Nanny groundrules?

[history]

Our new (first) nanny has just started this last week with us and I am trying to find the right balance between giving her some freedom but also knowing what/who my children are doing/meeting. She started last week and asked to take the children bowling - we said fine but then in the diary book which we sue to communicate with each other if as I start earely/finsih late on certain days (we didn't see each other last week as my OH did the handovers) it was obvious after the event that she had arranged to go bowling with other children that I/my children don't know. I suspect they may be her own family members. Is it unreasonable for me to ask that my kids only meet up with other children that they/we know or that I have been asked about?
Also she impressed upon us the need for planning at interview and there are no activities planned in the diary (or at least written for next week) - I now have to call her sunday evening (she's away this weekend) to ask what she's intending on doing with my boys next week as it's the last week of their school hols. I recognise that I am getting used to leaving my children (HENCE A LITTLE EMOTINAL/TIRED THIS WEEK) and going back to work and don't want to upset an experienced and good nanny but I do want to know what my children are up to! Any thought from other parents/nannies very welcome!

Hello, as a previous nanny and now mother I will try and offer some advice.

I think for the nanny to meet up with friends is good. She may have a circle of nanny friends and I understand what you mean about your children not knowing these children but its always good for children to make new friends and in time they will be friends.

You dont say how old your children are?

Perhaps you could enthasis the fact that you would like her to write in the dirary every evening so you can read what the children are up to?

Hopefully someone else will come along with some more advice.

obviously if your nanny has just started then your children wont know any nannies your nanny knows and their charges that they look after - as neither will you

are you being serious that your children can only see people that you know?? gonna be a lonely life for your nanny

its good for children and adults to make new friends and learn to socialise and share etc -so yes yabu :)

erm why do you need to call her on her day off to see what plans she has got - can you not ask her monday am, or nanny send you a text saying what she is planning to do once she has decided/got to work

i totally understand she is your first nanny and hard for you to let go and not know what your dc are up to BUT you need to allow the nanny a little freeedom

by all means write in the diary activities planned, but often the best laid plans go wrong and i may say going to play centre with julie and kids, but then turns out its a sunny day so a shame to play inside and julies kids were sick in the night - so AVOID lol so saw another friend etc

Hi History ,I am a nanny and have been for a very long time ,[I heard that Blondes]I have just had the Easter holidays with my three charges who are twins 5 and 7year old.I arranged activities in the holiday ,The cinema,country park and that we would be making birthday cards for various family members .these obviously were only three days ,the remainder of the holidays I generally get to work in the morning and decide what we are going to do when I am there mostly dependent on the weather and what the children want to do,they may say" can we go to the park,or want to stay at home on the trampoline or playing in the garden,one may ask for paint,or puzzles.So generally I go along with what they fancy doing we arranged playdates due to illness a parent cancelled so we finished off homework that day.
Excuse rambling what I wanted to say was give your nanny abit of slack if she is planning alonger trip she should tell you ,I have taken mine bowling with friends of mine ,as long as the friends children are the same general age as your DC then any socialising is good for them,I do not generally invite children and parents to the house without my boss having met them.I think that don`t worry too much about what your children are going to do trust your nanny to have fun activities and she should give you some idea afterwards of what they have done that day either verbally or in a diary,This is why no nanny leaves on time because we have a handing over period when we tell bosses how children were or perhaps they tried a new activity .

Is it unreasonable for me to ask that my kids only meet up with other children that they/we know or that I have been asked about?

Yes, I think it is unreasonable as it makes things very restrictive. Your children can't make new friends even with children they meet at school, as if your nanny is taking and collecting from school you may never meet their school friends.

How would asking first help? Nanny could ask if it's ok to meet up with other nannies and the children in their care... what would you respond. No? Yes?

Also she impressed upon us the need for planning at interview and there are no activities planned in the diary (or at least written for next week)

Planning things in advance is often the route to disappointment I find. Things can change quickly with children... or indeed the weather. So whilst there may be a general plan of action, it needs to flexible and I feel it's best to accommodate children's wishes as much as possible. Nothing like dragging a child out somewhere they don't want to go. Far easier if you have some buy-in from the child - they want to see a castle... off you all go to a castle.

I now have to call her sunday evening (she's away this weekend) to ask what she's intending on doing with my boys next week as it's the last week of their school hols.

You should not be contacting your nanny over the weekend about such matters. Are your boys happy in her care? That's what you should focus on in my view. Your boys will no doubt moan if they don't like the activities they do.

Does your nanny take photos whilst out on outings? Maybe that could help to show you that your boys are enjoying themselves. Maybe your nanny could text you during the day as to what they are doing, where they are. Doesn't need to be something you reply to... just a text like - We are at Legoland. We are on a steam train. We are at a castle.

How old are your children? You have not mentioned about feeds, or naps, so I don't think your children are that young.

What did you do before you had this nanny? I am wondering if you are finding it hard to let go and trust someone else to care for your children. Trust does take time to build up but unless you give them enough freedom, they can't show you that they can be trusted with that freedom.

