parents turned nasty...

[MaryPoppinsMagic]

I took on a new mindee end of november he is 1, they told me from the start that he had only been with the mum and nan (mum, nan and child live together) however they said he should be fine.

The first week was hell he screamed the whole time and I had to get him collected early on several occasions as my other children were getting very upset. We tried the mum + nan staying longer, leaving immediately and all manners of distraction he would just scream (really loudly like in pain) his nan asked me what I thought they could do, I said in my opinion he just needs time to be used to being away from them and that this would come eventually it is natural for children to have separation issues when their parents / carers are all they have known.

One morning his mum dropped in the conversation that the boy still sleeps in bed with her at night and has never slept in his own bed, I did suggest that maybe they could try getting him in his own bed to see if this helps with his separation issues, my thinking was if he was in his own room that would help him learn that its ok to be away from mum for a certain period of time thus making it easier for him to come to me in the day time. The nan was in agreement with me and when picking him up seemed to agree with everything I suggested.

Last wednesday came and mum dropped him off, the second she left he cried I popped him in the high chair for his lunch and put the washer on a spin (this calmed him he loves washing machines) put the other children in high chairs and started with lunch, I ended up sat in the kitchen for 1hour 15 minutes trying to get this one mindee to eat something (he does sign language and kept doing the sign for food) so I knew he was hungry, every few minutes I had to check on the other children however whenever I left my seat he would scream at me it got to much and I called his nan to collect him.

Upon starting the contract we agreed a 4 week 'settling' period when either party could end the agreement at anytime without notice, I explained to nan that I think its best to end the contract as it is not working out for me, he is not ready to be in childcare and that I cannot put other children at risk because of one child, again the nan agreed with me we even spoke about him coming back in a couple of months once they got him *more independent at home' (nan's words) I advised that I would speak to his mum about what we had said and then take it from there all was fine.

On friday I got a text from the mum asking why I had told her mum I will not have 'their' son, I tried to call her as I did not want to go into it via text as it doesn't always sound as you want it too, she rejected 2 of my calls so I left it and tried again later still rejected the call then a text from the nan saying 'why are you calling my daughter?'

I then decided I would send a text to the mum, saying exactly as I said to the nan (as above) wished her a happy new year (they don't celebrate xmas as they are jehovas (sp?) witness and to get in touch in january

Now since friday I have had about 5 texts per day from mum and nan calling me all sorts of names, saying I am inexperienced plus various other abuse. I really don't know what to do? Maybe I shouldn't give my opinion maybe I should of stuck it out longer I made a decision I couldn't go on the way things were..

Do I threaten police??

I would ignore all future texts, emails and calls. I think you had a lucky escape.

Anything more you do to explain, justify, respond will prolong and possibly escalate the situation.

And do not threaten. Ignore. Do not respond. Delete. Do not engage further with these people.

That should say 'do I threaten them with the police to make this stop?'

That should say 'do I threaten them with the police to make this stop?'

Yes I'ld be mighty pissed with you if you discussed my son like that to my mother and not me, she does come along to things like settling in, and does pick-up sometimes etc, and chats to his carers about him, but THEY should not discuss concerns and contracts with her! they should be professional and discuss them only with me and leave it to me to include others.

I think you really missmanaged this situation, this doesn't excuse abusive texts but perhaps an apology for your management then leave it at that?

I do not usually discuss anything with anyone other than the parent, however when they came to meet me they explained they are raising the son together and to discuss everything with both of them, the mum told me that the nan makes most of the decisions and on this I discussed with both of them.

I do not usually discuss anything with anyone other than the parent, however when they came to meet me they explained they are raising the son together and to discuss everything with both of them, the mum told me that the nan makes most of the decisions and on this I discussed with both of them.

I don't think you should have spoken to the nan unless your contract is with her?

