parents turned nasty...

[MaryPoppinsMagic]

I took on a new mindee end of november he is 1, they told me from the start that he had only been with the mum and nan (mum, nan and child live together) however they said he should be fine.

The first week was hell he screamed the whole time and I had to get him collected early on several occasions as my other children were getting very upset. We tried the mum + nan staying longer, leaving immediately and all manners of distraction he would just scream (really loudly like in pain) his nan asked me what I thought they could do, I said in my opinion he just needs time to be used to being away from them and that this would come eventually it is natural for children to have separation issues when their parents / carers are all they have known.

One morning his mum dropped in the conversation that the boy still sleeps in bed with her at night and has never slept in his own bed, I did suggest that maybe they could try getting him in his own bed to see if this helps with his separation issues, my thinking was if he was in his own room that would help him learn that its ok to be away from mum for a certain period of time thus making it easier for him to come to me in the day time. The nan was in agreement with me and when picking him up seemed to agree with everything I suggested.

Last wednesday came and mum dropped him off, the second she left he cried I popped him in the high chair for his lunch and put the washer on a spin (this calmed him he loves washing machines) put the other children in high chairs and started with lunch, I ended up sat in the kitchen for 1hour 15 minutes trying to get this one mindee to eat something (he does sign language and kept doing the sign for food) so I knew he was hungry, every few minutes I had to check on the other children however whenever I left my seat he would scream at me it got to much and I called his nan to collect him.

Upon starting the contract we agreed a 4 week 'settling' period when either party could end the agreement at anytime without notice, I explained to nan that I think its best to end the contract as it is not working out for me, he is not ready to be in childcare and that I cannot put other children at risk because of one child, again the nan agreed with me we even spoke about him coming back in a couple of months once they got him *more independent at home' (nan's words) I advised that I would speak to his mum about what we had said and then take it from there all was fine.

On friday I got a text from the mum asking why I had told her mum I will not have 'their' son, I tried to call her as I did not want to go into it via text as it doesn't always sound as you want it too, she rejected 2 of my calls so I left it and tried again later still rejected the call then a text from the nan saying 'why are you calling my daughter?'

I then decided I would send a text to the mum, saying exactly as I said to the nan (as above) wished her a happy new year (they don't celebrate xmas as they are jehovas (sp?) witness and to get in touch in january

Now since friday I have had about 5 texts per day from mum and nan calling me all sorts of names, saying I am inexperienced plus various other abuse. I really don't know what to do? Maybe I shouldn't give my opinion maybe I should of stuck it out longer I made a decision I couldn't go on the way things were..

Do I threaten police??

Keep the messages on your phone.

Also log everything that has been said by you, the nan and the mother (including by text with dates and times if possible) in your incident log (you should keep one of these anyway)

Prewarn Ofsted that you have ended the contract but that things have turned sour and you have been threatened with an allegation about hurting a child which is not true.

Make sure you have sent a letter to the parent confirming the reason for the termination of contract under the settling-in period, don't add anything unnecessary such as explanations about your comments re co-sleeping etc.

Keep a copy of the letter in the child's file with contracts etc.

I wouldn't mention/threaten police.

I was trying to avoid the work loon as I have only heard one half of the story, but my personal view is yes, they sound like raving nutters.

word

To look on the bright side you now have pretty good evidence against them if they do make a complaint! Save those texts! The texts sound nasty - personally I would get police advice about the threats to say you hurt their child as that's well out of order
I don't agree with your comments about co-sleeping etc though - those were unprofessional and ill-informed imo - sorry

However, I am not convinced that you have dealt with this well.

Really is it your role to advise against co-sleeping and decide that the baby is not ready for childcare. I also shocked that you repeatdly sent him home.

RE; co-sleeping, I might be wrong but thought that children who co-sleep are usual more secure away from parents as have a secure bond. the baby probably would have got past seperation in time.

I think it was fair to end the contract, the baby wasn't settling in this particular setting, maybe he wasn't ready or perhaps he would have done better somewhere else, but this setting wasn't working.

gold I sent him after several hours of screaming, not being able to put other children for naps and them being upset with it. I tried cuddling soothing and everything I could think of but it made him more distressed, by keeping him so upset I ran the risk of him associating being with me as something bad

I agree you did the right thing ending the contract as it clearly wasn't working out. However, I would not be impressed if my childcare couldn't cope with my child and sent them home especially during a settling in period. Thats your job. Think on for next time.

I think I am going to write a letter as some of you have suggested also going to block their numbers if I can.

I will keep it factual, also will send by recorded delivery

gold the settling sessions had already been done. I'm not talking an hour here I'm talking all day! The effect on the other children and also this child was not a good one, my job is to use my judgement not make children un-happy.

I accept that I possibly did not say things in conversation in the correct way but not that I shouldn't of sent him home

What would you do if you had a child who was the same and the parents at work and no -one else available. I think its really unprofessional.

If a child is not settling and is very distressed I would not think twice about asking for them to be collected in those circumstances, if you feel that is unprofessional that is certainly your opinion and you are entitled to it like anyone else.

Some children do cry constantly, I know 2 childminders who look after children who cry all day but they deal with it by still carrying on, none of the other children suffer. Not sure I could do it all day but some do, that's your choice just think it should maybe have been dealt with a bit better.

I think you handled the co-sleeping thing wrong tbh - for one thing I'm not at all sure it was your place to suggest fairly major changes. For another - did you really think that adding more stress to the child (by introducing such a significant change) would help him settle in the short term?

But the texts are still nasty and worrying, I think you should ignore them and maybe ask for advice from whichever professional body you use.

Definitely put in writing confirming you gave notice on x date, within the dates of your 4 week settling in period as stated in contract. State you came to this decision as LO was not settling at all well and it was having an adverse affect on your other mindees.

