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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Would you consider a male nanny?

114 replies

Earlybird · 16/09/2005 15:47

I am currently registered with a nanny agency looking for a one day a week nanny. A friend has just called to recommend a nanny who is available - and a 30 year male. Supposedly he was in his last job for quite awhile, and his previous family loved him.

I have several initial reactions - does it matter that he's male as long as his references and police check/first aid are OK? Second, it could potentially be good for dd to have a man around as I am a single mum (no father in the picture, and no partner), and dd does, at times, seem starved for male attention.

Would it seem strange for a man (no relation) to collect dd from school, take her to birthday parties periodically, and supervise playdates? Part of me wonders if I could feel comfortable with a man looking after dd (she's 4.5), giving her baths, etc. And would other mums hesitate to let their daughters come for playdates? Am I too paranoid? Too conventional?

Think I need to decide if I'm comfortable with the idea of a male nanny before I decide to pursue it further. What would you do?

OP posts:

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koalabear · 16/09/2005 15:54

the logical side of the brain says it should make no difference

BUT the emotional side of the brain, unfortunately, is bound to worry, even just a little bit

personally, i would meet with him first, and meet with his references also, before making up your mind

QueenOfQuotes · 16/09/2005 15:56

I'd probably meet him, see his references and then decide.

It wouldn#t bother me that it was a man though - although I've got two boys.

colditz · 16/09/2005 15:59

No.

I just couldn't.

I was raised by a policeman though, and he drilled it into me that all men are potential abusers.

However, you may find that your daughters friends are not allowed to come and play.

sorry but a man can do things to a child that a woman just can't.

binkie · 16/09/2005 16:00

I think, just in your particular situation (and presuming this is a sole charge position), I wouldn't.

I've surprised myself there, as that goes against all my principles. But the reasons are something like - if she is starved for male attention and the arrangement doesn't work out - or works out only too well but then has to change for no fault of anyone's, as nanny arrangements so often do - the effect might be disproportionate.

nailpolish · 16/09/2005 16:01

its certainly sexist but i couldnt, no way

Chandra · 16/09/2005 16:11

have been trying to write, re write and reword this post for about 5 min. I think men should be OK but I couldn't live her alone with a man. If he was part of the nursery staff no problem, but not alone. (Actually, I'm a bit wary of leaving children alone with people I have not know for a good time )

spidermama · 16/09/2005 16:14

It depends entirely on the man and how I felt about him. There are two really brilliant male play leaders at ds's nursery school. Male role models are vital so if you find a good one, who's good with kids, that's very positive.

Original poster

Earlybird · 16/09/2005 19:54

Hmmm - seems that many of you agree with my gut reaction that it's probably not the way forward. It does feel sexist to say that (without even meeting the chap, or seeing his credentials), but I don't feel like breaking barriers/fighting sexism when dd's wellbeing is involved.

And Binkie, I think you're right about the potential emotional ramifications of this sort of arrangement too.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 16/09/2005 19:59

I would obviously meet him first to see if he would fit in with our family, but I would have no hesitation in employing a male nanny (I have a dd and ds - don't know if I would think differently if I just had dds). Dd had a great male carer at her nursery and I always hoped he would leave and become a nanny but he never did.

nooka · 16/09/2005 20:13

I am saddened and amazed at some of the posts here I have several male friends who work at primary school and my children are cared for by their stay at home dad. Are we really in a time when any man who wishes to spend time with children is automatically suspect?

Of course you need to be absolutely sure that you are happy with anyone who cares for your child, but to dismiss someone out of hand just because they are male seems very sad to me.

I can understand your concerns Earlybird, don't get me wrong, but surely you should at least meet the guy? I would not be concerned to let my dd play in a house with a male nanny. I think if that was my mindset I would worry about my dd playing anywhere where there was a man - and clearly no-one would come around to our place as dh is in charge during the day.

Re. the attachment thing, to be honest that is a risk with any nanny.

