parents turned nasty...

[MaryPoppinsMagic]

I took on a new mindee end of november he is 1, they told me from the start that he had only been with the mum and nan (mum, nan and child live together) however they said he should be fine.

The first week was hell he screamed the whole time and I had to get him collected early on several occasions as my other children were getting very upset. We tried the mum + nan staying longer, leaving immediately and all manners of distraction he would just scream (really loudly like in pain) his nan asked me what I thought they could do, I said in my opinion he just needs time to be used to being away from them and that this would come eventually it is natural for children to have separation issues when their parents / carers are all they have known.

One morning his mum dropped in the conversation that the boy still sleeps in bed with her at night and has never slept in his own bed, I did suggest that maybe they could try getting him in his own bed to see if this helps with his separation issues, my thinking was if he was in his own room that would help him learn that its ok to be away from mum for a certain period of time thus making it easier for him to come to me in the day time. The nan was in agreement with me and when picking him up seemed to agree with everything I suggested.

Last wednesday came and mum dropped him off, the second she left he cried I popped him in the high chair for his lunch and put the washer on a spin (this calmed him he loves washing machines) put the other children in high chairs and started with lunch, I ended up sat in the kitchen for 1hour 15 minutes trying to get this one mindee to eat something (he does sign language and kept doing the sign for food) so I knew he was hungry, every few minutes I had to check on the other children however whenever I left my seat he would scream at me it got to much and I called his nan to collect him.

Upon starting the contract we agreed a 4 week 'settling' period when either party could end the agreement at anytime without notice, I explained to nan that I think its best to end the contract as it is not working out for me, he is not ready to be in childcare and that I cannot put other children at risk because of one child, again the nan agreed with me we even spoke about him coming back in a couple of months once they got him *more independent at home' (nan's words) I advised that I would speak to his mum about what we had said and then take it from there all was fine.

On friday I got a text from the mum asking why I had told her mum I will not have 'their' son, I tried to call her as I did not want to go into it via text as it doesn't always sound as you want it too, she rejected 2 of my calls so I left it and tried again later still rejected the call then a text from the nan saying 'why are you calling my daughter?'

I then decided I would send a text to the mum, saying exactly as I said to the nan (as above) wished her a happy new year (they don't celebrate xmas as they are jehovas (sp?) witness and to get in touch in january

Now since friday I have had about 5 texts per day from mum and nan calling me all sorts of names, saying I am inexperienced plus various other abuse. I really don't know what to do? Maybe I shouldn't give my opinion maybe I should of stuck it out longer I made a decision I couldn't go on the way things were..

Do I threaten police??

Way not was!

As you pointed out earlier everyone is entitlted to their opinion. Ithink people were just pointing out things from their point of view thats all. It would be boring if we all agreed. You also had lots of support and good advice which must have helped you.

co-sleeping doesn't cause separation issues. my son settled into nutrsery fine and sill sleeps with me at one year old. I think you could have handled this better and spoken to the mum herself rather than doing it trough the grandmother.

ANyhow, have you considered meeting up and talking to the mum in person?

mrs what do you mean by did I try wearing him?

On this occasion I took him out the chair he screamed, the only way he would stop was in the chair but whenever I moved he screamed. I tried normal food, finger food and yoghurts all of which he pushed away or threw on the floor.

When a child is so distressed that you cannot even talk to them and then other children begin to scream things get out of control and the vicious circle goes round and round, I had no other option but to remove the child who was the 'cause' of the situation.

yule I tried to speak to the mother but she made it clear that her mum was the one in charge of their son, all of the communication has been from the nan, I don't think there is any getting through to them to be honest.

It may be that nursery would be better for this child, in my experience children who are more independent at home are more likely to settle with a cm

No I didn't, a sling isn't possible for me really, I am only small myself and he was a very heavy baby, plus other children will want to be picked up.

I agree that as a parent, I'd rather remove my child form a situation where she was that distressed, for her sake and that of the other children. I don't regard childcare as simply a place to store her while I'm busy regardless of her feelings on the subject - I need to know she's happy and content there.

I don't think a childminder should have to wear a one year old - that's fine if parents want to do it, or an au pair after discussion with the parents, but not a childminder who's responsible for other kids at the same time. It's just not practical. If he has to be in a sling all day, he needs a different form of childcare.

Poor kid sounds like he's having a rough time of things.

I've looked after several "screamers" in my time. These days, it really helps that I work with my husband so one of us can give 1-1 attention if necessary.
It isn't always the case that lack of independence is behind the distress, but it certainly doesn't help if this is the case.

With a screamer, you look at what will calm them best, and it's trial and error to find that out. Some scream because they're bored: these children will settle at playgroups, happy to watch what's going on around them. They're not necessarily the bright ones, they just need lots of stimulation so you provide as much of this as possible.

Some scream because they are in pain. One baby I cared for had a medical condition that caused violent headaches. He stopped after an operation corrected the problem. Don't rule out medical or physical reasons like teething.

