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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

My ears are still ringing!

18 replies

gardenpixies32 · 02/09/2011 07:36

I dont have much time to go into detail as mindees will be here soon.

I had settling in with a 14 month old girl this week and I am at a loss of what to do. I hope someone has some advice for me.

She did a few hours settling in with mum on Tuesday and she was fine, played independently and lots of laughs. She did 2 hours on her own on Wednesday and cried pretty much the whole time. During the 3 hours settling in yesterday, she howled (loudly) for 3 whole hours pretty much. I did the usual distraction, going for a walk, playing in the garden etc. She cried through her lunch (she did eat but cried while eating).

I am at a loss of what to do. I have her for 5 hours today and I am dreading the poor little thing being upset. I also feel sorry for other poor mindees who have to listen to the howling!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hayleysd · 02/09/2011 08:10

I would expect it to take quite a while for her to settle, could you take her for a walk somewhere to distract her a bit?

lesstalkmoreaction · 02/09/2011 10:25

Make sure mum has told you what she likes and dislikes and also if she has a special comforter that has perhaps been left at home. Mums don't always share all the necessary information so don't be afraid to ask.
I had a mum that decided going to the childminders was a good time to wean her child off a comforter and hadn't told me, thankfully we soon put in a plan that allowed her to bring it and then slowly it was kept in the changing bag but she knew where it was as she got older.
You could also try a photo album of family pictures but this may have the opposite effect!!! Music and lots of distraction. Can you visit a toddler group or another childminder or invite a cm round to help you out and support you.
Somehow its always easier to cope with when someone else is with you.

thebody · 02/09/2011 11:47

agree all of the above, had this with 2 siblings one after the other iycwim, both cried incessently for 2 weeks and then stopped as got used to me.

dcs came home for the uni hols, same 2 weeks crying if they saw them anywhere in the house and then stopped, both all smiles to everyone in the house now and both sweeties.

tbh i think some children just have to get used to new faces and new settings in their own time and any amount of cuddling and reassurance/distraction doesnt always work, its just the way they deal with the change and they seem to need to compute new faces into their memories and then will settle.

its bloody exhausting though and awful for you, your family and other mindees, i did warn the parents of sibling 2 that i was only prepered to give her up to 3 weeks to settle and stop crying though, as any longer and i wouldnt have been able to cope and its not fair on me, my family or the other mindees.

so to cut a long ramble short i am sure she will settle, in time!!

Original poster

gardenpixies32 · 02/09/2011 12:09

Thanks for the replies, I devoured the information. Any tips will help.

I ended up ringing mum as she cried for 4 hours on and off! It was dreadful! I took her to the library, we went to the park and a walk in the push chair and she pretty much cried the WHOLE time! No tears though, just wailing and howling! My other mindees were very unsettled today and the 17 month old got very upset at times and he doesnt normally cry at all (unless tired). Even my neighbours complained at one point!

Mum is a worrier. She told me this morning...
-After she picked her up yesterday she cried for about 3 hours at home
-She had nighmares that night and kept calling out in her sleep and waking
-When mum said to her in the morning "We are going to (my house), apparently she cried!

I am quite upset that she said these things to me. Mum was also so worried that she took her to the hospital last night! A bit of a overreaction I personally think.

She doesnt seem to dislike me, she sits on my knee and comes to me but howls. When mum came to collect her, her mood almost immediately change, she was laughing and back to normal.

I dont know what to do. My other mindees are very young, with her they are 14, 15, 16 and 17 months. She is never here on her own, one or two sometimes three of the other mindees are here on all 5 half days she is here. I cant have this unsettle my other little mindees.

OP posts:

squinker45 · 02/09/2011 13:58

do you have a variation or an assistant? seems a lot of littlies at once. What did she take her to hospital for again?

Original poster

gardenpixies32 · 02/09/2011 14:34

Yes, I have a variation. The mum took her to hospital because she was worried about her being so upset! The doctor sent her home saying there was nothing wrong with her.

OP posts:

squinker45 · 02/09/2011 17:08

Wow I wonder what they made of that in A and E:

'what seems to be the problem?'
'My child is upset!'

Probably problem is that Mum is very anxious about leaving her so is passing that onto the child. Always the children whose Mums are not (or at least pretend not to be) upset at leaving the child are the less upset children iyswim. I have one who cries loads because the mum hangs around giving goodbye kisses for ages while the child struggles to get back in mums arms, and when she has gone the child is in a state because of this. I have another whos mum has a quick chat then hands the child over and leaves very quickly with a smile and the child just cries until the door shuts then is fine. This mother is not less upset to leave (I know this as she texts to ask if she has stopped crying a few minutes after she leaves) but can see that being upset makes the child upset.

It's not very nice being told how much the child cries when she talks about coming to you, but you have to remind yourself that it isn't you making the child upset, as you have done everything you can to distract and console.

vez123 · 02/09/2011 21:32

My DS was vert similar and screamed for the first few times at our childminder. We were all at a loss what to do and i seriously thought i would have to give up my job. Then the cm went on hols for two weeks. When we left ds with her after her hols he suddenly settled. Now he loves going there.
He is a similar age, just over 15 months. It's a very clingy age.
Just give it some time. You may have a few more painful sessions but i am sure she'll settle at some point.

ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 21:37

A&E because she was upset. Are you sure you need this family?

Original poster

gardenpixies32 · 02/09/2011 21:39

Chipping, I need to think carefully. Mum is a bit precious about her. She has had visits from HV because of how many visits to the hospital she has had!

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I need to have a good think about it this weekend.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 21:43

Well for now have a or a and try to relax - it's the weekend

vez123 · 03/09/2011 09:41

How important are you to this family? If our CM had given up we would have been devastated as there would not have been many alternatives for us. Does the mum have to go to work?
Why don't you give it a couple more weeks to see if things improve? Wasn't it only her first week?

Gastonladybird · 03/09/2011 09:56

AGree with squinker - as both with nanny and preschool the be cheerful/ swift ecot policy was what i followed. It sounds like child picking up on mothers anxiety and you seem to have done everything you can. Is there a cooling off period in your contract so could do what vez suggests about leaving it a week or two. Child may settle but I do think issue here is the mother

thebody · 03/09/2011 12:59

garden, hope you are recovering this weekend, just wanted to say I would tell mum you are setting a time limit on this, this will immediately make you feel better as well as its setting the end to this in stone, either she settles or she goes..

completely understand as have said i had just this situation but with a sensible mum, yours sounds a bit flakey so may be harded to deal with...

let us no how it goes and what you decide anyway..

Original poster

gardenpixies32 · 04/09/2011 11:21

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Huge sigh of relief, mum has just phoned me to say they are not bringing her back next week and grandparents are going to look after her instead.

I was dreading the crying next week and now I have instantly relaxed!

OP posts:

thebody · 04/09/2011 13:36

god even better so you didnt even need to wield the axe.. life can be good sometimes..

Original poster

gardenpixies32 · 04/09/2011 13:38

thebody, thanks for your support and kind words, it has helped.

Like you said, I am glad I wasnt the one to have to say no!

BIG sigh of relief!

OP posts:

thebody · 04/09/2011 14:22

welcome mate x

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