Also how is he putting other children at risk? If you mean because he was still eating after others have finished and you had to keep checking I don't think you could say he put them at risk? Or was he hurting them? Also, I don't agree with the child is 'not ready for childcare' but he may just not be suited to a childminder or to you in particular he may get on with another setting otherwise some parents would never go back if they weren't ready.

Think I would maybe prewarn ofsted that you have ended a contract and they may receive a complaint, document all texts etc just in case.

So has the minding relationship ended? I would send a letter to whoever the contract is with stating that as per point X of the contract the minding agreement is terminated due to the child not settling.

I would not respond to any messages and get my phone provider to block if they continue.

In future only discuss the contract and minding agreement with the person you have a contract with and keep opinions about things out of the minding relationship like co-sleeping etc to yourself. Plenty of people co-sleep and all the research I've read indicates co-sleeping children are as secure as none co-sleepers and potentially more so.

I have another child who is 10 months, he is crawling however cannot be left alone just incase he pulls a toy box over or falls when grabbing things, he was fed up of being in a high chair and I needed to let him play, this is what I meant by other children being at risk by me not being with them.

I think I worded it wrong when I said about being ready, in hindsight I meant maybe needed a nursery or a nanny for a more one on one attention.

The contract was with mum and nan as they both signed it

I have another child who is 10 months, he is crawling however cannot be left alone just incase he pulls a toy box over or falls when grabbing things, he was fed up of being in a high chair and I needed to let him play, this is what I meant by other children being at risk by me not being with them.

I think I worded it wrong when I said about being ready, in hindsight I meant maybe needed a nursery or a nanny for a more one on one attention.

The contract was with mum and nan as they both signed it

Mmm, that sounds pretty horrible! I think you should do a letter detailing whats happened and send it by recorded post so you know they have it. This can draw a line under the situation - it also means you have written proof of ending the contract etc.

I'd keep it factual, neutral and don't apologise- but do empathise 'I do understand that this may have put you in a difficult position, but I felt stopping the childcare was in LO's best interests as he was increasingly distressed at being away from you'. End with something along the lines of 'I would appreciate it if you could stop sending text messages etc to me as this is harrassment, I have kept copies of these and if I receive any further communication from you then I will show your messages to the police and take legal advice'.

I also agree with south re the "not ready for childcare". It didn't work out with YOU! it might work out with someone else or a different setting, some children dont settle at all with nurseries but settle well with childminders/nannies, others don't settle with childminders/nannies but settle quickly with the constant destraction in a nursery.

not ready for childcare was an inappropriate comment IMO. As was your comment on co-sleeping. It's one thing for the nan to be judgemental about it but not okay for you to do it IYKWIM. It just sounds unprofessional. You should comment on the child's time with you and make suggestions about that but you can't really say that the child is not ready for ANY childcare or that they should not co-sleep - the child is only 1!

perhaps in a setting with multiple carers the child would learn to adapt when people come and go?

I wouldn't threaten with the police or talk about harrassment yet. I think that would inflame the situation. I would politely request all future correspondence be via letter only.

I don't know much about childminding but aren't you over your numbers with 2 under 2yo?

x post a bit there

an apology can get people off your back if you can bear to do so, then draw a line under it. how threatening are the texts?

cross - posted re contracts etc. In that case you definitely have nothing to apologise for! You are entitled to give your professional advice - I cared for a (lovely) little one whose mum did attachment parenting (co-sleeping, had never been away from mum) and it didn't work out because she missed her mum so much she howled for her constantly. :( I ended the contract too as it felt the kindest thing to do for all concerned!

Oh and whilst co-sleeping definitely not a bad thing it would make it harder for the LO to get used to napping in a cot/buggy if they'd only ever slept being held by mum! A CMer can't guarantee to hold a child while they nap as they'll have other jobs they need to do or children to care for.

Katie - I know you know about HR, but I do think it'd be worth saying that these texts are harrassment as it may make them realise how unpleasant they're being and that they could get into trouble for it.

