my front door, and each child has a peg with a fabric bag in which toys from home are safely stored if they a causing a drama with the other children present.

'Special' things never leave the house, but are handed back at the end of the day.

I do ask that only one item is brought in at a time though, and it must fit in the bag. Have never had a problem with this.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2013 14:52

i see both sides

yes its nice that a child has 'their' toy if feeling a tad sad and can be a great comfort

but have also seen the tears when a fav toy has been taken out of the house at the weekend and then lost

i normally say they can bring in the car but leave in there if we go somewhere

guess at a cm its slightly different as is meant to be a home from home and would allow to take but to be put in a safe/high place

many school dont allow toys incase they get lost/broken and maybe the cm feels the same at hers

saying that, if she did allow once then should always allow - children need to know boundaries and not fair to chnage the rules half way :(

doughnut44 · 05/02/2013 22:13

I def think that a comforting toy should be allowed. I am a cm and I do have a rule that toys from home can only come to my house if they are shared - this is with the exception of a comforter.
I think the other children should understand that they can't have that particular toy as it is her comforter but maybe your little one should only have it if she needs a bit of quiet time rather than when she is playing in a group.

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