Keep a copy for yourself, and the recorded delivery info.

We co-slept and my child was fine with naps. Co-sleeping doesn't always equal a child that won't settle with new childcarer either.

Also please do call ofsted and make them aware of situation, tell them you have been threatened with a malicious complaint (as well as other threatening and abusive text messages), that you wanted to make them aware and that you will be keeping the messages as proof.

When I childminded I had several children like this, all except one settled eventually. But one I did give notice for as he was miserable, I was miserable, and all my other mindees were miserable too! He did eventually find childcare that suited.

IMO it's something to discuss with the parents if child is not settling well. Do you carry on - would mum then be horrifed her child had cried all day? Do you call for them to collect - would aren't then be furious at having to collect? Communication is the only way to get out this no win situation, most parents are happy to discuss this situation and state what they would prefer. I always went with what the parents wanted.

If my child was crying all day I would want to know and would do my darnedest to collect him.

Me too panzee

If my dd was crying like this mindee I would consider giving up work un till I could find a way of making her ok, there's no way we could afford it but we would cope for dd's sake

Having cared for a child who was very unsettled all day then I understand why the OP would get him collected. It certainly crossed my mind a few times to do so myself. It's so different when it's your own child, or you only have one to deal with, or if you have someone else available to assist (like in a nursery) - but when it's just you, with a few children and one of them is taking up all of your time and effort and it's having a detrimental effect on the other children, sometimes you have no choice.

I would suggest it is unprofessional to keep a child on regardless of whether they are happy in order to not upset or cause inconvenience to the parent, and it is unprofessional to allow the other children (who have the right to a happy and safe experience) to have to suffer a lower standard of care or enjoyment because of one other child.

Those of you berating the OP for having the child collected - how would you feel if your child was one of the others who had to listen to and see this child upset at every session whilst not getting the attention and care that they deserved? Would you really be happy for your child's needs to have to come below the needs of another child REPEATEDLY because they wouldn't settle in a situation they clearly weren't happy in?

Mary - I feel very sorry for you. To all those who have critised you giving advice which may be right/wrong in your opinion DOES NOT allow a parent to become abusive in any way shape or form.

Unless anyone else has had an extremely unsettled baby (not your own) and has tried everything to settle it and is struggling what to do, you may offer different aspects of advice. When my own DD didn't sleep through for over a year, with the help of a HV we tried several ways, many which people thought were really mean (controlled crying etc).

Write a letter, as others have said and keep a record of all abusive texts, it is not acceptable that this should be happening to you.

Good luck.

The OP did the right thing having the child collected. By the sounds of it you did the right thing. As said, get everything documented, send them that letter in recorded post, do NOT respond to any texts from them, and call Ofsted re it... if they are as nasty as they sound, they will make a false complaint. Sadly, many nasties do this to childminders :(

A CM is responsible for keeping all the children in her/his care, happy, fed, warm, dry and cared for. If one is continually disruptive, they need to go elsewhere for care. I have a happy, peaceful setting, and aim to keep it that way!

I have (thankfully) only had one instance of a child not settling in... who screamed and cried ALL day (13 months)... which really upset my other little mindees (who seldom cried), so I'd end up cuddling and soothing THREE one year olds crying, all day... and was unable to go about my usual CM routine. This didn't work.

She told me she carried her child around the house in a sling ALL day... obviously I cannot do this.. and I mentioned it might help if she became a tad more independent at home (ie: less sling use!), she might then not take such umbrage (her cry was an angry cry) at not being held by me all day.. and would therefore settle easier. This went down like a lead balloon, and she called it quits. She actually wanted me to use a sling as she did, it came out... NOT mentioned before in our MANY conversations.

Just as well as I was going to call it quits. The other parents were also concerned about their own children and the effect this had had on them.. they hadn't slept properly, nor had had a fun day. NOT fair on them. She ended up not going back to work and stayed home to look after her little one. She didn't trust anyone else to look after her own child. Her own mother even. I didn't miss the mother's half hourly texts either... constantly needing reassurance, her 9:30pm calls to 'chat', checking everything I gave the kids (inspected the fridge etc. YES!). Spying on me through the window (I didn't mind her looking in, but just be upfront about it, she was so sneaky about it, lied about it). She was a very needy and un-trusting person and her child fed off this I believe.

This is the only time a child has not happily settled in quickly, over many years of childminding. But if the parent is not on the same page as you, and doesn't work with you in their settling into your care, it might very well not work.

Another one here who would want to know if my child was screaming all day, I would collect regardless.....WRT the co-sleeping, the OP was asked for her opinion, it was up to the Mum and the Nan if they listened to the opinion.

Also isn't that the whole point of the settling in period, to see if child fits in with CM?

I think the OP has handled the situation very well....

Mary I do agree with you, I have been through a lot in all of my child minding career (the past 10 years),The One and only One thing I would say to help you is write everything in your incident book.......every single word that has been said or done.

Please inform Ofsted as soon as possible.
If the texting has not stopped, get in touch with the Police and get some advice, As you look after other peoples children in your home so health and safety comes first.....and you don't know what other people are capable of.

To everyone..... Mary is here to get some support, not to be judged and get criticized...:)

Yes but everyone is allowed an opinion. Thats the idea of mumsnet.

Thank you for all your helpful posts, I have sent them a letter recorded delivery and also informed ofsted, I've not had any more text messages so hopefully this will be the end!

redglow whilst I agree that mumsnet is about varied opinions and strong points of views I do not feel that it is an excuse to be rude and attack others who post for advice.

This is the 2nd post I've made recently and on both I have been attacked for no particular reason, I fear that mumsnet is becoming a place where posters won't come for advice if it continues this was