Some are unsettled. Maybe they're going through a clingy phase, changed childcarers, moved house or there's disruption at home. You find the best way to settle them and try to work through it in the knowledge that it's temporary. One child I had refused to leave her pushchair for over a week - I even had to wheel her to the dinner table until she felt confident with us.

Some scream because they're frightened or need reassurance. These tend to be the ones that have been carried around a lot and never left before. These are the children that benefit most from being carried in a sling with lots of comfort and attention. I once cared for a child who, I was told, was bilingual and subsequently discovered they never spoke English at home. They also carried him everywhere. It doesn't take a genius to realise how that child will feel when left in childcare that doesn't even speak his language.

Which sort of brings me to my point.

Whatever reason behind the screaming, you are fighting a losing battle if you do not have the parents' backing. This includes lying to you. For that reason, I do think you did the right thing in giving notice.

With every screamer I've had (except one where I didn't have the parents' support so gave notice), they have all grown out of it. Usually when they become more active and start walking. Some have little relapses but, on the whole, are settled and happy. In fact, the 8 year old former screamer still with me loves to hear how awful she was as a baby because she just can't believe it

I just think all children are different and you need to try lots of different things, which comes with experience.

Mary, I think you have handled this just fine.

You are not at fault for discussing the situation with the grandmother rather than the mother; they made it clear they were effectively co-parenting, and your contract was with both of them. It's an unconventional situation - but as childminders we have to be respectful of unconventional family arrangements and situations.

You didn't offer your unsolicted views on their childrearing practices, the mum brought the subject up. It's a fact of life when childminding that parents will ask for your opinion/advice on bringing up children; they are not obliged to agree or to follow any advice given.

I would probably have done the same as you did (I have done) in calling a parent to collect him. It sounds as if you tried several different strategies before doing what you considered to be in the best interests of the child and your other mindees

The four week no notice period was agreed between you and the parents; you have done nothing wrong in abiding by the letter of your contract.

You've done right in covering yourself by informing Ofsted. Don't forget to keep all the texts; I hope you don't get any more, but if you do I wouldn't rule out informing the police

I really could not do a sling, with all the other children i look after i could not carry a (large) one year old and then when others want picking up or i need to get up an down.. nightmare

Thank you all for your support, i think it is all over now (i hope)

I think that maybe you had taken too much on and couldnt cope with it. It may be hard to hear, but I once had a little boy who screamed the most horrendous noise for hours. I tried so hard with him, he used to be fine in the buggy so we would walk a lot, and apart from that I used to hold him a lot, the problem was he was a very very heavy little boy. Just when I would think it was getting better he started again. I called the parents after hed been screaming for hours, and then ultimately the parents ended the contract with me because they didnt want to be called even though his little boy had little blood blisters on his face from crying so much. I was upset at the time but in retrospect I dont think i had enough time to give to that particular child because I had lots of other children and it was getting very upsetting for them. I think you made the right decision to end the contract, however, I dont think you should have spoken to the nan a lot about the co sleeping etc. For one thing, there is nothing wrong with co sleeping, it can work really well for some people and actually make a child feel more secure. If nan had disapproved about it but mum had wanted to carry on then I can see that the mum might have felt like you were ganging up behind her back when she couldnt do anything about it. Co sleeping does not mean that the chidl wouldnt sleep at your house as they tend to adopt different routines in different places. The little girl i look after sleeps in a bed with her sister, it doesnt mean she has to do the same at my house! Im not too sure about leaving him in the highchair either, it sounds like he was in there a long time! If he was very distressed could you not have given him some finger food that is really appealing and sit him on a mat or something...just until he had settled in a bit more. I also think you should have spoken to the Mum first before ending the contract...not the nan. whats done is done now though, just chalk it up to experience.

just read this bit by you... 'The texts are quite nasty - things like we are going to ensure you never work again, saying they will tell ofsted I hurt their child.. One saying I am going to hell as I don't believe in god.'
that is really horrible and arent you glad youre out of it.

I can cope perfectly fine!! I had the same numbers before he came after the space was free and had no problems then what so ever.

Some children don't work out, that is just how it is I think.

As I said above (several times) the mum told me to speak to the nan...

Even if the child had smiled sweetly and shat golden nuggets, you are still within your rights to terminate the agreement as per the contract.

You have a job to do and other children to be responsible for, to suggest you spend weeks trying to figure out the magic stop-screaming activity, or carry the kid around in a sling (FFS) is ludicrous.

MaryPoppins, do bear in mind that in AIBU there are a lot of frothing berserkers who will find ANY EXCUSE to have a go. It's how they get their jollies.

hully this in childminder section but your right I think some people like to find a way to 'flame' whatever the situation.

I got flames just before Christmas for sending my mum flowers. I put it down to boredom

Blimey! AIBU is spreading...

I didnt mean it offensively. If you had had a child that was not distressed then Im sure you would cope fine, but when youve got a child that is hard work AND lots of other children then it is stressful I dont know anyone that can cope with a child that screams all day and effectively look after other children.