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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Would you consider a male nanny?

114 replies

Earlybird · 16/09/2005 15:47

I am currently registered with a nanny agency looking for a one day a week nanny. A friend has just called to recommend a nanny who is available - and a 30 year male. Supposedly he was in his last job for quite awhile, and his previous family loved him.

I have several initial reactions - does it matter that he's male as long as his references and police check/first aid are OK? Second, it could potentially be good for dd to have a man around as I am a single mum (no father in the picture, and no partner), and dd does, at times, seem starved for male attention.

Would it seem strange for a man (no relation) to collect dd from school, take her to birthday parties periodically, and supervise playdates? Part of me wonders if I could feel comfortable with a man looking after dd (she's 4.5), giving her baths, etc. And would other mums hesitate to let their daughters come for playdates? Am I too paranoid? Too conventional?

Think I need to decide if I'm comfortable with the idea of a male nanny before I decide to pursue it further. What would you do?

OP posts:
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PeachyClair · 20/09/2005 17:57

Yes I would have a male nanny. No probs. I have a great friend (male) doing his reception Primary training and he is going to be FABULOUS. I wopuld dearly love him to be my nanny if I had one.

Yes OK, men can do things to a kid a woman can't (as someone said earlier), but a woman can still be abusive in many varied ways. A nanny with a good history, well checked references and experience is a blessing, male or female.

Mytwopenceworth · 20/09/2005 17:57

Yes. Most men would never hurt a child. My ds1 (aged 6) class teacher is a bloke and my son worships him! It is good for children to have men in their lives (you need more of a balance than dad and everyone else is a woman).

I hate it that men are treated with this suspicion. Why is it assumed that women are automatically better anyway?!! A lot of men would love to work with children, would be bloody good at it, would enrich the lives of children and teach them so much - yet they can't or darent because if they say I love children, some people hear I love interfering with children.

It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Why shouldn't men get the joy of working, interacting and playing with small children? My dh loves to play with our kids, he loves all kids and thinks they are loads of fun. A lot of men feel the same and would love to get down with the finger painting!

Take the same sensible precautions for anyone you entrust with your child, crb checks, be aware of possible risks, even use your intuition, or have a system of monitoring, but don't cut off 50% of the population from giving valuable input into the next generation, or from experiencing the pleasure small children can bring. Imagine how awful it must be to be a man in this respect - knowing that you are viewed as a potential pervert if you so much as pause by the playground to listen to the squeals of joy!

beckybrastraps · 20/09/2005 18:45

I'm a bit shocked by all this. My brother is a primary school teacher, and someone once made a joke about his possible "paedophile tendencies". To me! About my brother! Personally, I wouldn't use a nanny because I don't like the idea of one person having sole charge of my children. I find them hard enough, and they're mine. When ds started nursery, there was a man working there, and he was fantastic. Ds loved him, and was upset when he moved on to bigger and better things. I am more than happy to have men looking after ds - in fact I think I prefer it. Indded, I worry about the messages conveyed to children about men when attitudes like this are so casually accepted.

katymac · 20/09/2005 20:01

I was shocked and upset by this whole thread and the comments. I will not be showing my DH or discussing it with him.

When he was 16 (in 1968) he wanted to work with children or to be a cook. His father refused to allow it and he went on to be a welder - this has affected his health considerably.

When I met him (age 40) he was in the process of becoming medically retired, and discussing retraining - he mentioned his wish to work with children in passing and after getting considerable support from me went on to do a childcare course. His family did not agree with this course.

Now we childmind together and he is in his element. He deals with the practicalities of child rearing with considerable ease (apart from babychanging units being predominantly in the ladies).

And after lunch when the business of the day is done he rolls around the floor with between 2 and 7 babies (all under 2) - this is the best part of the job - for him, as he enjoys it so much, for the children, as they get so much confidence from him and for me, to see them all enjoying themselves so much.

For most of our parents, they chose us because of a male childminder to start with.....but all of they stay because dh and their children so obviously love each other and are desparate to interact together

Sorry that was so long

madmarchhare · 20/09/2005 20:51

Sorry didnt mean to offend anyone by my comments. I do agree that it should not be an issue, as do most other posters, its just a gut reaction, rightly or wrongly it cannot be helped.

soapbox · 20/09/2005 20:54

Katy - trying to word this sensitively - but do you think that your difficulty in filling places currently might be due to the prejudices against men working in childcare as expressed on this thread?

