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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

is it unreasonable to expect aupair to offer to help with dinner if its day off?

61 replies

totallyfloaty35 · 19/02/2006 13:24

On the weekend its aupairs time off,but she still eats with us.It drives me crazy when she stands in the kitchen in the way drinking a cup of tea watching me peel veg,load dish washer,prepare everything and never offers to help.I dont know what to say as it is her time off,one friend said not to say anything as its her day off,another said not to cook for her as she wouldn't.But i cant do that it would be rude.She is a nice girl,pretty lazy re housework but good with the kids.

OP posts:

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JanH · 19/02/2006 13:27

Do you have a paid job, tf35? Would you go into work on your day off, chat to your boss and help out? I don't think so....

Nice girl, good with kids, what's wrong?

jowen · 19/02/2006 13:29

You are supposed to treat au pairs as one of the family, and not cooking for her isn't very family like. The impression i get is that au pairs are to be treated as you would treat a teenage child of your own. So asking her to cook a meal once a week, or peel some carrots while you do spuds, is not unreasonable. If she isn't eating with you, she shouldn't be asked to do anything towards the meal.

young people generally have no idea what needs doing towards a house until they have one of their own - it's not enough to be living in one. Just tell he, that you are making X night (not her day off) her night to cook a meal.

Flamesparrow · 19/02/2006 13:30

If its her day off, then its her day off... if she wants to help you, then she can, but thats it. DH stands in the kitchen talking to me while I do dinner - he doesn't often offer to help (he will do things if I ask, but he's part of the family, so doesn't get days off) - its companionship and nice.

Not cooking for her sounds most odd!

Flamesparrow · 19/02/2006 13:30

Not cooking for her sounds most odd!

kama · 19/02/2006 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NannyL · 19/02/2006 13:30

sorry but yes i think it IS unreasonable to ask her to help out on her day off... in the same way if you have a live-in nanny you do not ask them to help you at the weekend....

howevere i can see why it irritates you, while you chop the veg that you are cooking for her to eat with you....

i wouldnt ask her to help you, just think its quite rude of her not to offer to at least peel a few carrots.... thats my opinion anyway!

snafu · 19/02/2006 13:32

Does she help cook the dinner when it's not her day off? I can see where you're coming from - it must be irritating and it would be nice to be asked if you wanted some help - but I think if it's her day off, it's her day off and you probably shouldn't expect anything more.

nutcracker · 19/02/2006 13:33

Sorry but if it is her day off then she is entitled to do sod all if she wishes.

Pinotmum · 19/02/2006 13:36

I'd ask her casually to pass be this and that and then maybe next week ask her to peel a few spuds and if it annoys her she'll bugger off out of the kitchen the following week as it's her day off

Nightynight · 19/02/2006 13:38

no, aupairs days off should be sacred. just because she's living in the house, doesnt mean shes obliged to help at any time.

you are cooking for her because meals are part of the remuneration that you agreed to pay her, for the work she does on other days. She shouldnt have to do anything extra to earn them.

Original poster

totallyfloaty35 · 19/02/2006 16:38

yes point taken.She doesnt cook at all duing her work time either,i will just have to persuade her to lurk elsewhere on days off i suppose

OP posts:

Tanzie · 19/02/2006 22:49

No, she shouldn't be expected to help on her day off, and yes, you should be expected to feed her (unless she makes other plans and tells you in advance). Mine watches me prepare dinner while drinking tea too (can't see what is so fascinating aboutit myself!) and chats away. Doesn't bother me, but I am a bit territorial about my kitchen anyway!

uwila · 20/02/2006 09:21

I don't think it is your job to prepare her meals and clean up after them on the weekend. I think she could be expected to tuck in and lend a hand IF she too is eating the meal you are preparing. Whilst room and board is part of the deal for an au pair, preparing, serving it, and cleaning up after it is uh... well, that's a reataurant, not a host family. If she chooses to eat with you it wouldbe fair to expect her to do her share of the work... and the same goes for anyone's DH, children, or any other member of the family/household. In my house, I cook, DH cleans. Nanny rarely if ever eats with us. She much prefers her fatty convience meals to my home cooked nutritious ones. So she generally buys her own. It is my job to provide food. It is not my job to prepare it and serve it. (However, if she wanted some of what I'm cooking then she'd of course be welcome to it)

CoolTurkey · 20/02/2006 09:49

A day off is a day off but only if you get a day off from her too. Her presence at the weekend means extra work for you so if she continues to be part of the household on her day off she should act like part of the household and muck in a bit. I don't mean heavy labour but just a small contribution as you would expect from kids or friends e.g. laying the table, clear the table. load dishwasher etc.
Just a thought, but do you think when she is hovering in doorways she is waiting to be asked to help but doesn't like to offer?