It is absolutely your decision, and you have to be happy with it. If you don't like the idea of a guy caring for your child, then obviously you wouldn't go down that route. But many men do care for children, and it would be good if more of them did. The whole all men are child abusers is so incredibly damaging. Very few people are child abusers, some are women, and most are already known to the family. You should always do references and I would recommend a police check (many (most?) agencies do this anyway).

Hope you find someone you like!

Chandra · 16/09/2005 20:41

Has anybody seen the Friends episode this night? Lovely male nanny!!!

bobbybob · 16/09/2005 20:49

There was an article in my local paper about "mannies", every person they had interviewed seemed to be families with boys who were very active. The male nanny was very sporty. I think from memory one of the families was a single parent and so for her having a man to look after the boys was desirable.

At the end of the day you don't have to employ anyone unless you are comfortable with them.

Blu · 16/09/2005 20:57

Absolutely, I would employ a male nanny - as long as he had all the right experience and I trusted him!

Meet him! You might find he is spot on just right, you might find he isn't for you. Just as you would with any potential childcarer. It would be barmy to settle for a less good female if a top man were available, wouldn't it?

I am amazed so many people are anti .

colditz · 16/09/2005 23:37

At the end of the day, most of the people who sexually abuse children are men. Most of them are known to the children.

I'm with earlybird on this, it's just tough luck for male nannies, I'm afraid. When it comes to my child, I don't want his care to be groundbreakingly pc, I want it to be as safe as I can possibly make it, and given the statistics on male and female child sexual abusers, a male nanny would not get a look in. It is a tiny risk, but still a risk that doesn't have to be taken.

waterfalls · 16/09/2005 23:40

NO!!!

Angeliz · 16/09/2005 23:40

I'm afraid not.
Not pc or neccessarily fair but it wouldn't honestly enter my head to employ a male carer for my girls.
I've sought out a female g.p that they are registered with too.

weesaidie · 16/09/2005 23:57

Yes of course I would. I am with nooka.

goldenoldie · 17/09/2005 10:56

Sorry - not me either.

It is a personal decision and if you are happy with the thought of a male nanny then go for it - but I would not even consider it.

starshaker · 17/09/2005 11:01

it wouldnt bother me. if he had good referances and everything else was ok then i would take him on the same as with a wonan. not only men can abuse children women are just as capable. as you say ur dd needs a male role model. i really dont see what the differance is.

leesax · 17/09/2005 19:13

I would ( 3 ds and 1 dd ), as previously said women can abuse just as easily as men. As long as he had ref's, experience and the right personality for our family i wouldn't think twice.

I know a few male childcarers and they are great, i think you should employ someone on their suitability for you family and nothing more.

dropinthe · 17/09/2005 19:15

If he was well hung and CAME with good references,well of course!

Sorry,am in a playful mood with dh being out and all that!

Beanfrog · 17/09/2005 19:34

With my experiences of a male HV, I have to say I'd be very dubious. Maybe when my kids are older - by that time I'll have forgotten what an idiot my HV is!

You have to feel totally comfortable about who is looking after your child or else you'll just worry all the time.

zippy539 · 17/09/2005 19:48

I wouldn't have a problem with it (have a dd and ds).

If I was looking for a nanny I would only employ someone who had good refs and who I had a good feeling about - male or female. I would be as anxious leaving my kids with a woman as a man - ok so the stats say men are more likely to be abusers but there are loads of ways to abuse kids and women are just as devious and inventive as men when it comes to doing just that. Leaving your kids with a 'stranger' is ALWAYS a risk - which is why so many of us get so stressed trying to find childcare but I'm shocked at the negative reaction to male nannies.

dinny · 17/09/2005 20:06

no way.

would never leave my child alone with a male stranger.

binkie · 17/09/2005 20:17

Just because this has moved on from considering Earlybird's situation to male childcarers in general, I would like to say how very very good a thing they can be - when dd's nursery took on a cheery young male nursery nurse the entire place, children, parents and (I think especially) staff, brightened up no end.

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