FWIW my DD has a male teacher this year (Y3) and absolutely adores him, it never crossed my mind that there was anything remotely ify about male teachers There are actually a lot of them in the junior school she goes to so I suppose it just seemed the norm!

nannyjo · 20/09/2005 20:58

male nannies would have gone through the same training as females, if you wouldn't employ a male nanny then i think that showa a lack of trust in training.

I knew a male nanny, he was fab and gave a different aspect of child care that was a big advantage.

Not been in thie situation of employing one though so i guess thats another story.

soapbox · 20/09/2005 21:00

Apparently the latest 'in thing' in the home counties is the tennnis au pair!

Tennis pros from eastern europe are apparently much in demand to help the little darlings improve their game!

The majority of them are male

beckybrastraps · 20/09/2005 21:04

Just wondering if there is a cut-off point then? Is there a minimum age above which it is no longer "iffy" to want to work with children? I am worried at this thread. It seems an extension of that tired old "all men are potential rapists" chestnut. All men are potential paedophiles?! Seriously - what message are we sending to our children, especially (but not exclusively) the boys.

katymac · 20/09/2005 21:07

Soapbox - possibly, but I have taken on 6 new children in 6 months and the 2 I have lost have gone (in my opinion) because the mum is depressed about how much of her twins life she is missing.

Even without them we still have over 10 children on our books - so I don't think it is a major concern for the parents. We have 5 children a day for 3 days(well actually 7 but a max of 5 at a time) and 4 for 2 days (again 5 and 6 but only 4 at a time) - so although I'd like more business - that's just 'cos I'm greedy.

soapbox · 20/09/2005 21:10

Katy - glad its not because of this then

I agree that is a worry about the messages that we are giving our children - I don't want my wonderful DS to grow up being eyed up as a potential paeodophile at every turn

Flum · 20/09/2005 22:38

Mmmmm. I think maybe. But just discussed it with DH and he says 'Yes he would but, finds it odd as women are 'natural' primary carers of children'

I can see that biologically and therefore it makes sense that most child carers are women. Men are programmed to dump seed and run, or at best run off to hunt down food. Women are more programmed to stay and nurture.

I know our modern lifestyle blurs those natural instincts but I do think they are still there.

If I found a male nanny as good with littlies as my Dad, I would definately hire him. He is like a baby whisperer he really is.

madmarchhare · 21/09/2005 10:32

Ooo, a new 'male' baby whisperer, he could make a fortune. Failing that could you send him round here?

Fennel · 21/09/2005 10:36

I would use a male nanny if he came highly recommended but not a male au pair (i have 3 small dds, au pairs are not security checked).

but really with just daughters I'd prefer a woman nanny - and if I had only boys I'd prefer a male one.

RnB · 21/09/2005 14:06

Message withdrawn

winnie · 21/09/2005 18:03

I would

winnie · 21/09/2005 18:03

I would

TomTitTot · 22/09/2005 09:54

Being a new father that works in a childcare setting, I am disappointed but unsurprised by the uninformed and absurdly sexist opinions held by some parents that have responded here. The ingrained, socialized sexism concerning men in childcare never fails to rear it's ugly head when the topic is presented, often followed by protestations of "I'm not sexist, but..." or "It's just an emotional thing." Obviously, nobody should be expected to employ someone to watch their children that made them incomfortable, but saying that you would never employ a male carer is as ignorant as any other form of discrimination.

By the same token, could a corporation refuse to employ women in their accounts department, as women have lesser numeracy skills (supposedly, according to studies)? Of course not, and any corporation that did so would be rightfully labelled discriminatory.

Also, I am amazed by how many people seem to be under the delusion that women cannot sexually abuse children. Studies show anywhere from 25-35% of childhood sexual abuse is suffered at the hands of a female abuser. Childhood neglect is almost FOUR times more likely to be perpetrated by a woman. Women abuse. It happens. I wish it didn't, but denying it won't make it go away - being informed will.

Let's get facts straight before displaying our ignorance, bare-faced.