To answer my own question... a quick search says your children are aged 2 and 5 and you have been a SAHM for the past 5.5 years. Is that right?

No wonder you are finding it hard to let go but you have made the decision to go to work and leave them in the care of someone else. Whilst you do have some control over what your nanny does, you don't want to be micromanaging them. You want your boys to have fun, to enjoy themselves with your nanny and not miss you too much being at work.

It's term time again soon, so things will start to fall into a pattern then. There will be the school run to do, there will be toddler group, there will be regular activities such as swimming, music group, that sort of thing.

Did your boys like bowling? I expect your 5 year old did and your 2 yr old might have, depending on his ability to roll the ball down the ramp.

What sort of things would you have been doing with your children if you had been at home? One of the things about having a nanny is that your nanny can do things that you might not do yourself, or dislike taking the children yourself (softplay!). Your nanny may have particular interests, they may love the countryside and do a lot of walking, or may like history and will take your boys about historic places. Your children may get to do things they wouldn't do if you were at home.

Try to figure out what your actual issue is. Is it that you just want to know where they are - thus them texting you with a location from time to time may work. That you want to know what they have done - photos may help - (if the nanny is using their own car, you will get the mileage details at the end of the month).

I am a nanny and tbh would not appreciate being called on my day off to arrange my work plans for the following week. How would you feel if your boss called you on your day off at home with your family to ask how you had arranged your work schedule for the week ahead?

I tend to have the same activities during the week which are up on a family calendar in the kitchen and then I can add extra playdates etc to it when we get booked up (usually a week ahead) however often we do just have no plans, or things change (someone is sick), my charge asks to do something else/shows an interest in something else.

Regarding friends - how will your children make friends if they don't get to meet new people? My boss trusts me with her most precious belonging; her child; and as such trusts that friends we meet/see will become good friends of ours. Although she has only met a handful (as she usually comes home during the day) she likes hearing about our friends and will ask after them or will ask questions to find out more about someone we have spent time with.

Do you trust her?

How much control do you want?

I popped back on to totally agree about getting your nanny to take photos when out with the children . I gave my camera to my boss at the end of the holidays and she downloaded pictures of the children at the park ,feeding deer,Doing science experiments at home complete with goggles,I actually took photos the first time I took them bowling and then the first time on a pony and it is great for parents to see exactly what their child has done occasionally.Don`t expect photo s every day perhaps on special occasions and days out.

i always email pics to mb and db of what we have done if been out and about

basically trust your nanny and her judgement and if you cant trust her then she shouldnt be looking after your children

Yep I also take photos which I email to my bosses or get printed on a regular basis - but have recently started sending photos via whatsapp so straight away she can be involved in what we're up to.

The same as everyone else but;

'Is it unreasonable for me to ask that my kids only meet up with other children that they/we know or that I have been asked about?'

Yes, that's ridiculous. It's good for children to make friends/play with other kids. What exactly is your concern? Your children meet/play with/enjoy the company of some children you've never met and then.....what? What's the problem?

'I now have to call her sunday evening (she's away this weekend) to ask what she's intending on doing with my boys next week'

NO. You, absolutely do NOT need to call her on Sunday to find out what she is planning to do with your boys next week. She's been with you one week. Do you think it's possible she doesn't know your boys well enough yet to be able to predict what they're going to want to do the following week? You can ask her on Monday morning what she is planning to do (when she will have a better idea based on the weather etc.).

You've hired an experienced and good nanny, trust that the other children she takes them to play with and the activities that she organises will be good also.

I agree with a lot of what other people have said, but also have a few extra comments.

I agree that I don't think it's reasonable to say that they can only meet up with people they know. However, I do think some things would be reasonable:

• to ask that, if she specifically makes plans with someone you don't know, she lets you know who they are when she tells you about the plans. So on this occasion she asked if it was ok to go bowling. You'd prefer if she'd said she'd like to go bowling with another nanny she knows and the children she looks after (or whatever). I do think if she's asking about plans, it's reasonable to expect a full picture. Different if the others only tagged along at the last minute though.
• I always had a rule (suggested by our nanny) that our nanny didn't take DD to the house of someone we didn't know without telling us - even if sometimes that was a text during the day when it was suggested. I know this was bowling, but this might be a useful rule for you too?
• I don't think your nanny should be socialising with her own family during working hours. So if it turned out that was the case, I think it would be reasonable to ask her not to.

Please don't call her at the weekend. Can't you leave her a note for Monday in the book (or speak to her), just saying it would be nice if she planned an outing or two for the end of the holidays?

Why did you have that rule You'll?

About going to people's houses? Our nanny suggested it. It was fine for her to go round to people we knew, or who we didn't know but knew about (IYSWIM - people who had been mentioned before and we knew the DD had previously met). When she suggested it it kind of made sense to me - I liked to feel I could sort of visualise where my child/children had spent their time. I think she felt it made it clear that she wasn't just socialising with other nannies for purely her own benefit too - sort of kept things transparent.