Katie in England you can have 1 under 1, a total of 6under 8 (max of 3 under 5 or 4 with special permission).

katie I got a variation of my certificate as when I took the boy he was 2 weeks from his 1st birthday the variation allowed me to have 2 under 1, the standard rule is 3 under 5 only 1 being under 1 years old.

The texts are quite nasty - things like we are going to ensure you never work again, saying they will tell ofsted I hurt their child.. One saying I am going to hell as I don't believe in god.

I think maybe I did over step the mark a little when discussing the child, sometimes I am a little too honest when asked for my opinion, I certainly did not mean to be unprofessional. They asked what they could do to help him settle and I suggested what i would personally do. Maybe that was too much?

katie I got a variation of my certificate as when I took the boy he was 2 weeks from his 1st birthday the variation allowed me to have 2 under 1, the standard rule is 3 under 5 only 1 being under 1 years old.

The texts are quite nasty - things like we are going to ensure you never work again, saying they will tell ofsted I hurt their child.. One saying I am going to hell as I don't believe in god.

I think maybe I did over step the mark a little when discussing the child, sometimes I am a little too honest when asked for my opinion, I certainly did not mean to be unprofessional. They asked what they could do to help him settle and I suggested what i would personally do. Maybe that was too much?

Thanks South. I looked it up after I posted (managed to get child off me and myself onto laptop). Sounds like very hard work even with those ratios!

leeloo1 We don't know the content of the texts. I just think it's a good idea to try to avoid inflaming a situation. Another letter can be sent later, as can contacting the police. I just think it might make things worse in the short term and blocking the numbers and asking to correspond by letter might be a good thing to do first. Nothing to do with HR, just my opinion based on what's the OP's said. But, as you mention HR, for harassment in the workplace there usually has to be a complaint first. ie if a second incident occurred after a worker made a complaint about the behaviour/action that could be considered harassment (I'm over simplifying hugely but you get the point).

x-posted. Yes that does sound nasty Mary. Send one message to each of them asking them to stop contacting you unless by letter. Then ask your network provider to block their number and state it is because you are being harassed (they may want to see the messages).

Keep the messages just in case.

Do everything else by the book (ie writing to formally end the contract, send via registered post etc etc) and then hope they go away. If they don't you have your evidence and you can tackle whatever they throw at you one bit at a time.

Yes, you may have crossed a line with some of the comments but their response is not proportional or necessary. You meant well, just next time probably best not to comment on things out of the minding setting - but really, don't dwell on that too much. Take action now, put it behind you and move on.

fine to THINK that the co-sleeping was causing more problems than it solved but not okay to say in that particular dynamic IMO.

Keep copies of the texts, dates/times/transcripts of any phone calls, and ignore the rest. i would try ONE apology then no more contact. It really doesn't matter if you really mean it or not it can work wonders

"...whilst co-sleeping definitely not a bad thing it would make it harder for the LO to get used to napping in a cot/buggy if they'd only ever slept being held by mum"

I don't think this is true, it has not been my experience or the experience of many parents who co-sleep. It is very difficult to specifically avoid the situation where a child never fells asleep in a pushchair/bouncy chair/rocking chair or car seat as they are going to be in one or all of those things at some point. If the baby genuinely does not fall asleep in these things then the parents are probably co-sleeping out of necessity rather than any attachment parenting principles causing the baby to reject sleeping in other places if that makes sense? Often they react completely differently in different environments too.

The abusive texts sound completely awful and unacceptable. You should not be subjected to this whatever happened between you. I'd just block their number (you can usually do it through the phone)

This is one of the reasons I am glad not to be a childmonder anymore, some people are loons.

I would send an explanatory letter by special delivery, and if that doesn't deal with the problem, I would get a solicitor to write them a letter asking them to cease and desist. If Ofsted get involved at any stage, then you have a record of what went on. Ofsted do appreciate not all parents are as logical or reasonable as they might be.