I also find the idea that men are programmed to "dump seed and run" deeply offensive and based on the worst, most unfounded assertions of evolutionary psychology. These are scientists still tied to the savannah theory of evolution, folks. They're backwards. I understand that the nature of lactation and pregnancy tends to make people believe that women are "natural" carers, but that is just biology - psychologically, as statistics show, women are actually more likely to neglect a child than men. Evolutionary psychology seems quaint in light of our modern reality, where it becomes more and more clear that the differences between the sexes don't extend far beyond physiology, the rest being socialized. My grandfather, for example, raised two girls while his wife drank and was rarely at home, spending no time caring for her children.

Maybe we ought to consider what knee-jerk anti-male responses say about US and OUR psychological makeup, because it doesn't say a thing about male carers, except perhaps to cast light on how difficult a job they have.

As a personal aside, one of the best carers I have ever had the privilege of working with was male, and my boss, who has been in childcare for almost 20 years, agrees with me that he was one of the best workers she has employed.

Enid · 22/09/2005 09:56

wow thats a wordy post for your first one Tomtitot, have you been lurking all this time or are you a name change?

Enid · 22/09/2005 09:57

sorry but it is bollocks that women are more likely to neglect a child than men. If that is true its only because women are the carers in the first place - you can't neglect if you don't have anything to do with the care in the first place.

Bugsy2 · 22/09/2005 10:55

Definitely. Would love my children to have more male input in their lives. Dd has a male carer at her nursery and I was so pleased to that the nursery had a guy working there.
As far as I'm concerned the more men are involved in child rearing the better. Have no issue whatsoever with a male aupair or nanny bathing my ds or dd. What are we saying here that all blokes are potentially perverts?

allboysclub · 22/09/2005 12:00

I wouldn't make a decision based only upon gender, just upon the individual. The only way to go would be to carry out thorough checks, which you would do anyway, regardless of gender.

Nurseries seem great, as with more staff, the impact of any one of them having a bad day is lessened in theory (show me someone who doesn't have a bad day once in a while!).

But....in practice, you only need one 'bad apple' to sour the nursery experience - as ds1 found. 'Our' bad apple made no secret of the fact SHE detested him, and his behaviour deteriorated dreadfully. Luckily SHE didn't last long and left as I was on the verge of removing him.

At least if you can afford a Nanny, you are chosing EXACTLY who looks after your child. Whether male or female is irrelevant, as long as they check out okay and 'fit' with your family.

And this comes from someone who was abused as a child, and would certainly take no chances with her ds's

edhj69 · 22/09/2005 12:04

Thank god for TTTs post. If I felt that my friends thought it was ok for me to look after my own DS but not their DD and/or DS (for whom I'm godfather incidentally) I'd be bloody offended.

The usual knee jerk reaction that men who want to care for kids are "odd" flies in the face of what most of us have been striving to get past. It's another form of male stereotyping which if positions reversed (!) would have most MNetters screaming "sexist!". Sadly I often find if I'm affectionate to my son (giving him hugs and kissing him in public) it's the men who look at me like I'm in the wrong, wife does it it's ok. So I can't say I'm surprised by some of the reactions here, though I expected better.

Earlybird your original cocnern may be exactly the same with leaving your kid with anyone for the first time. God knows when DS went to his child carer for the first day DW and I spent most of the day watching the clock waiting to go get him back. No reason to doubt child carer she was great and we felt very happy with her, but you worry whenever they're out your sight.

As with TTTs comments perhaps if people feel queasy with the idea of a man looking after their kids they should take a long hard look in the mirror at your own prejudices.

E

madmarchhare · 22/09/2005 14:36

I think its great that thats your opinion TTT.

Oh, and by the way there is nothing WRONG with my psychological make up, neither am I deluded, sexist or ignorant.

Upon what statistics do you base your clainm that women are more likely to neglect a child ?

dizietsma · 22/09/2005 15:23

Hmm, well, for starters, the 2000 NSPCC report on child maltreatment found that 49% of violent treatment of children in the home occurred at the hands of mothers, fathers abusing only 40%. I suggest you read a book called "When She Was Bad: Violent Women and the Myth of Innocence" (here's the amazon page) for a more in depth discussion of the statistics. It certainly opened my eyes.

I think it's interesting how resistant our culture is to contenancing women's violence, particularly women's sexual violence. Perhaps when we leave behind our outdated sexist stereotypes we'll be able to accept such realities.

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