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 09:50

I love threads like this! Au pairs and nannies and what to do with them eh?

Hello real world!

Bucksmum · 20/02/2006 10:35

She is there to live as part of your family and therefore at weekends should act as part of the fmaily in my house that means everyone mucking in. My big bugbear is when ever DH or I make a cup of tea we always call out to see if anyone wants one, if our aupair will just make one for herself and never offer us one. And at weekends she doesn't even help clear the table!

Original poster

totallyfloaty35 · 20/02/2006 12:01

Am chuffed actually,she cleared whole kitchen after lunch said thanks and made me a cup of tea,was so pleased i got her box of chocs
I know what you mean about being part of family and in my family everyone helps.Also as the host family you are to supply it for them,not cook it.On saying that however i always cook lunch and dinner for my aupair if im making it for rest of family,i just had never had a girl stand in middle of kitchen staring at me in silence before.
I do respect days off,if shed been in another room i probably wouldnt have got so tense.

OP posts:

majorstress · 20/02/2006 14:40

hi uwila, and I think you have got the right idea as usual. They are supposed to be part of the family, but they aren't really-there are sensible people who help without being asked, and there are people who have to be shown and told what to do. You might be able to tell a family member what to do if they are standing there gormlessly, but it isn't great if you have to tell someone who is only there because you need them to help you, exactly how not to be a dork.

Guess what? Friend has offered her bright sensible (so I am told) niece nearly 18 to help me for 2 weeks in the summer. Not sure really.

bagsandshoes · 20/02/2006 20:11

If Au pairs eat with us at weekend they help out and clear up like the rest of the family, if she wants her day off to be sacred she usually keeps out of the way.

Sometimes they don't have clue what is expected and will do the min even though they would never dream of doing this in their own home. I just try to avoid situations and literally write down what is expected at the start, this includes friends staying over, house alarm, use of the car and fuel ect...

Bugsy2 · 20/02/2006 20:32

I'm in the camp who say a day off is a day off and she shouldn't be expected to help you. However, I think it is a shame she doesn't have the good manners not to offer.
The work/relaxation boundaries with aupairs are probably more blurred than in any other childcare relationship because they are not in any way qualified, usually quite young and they live in your home.
I have found the easiest thing is to be incredibly specific about exactly what you expect. I have very detailed pages of typed notes about what exactly will be involved for them. If you haven't said that you expect help with family meals on days off, then it is not fair to ask for it just because it annoys you that she is being lazy & unhelpful!!!
I do sympathise with you though, it would drive me nuts.

goldenoldie · 20/02/2006 22:47

Sorry, but in my house, if you eat, you help.

Being part of the family means chipping in, I don't run a hotel, do you?..............................

Tanzie · 20/02/2006 23:05

Oh, mine clears table and stacks dishwasher afterwards. Think I make her nervous when I am cooking , as I said, I am very territorial in my kitchen!

We had one who never used to eat with us, but who would raid fridge in the night. Got up one morning, no milk, no bread, no ham, salami or anything to put in sandwiches. Got her out of her pit early and despatched her immediately to supermarket with instructions to make up the DDs' packed lunches and drop them off at school before 1000. She didn't raid the fridge to quite that extent again...

nannyme · 21/02/2006 00:28

I hate laziness when it is in our au pair's work time and will always say something but what can you say if it is her FREE time? Part of being/having an au pair is the cultural exchnge so I don't think we should be expecting to extract every penny's worth of labour out of them, do you? Maybe you could try enjoying her conversation while you peel the veg and learning more about her homelife, etc. or her language maybe if you feel you cannot bear to see her doing 'nothing'.

Nightynight · 21/02/2006 08:46

goldenoldie

yes, but I have happy au pairs...

goldenoldie · 21/02/2006 20:51

Well you know the saying, 'if you act like a doormat, you get trodden on'.

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