FWIW - and sticking my neck out here - I would have been very surprised, and not happy, if a new nanny had arranged to meet up with people I didn't know / hadn't heard about in advance.

Perhaps you could arrange a couple of activities or play dates with your DCs friends that your new nanny could take them along to? Then she'll get to know their friends, their mums will get to know her and then they'll be okay to come to play at your house when you're not there.

If you want to sort out something with her over the weekend, perhaps a quick text would be less intrusive than a phone call?

If a new nanny? So is that saying you would be fine with it once the nanny had completed probation Culturemulcher?

Does the OP really want the nanny being friends with mums they know? It can be tricky - what if nanny and the mum both get invited to a social evening event? Though I can see your point that OP would probably be happier with nanny visiting homes that the OP already knew.

culturemulcher why? What is the concern?

Honest to god some people really should just stay at home and look after their own children. Employ a good nanny and let them get on with their job without micromanaging them! If you micromanage your nannies to this degree you will have more nannies than hot dinners or you will end up with the crap nannies who will agree to anything to secure a job.

Youlllaugh - why on earth shouldn't the children socialise with the nanny's family? It makes no sense? The nanny can meet up with another nanny and her charges but not her cousin and her kids?!

"I would have been very surprised, and not happy, if a new nanny had arranged to meet up with people I didn't know / hadn't heard about in advance"

Why, culturemulcher? Do you think the nanny arranged to go bowling with her crack dealer and fellow addicts?

Nannies often work long hours and I can imagine it would be very isolating for them not to meet up with other adults. Parents of her charges' children won't always be on hand to get together so, just as other employees have colleagues, it seems only right that nannies get to meet up with other nannies. Or even take their charges to meet up with their family's kids now and then.

I'm sure OP's 5 year old enjoyed bowling more because there were other children there rather than just bowling against the nanny and 2 year old sibling.

OP - chat to your nanny (not at the weekend!) and tell her you're new to being a WOHM and having a nanny care for your children and ask her to work with you to help you feel more at ease with your new situation. If she's a good nanny she will understand.

Chipping- because, whilst it is understandable that the nanny would want to spend time with other adults, as Audrey mentions, that is in the nature of colleagues and shouldn't be the prime purpose of an activity. For example, meeting up with another nanny who looks after similar aged children who may enjoy playing together. Socialising with your own family is your own personal social life, so unless there is a particular reason why it seems a nice idea for the children and has been agreed in advance, for me it would be out of bounds.

i really dont see the problem if the nanny meets up with friends and plays bowling or with a member of family who has children and bowls -either way it is a fun activity for all to share

yes in other jobs ie in an office etc you wouldnt socialise with your family but nannying is so different from other jobs - its on a personal level

culturemulcher - really?? why - my 1st week with my last job i went to the beach and omg met up with nannies and mums and their children -all had fun - i sent pics to mb and db of dc building sandcastles and once home mb said thank you taking them out for a lovely day

obv mb didnt know any of them as my first week and tbh unless a mb/db either works from home, is ill or theres a birthday so may take day off, then the parents arent likely to ever meet the people the nanny socialises with

many a time ive been in sains etc at weekends and a child has called my name ran over to me for a hug and obv the adults they are with havnt a cue who i am -so i say hello and introduce myself

its obv a trust issue with the op - yes its her first nanny but trust her and trust her judgement or you will have an unhappy nanny and she may leave

experienced nannies do not like being micro managed - there is no need

op - sounds like your dc had a nice time playing with other children and thats good for them and good for the nanny to have adult company

I'm a childminer and meet with friends a lot with there children. My mum is also a childminer and I meet with her. Even if I didn't chose to go on day trips with my friends and children we would stil socialise with them as we attend the same mother and toddler group so my mindees are friends with my friends children.

I think the question I'd ask is "did my children enjoy it? Did they like the other children, did they feel comfortable"? (I guess you could find that out from your older child?)

If the answer is "no" - then of course there is a problem.
If it's a "yes", then they've had a good time and I'm sure you're happy with that.

I do agree though, I'd like to be told what the plans are, and who / what / where they are going (for a trip - obv not to the shops or park).

I also agree with the other poster who said she'd rather her nanny socialise with nanny friends rather than school mums - me too! I'd feel very uncomfortable if my nanny was making independant friendships with "my" friends or peers - (different from being "friend-ly", and having a good play date relationship.). Very awkward.

Probably a bit of comms and planning would put your mind at rest.

PS - I'd also have no issue with 'ad hoc' arrangements.. eg Nanny takes dcs to the shop, meets up with friends and decides to go to a park, bowling, whatever... my children would love that and therefore so would I..

PPS - (and then I'm going, honest ) - it does get much easier with time.. as an SAHM mum, you know where your children are at absolutely all times, and what they do / who they do it with is always under your/your partner's control (mainly).. when you no longer have that, it can feel like you've had your arm removed..

I remember feeling totally lost that if someone said "what are your DCs up to", I wouldn't be absolutely sure. It took me a while to get used to, it, but after a while it will become normal and you'll feel far happier (well, I did / do anyway).